I’ve had this theory for a long time, so about 35 years ago when I was only in my 20′s I began to pay close attention to what I thought I might have started to notice. What I realized was it wasn’t something I had imagined. What I finally understood to be true after years of careful observing was this:
Many of us have this really bad habit of hearing what we’re thinking instead of what’s actually being said. Of reading what we’re thinking instead of what was actually written and is right there in front of our eyes. I don’t know what the proper psychological term for this would be, but I think of it as “filtering”.
What that means is we interpret and change the original intention of another person’s thoughts, feelings, experiences. Instead of giving them the validation they deserve, we do many things but that. We might feel it necessary to give advice that’s totally unsolicited and probably not needed, possibly not deserved. Or we might decide we’ve somehow personally been attacked, hurt, insulted by what we’re reading – this in spite of the fact that the person speaking or typing probably wasn’t talking about us or our own experiences in any way. Whatsoever. If they’re speaking or writing about themselves, then it’s about THEM. Period.
How does it happen, this inability to truly hear what’s being said without filtering it through our own experiences and thoughts? To not be able to read what the eyes are seeing without changing the meaning of what was written and internalizing it? I don’t know that I have any answers, I only know I’ve been observing this for a very long time. Although I originally noticed it in verbal conversations, I’ve come to realize it’s more obvious and potentially hurtful on message boards in the written word. I don’t want to sound like it’s something I’ve never done, by the way – because I’m human. And so I have. But I try hard to truly read and “hear” what I’m seeing, and then to comment from a place of understanding.
I haven’t been affected all that much by it yet personally here on VN – not about anything that’s truly important to me, but I know that when I some day find the courage to transfer the first blog I ever wrote about my personal experience with cancer here to VN….. It’s actually scary to realize there are people who may decide I’m talking about them and not myself; that they may not even know they’re personalizing something that’s exclusive to me; that they may read and react to what they’re thinking rather than what I’ve written.
If that happened, I’d be required to do a lot of deflecting to make sure I didn’t say something like, “Excuse me – when and how did this blog of mine become about you when it’s obviously about only my personal feelings?” It’s a scary thing, putting your written word out there in public and hoping your intensely personal experience will be shown the utmost respect and compassion. That you won’t be criticized simply because someone may not get that it’s not about them, it’s about the author of the blog.
As I said, so far I haven’t really posted anything controversial, but it’s coming. One of these days when I get up the courage to post “Sometimes the Only Way to Win is to Cheat”, I’ll try to make it clear that although I welcome comments, insights, and expressions of affinity, I would not welcome arguments caused by judgment. It’s a tricky and occasionally very harmful thing, this habit we humans have of “filtering”.
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p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
From Jiddu Krishnamurti:
“I hope that you will listen, but not with the memory of what you already know; and this is very difficult to do. You listen to something, and your mind immediately reacts with its knowledge, its conclusions, its opinions, its past memories. It listens, inquiring for a future understanding.
Just observe yourself, how you are listening, and you will see that this is what is taking place. Either you are listening with a conclusion, with knowledge, with certain memories, experiences, or you want an answer, and you are impatient. You want to know what it is all about, what life is all about, the extraordinary complexity of life. You are not actually listening at all.
You can only listen when the mind is quiet, when the mind doesn’t react immediately, when there is an interval between your reaction and what is being said. Then, in that interval there is a quietness, there is a silence in which alone there is a comprehension which is not intellectual understanding.
If there is a gap between what is said and your own reaction to what is said, in that interval, whether you prolong it indefinitely, for a long period or for a few seconds – in that interval, if you observe, there comes clarity. It is the interval that is the new brain. The immediate reaction is the old brain, and the old brain functions in its own traditional, accepted, reactionary, animalistic sense.
When there is an absence of that, when the reaction is suspended, when there is an interval, then you will find that the new brain acts, and it is only the new brain that can understand, not the old brain.”
I absolutely love that quote, Namaste. I need to fully practice that myself, specifically with my Mom and my husband. Thank you for this.
(And now I have to go do grocery and household shopping and be ready to be taken out to eat tonight with my stepsons, so I’m outta here. Later, my friend.)
Duffy, there is another kind of filtering too. When I went to the office everyday, by Friday, I was pretty much wiped. I tried to keep my head down and finish up the week, but I couldn’t stop co-workers from coming into my office with “stuff”. I used to tell them that it was Friday, my filter was clogged and that they may not like what I had to say. I unclogged it over the weekend! But, I got chuckles and they knew, and I would only have to say, “clogged filter” and they knew what I meant. Sometimes, we just need to listen or in this case to read and not comment.
