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Posted on Friday, August 06, 2010 by gail maria
"We' running low on fuel and will be landing at Kennedy instead of LaGuardia" the pilot announced. "EXCUSE ME? We're running out of what?!" Shouldn't that be the bubble over the pilot's head and not a public service announcement?
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Posted on Thursday, July 22, 2010 by gail maria
I always take my cell phone out running with me. Why? In case I have a heart attack of course. OMG, it was a nightmare. "I don't deserve this. I gave at the office...well I would have given at the office if I went to an office..."
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Posted on Thursday, July 15, 2010 by gail maria
Everywhere I go and everyone I see has one or more tattoos. It seems very hip and cool to be one of the tattooed generation. Maybe I could convince Mom to join me.
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Posted on Monday, July 12, 2010 by gail maria
I had to face it, not everyone I went out with remembered me. Crap.
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Posted on Tuesday, July 06, 2010 by gail maria
I don't know if I have what it takes to be a "Cougar."
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Posted on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 by gail maria
I don't have a grill which is a long weekend requirement. Even if I did I'd be worried about blowing up the house , myself and my guests.
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Posted on Friday, June 25, 2010 by gail maria
It's summer and every single solitary road I take is under construction! "craaaaap....I mean ommmmm."
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Posted on Monday, June 21, 2010 by gail maria
What did Dad really like? This question plagued me. Then I remembered - he liked to eat cake.
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Posted on Tuesday, June 15, 2010 by gail maria
I should have been a meteorologist. I'm a drama queen with a touch of the morbid.
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Posted on Tuesday, June 08, 2010 by gail maria
Who else misses summer camp!?!? Have a good camp memory?
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Posted on Friday, June 04, 2010 by gail maria
Crap. Bad news on the role model front again. Now all "can a marriage last?" bets are off with the announcement of Al and Tipper seeking a divorce.
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Posted on Monday, May 31, 2010 by gail maria
Finding Ms. Right in Middle Age! I thought it would be fun for women to hear from my holiday guest blogger and friend Dennis... A different perspective and very hopeful
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Posted on Thursday, May 27, 2010 by gail maria
Post Script to "Relationship Deal Makers vs. Breakers. What helps clinch the deal for you? Like the way he kisses or his bank account? What do you like in a date?
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Posted on Tuesday, May 25, 2010 by gail maria
It's easy to bitch and moan about someone's fatal flaw(s). Relationship deal makers are harder.
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Posted on Friday, May 21, 2010 by gail maria
Uh, oh, next Wednesday night at 9:00 CST my TV addled brain will have to go "cold turkey." I might have to go outside and play.
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Posted on Monday, May 17, 2010 by gail maria
I remember the dancing lessons we had to take in 5th grade. The Box Step was the entry level move. I wasn't very good at geometry so forming a box with my feet was confusing.
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Posted on Friday, May 07, 2010 by gail maria
I was never a babysitter growing up. Either I didn't like small children or no one trusted me with theirs. Flash forward 50 years and I'm called to duty!
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Posted on Tuesday, May 04, 2010 by gail maria
"What is wrong with my freaking computer? Work you little monster in a box!"
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Posted on Thursday, April 29, 2010 by gail maria
Why did I move? Maybe I'm not Carrie, maybe I'm Roseanne! And where did I put the emergency Sauvignon Blanc?
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Posted on Friday, April 23, 2010 by gail maria
We stood stone still in our room afraid to move. "We're the only ones back here," I mumbled and couldn't get Norman Bates off of my mind.
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Posted on Tuesday, April 20, 2010 by gail maria
We measured the afternoon in bracelets "how much is this one?" is all either of us said for 5 hours. "$250" was always the response.
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Posted on Saturday, April 17, 2010 by gail maria
I only knew one thing, there was no way I was going to spend 7 hours on the interstate - I had a rash and had to pee!
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Posted on Tuesday, April 13, 2010 by gail maria
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Posted on Tuesday, April 06, 2010 by gail maria
"Mom you were right, never leave the house without full make-up on."
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Posted on Friday, April 02, 2010 by gail maria
Are we addicted to celebrity? The badder they are the better we like it?
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Posted on Thursday, March 25, 2010 by gail maria
"Gail don't talk when you go out with these men, just listen."
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Posted on Friday, March 19, 2010 by gail maria
Hang on there you randy muscle man, what was wrong with Sandra?
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Posted on Friday, March 12, 2010 by gail maria
Growing up it used to drive me crazy, "stand up straight" over and over and over.
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Posted on Sunday, March 07, 2010 by gail maria
Coffee blends continue to confuse me but I usually pick a country I'd like to visit like Columbia, France or Kenya and remind myself that buying the mindbendingly expensive roast is cheaper than a plane ticket, but not much.
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Posted on Monday, March 01, 2010 by gail maria
Trust me when when a brunette walks a room, not one male head turns. I know this because I was the girl with long brown hair who went unnoticed.
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Posted on Monday, February 22, 2010 by gail maria
I've concluded that a demon lives in my laptop. This creatures sole reason for being is to ruin my life.
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Posted on Tuesday, February 16, 2010 by gail maria
I loved the Summer Olympics in China - primarily because of the American men's swim team. I can still picture their upper and lower bodies.
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Posted on Friday, February 12, 2010 by gail maria
Are there two more pressure packed days in the year than February 14th and December 31st?
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Posted on Friday, February 05, 2010 by gail maria
By mistake I glanced in the hall mirror on my way downstairs. I think I briefly lost consciousness before letting out a small shriek.
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Posted on Monday, February 01, 2010 by gail maria
Fortunately no one saw me in my climbing attire: striped boxer shorts, ratty white v-neck t-shirt and heels. Look away or turn to stone!
