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I had a fantasy about climbing Mt. Everest. I know I hate the cold, detest the sight of snow , and have a fear of heights but I could still dream.
"Chirp, chiiiiirrrrp, CHIRRRRRPP !" Holy crap, what was going on? I bolted up in bed and wildly looked around the room for a bird that must be loose. I checked the clock, it was 3:02 a.m. My first instinct was to burst into tears and my second was to keep crying but that wouldn't stop the incessant chirping. Did I need a net or a gun? Having neither I summoned my trusty yellow lab to go hunting with me, after all he's a bird dog and we had work to do. I wondered if boxer shorts and a t-shirt were proper attire. Down the stairs we schlepped trying to find the source of the shrill hideous noise. I'm cursing, the dog's half asleep and not on the scent. "Elliot, where's the bird, get him boy, go hunt."
He laid down and fell asleep in the living room while I stood there trying to track the chirp. It was directly over my head , but it wasn't flying, it was a round white object - the smoke detector. Crap. The battery must have been low, but I was much lower, approx. 10 feet. I stared up at it with venom in my eyes. I had to stop it or be driven stark raving mad.
Chirp, chirp, chirp! "Shut up", I screamed for no reason other than it made me feel proactive. There was no ladder so I had to make do with a chair. I scaled the chair in my bare feet and reached up.... I was 2'8" away from peace and quiet. Now what? I needed more elevation fast. A fat phone book seemed like a solution. I set the book on the chair and up I went. Curses, I wasn't even close. Two phone books had to do the trick. Nope, I still couldn't reach the freaking thing. Three phone books? I was getting dizzy and my tower of books was shaking but I was closer. Chirp, right in my face as if to taunt my effort. Why wasn't I taller? And then an "ah ha" moment struck me.
I ran upstairs and put on my cute Kate Spade raspberry red 3 inch suede high heels. I knew I'd wear them someday! Fortunately no one saw me in my climbing attire: striped boxer shorts, ratty white v-neck t-shirt and heels. Look away or turn to stone! With trepidation yet determination I scaled the phone books. I had no climbing ropes mind you, or anything stable to hold onto. There I was solo teetering on top of my man made Mt. Everest. I could barely get my hand around the chirping monster and yanked it off the ceiling. Victory was mine and I did it without supplemental oxygen!
I put the detector on the counter and started to trundle back to my warm cozy bed. "Chirp....chiiirp, CHIRP!" I was going insane. How could this be happening? There it sat on the counter with no battery yet still chirping at me. I picked it up and held it in my hand, tears streaming down my face. "Chirp, chirp." Was I in Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart?" I was tired and broken. My only remaining solution was to get it out of the house. I dragged myself out to my car, threw it on the front seat and slammed the door. Silence.
As I trudged back upstairs I realized I had fulfilled my dream of climbing Mt. Everest. Remarkably I did it in my raspberry red Kate Spade high heels.
"Chirp, chiiiiirrrrp, CHIRRRRRPP !" Holy crap, what was going on? I bolted up in bed and wildly looked around the room for a bird that must be loose. I checked the clock, it was 3:02 a.m. My first instinct was to burst into tears and my second was to keep crying but that wouldn't stop the incessant chirping. Did I need a net or a gun? Having neither I summoned my trusty yellow lab to go hunting with me, after all he's a bird dog and we had work to do. I wondered if boxer shorts and a t-shirt were proper attire. Down the stairs we schlepped trying to find the source of the shrill hideous noise. I'm cursing, the dog's half asleep and not on the scent. "Elliot, where's the bird, get him boy, go hunt."
He laid down and fell asleep in the living room while I stood there trying to track the chirp. It was directly over my head , but it wasn't flying, it was a round white object - the smoke detector. Crap. The battery must have been low, but I was much lower, approx. 10 feet. I stared up at it with venom in my eyes. I had to stop it or be driven stark raving mad.
Chirp, chirp, chirp! "Shut up", I screamed for no reason other than it made me feel proactive. There was no ladder so I had to make do with a chair. I scaled the chair in my bare feet and reached up.... I was 2'8" away from peace and quiet. Now what? I needed more elevation fast. A fat phone book seemed like a solution. I set the book on the chair and up I went. Curses, I wasn't even close. Two phone books had to do the trick. Nope, I still couldn't reach the freaking thing. Three phone books? I was getting dizzy and my tower of books was shaking but I was closer. Chirp, right in my face as if to taunt my effort. Why wasn't I taller? And then an "ah ha" moment struck me.
I ran upstairs and put on my cute Kate Spade raspberry red 3 inch suede high heels. I knew I'd wear them someday! Fortunately no one saw me in my climbing attire: striped boxer shorts, ratty white v-neck t-shirt and heels. Look away or turn to stone! With trepidation yet determination I scaled the phone books. I had no climbing ropes mind you, or anything stable to hold onto. There I was solo teetering on top of my man made Mt. Everest. I could barely get my hand around the chirping monster and yanked it off the ceiling. Victory was mine and I did it without supplemental oxygen!
I put the detector on the counter and started to trundle back to my warm cozy bed. "Chirp....chiiirp, CHIRP!" I was going insane. How could this be happening? There it sat on the counter with no battery yet still chirping at me. I picked it up and held it in my hand, tears streaming down my face. "Chirp, chirp." Was I in Edgar Allen Poe's "The Tell Tale Heart?" I was tired and broken. My only remaining solution was to get it out of the house. I dragged myself out to my car, threw it on the front seat and slammed the door. Silence.
As I trudged back upstairs I realized I had fulfilled my dream of climbing Mt. Everest. Remarkably I did it in my raspberry red Kate Spade high heels.
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