Hi JEM. I really feel like I need to reply to you and Maggie in one post, but oh well. This was interesting to read, because as you know, your filter reference isn’t technically the one I was posting about – but YES – that’s most definitely another type of filter! I know that one well. For me, with my Mom, that particular filter would be, “Use extreme patience, she’s 82 and is losing it a bit, It serves no purpose to upset her and then be upset with yourself, too.”
I haven’t worked in an office full of people for many, many years. I don’t know if I’d have the patience to deal with that now, although I might. I love your “clogged filter” warning. When I was young and had a huge amount of patience, I used to be the Ann Landers of the office. Everyone came to me with their problems. I’d listen carefully, I’d offer my observations, and they’d walk away feeling lighter of spirit and like they could now handle their problems. I never felt like my filter got clogged back then – but I was a whole lot younger and I had TONS more patience.
Regarding reading without commenting – AHA! I know for myself that’s an area I need to work on, especially late at night when my filter doesn’t work all that well. “Just ‘walk’ away without commenting, Duffy.” Yep, sometimes that’s a very good idea. :-)
Three cheers for ‘awareness’. Really haven’t a clue as to how one goes through life without filtering!! Worked with a wonderful Psychologist (writer of about 16 really down to earth books regarding psychology of life-Dorothy Rowe) years ago — and one of the exercises we do on/with/to ourselves goes like this. ‘When I am talking to someone — I choose my words very carefully, pack them into a box called ‘conversation’ – tie them with a ribbon and hand them to the person I am talking to. That person unties the ribbon – takes the lid off the box and begins to unpack my words — but possibly in the wrong order, or wrong speed or ??? I want to shout – ‘but that’s not how I packed (said) the words. That’s not what I meant! you did it wrong! ’
And, because I am very aware of ‘differences’ in each of our level of understanding, interpreting and filtering – I know I cannot be upset with all of the hundreds of conversations I may have in a week. I went through a few years of thinking every thing I did was wrong – as a human person — now — I know that unless I am committing mayhem and murder — there is no wrong! Only differences of opinion.
And when I take my final breath — I hope the thought before that happens is that I will be content that through most of my life I was not a caricature of the billions of voices I heard over the years — that in the final run — I was and am who I am.
The packed box and the unpacking of the box in the wrong order, at the wrong speed… What a fascinating visual, Maggie. I’m surrounded by (in my opinion only, of course) “sloppy unpackers” in my immediate family I’ve had for 29 years through my husband. They’re not intellectuals in any way, and in fact they definitely think I’m a bit odd. Okay, they think I’m extremely odd, so this site has become a bit of an outlet for me when I decide to be serious and introspective rather than just being silly. (Which I love to do – be outrageously silly – and which is the one area where my family and I totally match each other!)
Both my bio here and the blog I intend to post some day about my personal feelings regarding cancer have the sentence “No-one’s beliefs are superior – or right – or wrong. They’re all merely individual and should be respected as such.”
That statement reflects how I truly feel….. And yet I often forget it myself and think someone needs to be corrected, or at least have something pointed out to to them. But NO! It’s just the differences of opinion you mentioned. If I’m asking for considerate acceptance from others, then I need to remember to work on showing it to them.
Oh my, I think my own thread has highlighted the fact that I’m a huge work in progress. It’s one thing to recognize a fault or a bad habit in others. It’s quite another to notice when you’re about to fall into that same trap yourself. And then when it comes to places like VN, have the sense to do what JEM said – read without commenting.
I love your final statement, though. I also am who I am – and I definitely warn people in my “real life” that they shouldn’t ask for my opinions if they don’t want to take the chance they won’t automatically get affirmation from me. I won’t “lie” or “gloss over” just to make someone like me a little better. I do sometimes avoid answering a question, though, since I’m not into hurting people unnecessarily. That’s my only concession to smudging the “I am who I am” position I normally take in order to stay true to myself.
Love your last para — and I’m with you on that!! When people ask me a question (personal or otherwise) I want to make sure they want an honest (truthful) answer so — I ask them if they really want me to answer because — as you said — no lies or glossies !! Of course this gives them the choice to answer them or find someone else. All of this is done with kindness and good manners. I learned long ago that I do not have to be angry to make a statement. (this may be off topic)
And don’t you think that when/if people ask for advise there is some degree of trust in you or they wouldn’t???
Regarding people asking for advice and that showing a degree of trust, my answer is a very definite “Yes.”
Regarding people asking things like, “Do you like this new hairstyle/color of hair/outfit/pair of shoes/carpeting?” No, not so much – or at least not always. When those types of questions are asked after the fact, I fully believe people are often looking for affirmation of their choices/decisions – and that’s why I try to warn those people I may not be the right person to ask.
