“Sam, you have to help me!” I cried into the phone.
“What is it babe, try and calm down and tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t get it , I’ve become the “QUEEN OF ONE DATE.” Yep I gave myself a new title, “Jewish Princess” was out. Although I liked the promotion to Queen, the rest of it sucked.
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, I think that kind of sums it up. I never get asked on a second date. One date and I’m out. I don’t get it, no one calls again. Why? What should I do? Or what can I do?”
“Don’t talk,” he responded without hesitation.
“Huh?” Was he talking to me or about me?
“Don’t talk when you go out with these men. Just listen.”
“Huh?”
“Let the guy talk his brains out, don’t compete with him.”
“I don’t get it, just sit there like a lump?”
“Just sit there and smile. Or ask a question.”
“Huh?”
“Ask a question about him. Men like soft and sweet.”
“Excuse me?” I think all the blood was rushing dangerously to my head.
“Gail, you don’t get it.” He was right I was faint and didn’t get it.
“What about a conversation?” I whispered as I began to lose consciousness.
“Men have competition all day in business and don’t want it with a woman during down time.”
“Is a conversation competition?”
“See how you are? You’re challenging me and I’m giving you advice.” He was serious. I stepped out onto the patio for air.
“So we’re talking about an evening where I’m just smiling and asking my date questions about himself? There’s no conversation where two people equally exchange thoughts. Is that what you’re saying?”
“That’s what I’m saying honey.”
“And if I do that I’ll get to go on a second date?”
“That’s right.”
“Well, thanks for the advice.”
“Let me know how it goes.”
I laid down on the patio in order not to faint. As I stared up at the dark sky I realized I couldn’t follow Sam’s advice. Could he really be right? I had to chose a vow of smiling silence or forever maintain my title of “Queen of One Date?”
I decided to stop dating.
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Gail, your male friend IS on to something, but not in the way that we 1st think. I have finally become somewhat successful with the internet dating thing and have met a few men. Well, let me tell you! If you just let them talk, they will tell you EVERYTHING you need to know in a few dates. You will be able to tell whether they are good enough to be in your company or not. One man told me so much, ie cheated on 2 wives, was able to have a “friends-with-fringe-benefits” relationship, that I wrote him off right away! And he was supposed to be in the church! Anyways, I say that there is a plus side to allowing the man to do all the talking ’cause they TELL on themselves and tell you everything you need to know.
And as an aside to this, I have met a wonderful man that I have a great date set up for tomorrow. I will practice letting him doing most of the talking and see what happens. I’ll keep everyone posted. This is date number 3, if you include our meet-n-greet.
You go Sunflower – date 3 and counting! Please be sure and keep us posted. I agree men can’t keep their mouths shut especially about their transgressions….they blab, blab, blab. I think they want to be forgiven or that everyone is their mother and will naturally forgive them no matter what they do. Question: Who are they on a date with : you, mom, ex wife? Sometimes you just know it’s not you.
I am so glad I came across this post. I have been divorced for years after a 21-year marriage. I’ve been afraid to date because, by nature, I am very shy and quiet, I’d rather listen than talk. I thought a man would be bored with me but now I see that my personality might be the key to finding a partner. Thanks for all the advice!
Well according to all the advice you would be the Queen of many many dates. Don’t be afraid, it sounds like the dating world is yours for the taking!
Tas
Tas said to gail maria 3 days ago new! Edit for another minutes
Good morning Gail:
Great blog. Comparing Healthcare to cheaters is pretty darn brilliant. Well, I have my opinion about your blog. Men and women who cheat do it because most of them are narcissistic; nothing to do with how hot their partner is. It’s been clear to me for years that beautiful women and the men who cheat on them have nothing to do with their beauty. A cheater is a cheater.
