Ok, I’ve read the post and comments regarding sex over the age of 60. Truthfully I’m not as horny or interested in sex as some of you but for reasons that have to do with picturing the men I meet without clothes….not a pretty vision, and definitely not a “turn-on.”
There were comments about a woman listening to her body and aging organically/naturally etc. which is all well and good BUT men have been saved from middle age sexual issues by Viagra and Cialis. In my mind this has put the world on “tilt.” We have no hormones and they have little blue pills. This makes 60+ year old men 30 again, while I’m coping with the sexual issues of being my age with no life preserver from the pharmaceutical companies. Like I said “tilt.”
Men and women used to grow old together which kept the playing field level. Each sex having to learn to adjust their sex lives as they age. Not any more! Personally I kind of long for the day when I open the paper and there splashed across the news is “Viagra/Cialis” found to cause chronic heart disease, kidney failure, stroke”….take your pick. I’m sure this would make Mother Nature happy.
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The key here is to begin making some decisions on your own. What is it you want to do? Sounds like you have the insurance thing figured out, are you seeking agreement? concensus? There are no "shoulds" only decisions based on rational/critical 
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
doggiediva - I live in Florida which is a no fault divorce state. Everything that was accumulated during a marriage has to be divvied up 50/50. Unfortunately, he has nothing but the house to offer you. Because of your health situation he may not be e
I agree that ED drugs have left women exactly where they already where, out in the cold. The majic blue pill has no doubt destroyed many a marriage.
But there is an alternative for women, I found it quite innocently and much to my surprise as well. The advancing years in my marriage and age took it’s toll on our sex life, menopause blasted me in the face, literally, and I looked in the mirror one day and did not recognize the person staring back at me. Who is this I thought! Certainly not the vibrant, energetic person I once was.
I’d heard about bio-familiar hormone or natural hormone replacement, and decided that nothing could be worse than what I was going through at the time, so I made the appointment and gave it a try. All I can say is WOW, I feel like a flower that after going without water had begun to wilt, but is now hydrated, perky, and in full bloom again..nothing compares to how wonderful I feel, and the change it’s made in my life was not just physically, but mentally as well. Life is out there, why let it pass us by. It’s our choice.
Tell us more about the bio-familiar hormone replacement. Where , when , how does one find it?
You have to find the right doctor that is willing to prescribe it. I talked to my general physican and she told me I didn’t need to worry about my hormones — WTH? Why shouldn’t I be able to try something that would help me feel better, help with libido, etc. Needless to say, I’m looking for another doctor. Also, Suzanne Somers has written a book on this subject since she takes them and says they helped her tremendously.
Just Google, there should be a doctor (if you live near a metropolitan area) that will be able to help. I talked with my GYN about it, she was not opposed but most mainstream physicians are not willing to advise alternative therapy. My hormone doctor is a Internist, there are blood test to determine your current hormone levels and must be moniored and maintained. My estrogen and testosterone levels were extremely low, natural estrogen and testosterone is implanted in my hip via a tiny pellet that is slow released as the body needs it. I take a natural compounded progesterone replacement daily to balance the estrogen, plus my thyroid was not functioning so I take a compounded thyroid as well. These are not synthetic hormones, they are natural, and function in the same manner that the body produces naturally when we are young. They can not be compared to Premerin or prescribed HRT medications. It’s true that Suzanne Sommers advocates them, but her opinion was not enough, sceptic of hollywood fanatics, yet when I discovered that even Dr. Oz approves, then I had to give it a try. I can not impress what a difference it has made in my life.
Wow. I just had a physical and my doc has all my hormone levels etc. I’ll ask her about it. Dr. Oz huh? Interesting.
Here here to leveling the playing field like it used to be. I’m tipping a glass of Pinot Noir your way toasting the insight.
Just yesterday, my husband brings home a vagrant Viagra and puts it down in front of me like it was the Hope freakin’ diamond. Who gives these away? Apparently, very young men who want to be the first to say they DIDN’T call after experiencing a four hour hard-on, and have one to spare. Let me interject by saying Troy is younger, almost a decade younger, than I, and has no problem whatsoever GettinItUp. He does, however, have a wife with a declining libido. Clueless. My gay friend, Robert, tells me he doesn’t understand my needs because I stay in shape and look so hot. I love Robert. Sometimes I think he’s the only one who understands….
