For many couples, talking about death is difficult. Nobody likes to think about dying. It’s scary to think the person you’re growing old with will no longer be around someday.
Recently my husband said, “I can’t imagine my life without you. That’s why I’m going to die first.” Of course, his comment shocked me and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Trying to lighten the mood, I said, “No–I need to go first because I know you will be able to re-group a whole lot better than I would.” Then, jokingly, I suggested we die together.
That brief conversation got me to do some serious thinking. How would I cope emotionally and financially should my husband pass away before me?
Preparing your finances for your death is a topic many don’t want to talk about. Death is inevitable, however, and if you don’t take the time to plan, your wishes (and your family’s financial security) could be at risk.
Here are some tips I found, which I hope will be as helpful to you as they are to me:
1) Creating a living will and name an executor.
2) Discuss your finances with your spouse and make sure you know account numbers, passwords, billing arrangements and insurance information.
3) Talk about about funeral arrangements and find out if your spouse wants a coffin or prefers cremation.
4) List insurance and medical policy numbers, investment and other financial account numbers, along with passwords, social security information, and login data for websites.
5) Make a rough draft of your monthly budget, factoring in living expenses and income.
Getting your house in order while you’re both still alive will save the surviving spouse (and other family members) a lot of frustration and paperwork during the grieving process.
Consult a divorce attorney and have them calculate exactly what your position post divorce would be. If you are willing to accept a smaller home by forcing the sale of the existing one, would that work? Surely better to get him out of your hair. D
Thank you, Mimi. That's where I find my Mom now, too - in my heart. Her good advice is always there. It sounds like your Mom had words of wisdom that we all could use. Thanks again.
I don't have any advice but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone...I am in a very similar situation in regards to my financial future..I haven't filed for divorce yet but I have consulted with several lawyers..I seem to be in the same bo
I think words are really important when you are trying to understand the how and why of this situation. Making "blanket" statements like and using words like "pity" and even "love" require a lot of subjective interpretation.
Maybe breaking it down
Great tips Beverly! I would also like to mention if there are things you want to go to certain people to put in writing. It doesn’t need to be in your will but a clear signed and dated list of who gets what. Also an obit. I had a friend who knew she was dying and wrote her own. She died of lung cancer and never smoked a day of her life or lived with any smokers and wanted that in her obit. She also was 44 which she wanted in her obit, “Kind of Young, don’t you think”.
Not all of us are going to be this organized but it is something to think about. Thanks for starting the conversation.
Haralee,
It’s a HARD conversation to have but it would be in everyone’s best interest to do it. Also, I love the idea of writing your own obit! Thanks for commenting.
To be honest with everyone, I don’t know if I could go on without my husband. He is my best friend and my only family. We have talked about it. I told him I was not sure if I could live after he died. I would never want to go back to the dating game. Frankly, dating sucks. I can not audition for anyone nor can I audition another life partner. He told me I must live if something ever happened to him. Older women are not valued in the way they should be. I don’t know what I would do.
AprilC,
I feel the SAME way. I truly love my husband and I can’t imagine my life without him. When my dad passed away, I thought my mother would fall completely apart but she kept going somehow. I think having supportive people around you helps A LOT.
Beverly,
When I was a very young woman and before I married, I noticed that many women whose husbands had died stayed single and never remarried. I now understand why. If you were happy, who can replace that person. If you were unhappy, you never want to get married again because you would not want to get into that experience again. My husband says he will have to stay around because of me! Life is not easy. I envy people that have decent, reasonable families. I am not fortunate in that way. I just turned 54 and I’m wondering if and when I should take out some long term care insurance. Being elderly can make you extremely vulnerable – even with family.
AprilC,
I hope you’re not thinking 54 is pushing towards elderly because I’ll be 55 in June
Personally, I think people stayed single back in the day because of how society viewed women. I don’t think its that way anymore. I certainly don’t want to get back on the dating scene again but I will certainly appreciate having support around should my husband pass away before me.
