To understand why we lie, we need not look any further than our own mothers. They are the ones who taught us how to lie and when those lies were appropriate. Of course, we as little girls, never wanted to believe our mommies would do such a thing, but they did—just as their mothers more than likely lied to them.
The experts call it “parenting by lying.” It’s a strategy used to manipulate a young child’s behavior and emotions. Our mothers warned us about all of the bad things that would happen to us of we didn’t do what they told us to do. They even conned us into good behavior all year long by reminding us that Santa Claus wouldn’t bring us any toys if we were naughty.
Sometimes the lies our mothers told us were absolutely necessary. They were meant to protect is from hurt or just to make us happy.
What lies do you recall your mother or other family member telling you to spare your feelings or to simply put a smile on your face?
Rest assured, we don't send spam and your info is never shared with 3rd parties. |
It seems to me the only response is: you are right and leave it at that. Nothing else except to walk away.
Yeah, right. One more thing to blame your mom for.
Connie,
This post isn’t about BLAMING anybody. It is based on a book I wrote that examines lies women tell, why we tell them and how we may have been influenced. It was written because of a lie I told that nearly cost me my life.
Certainly, if you or your mother have never lied, this post is of no relevance to you.
Beverly, I sincerely apologize. My terse little rant was a joke. I blame my mom for EVERYTHING I have done wrong. Including letting my dark sense of humor come out at the wrong times. I also blame myself for everything my daughters have done wrong. Hell, I’ll blame myself for what my female descendants do wrong into the next 20 generations. (Yeah, I have a lot of Mommie issues.) I understand perfectly what you are saying in your post and believe every word of it. I will be more careful about what I post in the future.
Connie,
It’s so hard to tell a rant in an email but no harm—no foul. I blame my mother for everything too–including not warning me about my first husband
I remember my dad telling me that our old dog had died during a surgical procedure when in fact she had been put to sleep. She had a tumor in her throat and was very old and they couldn’t do surgery because of her health. She was my first pet and my best friend. I still think about that to this day. I know they were trying to spare me but I still remember how hard it was to accept.
Tiger,
As I said in my post, sometimes those we love “lie” because they are trying to protect us–to spare our feelings. I do think when the truth comes out it probably makes it even harder to deal with. Thanks for commenting.
Sometimes the truth can be brutal – and honesty is not the best policy if it will cause great pain or damage to another person. Often, though, we lie more from fear, or wanting to avoid unpleasantness, than from any slefless, altruistic motives towards someone else.
But when it comes to children, especially, yoy have to make difficult decisions on what is appropriate to tell them, what they are capable of understanding, or coping with. You might make a wrong decision, too. But you do the best you can – and I’ve certainly seen damage caused when parents said too much, or said it too soon.
In my own case, my own Mom was rarely honest with herself, so it was pretty much impossible for her to tell me the truth. To this day, I think she lives in an “alternate reality”. I have tried with all my heart to do better with my daughter – and with my own self. Not blaming her! At a certain point, we all have to realize we are responsible for what we do and say – we put on our own pair of BIG GIRL PANTS and get out there and live our lives, and hopefully deal with things as adults. I made that decision, and lived with the good and bad aspects of it, when I was around 19. My sister – still waiting for her to find her own pair of BIG GIRL PANTS. She seems to be forming her own alternate reality, and dealing with life in a way similar to my Mom.
Bottom line – you have a brain to examine and analyze what your parents told you – the way they conducted their lives. I have tried to retain the qualities they had that were good, and productive, and worth emulating. But I also made a conscious effort not to repeat their mistakes and destuctive patterns of behaviour.
I made my own new and different mistakes. I learned from them. I dealt with the consequences. And I continued to get wiser. I am still not honest with everybody – not everyone os ready for that, or even wants it. My Mom never will. I am starting to think my sister never will. But that is her choice, and her life. I’d rather live mine with my eyes open, and be more around people I can be real and honest with. My daughter, who is now 18, I am pretty much an open book with, and she is wearing those big girl pants of her own with real style!
RamblinRedhead,
Wow! You said a mouthful and I love it!!! You’re right—in the end it’s about how we choose to handle our truths and lies and our life in general. My mother was just the opposite of yours. She was brutally honest and that’s why she wasn’t very popular in our neighborhood growing up. She knew secrets and she told them. I remember when I was about 8 years old, she told my best friend she was adopted and that her dad had her with another woman. Of course, my friend was devastated. Her parents denied it at first and then when she turned 17, they told her the truth.
I think I understand where RamblinRedhead is coming from. My mother was not only the original ostrich, ”erase it, erase it, erase it” was her favorite phrase, when something went wrong, she would often sigh, and say, “I tried.” All said, though, she didn’t lie to me. She told me “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, I always had lots of friends at your age.” when I came home in tears after finding out I wasn’t invited to someone’s party. If I bought a new dress or skirt, she’d remark “That doesn’tt do a THING for you!” She called and told me I was dis-invited from being in my sister’s wedding because I would be 5 months pregnant rather than put my younger sibling in a position of embarrassment. I, too, have never lied to our grown daughters to make them feel better. But I’m a whole lot nicer! In our family, truth delivered with tact and kindness seems to work best all around.
I think I know what RamblinRedhead is saying. My mother was the original ostrich. ”erase it, erase it, erase it” was a favorite phrase. Whenever something would go wrong, she would sigh, and then say “I tried.” All said, though, she didn’t lie to me. She told me “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, I always had lots of friends at your age.” when I came home in tears after finding out I wasn’t invited to someone’s party. She would tell me “That doesn’t do a THING for you” if she didn’t like a new outfit. Rather than have my younger sister suffer through an embarrassing situation, she called to tell me I was dis-invited from being in my sister’s wedding because I would be 5 months pregnant then. While I have never lied to our grown daughters to make them feel better, I’m much nicer. In our family, truth delivered with tact and kindness seems to work best all around.
my Mum told me if I allowed the cats to sleep on my pillow i would get asthma.I did not even know what asthma was! But I always remembered that warning!Of course it was not true but it kept the cat hair off my pillow
The biggest lie of all: If I ever dared to be sexual before marriage, “no good man” would ever marry me.
HAH!
jhl&f,
My mother mixed brutal honesty with lies. She never minced words when she wanted to say what she really thought about a person but when it came to herself, she was a lot less forthcoming.
I know I developed my mother’s “as a matter of fact” attitude but I am a lot more comfortable with myself these days to not want to “cover up” the truth.
But I will tell you I had to go through a major CLEANSING process in order to get there. I wrote about it in my book, Don’t Ask and I Won’t Have to Lie.”
As I read all these posts, I notice they all have one thing in common: They are an exercise in catharsis for their authors! So freeing, don’t you think?