For two years, Margaret attended my writing classes. She always sat near the front, and she always took copious notes. No, she never wrote a word for publication. She was too busy making a list of any and all mistakes I made in my presentation and discussion. Her favorite comment was, “You misused whom again!” Margaret, are you out there? This column is for you.
As my linguist son reminds me, language is always evolving. And now, according to Hallmark, whom is on the fast track out. As in no longer necessary. Caput. On October 20, the Hallmark Channel will premiere the movie “I Married Who?” Yep, it does sound a bit stilted, but what about “I Married Whom?”
Undoubtedly, some people will be sorry to see whom go, but most of us won’t miss it one bit. Not even we word people. I mean, has anyone ever texted “She is the one to whom I gave the check”? Not only does it sound terribly stuffy and affected, but it would undoubtedly cause thumb cramps.
Anyway, fewer and fewer people have any idea of when to use whom. Here’s the rule:
Use “who” for the subject of a sentence or a clause; that is, the one “who” takes the action (“Who drives you crazy?”)
Use whom when it is the object of a sentence or clause; that is, the one who receives the action (“Whom do you drive crazy?”)
Got that? No?
Then yay for Hallmark. But do watch out for Margaret!
“Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.”
Earnest Hemmingway
Hi Darcy - thanks for opening my eyes...I don't want to revisit that place. It's the old adage "you need someone." I am not ready to date yet but feel compelled to start looking because it is what I "should" do. Every time I do meet someone, I back o
Hello old lady2,and JKL..... my location is 1/4 mile out of Sun River Oregon, Bend is the town. It is a ski, area in the winter, which may or may not be a down side. There are many older people that cross country, ski, and snowmobile. In the win
Loved your poem and will share with my yoga class tonight!
So, what I hear you saying is that this is unacceptable. Be clear and sure. You are not o.k. with this. If he wants this relationship (with you), he has to take down his profile and just be with you---it's always a risk on both sides. Thanks for fill
Marcia,
Thanks for your insightful comments. The only thing I would say is that I did not meet him on a dating site.
I met him on a holiday - face to face - in the company of friends. We spent two full weeks together all day every day, travelli
I use to paddle with a young girl who couldn’t roll her kayak to save her life, but was quick to tell others how. I finally told her that I didn’t care if she rolled it or not, but that anyone could talk about stuff instead of doing it. I don’t know about Margaret, but I think people are armchair quarter backs and armchair writers because they’re scared of doing and failing, so they don’t do it at all. I have alot more respect for people who try and fall short than someone who doesn’t try at all. The most successful people are the ones who are willing to take a risk and be silly, look funny, and even make mistakes and be wrong. As for writing, thank you God in heaven for everyone who has ever edited on my behalf.
Well said. We will always have critics. If we become too afraid of criticism, we will crawl into a hole and do nothing, and we will be the greatest losers.
As a former teacher, I had a few “gotcha” students in class. The Margarets of the world are out there waiting for people to slip up. But as Watermusic so eloquently states, “the most successful people are the ones who are willing to take a risk and be silly, look funny, and even make mistakes and be wrong.”
I’ve made my peace with “gotcha” people long ago. When they pounce, and they do, I simply smile, nod and say, “Noted.”
Yep, that’s exactly what I did with Margaret. Still, it mades me second guess myself. But then, that’s the point of “gocha,” isn’t it?
I teach third grade and make mistakes. I acknowledge my mistakes and we make a joke of it because I want my students to know that making mistakes is normal. If you’re making mistakes you’re learning.
Yes, and it gives the kids permission to own and learn from their own mistakes. Maybe the best lesson we can teach them!
I wish you’d been my third grade teacher. The one I had used to terrorize us. I was literally afraid to go to school. I’m 63 now and still making mistakes … guess that means I’m still learning!
Never second guess yourself!
I am not sorry to see the whom and who debate end. As far as Margaret, we have all met them and Who do they think they are?
So true, Haralee, on both counts!
I’m sorry to vent, but this is a huge pet-peeve of mine. So often there is someone on the job or out in public who primary focus in on what’s wrong with me.
I’m not sure what is going on these people’s lives that require it their life’s mission to point out others imperfections. I want to hold up a mirror to them or hand them a business card from a therapist.
I can’t help but wonder if these people are just too weak to make changes in their own imperfect lives and find it empowering to point out others imperfections.
They should have a tattoo (a skull and cross) on their foreheads that lets people know beforehand how toxic they are.
Sorry, as you can see I’ve dealt with my share of these types of people causing drama and damage in both my career and personal life over the years.
All the best….
Yep, they are toxic people for sure. And yes, they’ve got a problem, but nothing we say or do will change it. Better–as much as possible–to keep our distance. Woe to anyone married to one!
I hate those nagging critical voices too whether they are inside my own head or coming from an obvious idiot on the outside! The drama creators I call them and yes they are toxic people, especially that creepy internal critic!