By “people”, I mean when new people come into my life, like a daughter-in-law, for instance. My (now ex, thank GOD) daughter-in-law could never handle that about me, no matter how gently I’d try to word my answers if I couldn’t give her a resounding “YES!” She’d been raised to believe she could do no wrong (plus, she and I had very different tastes), which begs the question….. Why in the world would she need my approval?
Regarding advice – personally I only ask for advice from people I absolutely trust to have the same values I do, who I know aren’t polar opposites of me and would give me advice I’d consider off the wall. So yes, I think we only ask for that from people we trust – which is always a good idea. Maybe that’s why I so completely hate receiving unsolicited advice. It always makes me want to say, “But I didn’t ask for your opinion or advice, so…. So why the hell did you feel a need to give it to me?!?”
(Maggie, I am now about to ask for your opinion: Did that last sentence sound rude to you? Because I honestly think unsolicited advice is rude, but I’ve learned over the years that the people who feel a NEED to give it think I’m the rude one for not appreciating their effort to set me straight and/or tell me something I already knew.)
Yes!! Sorry but you did ask! It really isn’t necessary to slap them down — all we have to do is nod, go vacant and say in a slow drawl — ‘interesting’. I promise you they will learn they are boring you and will stop. It really isn’t necessary to be angry or rude to make a statement. Took me a while but I did get the knack of it. Good luck. From reading your blogs, I somehow don’t see you doing ‘rude’.
P.S. — could this approach – nodding, vacanting and one word reply be a visible sign of filtering???
Hi – and thanks for the honest answer, Maggie. You were right, I rarely ever slap people down rudely the way I worded it in that last paragraph, even if I’d perhaps occasionally like to do it. I prefer to “deflect” by just thanking them for their advice, although I have on occasion mentioned that I didn’t ask for advice. In a polite way.
Nodding, vacanting (being vapid and witless???) and giving a one word reply…. That’s definitely not filtering in the way I described it in my blog post, but it’s quite possibly filtering in the way a few readers somehow took what I said. In my opinion what you described is deflecting, not filtering.
In my blog post I was saying “Listen/read carefully without filtering – i.e. changing the speakers/authors words so they fit your thoughts instead of what the speaker/author actually said and intended.” Doing THAT is filtering in the way I clearly described it.
I sincerely believe people skim while reading. OFTEN. And so they pick up on a few key words that resonate with them, thereby filtering without having any idea they did so. Truly hearing/reading what was said with NO skimming and NO filtering of the words through your own thoughts takes concentration.
Well anyway, when it comes to totally unsolicited advice, here’s to “deflecting” with polite patience, even if someone insists on continuing to argue with you and demanding you MUST agree with what they’re trying to tell you. (grin)
I enjoyed this post and agree with you. Knowing that we all come with personal filters, should help you understand those who do not , yet, realize they have them!
Well, and hopefully it’ll help people not filter the author’s intentions through their own thoughts/filters – to just accept what they’re reading without filtering it. I’m glad you enjoyed this, Curiousue – thanks for that.
This post is sooooooo true. Just the other day I got blessed out by one of the lawyers I reception for because I “filtered.” I have gotten used to saying: He’s not available – would you like his voicemail? Well: what the lawyer said was: Tell her (his client) I’ll call her right back. I filtered: Put her into voicemail. This lawyer was FURIOUS and rightly so. I felt like two cents because he was standing right there when I totally disregarded what he had said and said: He’s not available – would you like his voicemail? I don’t know if it’s menopause or what – but I find myself having to REALLY pay attention to people when they speak to me and to REALLY read what is being written in order to not feel and look stupid with my replies. Right now I’m wondering if I got the total gist of your post – I hope I did.
LOL persimian!!! When I first started reading your reply, I thought, “She totally took my post the opposite of what I intended.” Fortunately I kept reading, because you did get the gist of what I was saying. I almost “filtered” you due to my husband speaking to me while I was reading!!!
Yep, concentration is important. So is not filtering everything through your own thoughts instead of the author’s (and speaker’s) thoughts. That’s what I’m hoping people take away from this. Thanks for reading me.
Duffy, thank you very much for starting this post & topic. I love that as we age we are still learning more about ourselves everyday. I learned a lot about myself thru these posts. I also realize I need to read & re-read them. Thank you Duffy & VN women who contributed to my need for further study of this topic.
Well thank you back, Mags. I’m really glad you took something from this post, and that it meant something to you. You know? It IS possible you’ll want to read and re-read it, because (don’t tell, but) I’m a rather wordy person. There’s some good advice in this post of mine, though – and yes, it definitely requires concentration to fully absorb what I was saying, as well as what was said in the beautiful supplementary quote Namaste posted from Jiddu Krishnamurti.