Not all men cheat. I’ve had many wonderful boyfriends and husbands (lol) that don’t cheat. They didn’t cheat on me, they aren’t cheating on their current girlfriends and wives. How do I know that, they are all still good friends of mine. I’m nothing special, I choose men who don’t cheat. These men have other issues, but I can deal with human challenges ..not liars
Normal women like us can not compare ourselves with Sandra Bullock. She’s a woman, but her life is so different then the average women except when we discuss cheating. That’s the common link. We don’t know what’s she really like…except what she wants us to think about her. She appears kind, charming and like a woman most of us would like as a friend. But we really don’t know that do we…maybe she’s cheater? Maybe she is controlling maybe she isn’t someone easy to love…I’m not saying cheating is okay but we don’t know their story. No one really knows what goes on behind close doors.
I think women need to take time to get to know a man. Don’t rush into Lovehood just because the sex is good (been there done that) and he takes you out to dinner a few times with roses. We must be willing to be alone first and foremost. We must love ourselves and think about the kind of life we want to live without a man, and with a man. Society puts so much pressure on us especially in marketing. Such BS
I screened men carefully on both Match.com and on dates. I payed attention to what they wrote/discussed, what kinds of questions they asked me, did they read my profile/do they listen, did they ask me about my children, what I do for fun, why I love film, music, family and friends. I wanted to see if they were screening me too. What a thought? They should be careful too. I wanted a man to be looking for someone with the same moral fiber. Just because a man says he wants to get married, wants to be in a relationship…doesn’t mean he knows how.
Be careful for the hot sexy guy…. I love hot sexy men and hot sex; and still have it with my boyfriend after 4 years. Hey, don’t laugh that’s a great thing because he’s just about 60 years old!! YAHOO
Either on the first date or second date I would ask “so what went wrong with the marriage or the last relationship”. I would say it in a way that they didn’t feel drilled. This is WOULD NOT BE MY FIRST QUESTION. I would ask lots of non challenging and non intimading questions first. Most men feel women DRILL them during their dates. Meaning, do you want to get married again, do you want more children, do you cheat, do you make a lot of money…men hate those questions. Ask them about hobbies, about their children, their vaction, their life, their work, what they love and why?
I’m not kidding, 99% of the men that answered my question about what caused the breakup…the ANSWER was exactly why I stopped dating them or what ruined our relationship eventually. NOT KIDDING. I met Joe the Biker (sexy) years ago. During our dating he mentioned his wife used to get mad at him when he went on biking trips with the guys. He really felt sufficated. He said he really loved me for allowing him to have his BOY TIME. Guess what, a year later his BOY TIME was at least two weekends a month, and he would NOT CALL WHILE AWAY. DUH…no wonder his wife hated him and got angry. Why would he treat me different?
Women don’t listen to what men talk about. A smart author once wrote, listen to what a man says on a date. You should know in 15 minutes if you want to go on a second date. Also, many women love BAD BOYS. I’m telling you even my girlfriends in the 50′s and 60′s still love the hot sexy, smell good, feel good guys. I have a friend who loves this guy that still at 66 years old loves to go to strip bars with his colleages. Okay, that’s his choice but she doesn’t like it. So now she’s trying to tell him what to do at 66 years old. He’s not going to change. She needs to accept it or move on.
I’m living with the man I’m marrying on April 17th of this year. Is he perfect, no. I’m I, certainly NOT. But we share big hearts, we love family, we love having a home together, we are both kind and thoughtful, we both know cheating is wrong and the damage that it can do. We don’t want to be without eachother, and we both know that cheating for a minute is destructive. We are invested in the long term. I wish I would have met him years ago. But I had to go through two divorces, date a ONE pathological liar, date peter pan, date hot sexy men without an end point to learn that I deserve more. LOL
I don’t regret a moment of my past with me…it’s led me right where I need to be. Happy with me ….I have challenges in my life….my life isn’t perfect. I trust my intuition. That’s the key. If your gut says this guy is great, keep dating him. Give yourself rules, timelines in relationships. If you are looking for a nice man, talk with his friends, colleagues, children, ex-partners….you’ll find out. Listen, don’t ignore what you hear…liars have shady pasts, liars have a lot of destruction behind them don’t rule that out. Cheaters don’t just lie to you and their partners they lie to others. Be smart, look, listen, ask questions (not too obvious), observe…even if you are attracted and having the BEST SEX ever …still watch for the signs until your intuition rules..good or bad. You’ll know, women are smart…make a good business deal when picking a man.