Seriously, hormone replacement? Won’t do it. It’s yet another great joke of the gods but all boils down to the simple fact that men and women were supposed to procreate and we have left that arena and the gods decreed it not so pleasurable anymore, case closed. The fact is, it takes just a little more time to “get me there” and a whole lot more foreplay. It’s THEIR time. MAN THE HELL UP zsa zsa
Who gives those little blue m&ms away? My dear it’s the doctors! It’s like trick or treat. Thanks for the Pinot toast, I needed that. And kudos for the younger man, I need one of those too. I was in a bar with a friend last night looking at all the elder men and of course they were all goo goo and drooling over the women and I’m losing my ability to eat the happy hour appetizers,no less have sex with any of them. It’s a tough tough road to hoe. And again I’m back to , can’t picture them naked, no less after a Viagra.
Zsa Zsa, between you and me I’d rather have the Hope diamond .
LOL, men share their ED drugs like kids swapping baseball cards! I always knew men were shallow but it’s become more evident since I got on the hormones. In my younger years I had plenty of sex drive, and managed to “create” the atmosphere when I felt I needed the attention. Well, that went away, I mean the need for attention, I just went through the motions staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to be done so I could get on back to what I was doing. I couldn’t care less, had no desire one way or the other. But things are changed
I definitely want it now, and I guess it shows, I can’t walk in a room, grocery, restaurant, without a half dozen men turning to look. I’m not especially that good looking in my opinion, but I think men have this secret antenna, or 6th sense, they can smell it, pick it out a half mile away, dogs that they are. And Gail, they don’t care how old you are, you CAN have one of those younger men, they are more than willing to help you out if you’re feeling lonely. You know it’s a great feeling to be the hunter instead of the hunted.
S. Kaye : I’d like to hunt some tasty prey! I think I’ve been focusing on what society calls “age appropriate” men and I’m not happy about huntin’ them. This dog can hunt if there’s something good out there. What kind of hormones are you on? I thought the standard HRT has become a “no no.” Or only advisable for a year,
You’re too funny
Tasty prey indeed!!! If you’re still in the mood to hunt then maybe you don’t need the hormones. Check with your doctor, however most of them don’t suggest estrogen replacement unless your physical symptoms are making you miserable. Your son would be a good one to ask perhaps since he has access to first hand knowledge of therapys. What is his specialty? Anyway, replacement would be dependent on health and history factors. Any increase of estrogen is a possible no-no for some who are pre-disposed to disease. On the other hand it’s the testosterone that increases your interest in sex, like a teenager you feel a surge of uh….vigor 
It also replaces some muscle mass or at least abates the loss. I doubt that I should be giving out medical advice since I’m not a doctor, so check around, you’ll find what you’re looking for. Here is a site that will give you some info. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/50004.php
For all you women out there who feel pressured by your spouse to have instant sex on demand I’d remind him that while he’s got the majic pill to help him out, all you have is HIM!!! I had sex with my husband for years out of obligation, because I thought it was what I was supposed to do, and of course it kept the peace. I hated conflict more than the 3-5 minutes it took to shut him up, and that’s all it took honey, wham bam. Hello!!! He could never take Viagra because it gave him a headache….or at least that was his excuse. I think he was just lazy…no I’m sure he was just lazy, and spoiled.
My favorite trick is when they take the damn drug without telling you and then presto chango expect you to be in the mood and then get all pissy when you’re not. Whoops $10 down the drain. I think a little warning would be helpful don’t you? I got blammed many times for not wanting sex and not knowing lover boy had taken a Viagra and was ready to go go go. Then I was the woman “who never wanted sex.” My blood is boiling remembering those oh so special moments.
Lordy lordy what are we to do?
those pills are very bad for the heart.
I like that. Who knows this? Has it been a headline in the evening news?