Well Bev 54 is not 24! And in the eyes of society, it’s closer to senior citizenship than middle age! And I’m not sure when you should get elder care insurance. They offer it on my job. And unfortunately, a woman is seen as old at 54. Sexism is a poison we all have to deal with.
Men will remarry because its very difficult for a man to be without a woman after being in a long term relationship or marriage – I have seen this time and time again! Women are a little more comfortable with their solitude and alone time.
My husband insists he won’t live past 80 – doesn’t want to be that old. Given the longevity in his family, he may have to eat those words.
I have a friend who serves on the Board for http://www.gowish.org — this is a “game” developed by a physician who was tired of families not telling each other about their end of life / quality of life wishes. It can be played online for free, or you can order the cards. The cards come in 2 sets–one set for each person. You sort the cards into piles for “very important” “somewhat important” or “not important” and each card deals with an issue related to end of life care. You compare notes, and find out more about one another. I played it with my mother and many of her responses really surprised me. Anyway, talking about death of a spouse reminds me of the physical issues and decisions that go with it.
On a lighter note, I made up a notebook for my husband, with a copy of all of our accounts, and wrote the login/password info on the pages in case I go first. I only update every year or so, but it makes me feel better that, even if he falls apart, he can hand off that notebook to someone else who can get into all of our stuff.
These are excellent suggestions and ones we definitely need to take time for.
As for the part about wanting a coffin or cremation, I discovered that one can have both. I’ve been to many services where the coffin was present for visiting hours and the service, and the person was cremated afterward. It turns out that cremation coffins are less expensive because they don’t have the metal handles and trim that coffins usually have.
I love your suggestions about passwords and even website login data. That’s something most of us would probably not think to do. And making the budget is a much-needed item that we don’t like to think of but friends I know increased their life insurance after doing it.
Thanks, Beverly!
Hi Beverly,
Your message was a very needed and important one to be heard! I reflect upon my late mother learning of her terminal cancer diagnosis. She was always a very proud woman, and one keeping her personal and financial affairs private, even to her two daughters.
My younger sister, who was deemed Executor of the Estate, and lived in the same city as our late mother, attempted so often to learn of our mother’s wishes regarding financial matters; our mother’s burial desires. She remained close-lipped to the very end of her life. In retrospect, in my late mother’s time, it wasn’t considered ” ladylike” to discuss certain matters, however, family members left with arranging the care of a dying loved one, and carrying out whatever their wants are must be aware of the necessary documents of their dying loved one.
Admittedly, on my recent 60th birthday, I reflected upon my need to get a Living Will, and other documentation together in the case of my untimely death. Thank you so very much Beverly for addressing this delicate matter that too few of us ever really want to discuss!
Thank you for bringing this up! I have been widowed for a little over 11 years, and am assembling a handbook/binder with all of my wishes and account information in it.
I am currently updating my will and POAs, as well as reassessing the whole residence/financial/health care picture – it is a lot of work, but I’ll be glad later that I have done this work while I am still healthy and active.
Fortunately, here in the ‘east of Seattle’ area, there are great seminars (ElderMove Alliance) available to give us information and options in making these choices!
Great post, Beverly — an important and necessary topic.
Anyone over 50 who doesn’t have a will should drop everything and make one RIGHT NOW, while you are healthy and clear-headed. Tommiez, you have the right idea, and yes, it’s a lot of work – certainly an expense if you want a lawyer to help you – but it must be done.
I have to smile when I think of my family finding a list of user names and passwords. Scarcely a decade ago when my parents died there was no need to go on line to find out what their assets or their wishes were, but it’s a new world and the Web has turned us around.
There are the bank accounts and brokerage accounts that husbands and kids will naturally want to check, but there are also sites for posting ethical wills, life histories, video goodbyes, even stuff like preparing death masks and revealing dark secrets (“Dear Emily, I had a law degree but couldn’t pass the bar exam.” “Dear Charlie, your brother is actually your nephew.”).
And what about your Facebook /LinkedIn / Twitter / Vibrant Nation accounts??!!