Ciao my friend…I would love to hear back from you
Tamara
Thanks for re-posting this, as it makes so much sense. Except as I’ve mentioned because of a problem I’m having….I think there has to be some chemistry, don’t you? I’m not talking the young hottie or hot bad bad boy just some decent chemistry. It’s nice to feel like you want to hold someone’s hand or cuddle up and ultimately have sex with them. I don’t feel that way about the nice nice man I’m dating. I don’t think regardless of his other attributes this can last – it would only breed resentment.
What’s your feeling about that?
Not from Tas, but had to reply about the chemistry gig. Yes, Yes, and YES! My guy may be younger than I and we have Harley’s and a Mustang Bullit, but when our eyes first met and I pointed him out to my girlfriend having drinks with me, she said, “You mean the short, bald guy?” I looked at her like she was nuts and replied, “No, the one with the great smile and incredible blue eyes.” There was an undeniable chemistry and I had to restrain myself not to rush things toward the bedroom. Then one night, after we were seeing each other for a couple of weeks, he was having dinner at my house with my girlfriend and her longtime boyfriend. I had two dogs, she has two boys and her man had a boy and girl. All the kids were pretty young. She and I were in the kitchen when I realized my date was totally surrounded by all the kids and my dogs. The kids had their arms around him and were laughing and joking like they’d known him all of their young lives. I knew then and there, not only was I going to bed that man that night, but I was going to marry him. Dogs and kids. Pure spirits that know the real thing, and thank goddess, so did I. Don’t settle. zsa zsa
Well that gives me hope and confirms my thinking that there has to be a spark. Oh how I remember that feeling of chemistry – it’s so incrredible and I know I can’t settle for a no chemistry relationship. I hope I feel it again. It’s got to be out there somewhere. I’m so glad you have that good chemistry feeling.
Gail, I’m a native NY’r who’s lived in MA for the last 30 yrs; ya can take the girl outta NY but ya can’t take NY outta the girl! Hahaha One of my best friends is a Texan…she has had her share on one daters too. She posseses those wonderful southern charms and is an amazing authentic woman.
I agree with Joan Price…Having a date isn’t as important as being authentic!! The second date just isn’t worth my time if I can’t be me on the first one. I have noticed the older the man I date, the more likely we have only one date. I prefer younger men myself, at 53 the oldest I have dated lately is 43. Depending on how they percieve who women “should” be all goes well.
My own person quote I came up with a few years ago is: “You’re not being who you are, when you’re being who you’re with!” Authenticity and integrity are key choices in my life. No decisions, “CHOICE” -no regrets!
Don’t give up on dating (yourself), go out, have fun til the right one comes along!
Here’s what I think about Southern women – they have it ‘goin” on when i comes to men. They speak in the pronoun “we” as opposed to “i” and men love it. One of my clients “caught” the most wanted bachelors in Chicago – she is southern and lovely and says’ “we” all the time. ”we, we, we, we”…and it worked. There is no “I” in “we”, is there. Uh oh and then again you get the guy. I agree about authenticity – sooner or later the real you comes out and why play games? And you can never take the new yorker out of the new yorker no matter where you live.
So funny! I’ve posted before that my mental therapist daughter told me to “just listen” She thinks Mom talks a little too much. It was good advice. I’ve had 6th date last night with guy I met online! we’re having a great time and I told him on our first date about my daughters advice. His reply could not have been better at the end if the evening. He said,”you listen quite well”. Actually, made those little “butterflies” come alive. Sweet guy, fun times! Maybe there’s something to this listening thing!!
I think there is something to it although you also must talk or the imbalance will prevail. Then when you finally start talking he’ll be “hey what’s going on here?” But happy you found a nice man, especially on-line.