I have had the same experience. I got out of 25 year bad marriage was feeling perky and happy and instantly had men checking me out everywhere I went. Even had a 10 year younger man ask me out. Then the process of the divorce started wearing me down, I wasnt as perky and they stopped checking me out. Fascinating. I dont think that men our age are just scenting the sex drive, I think they are scenting the self confidence and carefreeness. There is something about wanting sex, feeling confident about wanting sex that you can not fake and men sense that as part of the whole self confidence thing. Men are not attracted to women who are insecure about their bodies or their stage in life. If you feel old at 50 or 60 they sense that. If you feel vibrant and young they sense that.
OMG I so agree. When my other half takes viagara I feel as though he could hump a horse. It seems that my needs are not important. Foreplay – what’s that? Now he has a hard on and I’m not even in the mood. Great.
The emotional feeling that I get is that it’s the viagara turning him on and I have nothing to do with it. So I have nothing to do with his arousal how exciting do you think that is for me?
Will men continue to be selfish in their desires? The drug they really need is one that would make them understand that if there is foreplay their sexual needs probably would be more than satisfied. Men are selfish when they are only concerned about their sexual happiness. Isn’t it ou turn?
You know what eat’s my grits. When he says “come on baby, I need some help here” I want to run my fist through his face. The bastard never kissed me, other than the occasional peck, in 15 years. Yet he still had the nerve to expect me to satisfy his every need.
Oh you’ve just made me crazy! He doesn’t kiss you?!?!? Send him over here I’ll slug him for you. Are you still married to him? I’m ill, ill, ill. You poor thing, I’m so sorry.
Thanks for the sympathy! I don’t need them any more, nor want them. He had a lot of issues…alcohol for one, then medical (physical) issues as a result. I hate to admit it but yes I am still married to him. After 25 years it’s hard to get out, there’s so much, so many layers to work through. I’ve removed myself emotionally but he has not.
Ah, the choices we make, pitiful isn’t it…note to younger self….never settle for an OK guy, never settle in love period. OMG how did I get here? I’m dizzy and dazed and feel like someone has spun me in circles. Nauseous! No where to run, no shelter from the storm.
Okay, I get it. I’m far from worthy of your sympathy or anybody elses. All I can say is don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.
I have walked a mile in your shoes. believe me I left the 25 year old alcoholic marriage 6 months ago. there was just one too many substance abuse episodes and something just “clicked”. I understand, so many layers, so many things to go through. I emotionallly removed myself 10 years ago when I tried to sneak out of the house after he passed out drunk. I had the car packed, was calling my friend that I was on my way to her house to hide when one of my kids had a nightmare. I looked at that sweet face, it was right before christmas and I thought “I can not take these children away from their home right before christmas”. Then when I told my sister that I was leaving as soon as the kids started back at school she said “you cant leave, you need to protect your kids because they are too young, and if he drives and drinks you will have no control, at least if you stay married you have some control over it”. She was right and I knew it. So, I stayed. Thought I could stay emotionally detached and live with the alcoholic until they graduated from high school. But one day I just could not do it one more day. I have said to myself and friends in the last 10 years multiple times “oh the choices we make”
and the “how did I get here?’ was too painful to process until I after I left, and then I could not get rid of the though.. it haunted me keeping me awake at night. i have worked though that as well. the best description I read on this blog. Tf you put a frog into boiling water it jumps out immediately, but if you put it into cold water and turn up the heat slowly it will stay in the water and die. That is what happened to me, and probably you too.
No one but you can tell you what you should do or judge you. I know I have been there done that, and the time to leave is different for everyone. I was told by a friend when it is time, you know it.
I know for me I had to process my real feelings about who I was, what our marriage really was, get out of the fear of financial security before I could even think about leaving. when I processed all of that I still stayed for about 5-6 months, then one day enough was enough.
