I’ve begun to suspect I may have some anger-control issues. Not surprisingly, they may be directly related to the fact that having had to deal with breast cancer three times since 2002 seems to have left me feeling like I have no control over my life. And so I refuse to let anyone or anything else in life have control over me.
The problem with that is, so very many people and entities feel it’s necessary to exercise control over me, over others, just over, and so I find myself reacting. Angrily. Or with strong emotional responses, at the very least.
I do my best to exercise control over my 6-lb Alpha-wannabe dog who can be so sweet, but who has unfortunately earned herself the nickname Cujo-Bitch by my stepson…. But other than that I can’t think of one single person I try to control. Not even my husband. Ever.
I suspect that’s because my Mom is a control freak, and so is my sister – and because I’ve watched this in them since I was very young, I’ve always known I’d rather not be like that. Of course, this means no-one has ever been allowed to control me, either – and the fact that cancer is stripping me of my control over my own life….. Literally my own LIFE….. That’s been hard for me.
I’d like to have control over my own body and destroy all cancer cells before they can even finish forming. Since that’s not possible, I will at least continue to refuse to let any person or entity on this planet think they can or should have any control over me, as long as I’ve done nothing illegal.
It’s the least I can do for myself. It’s also the right thing to do for myself. And now for a really bad pun given my two single mastectomies, plus the equivalent last summer of a double mastectomy:
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
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Hello Rose,
I am new to this site, but would like to share these words.
Whether or not money is involved always listen to your instincts first. When we listen closely, our instincts do not lead us in a wrong direction. It is when we fail to listen 
Susan -- I love the idea of the wrap, and thank you for the cinnamon tip. We must have the same house guests who show up each summer.
Hi Louise--I have met with a group of women on Whidbey Island and have started a discussion about the options and needs. Many of us would like a spiritual (not religious) tone to the community and that is drawing the most interest.
I lived in Ashe
Hello, Morgana,
Welcome to the discussion. (There are two threads, but let's stick with his one vs. the original from 12/7/12.)
Yes--we liked that article from NPR. Posted it on our website & retweeted. It will get lots of people thinking, so h
Wow you have had a really tough time. And you have made it through to the other side. For an uplifting read (if you haven’t got to it already) I encourage you to get hold of Suzanne Somers book ‘Breakthrough’ – then you will be empowered….
Thank you, Helen. I appreciate you caring. I’m already quite empowered through Reiki. I’m just temporarily feeling a bit down (and possibly irritable) right now due to…. stuff. Life will get back to normal and I’ll find my full sense of humor along with my sense of calm again one of these days real soon.
Good for you. Completely, totally and utterly understandable.
I laughed at the vision of a 6 lb cujo bitch!
Oh MAN – I wish I could say I’d exaggerated on that, DL – but nope. She makes us bleed way too often with her teensy, tiny, razor-like fangs. (grin)
As a person dealing with ongoing health issues I can sooo relate.
I’m teaching myself self-hypnosis to help me deal with my various feelings… anger being a biggie… and to help me regain some measure (or illusion) of control. Yes, I know I can’t control my body or the outcome, but I’m going to keep on trying things in an effort to help myself.
After all, it’s my body and my life.
By the way, I loved how you described your dog.
Thanks, dancing – I’m the “other” person who does Reiki through meditation – we chatted about it.
As far as my dog goes, you can see a picture of here in an earlier blog I did. She loves being with us on our yearly 3-week bass fishing vacation in Minnesota and is actually totally chilled-out while on the boat. It’s very odd and very wonderful.
http://www.vibrantnation.com/our-blog-circle/life-is-not-controllable/we-love-babysitting-our-100-lb-grandson/
Hi Duffy, of course I remember you!. We’re sisters in Reiki and we both know the benefits of having a sense of humour.
Thanks for the link. Your dog looks like a total angel in that photo.Hard to believe she has this other side to her personality. She sounds like a real character.
If you ever want some Reiki sent your way, please let me know.
Take care!
Go for it, grrrrrrrrrrlfriend!! You are righteous!
