“How do you make a hormone?” This is the opening line to the first joke I’
m conscious of ever hearing and actually remembering. Told to me by my friend Barbara in the THIRD grade, who now alleges she heard it from her little sister Lynn who was in the SECOND grade. I didn’t have a clue what that joke was about. I’m pretty sure Barbara didn’t either. But we both made a big show of laughing too hard to prove to ourselves and each other that we ‘got’ it.
So, I wonder where little Lynn actually heard that joke. Our mothers, also friends, were probably too young to be talking about hormones. After all, Barbara and I were only eight or nine, and our mothers, like so many mothers of that generation, started having babies in their early twenties. No, I’m thinking Lynn might have overheard it from a grandmother….a grandmother who was well along in menopause and getting a crash (flash) course in the effects of hormone decline. Probably told in a stage whisper over coffee with another grandmother in a suburban kitchen.
I’m not a grandmother yet, but I am 58, and yes, there are days when I would like to know how ‘to make a hormone.’ Once upon a time, my body knew a little too well how to make those tyrannical little compounds. Every month was a roller coaster ride of rising and ebbing tides. I remember feeling as if I were physically and emotionally at the mercy of the wild swings of those monthly cycles. And what else was the ticking baby clock but a biological imperative driven by hormones? (Okay, socialization may have had a little something to do with it, but that’s a different blog!)
Now, however, I’m keenly aware of the effects of the absence of hormones: an expanding waist line, dry skin, fuzzy brain, thinning bones, unsteady heart beat, and the constant repetition of, “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”
But I’m happy to report that I’m finding some real benefits to hormone decline. No more monthly ups and downs, I’m on an even keel. My brain may be fuzzy about mundane stuff (where did I put the car keys? what am I doing in this room? what did she say her name is?) But when it comes to real creative work, I have never been more focused or productive in my life! I KNOW on a gut level what my essense and purpose are and I devote time and energy to cultivating them every day. Ironically, as my body gets stiffer, my mind gets more flexible. I find that I can hold many projects in my mind simultaneously and can see multiple points of view. I am more spiritually attuned and have a sense of being one tiny little cell in the all encompassing body of the Creator. I’m beginning to feel like an old sage or woman warrior. I feel at ease, comfortable, and happy, like I am finally returning home to my authentic, deep and ancient self. I believe that sense will only deepen and get richer in the time that I have left.
Admittedly, however, if I DID know how to make a hormone, there are days when I would be sorely tempted to whip up a batch. I wouldn’t go overboard and be a glutton….I wouldn’t take any more than a nibble, just enough to jump start some weight loss and maybe cool off a bit.
Now, about Barbara’s 3rd grade joke, be warned, it’s a TERRIBLE joke, offensive on many levels! But since it was my first joke and for some reason has persisted in my memory bank all these years, here goes:
Question: How do you make a hormone?
Answer: Hit her in the stomach.
I told you, it’s a TERRIBLE joke!
Be Well and Good Luck. Martha Maria (recording as MarMelodian)
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
The punch line I heard was ‘don’t pay her’. lol
Did you hear the same joke when YOU were a child? It’s not such a great joke, so I wonder why it was so current?
Yeah, I heard it as a kid too. I don’t even want to repeat the punch line I heard – but I will – it was “Kick her in the c**t.” I like rubytuesday’s version much better.
Yes, I think it was like 5th or 6th grade.
and i remeber, rub her thighs:)
How funny you thought of this lately. A couple of days ago, that old childhood phrase “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” popped in my head.
And my immediate reaction was: Oh hell yes they will. I know much better at 51 than I knew at 8.
When my daughter was 3 or so she came in one day and asked “How do you get to Sesame Street?” My smiled turned to shock when she answered the riddle, “You go down your dad’s pant leg and ask Big Bird.”
She couldn’t understand that look on my face when I didn’t smile but instead said, don’t repeat that please!
Hmmm, I don’t get this.
Big bird is a character on the childnren’s program Sesame Street, a bird is also a reference to a penis, which one would find down a man’s pant leg.
Have heard of a penis referred to in many, many ways — but never a bird?? Now I’ll be looking at birds with an odd slant.
actually, this could be kind of pervy.
that’s why I asked her not to repeat it!
some “older” boys, 7 or 8 years old had told her that joke to see how much trouble she’d get into when she told me.