I have to tell you the process of divorce is HELL. But the freedom is undescribable. We have children that are not grown and so there is still WAY TOO MUCH interaction, but I am working on setting limits. I feel back in control of my life, back in control of my destiny. I had always said I will never want a relationship again. But I was amazed at my reactions once I left him. Almost instantly I started feeling feeling good about myself (read the blog I wrote above before reading yours). I started seeing old couples at walmart holding hands. I realized that I not only want it Ideserve it. I am not finished with my divorce, I have alot of baggage, I am still “renesting” my house and have no time to even date. But some day I will. And for some reason I know someday i will have someone special, maybe not for the rest of my life, but at some point, I can just feel it. The time is not right now, it might not be right for years, but i know it will. I am vibrant happy (when not bogged down with the divorce process).
good luck to you. I truely know how you feel
There are so many women out there who have endured exactly what you have, having children at home is the worst situation in a marriage that isn’t working. I appreciate your understanding and your comments, more than you know.
I have no friends that I can talk to, use as a sounding board. I can talk and tell them what’s going on, but since they are happy and settled in their relationships it seems as though they don’t want to be involved. And if you don’t take their advice immediately then they shrug you off. We all have a measure of pain, a life that is unfulfilled in some way. I, as you, see couples that seem happy and I look at them and think to myself, are they really happy as they seem, or is it lip service to each other. And the men I’ve talked to,(I have more male friends than female), and no I don’t sleep with them, it’s just that since I was in high school I had more guy friends than girl friends, anyway the men are more understanding, more sympathetic, and seem genuinely concerned for both me an my husband. Wanting it to work out for us. I wish I could have some simblence of hope that it would. I wish that I still loved him in the way that it takes to live out our lives together. My love for him is more of a nurturing nature than it is real couples love. For so many years I’ve taken care of him, his alcholism has ruined our relationship as a married couple. Now I’m his care giver and have been for years. I listen to his antics about his day, we work together as well so we’re together almost 24-7 (another mistake), watch him drown himself in alcohol, feed him, and put him to bed. It’s been like living with an aging parent for 25 years. I complain and I feel guilty for the complaints, so many people have this and worse, but it’s still my life, and it’s my reality, so I complain ….to you.
When I found this blog, by the way it’s my first, I thought how neat, I can talk to people who don’t know me. Huh! What 3 days now and I’ve spilled my life right in front of everybody. It doesn’t matter. It makes a difference in my day. Thanks for letting me know that you understand how hard it is. I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to be stuck in a marriage that doesn’t work, I don’t want a lot of things. I keep this dream in my head that it’s all going to work out. I trust and have faith in God that it will be revealed when the time is ready. And I’ll be able to leave without either one of us having to endure too much pain over it. I have a lot of guilt because I’m the kind of person who believes in sticking to my commitments. I was raised that way, you don’t walk out for no reason. Still, there’s so much more on the table, I’m working on it and waiting for him to get the message, because I’ve let him know in the past 2 years that it’s coming to an end but he’s not ready to own up ot it. More guilt…I feel so guilty about leaving him, and the things I do to keep me sane are not pretty. And for these things I do not feel justified just because he is incapable of being a partner in the marriage. I simply need to have some sort of life…or else I will drown, I can’t stay afloat without support. Thanks for your well wishes.
I am truly moved by both of your responses. I lived with a recovered alcoholic for two years. I had many parties and meetings for his fellow alcoholics. I have to tell you what I have learned and truly believe - nothing works except AA. It is a gift to alcoholics. Is it possible to get your ex husbandsr to meetings for the sake of your children? I cannot conceive of what it would have been like to have lived with my boyfriend if he was drinking. I feel so badly for his deceased wife who lived through those years. I can’t even imagine what she endured. AA is the only path to recovery otherwise it is statistically impossible. I am happy you both have had the courage to gather yourselves together and get a divorce in progress. p.s. Trust me I know what being financially being held hostage is; I’ve walked in those shoes myself and every step is painful.
You both will find and deserve a better future. I am so glad you added to the conversation on this post. It has helped me and I’m sure everyone else who has been following the comments. Thank you!
