You start the race…let’s call this one MARRIAGE. You’ve got the gear, the crowd is cheering in the stands; the official is there, with a gun pointed to the sky (or maybe to your head); you are already sweating and you are still at the start line. Will you place, finish at all, come in first, break your leg along the way when you stumble and fall on your face? Will the fans cheer for you or the one just a step faster? Do you have what it takes to cross the finish line? Are you a team of one or a team player?
Okay, so this analogy might be a bit lame…but I am sitting here this morning, tucked up warm and cozy in my 30th anniversary and asking the questions: How did we get here? How did we survive the hurdles; how did we find the stuff we needed to keep going when we were exhausted and the thoughts of quitting were the best solution. So many of our team mates didn’t make it. It wasn’t for lack of trying, they just got tired, ran out of steam, got a cramp that rendered them helpless…they had to quit to save their own lives.
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I wanted to quit…many, many, many times. I was tired of the hurt, the fear, the sense of invisibility, too many commitments, too much stuff, debilitating silence, heart ache and anger. I wanted to be that wife you read about that left the letter on the mantle, drained the bank accounts and ran off with the pool boy. Quit just fucking quit! I even had support…just quit, you have worked hard enough…some said. Quit, move on, cut your loses!
I saw his crystal blue eyes in my daughter’s, the curve of his smile in our grandson’s . So many ‘I’m sorrys” scribble across my bathroom mirror is soap, notes tucked in my pillow, conciliatory chocolate bars left on the counter, hopeful glances exchanged across a crowded room, moments of tenderness seeking forgiveness, connection, love and restoration. There were countless sessions with therapists who promised to help; differences explored, new coping skills learned along with communication strategies, timeout, apologies, understanding.
Every time WE wanted to quit, WE slowed our pace, one way or the other and found our breath. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it has been impossible… at times. But that is the premise of marriage…the one you never think you are agreeing to. “this will be impossible at times…you will not have what it takes to go on…you will think of quitting every way possible…you will be done and in your “doneness” you will hold still or fall backwards.” They don’t tell you that…you, so sick with love, couldn’t ever imagine the possibility. But it is a Probability, an Inevitability.
30 years later WE are exhausted with our gray hair and wrinkles. Our bones tired and fragile, our feet hurt. But this morning realizing that there isn’t one blond hair left on his head that lies just inches from mine…his gray is soft like a baby bird, his breath warm and familiar laying under the blankets that cover us both. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we are in the best shape of our lives. That we have won, got the trophy, a standing ovation even from the crowd that has been watching. Did we come in first…I don’t know, neither of us do or care for that matter. We just know that we have crossed A finish line and we are swaggering off the field together…knowing that if the next race is for those of us in wheel chairs, or walkers we are ready for the challenge. P.S. i have never loved more.
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NICE, CONGRATS!!…TRACK
So all the divorcees are failures?
I’m divorced… and I think that was harsh. Good for MattersThatMatter. She’s right, too many times people just give up because it’s easier. That doesnt mean us divorcees are failures. Face it, I dont know a divorcee that wouldnt secretly like to be on the side of having worked through it and happily married. That doesnt mean I dont LOVE being divorced from my X who is an addict. I read it noting that if I do try again with another companion, to work, appreciate, and all those other things it takes to make it work. Because with out that work, there is no long term relationships
I apologise.
Congratulations would have been in order and not the comment I made.
anir
We learn from every experience… the good the bad and he ugly. Having watched my darling Kristine and her David slog their way through the shit, the hard times and the excruciating pain… AND…. sharing in the miraculous times of love, joy and celebration… I am dancing a victory dance for them. They crossed their particular finish line in the race that was uniquely theirs.
That said, I am one of the team who did not make it, and I can say, should NOT have made it. I count myself a success for having left behind a situation that was dangerous and damaging to me and my tiny tribe. And in my success, Kristine is dancing a victory dance with me. What matters is that we cross the finish line that is ours.
Bless you for your authentic responses! This VN space is an amazing place to be able to speak and connect and listen and share and learn from one another.
“So many of our team mates didn’t make it. It wasn’t for lack of trying, they just got tired, ran out of steam, got a cramp that rendered them helpless…they had to quit to save their own lives.” Anir…I too appreciate you ability and courage to speak your truth. I come from a long line of family divorce. You might say, divorce was my role model. I know marriage and really any commited relationships is excruciatingly difficult. I was ready to run, many many times. The miracle is that for me, I woke up 30 years later and realized we managed to NOT RUN too far. Not that we shouldn’t have, or couldn’t have, for us, we just didn’t. I know the pain of divorce so very well. I still live with the aftermath of my own parents divorce. I guess that was the “waking up” part…the part where I realized I have outmarried any and every relative I have. wow
I just returned home after spending several days with my favorite aunt and uncle. They just celebrated their 61st wedding anniversay and there was yummy leftover chocolate cake still in the refrigerator, a definite bonus for me! My aunt has been in hospice for over a year and my uncles days are filled with taking care of her. There was a time in their married life when he was largely absent both physically and emotionally. He was an engineer who traveled much of the time for work and my aunt was left to raise two children and deal with all the challenges of daily life largely on her own. These were tough times when emotional estrangement nearly lead to divorce but something; maybe fear or guilt or just a common history kept them together. And now they have the comfort of those 61 years to steady them when standing alone is all but impossible.