July 25, 2010
She was on my mind when I went to bed, and she was still dominating most of my brain cells this morning as the sun rose on a brand new day.
Yesterday brought another difficult conversation. She has made her wishes known and we are respecting them (to the best of our collective ability). For now she is staying in her own home. She is both relieved and tormented. She knows the decision has bucked the system…the team is not happy. It is a toss-up at this point which matters more, her independence or her children. From her perspective neither is cooperating.
Cooperation looks like one or all of us stepping in and fighting the holy crap out of DMV and her primary care doctor…once considered a savior, now a consideration for this decade’s anti-Christ competition. She wants what she once had and the bottom line is just not adding up. If she stays in her house and can’t drive, she is a burden to us (her words) and will probably go bankrupt paying the chiseling cabbies (also her words).
Her 3 visiting lunches at the assisted living center of choice had her surrounded by old people…of which she is most certainly not one (hm-hm, her words). She found them difficult, uninteresting and incapacitated. She took herself off the highly coveted waiting list with no discussion with her fellow team members.
So yesterday, I just sat with her and let her vent…about the ailing neighbor whose daughters have been there day and night for a year(that would be guilt aimed in my direction); how her ailment was misdiagnosed and therefore she has been accused unjustly; how she has asked for a state provided legal assistant for the elderly, and that the DMV is the worst run government bureaucracy since the food rations program of WW II. I agreed with her on every point. I projected myself to her cozy food stained recliner; being serenaded by her obnoxious canary that rivals Andre Botcelli and waved at by her red headed mail man who always knocks on the window each day around noon. This is all unjust, undeserved, unnecessary, undignified and very un-rewarding.
So this morning I have decided to write about the the UN-Chapter. Yours is coming. Mine is coming, like it or not we are connected by that common thread. In preparation I want us to agree to see the elderly through kinder, gentler eyes. They are in-fact our greatest teachers. Their fear and stubbornness; their denial and lack of compromise; their willingness to survive each day with pain and talk as little or as much about it as they need to, is in fact how this chapter has been designed. Navigating the letting go of a parent… is the Un-Chapter and, well, it is perfect. Not unlike a pregnancy that becomes so huge and uncomfortable that all you want in that THING OUT OF YOUR BODY…or living with that teenager whose need for independence becomes so completely unbearable that you actually buy him/her a car so that can get the hell out of your home. The bitching, the fighting, the resisting, is all part of the pain necessary to let go. I know she is not being stubborn or a bloody pain in the ass…I see now that she is just going through the necessary labor pains to let go. And in doing so she is providing us a means of letting her go a little more gracefully. How she goes about this chapter, regardless of how we like it, is her job…not unlike an unborn baby pushing towards the light, or a young adult demanding his wings be released by those who have held him in safety…this is her job…to protest, to fight, to face her fear, to teach us, and to let go.
Mission Accomplished
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Hello, dear ones,
I don’t think I could have asked for a more perfect post to read today. Today is my birthday. I am 61. I have been suffering all week with the most vicious sinus infection I’ve ever had in my life – to say that on a pain scale of 1-10 mine reached a 12 this week would not be an exaggeration. I smiled and made the best of it while well-meaning family members tried to help me celebrate my birthday when all I really wanted was to be left alone to rest and focus on getting better. I told them I was ok with postponing the celebration until next weekend. I tried to be as polite and considerate as possible. They came anyway, filling my house with noise and food (stuff I’ve told them a million times I don’t like or no longer eat, but who listens?) and by the time they left my head felt like it was in a vice.
Why am I telling you this in response to your post? Because I’m trying to tell it from the other side. I love my family. They mean well, but I get so very angry when they ignore my feelings or my wishes on the grounds that, for some unknown reason, once I turned 60 I was suddenly incapable of knowing what was best for me or how I should be feeling. ME? They couldn’t be talking about me? 60 is not old. 60 is not feeble. Every little physical problem – problems that are normal in any aging body – is not cause for everyone to watch me like I”m going to melt if I go out in the rain. I did go out in the rain the other day and did not call anyone to tell them I was going out, and did not answer my cell phone. I’m surprised they did not have the police out looking for me and did apologise when they told me how they were “sick with worry.” . I appreciate how much they love me and want to take care of me, but they have no idea the effect their treatment is having on me.
I have a mind. It still works, rather well, I would say in all modesty. I have a body that, while it lets me down from time to time, still works after a fashion and would probably work better if I took better care of it (I’ve accepted that I’ll never run a marathon but being able to climb the stairs to my apartment without my knees screaming would be nice). I have dreams still unrealized and goals still to attain, and making me feel as if I am barely capeable of tying my own shoe laces only makes it harder because on the days when things aren’t working as well as they should, I start to believe them. If I start to do that, then I might as well pack it all in and spend the rest of my life rocking on the porch.
Our independence, our freedom, the right to make our own choices about our lives, is something most of us have waited for until our kids were grown and gone and our responsibilities to others have lessened. Now, suddenly, when we are finally free to chase our dreams, we’re being told we’re too old. I refuse to buy into that, and it is something my family will just have to accept if they want to remain a part of my life.
I’m sorry if I sound like I’m dumping on you, quite the contrary. I applaud what must have been a very difficult decision for you to make. I just wanted you to know that while it may not be want you would want for her, it is wha she wants, what gives her a sense that her life is still her own, that at the very least she is still her own person. For a woman of her generation, having your own identity and being able to hold on tight to it no matter what is worth fighting for.