AA unfortunately did not work for my husband he has been in and out for 22 years. Never stayed sober more than 6 months. I grew up around alanon and AA and it was always my hope that he would manage to stay sober through that wonderful program. I have seen so many try. In fact I was going to suggest to hellotism to go to alanon. i have alot of people who “get it” and understand, and they are all old friends from when I was in alanon. infact they are coming out of the walls to support me, people I have not talked to in years (the grapevine got out that I had finally filed for divorce)
go to alanon even if he does not go to aa you will find the friends, ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, and the total understanding you need. I used to go and made lifetime friends who are coming out of the wood work when they heard through the grapevine that I had finally moved on. PLEASE re read your entire blog I know I have been there for EVERYTHING even the working together, being the nurse maid guilt…ALL OF IT (with the exception of feeling guilty about my actions to keep myself afloat..I never had an affair or did anything else to be ashamed of). However I did EVERYTHING else. let me just tell you it is in the nature of the alcoholic to make you feel guilty. I even told my X multiple times that i was leaving if he did not stay sober. I even have 3 signed documents that he would leave peacefully, but he still cliams I did not warn him. He never will and never would have. that was part of the process i had to go through to know it was time to leave, the realization he would never get sober, the realization that he would never understand that I was leaving and why I was leaving. those were just things I had to give up on. i wanted his feelings to not be hurt. but no matter what i did it was useless. then when he realized i was actually going through with it (he spent the first few months on good behavior trying to win me back) then HELL started. he went nutso, and my life became hell as i tried to stay one step in front of him. however the courts finally won because he broke every court order and now has to go in front of the judge. all of the things he did to try to hurt me, mostly ended up hurting him. funny thing as we go through the court proceedings the thing he through the biggest fit about was me being able to call a alcohol test on him. all i asked was that he stay sober when he has custody of kids which is short periods of time, and has proved in the past he could handle short periods of time.. but he is fighting me tooth and nail on this. i am not giving in…go to know.. keep in touch.. I will respond
It certainly sounds like you gave it your all. That’s the most you can do.
A very moving slice of a sister’s life. But there is a point when the nurturing becomes enabling. It’s obvious to me you feel an irrepressible loyalty to your life’s mate and in that spirit, are you truly doing what’s best for him? It doesn’t look like it’s working out for either of you, because the sad fact is, you’re going to nurture him to death. The only message he’s going to get is a loud and clear, “I am leaving you.” The martyrs of old, with their pitiful pics on holy cards inside my Catholic Mass book, martyred themselves to SAVE people’s lives. If you cannot think on terms of saving your own, perhaps the notion of saving his will inspire and encourage you. My loving thoughts are with you. Boobie hugs, zsa zsa
I am feeling a little in the minority here. I love sex. I mean really love it. I crave it regularly. My guy was experiencing ED and finally went and got the magic little blue pill. Our sex love has returned in all it’s glory. I for one am very grateful for the pill. Yes there were other ways to play and still enjoy sexual activity but he never felt he was’manning up’ as he should. This pill has been a blessing to us.
Well you ‘re not in the minority, I think we all like sex with the right partner. I understand why those pills were developed….for men who truly have erectile dysfunction and it is a blessing for them. I understand that. I just feel for men who don’t and it’s simply the fact that they are unhappy with the natural aging of their body and take one and think “Ah ha, I’m super 30 year old again who cares about anything else”…….well that sucks. I’m happy the two of you are in sync again.
Oh my, and just when men already thought they had enough reason to replace us for younger women. We give them something that gives them more reason – a tiny pill that makes them work like they did in their 30′s.
Are we really surprised that the world thinks of men before it thinks of women? Of course, I work for the organization that discovered Viagra by accident. I guess it’s not like they went out on purpose to find this miracle for men. It just happened while they were trying to figure out how to solve another issue.
In any event, I guess those of us that finally gave up on trying to handle menopause naturally and succumbed to taking hormone therapy to relieve the hot flashes so we could actually sleep again are just as guilty of trying to stave off mother nature.
Still, I appreciate this post…..
CyndiB: I personally do not equate trying to abate hot flashes with men just trying to keep it up longer for the sake of personal machismo. Maybe your organization will one day stumble upon the discovery that Viagra causes sudden heart failure and is only recommended for men with serious e.d. problems as a result of prostate cancer etc. a girl can dream can’t she?