OH – I had to delete my reply and start over cuz you changed your post. QUIT THAT. Okay, now I truly AM heading for the shower. (And thanks for that fine, proud growl on my behalf.)
Don’t electroshock yourself!
LOLOLOLOL!!!!
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah – see now? If you’d left that post the first time, I could’ve left my original reply asking you what the HELL you were growling at me for. LMAO!
Duffy, So glad you’re back and (VN) the girls are out!:-)) I was in southern Minnasota and Wisconsin when you were fishing. Good time had by all I hope…TRACK
Hi Track! I’m so glad we’re all together again and managing to laugh. God knows I’ve needed that, what with my feet being so swollen I couldn’t walk and ….. and just STUFF. We did have a good time in Northern Minnesota, thanks – even though the fishing wasn’t very good thanks to the weather having been unusually warm for up there most of the summer, which made the water way warmer than normal, which meant…. well never mind. (grin)
But let me tell you what, being able to get up at 6:30 in the morning and go out fishing in capris and flip-flops…. that’s something that’s never happened before and it was wonderful. (Yes, that was 6:30AM – I’m a serious bassfisherwoman. We fished 3 times a day as long as the weather was nice. I’m not serious enough about it to fish in the rain, but my dumb husband sure is, hahahaaa.)
How was your time spent in southern Minnesota and Wisconsin? I hope you had a great time doing whatever you were doing. (I’m assuming it wasn’t fishing for bass, LOL!)
I am so glad you have gotten that off of your chest, for a while anyway. I know it feels good. You know you have a right to that anger, I don;t have to tell you that, or that it will get better and worse…I have had breast cancer too, as you might know…a sister of sorts…the same…yet at the same time very different…maybe someday I will tell my story here…but this is your post!!! so you go girl! I love the sound of your Cujo-Bitch! -and I am sure that is said with much love…lol…welcome back all of you, I do so enjoy your banter so much, even when the subject is a serious one the underlying humor does my heart good!
Thanks pinkim! I’m feeling tons better tonight, thanks to doing some reiki and then laughing a lot with my husband. I even threw some flirting in there.
If you’ve had breast cancer, we’ve walked a ways in the same shoes, or at least real similar ones, haven’t we? There’s tons more to my story, too, like having had mysterious chronic fatigue nonstop from 1979 when I was only 27 through today – but that’s a story I’ll probably never bother to get into, since that seems like *nothing* now. I’ll take my constant fatigue, I’ll take my migraines every time there’s a change in the weather, I’ll take it all happily if only I could trade my cancer for it.
But hey – I have a nice house, a husband who loves me and gets a good pension, and I have lots of friends to laugh with – here, on facebook and in real life. The laughter means more to me in terms of keeping my spirits up than anything else in the world. Humor and laughter truly keep me sane.
Speaking of which, I’m so glad you enjoy the banter, because I sometimes feel bad about the way we can just take over threads and hijack them. (It’s that Namaste person’s fault, you know. She’s the ringleader. Just don’t tell her I said so – last time she shrieked like a zoo full of insane monkeys over me saying that.)
Beware…insane monnkeys fling poo….EEEEEEK! EEEEEEK! EEEEEEEK!
Pffffffffffft – I ain’t scared of your insane monkeys or their poo. (I didn’t get around to e-mailing you last night, btw. I’m sure you noticed. Will do so as soon as my migraine is fully under control and I can concentrate better.)
I don’t know Duffy, the poo might scare me,,,or at least the smell…lol…
Wishing you luck. I too had those in my family. I started saying, “I gave up being the Manager of the Universe” whenever someone one would give me a should of/could event. If that didn’t work, I got really snarkey and said, “You know, I gave up being the Manager of the Universe last year and it feels great. Give it a try.” A few of those with a sweet accent and they back off.
In the meantime…keep that great sense of humor…only if you too of course…..:-)
Emotions destroy our immune system. Every time we feel anger/stress, our body releases cortisol. Cortisol destroys our immune system. I have always ssaid that it is a miracle I am not dead, after a childhood of abuse and 36 years of abuse from a “husband.”