But, what I have learned albeit the hard way is that those pesky nags can’t show up in my experience unless there is something going on in me that attracts them to me. I have begun to realize that when they do show up it is for a reason. Now when this occurs I smile and say” thank you for bringing this to my attention”. Then I am able to reflect on what it is in me that is out of balance and allowed them into my awareness.
Interesting perspective, Trish. Certainly worth considering.
Interesting is right.
Trisha,
Tell me how you would react to someone going around telling your co-workers you are pregnant because you eat crackers.
How about a co-worker who insists on going into your office cube and moving your computer from the left side of your desk to the right side of your desk because when she held the position previously, she believes it needs to be on the right side.
And lastly is the one who didn’t believe my hair to be naturally curly and was determined to prove it. She complained to my boss I was spending to much time touching my hair when I worked. (I pulled it up when I was really busy and let it down for meetings)
Don’t get me wrong, if it were just in passing I could have laughed about it, but these weird behaviors by co-worker went on for months and one for years. They were unnerving, boarding on scary.
In my defense, wish I was pregnant as I am unable to have children, then for a year I moved my computer back every morning understanding she couldn’t comprehend that she was left handed and I was right handed, but I drew the line to having to explain my genitics-heritage with family pictures to this woman.
I can only trust you haven’t really experienced a “stalker” type person obsessed with you.
God that felt good to get off my (yes it is a rather large) chest….
The quotation correctly is “…never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.” This is from John Donne’s “Meditation 17;” the title of the Hemingway novel For Whom the Bell Tolls is an allusion to that line.
Absolutely right. I’m quoting Hemmingway…
I have to admit that I used to read the dictionary as a kid and I think diagramming sentences is FUN. I also admit that I bite my tongue frequently to avoid embarassing myself or others by correcting them (the exceptions being my children and my SO) I am also afflicted with proofreader’s syndrome. You know what I mean: I can be reading an article or a book or something online and the ONLY thing I see is the typo or the grammatical error.
Having said all that I wonder if any of it really matters as long as we are communicating.
However, I mourn the fact that we can now end our sentences with prepositions…. (Laughing at myself as I write this! One of my mantras is: If everyone does exactly what I tell them to do, life will go much more smoothly)
Hey, yeah, I loved diagraming sentences! Too bad they don’t teach that any more.
I love the word whom, and would be sorry to see its demise. However, more offensive is that people don’t know when to use “me” instead of “I.” The most common mistake I’ve heard is “between you and I.” The people who make this common error would never say, “between we,” but we means you and I. They say, “between us,” but they also say, “between you and I” when they mean “between you and me.” It bugs me every time I hear it.
When I was a teen, my best friend and I laughed like maniacs at The Doors’ hit, “Touch Me,” because of the lyric, “till the stars fall from the sky for you and I (we also hated the horns).” We pointed at the record player, screeching, “Poetic license!!” because we’d just studied it in our English class. No, I probably wouldn’t use “whom” in a text message, but texting lends itself to shortcuts. Speech is another matter altogether.
For those of us for whom the bell tolls, my favourite is “Y’all” and here in Canada we have, gratingly adopted, “You’se Guys”, that together with “you got any ” is just enough to find the Gravol. Whom is little when put on a scale. So, you’se guys’ that’s it from my, I don’t got any more repugnant than that.
Jeez, I don’t want to be a leper here, but I will miss the word “whom.” I have never played gotcha with anyone, even though I have worked as an editor. As a writer, I always tried to place whom in the right place.
I never thought of abusing someone who doesn’t use the word correctly, but I will mourn the loss of the word. Like Zyxmomma I think the mis-use of “me” and “I” is a little more distressing, but once again I don’t go around making a federal case about it.
I just wish our language was used a little more carefully. And Lord, I wish people knew how to use commas! End of rant!
Lynn
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one left who knows how to use semicolons. A dearly departed friend (another writer), to whom I’d written a letter from Brazil, waxed rhapsodic about my perfect punctuation. In case you’re wondering, he liked the content of the letter as well.
What gets me is the punctuation errors. Aren’t we old fuddy-duddys?
When I was at school, the languages department offered Russian as ‘the world’s richest natural source of grammar’. At the very least I think we all need to learn one inflected language!
It is pitifult that so few Americans have any second language at all.
No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend’s were.
Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
John Donne
I’m posting this because it is how I feel about Vibrant Nation – we are all connected, and one person’s hurt affects everyone. I hope misuse of apostrophes may be the worst of our problems.
Good point. Especially right now before this most devisive election. We would all do well to pause, take a deep breath, and consider this.
Thanks for your post. I try so hard to be light hearted and witty, but it does sometimes come across as ‘helping’. Good luck with choosing your leader – I did hear a Romney campaigner say, on radio this morning, that, ‘if you don’t have money, you don’t have a voice’. Something for a democratic nation to be aware of. And for us as the part of the population more likely to be poor.
Thank you for your comments. That is indeed something for a democratic nation to be aware of… and to fear.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01nphnv. I think this is the link to that programme, which is generally quite even- handed between the parties. This is what we are hearing across the pond.