A rule such as never date a man who smells too good comes after a lifetime of observations. I found that if a man has no musky odor; that if he showers, buffs and sprays his musk away, he is probably gay. Okay, he is gay. No sense in dating him- he may be in denial, but a non-musky man is stepping over the metro-sexual line and diving straight down to the down low. I have also learned that if a man tells you he is an asshole, he is an asshole. LISTEN to the words and acknowledge them, then RUN away. For three months I allowed my life to be infiltrated by a crazy man- everyone who met him looked at me and said, “Hey, this guy is no good.” Even Ron White called me into the green room at the comedy club and said this, “Kim, I like you; I don’t know why. Listen to me, this guy out there is no good. Shake him loose, he is bad news. Do you see what I am saying is a big deal, me, Ron White, telling you to stay away from a guy? Take my advice, or you may be sorry.”
I was. I was blinded by lies and manipulation. He stole 100 dollars from my daughter. He called my boss when we had a fight. He told me he was receiving money from his father’s estate, a trust fund, and was very wealthy, but every gift he gave me had a price tag. He was stupid- very very stupid. He wrecked my car and damged the frame, then when I went to fix it…oh never mind, he was just a devil. Once when we had an argument he even called his lawyer- or so he said. I since learned this man dated a dental hygienist from my dental office. She lost everything when she took up with him: her job, all of her inheritance, her self-worth. Why?
Women in their middle to late 30′s go a bit nuts sometimes themselves. It may be hormones, it could be the unrealized life they have yet to live; looking ahead to being forty and over the hill. Though Oprah said 50 is the new 30 it’s that because she has a billion dollars. For the middle-class woman, 40 is scary, 50, well, 50 is inevitable. I fell for crazy-weirdo guy because he was 12 years younger and amazing when the lights were out. End of story. No need to elaborate. I had just turned 40 and it felt like I was running the curve in a race, with the next stretch being the end of my world and my beauty, as I knew it. It was.
I was sitting in the air port in Japan. Iliza Sclesinger, Keith Bareny and I were on a comedy tour with Armed Force Entertainment. I had a blast, the shows were good, but 25-year-old Iliza forced me to realize I was not getting the second looks any more. She was. I noticed gentleman after gentleman give her a double-take. Her boobs were really big and she is very attractive. Me? I sat next to her and felt old and ugly. “You’ll be 45 someday Iliza,” I thought to myself. She has done well with her comedy and her boobs and will probably have enough money at 45 to say that 45 is the new 16.
There are studies out there about women in their 30′s, what they think, why they divorce. I have encouraged many young women in their mid 30′s to stay with their marriage- that their unhappiness may pass. I have told them to go on vacations with their girlfriends, take up an adrenaline sport, get a drastic new hairstyle- anything but divorce and end up dating weirdos!! I compare a woman’s 30′s to being a mother. We are constantly questioning if we are doing the right thing for our children, if we are being effective parents and flop to the other side of the mommy mountain and we wonder what we are worth. I stayed at home with my girls for seven years and loved it…in retrospect. In real time it was so hard. I felt like I was not a part of life and that I was missing SOMETHING, but not sure what. I worked hard at being a good mom; the proof is in the women they are today. They are made of some good stuff! After 45, most women are on the other side of their mountain and witness to all of their own resolutions.
I have warned them about the mid-thirty-crazies. If either of them makes a drastic move I will personally tie them down until they are over it. The mid-thrity-crazies creates a fever, and women don’t think too clearly when they have the heat of insecurity and uncertainty coming off their newly wrinkled brows.
I am over that time and thanks to menopause I am coming together nicely with my new hormonal arrangement. Now, I am calmer, I have more clarity; not to see the wrinkles on my face, but in time. Life is now, and I am rooting myself in that. I am no longer running the race, I think I will be happier on the sidelines as a trainer, encouraging my fellow females to keep a good pace and pass by those sweet-smelling men!
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I had to chuckle because misery loves company! I've been in a funk for days now. I call all these types of things "the mosquitos" of life. It's like one more thing and you're going to pull the trigger. What I hate and this seems to apply to m
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
Really? I don’t think I became sane until my mid thirties. I finally had the time & the life hardship experences to think & look at myself with no veil across. I finally realized that this is my life & I’m at that point where I don’t have to get through each day going from 1 task to another cuz the kids were getting big enough to play with friends thus freeing up a bit of my time.
So I started to think about myself. I remember one of the first things I conquered was the belief that putting some focus on myself was NOT selfish, it was strength building. And my authenticity grew from there. I never concerned myself with growing old…it’s all frivolous & free of substance.
HOWEVER, I will 100% agree with you Kim, about reaching that age & really believing that the grass is always greener. There is an itch at that time. Maybe we’re afraid of complatency, of settling, & coincidentally that’s when hubby is developing a gut. What? Him & his beer fridge & sports playoffs & ever demanding job are suppose to keep me happy for the next 30 years? Barf.
Then all of a sudden, the kids are moving on & that hump has settled down (not necessarily the gut, but I don’t shave my legs if I don’t have to…) & we’re actually, errr……comfortable. My Ewww has turned to Ahhhhh.
You made it through with grace!! I was not so graceful!
I’m not sure how much grace was in there, but thanks for the compliment. I think it was just a solid mixture of fight, stubborness & fear of losing everything if I left. Dave & I have a strong stone foundation & I have absolutely no idea where it came from. I think that’s what kept me here.
I love your writing & stories. Thanks for the entertainment!