As the moderator of an abused survivors’ group, I have never met a woman who didn’t have a myriad of physical problems.
Abuse can even change the brain (physically).
Stress is SO bad for the immune system – absolutely, Alicia. I fully believe laughter can counteract those negative effects, though, and we try to laugh in this household as much as humanly possible.
My chronic fatigue started with a bad virus that all but killed me. I was living a thousand miles away from any family (beginning at age 21 – wanted to escape “Nowhere, Illinois”) and I couldn’t just not go to work and earn no money to pay rent and buy groceries until I got healthy. I eventually ended up back here in Illinois recovering in a bedroom at my parents house for months, with permanent damage having been done to my immune system from trying to push my way stubbornly through that illness.
Oh how lovely it would be if hindsight could allow us to go back and change what we occasionally do to ourselves, especially when we’re “young and dumb” – and in my case, insisting on continuing to live my enjoyable life I was living at the time. :-)
Thank you, Dr.She. I know you’ve had some challenges in your life, too – just have no clue exactly what since I’ve only been here since last May. I deal with my mom and sister by just smiling and walking away without allowing them to engage me.
If I’m on the phone (mostly with my Mom), I’ll occasionally deal with it by saying, “I’m sorry – did you think for a minute there I’m Kae?” (That’s my sister. Mom lives unhappily in an apt attached to their house – something they’re all sorry they did in 2002 – and the two of them struggle for control over each other all the time.) Anyway, just mentioning my sister seems to make Mom realize she’s trying to argue with me when no argument is warranted.
And in the meantime…a good sense of humor makes all the difference in the world, doesn’t it? Hugs to you.
Good way of dealing with it. Remember the Jimmy Buffett quote, ” If we didn’t laugh, we’d all go insane.” Keep up the sense of humor and the balance.
After reading your blog I too realize that I have anger seething just below the service. Also, a breast cancer survivor and doing well — although femara kicks my butt (or maybe it was the chemo and radiation). However, it does seem that complaints/criticisms directed at me that would normally roll off my back, get a direct response. I get angry at people who complain about various physical complaints, and what they really need to do is lose 50 lbs or more. Those who complain about problems with their life when they are so blessed and fortunate with what they have. Or the criticizers who need to hear — hey stop noticing the splinter in my eye, when you’ve got a log in yours. I start Tai Chi in September so maybe that will help.
I’m on Arimidex now – well, I took myself off it for a while so I could enjoy our MN fishing trip without being in so much pain. I need to get back on it, and I don’t WANNA! I have a feeling I’ll end up refusing to take any AI’s, since I’m a huge believer in refusing to give up one ounce of quality of life in order to MAYBE gain a little quantity. (They actually have absolutely no clue if those meds will make a difference for any specific individual.)
I believe Tai Chi may help you a lot, Joanne. I just ordered a set of 3 yoga tapes for “older people”, and I’m hoping to get my flexibility back as well as help myself find more balance again both emotionally and mentally.
Good luck with the Tai Chi, I really hope it helps. I know how hard it is to be around “the immortals” who think they know what it feels like to know they’ll die “some day”. It’s shocking to find out after diagnosis just how much you did NOT understand about having been told you now have to live with a disease that’ll never quit trying to kill you.
When I hear others complain about things that seem trivial and so obviously temporary to me, I try hard to remember that my possibly worse reality does not make their reality any less upsetting for them. Just as, for example, knowing about the plight of people in 3rd world countries who are starving to death (and often far worse) doesn’t make my head hurt any less when I have a killer migraine and am vomiting from the pain.
That kind of makes you stop and think, doesn’t it? It’s still hard to listen to whining when you’ve been handed a death sentence…. but it’s definitely something to ponder and remind oneself of regularly. (And I thank you for causing me to remind myself of that, by the way!)
I understand exactly what you are saying, I remind myself of that all the time. I try to remember that everyone has something to complainabout and it is important to them. Just because it may not seem as important to me, does not mean that I should or can belittle it…I so do not want to be that kind of person. I think that makes us better people, that we can understand that. I too suffer from migraines. I have, since adolescence, another “wonderful” thing in common…
Hello young one. While I’m waiting on the Giz update I thought I’d stop by and say hello. Although we’ve never met I feel like we’ve known each other for years. I’m sorry that the fishing wasn’t better for you guys. But isn’t a big part of it the experience as well as the outcome?