Love and hugs to you both,
Flower Bear
Hi Flower Bear,
Your post was of interest to me, it’s my birthday today too! I’m 52. I have also been suffering with a sinus infection all week, and woke up with a termendous headache. I’ve turned down plans with family, for the same reasons as you. I have been told I” should”…., but really I want to rest.
I hope you do enjoy your day the way you want to.
All the best
And Happy Birthday to you,too, dillin257.
Be happy.
thx Yakkity….
Happy birthday, Flower Bear. and I wish it could have been a happier one for you. Your family meant well, but they should have respected your wishes to postpone the celebration until you felt better.
Be happy.
Thank you for sharing your side of the story. We all need to hear the whole story… and learn from every perspective. This “un” chapter is one that most of us feel “un” prepared for, so it is all the more confusing. On the one hand, we long to give our elders the freedom and independence they so desperately want, and that we will so desperately want. On the other hand, when the “other shoe drops” as in: the next fall, the next car accident when it isn’t just the other person’s car that is damaged, the next forgotten dose of medicine – we are the ones called into help. We are the cavalry that is expected to come in and tend to the pain, wounds, legal battles, financial fiascoes etc etc. So…. we do the best that we can. all of us, all the characters in the story. We love and let go, and then we love and hang on, and everywhere in between. Hopefully we whether letting go or holding on, what we can see as the common thread that weaves the whole story together…. LOVE.
Thank you for your continuing wonderful contributions.
Happy Birthday to Flower Bear and Dillin 257! Flower Bear expressed her feelings quite beautifully on this topic, albeit from her (relatively) youthful vantage point at 61. Wow, if your family is “hovering” at this age, it is an ominous sign re: how controlling they may become in the future. It would be a good idea to specify all of your wishes for your future care in a legally enforceable document and setting aside money as needed for those wishes to be honored. It is a big mistake to rely on your adult children to provide all of the care you may need in the future. Who wants to end up with their kids feeling burdened by them to a greater or lesser extent, as appears to have been the thought behind the original post? And even if you don’t mind the thought of burdening your kids (payback’s a bitch, right?), it still is not a good idea to plan to exclusively rely on them. The vast majority of all elder abuse is committed by adult children and/or other family members. (I have worked in the area of criminal prosecution for many years; what I have seen adult children inflict on their unsuspecting elderly parents is often quite horrifying.) For those of us who do love and honor our parents, it can be a very long haul if we are the “on call” adult child, and even those of us with the very best of intentions can become frayed. Speaking as one whose “un” chapter has already come to a close, I would say to my friends on VN with living parents (assuming you love them) to think carefully about how you treat them while they are still with you on this earth. You may have a very long time to think about how you treated your parents after they are gone.
As always, it is such a pleasure to be able to discuss the difficult subjects and share feelings in a safe environment. I applaud VN and, especially, all of you very special ladies. I sometimes think we should preserve some of these threads and pass them on to the next generation to read so that they can go into the next stage of their own lives a little wiser and better equipped to handle what may come.
Also, a very happy birthday to my fellow Leos. So nice to be able to share my birthday with such great ladies.
from one Leo to the others…I celebrate your greatness, strength and spirit. We are learning, together…every step of the way.
Bless you
Flower Bear, things will not get better if you don’t do something now, to stop this over-anxious attitude of your family members. Yes, they love you. Yes, it might hurt their feelings to know you don’t appreciate some of the ways they choose to express their affection and devotion.
Please, print out this honest exchange between you and the original poster. Make copies for everyone in the family. Mail it to them, snail mail. Say nothing ahead of time. Have no expectations or anxiety on the consequences. Then wait. See what happens.
I think you’ll be surprised.
If you do not tell your family how you wish to be treated, you cannot complain, when they don’t follow your wishes. Both the original post and yours are beautifully written, thought-provoking communications. Don’t let this time you took to think and write be spent only on strangers; share with those who matter most to you.
From one matriarch to another,
Cheers,
Raffi
I always love your articles. They are honest and thought provoking couched with a dose of humor!
This un-chapter is a double edged sword we tread. Of course we want our parent(s) to live their twilight years the way they want, we want them to be happy and independant. We want them to know that they deserve to be happy and independant. But their safety and well being is paramount to caring for them. The trick is to balance both their independance and safety. It is as you so aptly describe not an easy task to perform.
When the day comes they can no longer stay in their home and you have to move them, is filled with guilt and sadness. The guilt amplified when on a ‘delightully confused’ day, they insist they’re going ‘home’ and now and if you loved them you’d go right out there (the nurses station) and tell them you’re taking them home RIGHT NOW! On the good days, when she ‘knows’ she’s where she needs to be and says so with such heart breaking sadness it brings me to my knees. All the while second guessing the decisions you’ve made. Decisions made out of a love that I hope she feels and understands.
As I near the age where my un-chapter is around the next corner or two, I hope to have relayed to my sons, to not feel guilty if and when the day comes they must make a decision they may not want to make. I hope I ‘remember’ that what they do is made out of their love for me and not because they consider me inconvenient and incapable.
Sigh…… at an age where we should be enjoying a life well earned, we’re faced with heart rending choices. VN gives me a place to find others who share what I’m going thru and to know I’m not alone. (and boy don’t you feel that way sometimes?!)
I lost my Mother 20 years ago. It still feels yesterday. I loved her dearly and she me unconditionally. I was with her to the end, but she went down a path I could not go. She lives on in my heart and my memories. No one can ever take my memories away and they are always there to remind me how special she was. Enjoy every moment with your Mom, and when the time comes let it be peaceful. God bless you in this time of special need!