And as far as the water being warmer, did you two get in tha warm water and do things that frightened fish?
Now go kick some butt today, just like always!
HI old one! (hahaha, you so walked into that one) I know what you mean – it’s really something the way you can bond with other women on here, isn’t it?
Regarding MN – we had a great time fishing, although we occasionally quit earlier than we normally would, simply because casting 500-or-so times with absolutely nothing happening can get both boring and frustrating. Did we get in the water? NO. It’s fishy lake water, and there’s no sand on the bottom. Stinky muck just doesn’t seem to do it for me. (snort)
I was SURE you’d have had a Gizmo update by now, dammit. I’ll be watching for when you do.
Duffy: I am soooooo sorry to hear about your battle with cancer. I – too – had a battle with breast cancer and was angry as hell – mainly because I did EVERYTHING the so-called experts said should be done to avoid this demon. At one point I was the posterchild for good health and lectured everyone on how to get and maintain good health. Imagine how pissed I was to get this diagnosis three (3) months after my yearly mammogram and checkup!!! I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how the doctors missed that!!! Talk about angry?!!! The word BITCH is the only way to describe my attitude during this time. I had been betrayed by EVERYONE – the doctors – the experts -my own body - the vitamin companies – food industry, etc. EVERYONE!!! My family caught hell from me and my poor mother put up with an attitude she had never thought she’d ever experience from me. We argued fiercely about MY treatment and things got so heated that at one point we were literally slamming doors on one another. As far as I was concerned – like you – NOBODY WAS GOING TO TELL ME HOW TO CONTROL MY LIFE – I would take the treatment I thought was best for me and if you didn’t like – so what?!!!
I can only imagine what you are experiencing as this is your third (3rd) bout with this god-awful disease. Each and every day the thought that my cancer could recur in my right breast (my left breast was taken after 5 surgeries as they couldn’t get all the cancer), but I don’t focus on it otherwise I’d lose it. I don’t know if I would have the strength that you have to fight this again and pray that I’m never put in that position. To go through that hell again is something I don’t think I’m capable of handling.
You are a VERY STRONG woman to go through this again – and I feel if you want to be angry – then by golly – that’s what you should be. You are experiencing something that only a handful of women can imagine and understand and most men wouldn’t even try to understand. If you feel like screaming, crying, punching a wall – let it out. I – for one – can’t see anyone faulting you for being angry. But I also strongly suggest that you see a therapist or join a support group – I joined SHARE and called my counselor 40 times a day in the beginning. She was a godsend in that she listened to me bitch everytime I called. I’m sure if it were me on the other end of the telephone I wouldn’t have listened to half the crap she listened to from me.
Duffy: Also know that we at VN are praying for your good health to be restored each and every day. Please feel free to let us know how you are feeling. Take care of yourself and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS make yourself #1 – if others don’t like it or can’t understand it “F” them. They aren’t the ones trying to save your life – YOU ARE!!!
OH! Persimian, I’m so sorry. Thank you so much, but you misunderstood my post. I was using cancer as an example of why no-one (and nothing, including cancer) will be allowed to control me – the cancer itself isn’t at all why I was angry yesterday.
I’ve been in therapy since my first diagnosis in 2002, and actually my psychiatrist can’t get over how amazingly centered I’ve been (given what I live with) since my Reiki training I received in 2008 – about 6 months before I found a new lump on my scar-line myself. (Which was a mere 2 months after having my yearly scans, which amazingly showed nothing. As in were mis-read.)
In 2002 I was just panicked. In 2007 I was angry. In 2009, I just felt like something inevitable had happened, because I’d been insisting to everyone who’d listen that something was not right within my body. I knew – I already knew.
Yesterday I was upset about something else entirely, and that’s what my blog post was about. So I meditated, did some Reiki for myself…. and I let the anger go. But before I did that, I allowed myself to put those feelings of “If I won’t allow cancer to control me, why in the world would I let a person or a group of human beings do that?” The answer is I don’t and I never will.
I don’t need to scream or cry or punch anything, at least not 99.99% of the time. And when I do, I put it into words instead – and then I go meditate and just let it go. If you read my profile, you’ll see that no-one tells me what to do, not even my poor oncologist. I drove the poor, sweet man insane until oncotype testing came out and he found out my instincts telling me to not do chemo had been right.
Hi Duffy – gotta tell you that I class you as one of the “healthiest” people I know due to how you handle life and express yourself on your blog and on VN. Despite all the physical stuff that’s been loaded on you to deal with, you just sound so healthy that you make me forget you’re fighting the battle of your life, for your life. And I deeply believe you are going to be victorious in all respects – living your life fully and on your terms. It is so good to have you back on line! I really missed your “voice”.
HEY! Thanks, sweetie. You got what I was saying, didn’t you? (grin)
I have to agree with your assesment here Lisa.
Aw, thanks pinkim. In case you thought Lisa meant she feels my cancer won’t come back and I won’t be told “this is it” (when she said “victorious in all respects”), she didn’t mean it that way. She knows how I feel, she knows my plans for the future when the time comes…..
I’ll live my life fully and on my terms right up until cancer prevents that. And at that point, cancer will NOT be allowed to be the victorious one, the one in control. I’ll be in control of my time of death and therefore victorious. That’s what Lisa meant.
And in the meantime, I’ll live as though mets aren’t in my future. So THERE to cancer!
I’m pretty sure that I undertood her, but I understand yur need to clarify. I just meant that I admire your healthy mental outlook on life and because of that outlook I believe that her assesment is spot on…
Well then YAY! I love when people “get me” without judgement. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.
I do know I prefer the world with Duffy in it. I look forward to years and years and years of your snorts and guffaws! Big hugs.
Well, I am suprised by the thanks, certainly no need, my pleasure…
Get you loud and clear and with deep and awe-inspiring admiration!! Facing stuff head on takes a lot of strength and bravery. Control is a very emotion-laden heavy word. Was in a life/death situation years ago and had to learn to let go and let God. Not a mantra for all, but it worked for me so that I could be rid of negative anger (some anger is positive) and allow my body, mind and spirit to work ‘for’ me.
My mum used to say — only God can judge and only God can forgive. I was relieved to hear that!! All the bestest in the world.
Aww, thank you Maggie. My very first blog post I ever did just four months ago on April 30th (and the only reason I started a blog, actually) was about this very subject. When VN found me and asked me to start blogging on VN, I decided there was no way that blog could be transferred here until the VN women got to know me.
It’s an emotional, heartfelt statement that contains my views on MY cancer and what’ll happen in MY life. One of these days I’ll transfer it here and let the chips fall where they may. There’s really not much anybody can say if they read the end of the blog carefully, and if they understand I have my family’s support. Because, of course, it’s not their decision to make or for them to pass judgement on.
But to have you support me out of the blue like this, Maggie – that means a lot to me, and I thank you for it.
Hi Duffy. I think it is sad if we don’t or aren’t able to live our lives on our own terms. I absolutely agree with what you said, no one should be able to control our life. One of my sisters gave me a variation of the Serenity Prayer that ends with “give me the courage to change the one person I can, and the wisdom to know that person is me”. I love your strength, wisdom and zest for life. Duffy, I love your zany comments, you make me smile. Take care my friend.
Thank you, azul. Considering the feedback I’m getting right here, right now, maybe it’s time to go ahead and post that first blog of mine. I do SO appreciate you and the other VN’ers understanding and agreeing. And I love making anybody smile.
Duffy, I for one would love to read your first blog whenever you feel comfortable and that the time is right for you to post it. Take care.
I posted it yesterday, azul – somehow it’s already on Page 3, though! It’s the one with the title:
Sometimes the only way to win is to cheat
The VN women have been wonderful about supporting me – and about staying silent in a loving and respectful way if they can’t.