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Posted on Thursday, January 28, 2010 by gail maria
I have reached a TV watching nadir. Ironically it feels like a "personal best."
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Posted on Friday, January 22, 2010 by gail maria
Women have candles, lotions, potions, and iffy lubricants and men have the pharmaceutical gods.
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Posted on Wednesday, January 20, 2010 by gail maria
Yes, I probably have better things to do than ruminate about A-line skirts and cable knit sweaters but I just had three of my girlfriends from high school visit and it was like we were back in 1966.
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Posted on Monday, January 18, 2010 by gail maria
Apology.
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Posted on Wednesday, January 13, 2010 by gail maria
I have 12 boxes of Captain Crunch and 13 bags of Oreos. I'd be safe, fat, and high.
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Posted on Friday, January 08, 2010 by gail maria
I want a square on the "Walk of Fame" in Palm Springs. I wonder if this takes cash or actual celebrity. I happened to step on Phylis Diller yesterday.
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Posted on Monday, January 04, 2010 by gail maria
It also really scares the bejesus out of me when I'm driving with someone who is searching for a new fun restaurant on their iPhone and steering with their knees.
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Posted on Thursday, December 31, 2009 by gail maria
Is there really such a thing as popularity once you're out of 12th grade? I long for the peace and quiet of 4th grade.
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Posted on Monday, December 28, 2009 by gail maria
I'm pretty sure I said I'd have a colonoscopy in 2009 but didn't. I bought a pair of silver Prada high heels instead.
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Posted on Sunday, December 27, 2009 by gail maria
I forgot what it's like to be "home alone."
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Posted on Monday, December 21, 2009 by gail maria
I was in tears and the dog was licking his lips. He loves chicken, especially my mother's.
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Posted on Wednesday, December 16, 2009 by gail maria
I can't even spell the holiday no less partake! We are a group that can smell "re-gifting" at 50 feet.
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Posted on Saturday, December 12, 2009 by gail maria
As for porn star status or aspirations I'd have to say I'm too close to Social Security to risk a new career.
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Posted on Monday, December 07, 2009 by gail maria
"Hold on there fattie, you're gonna get food." If only I had a chance to say that.
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Posted on Tuesday, December 01, 2009 by gail maria
Anyone want my make-up? I just bought a realy nice new eye shadow by NARS called "Star Violet."
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Posted on Tuesday, November 24, 2009 by gail maria
I'm sorry boys but erectile dysfunction over 50 isn't a medical condition it's called aging.
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Posted on Wednesday, November 18, 2009 by gail maria
I need a Geek Squad Prince Charming to come to my technological rescue.
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Posted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 by gail maria
"Tell your story to the police missie because you're shit faced and I've called them". Hmmmm I wonder how old he thought I was.
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Posted on Thursday, November 05, 2009 by gail maria
"I'll have what she's having!"
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Posted on Saturday, October 31, 2009 by gail maria
I'm sleepless in Chicago!
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Posted on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 by gail maria
"To sleep perchance to dream"...hold on there you wacky Prince of Denmark, if you could fall asleep why can't I"?
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Posted on Friday, October 23, 2009 by gail maria
My glasses couldn't just up and walk away! Glasses can't walk, right?
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Posted on Tuesday, October 20, 2009 by gail maria
Is "you've got mail" the 21st century orgasm?
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Posted on Thursday, October 15, 2009 by gail maria
No one wanted to fix me up no matter how I begged, pleaded, threatened or bribed them.
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Posted on Tuesday, October 13, 2009 by gail maria
Baby Boomers be afraid, be very afraid Madison Avenue is after us and they're getting too close for comfort.
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Posted on Friday, October 09, 2009 by gail maria
Grrrrrrr. I wish I was a Cougar Woman.
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Posted on Tuesday, October 06, 2009 by gail maria
I'd like to see real people get off my TV screen. Eat scorpions, lose weight, find husbands and become models on your own time.
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Posted on Thursday, October 01, 2009 by gail maria
"They just don't make things the way they used to". Who said that? It couldn't have been me.
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Posted on Monday, September 28, 2009 by gail maria
There's been an anthropological switcheroo!
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Posted on Tuesday, September 22, 2009 by gail maria
Your life seems like a good old country western song. I can hear Reba McEntire singing about it now.
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Posted on Friday, September 18, 2009 by gail maria
Women are a legitimate gender and can kick some serious booty!
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Posted on Monday, September 14, 2009 by gail maria
Sadly I probably have more relationship "deal breakers" than years left.
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Posted on Wednesday, September 09, 2009 by gail maria
"What would you do if you found me face down on the bathroom floor"? my 68yr old date asked.
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Posted on Thursday, September 03, 2009 by gail maria
No, no not another holiday weekend! Pressure I can't stand the pressure to use the grill.
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Posted on Monday, August 31, 2009 by gail maria
A. and I were talking about men.....
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Posted on Friday, August 28, 2009 by gail maria
Men should never retire. It's too scary to even think about isn't it?
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Posted on Wednesday, August 26, 2009 by gail maria
Sex, drugs and rock and roll baby, remember?!
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Posted on Thursday, August 20, 2009 by gail maria
Let's face it dating over the age of 55 is a huge freaking bummer. First of all is anyone a "hottie"? No. And don't get all "look who's talking", I'll include myself in the "not a hottie" population.
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Posted on Monday, August 17, 2009 by gail maria
Oh for God's sake, who in their right mind believed a word Michael Vick said on 60 Minutes last night? I didn't believe him for 60 seconds.
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Posted on Wednesday, August 12, 2009 by gail maria
I'd like to meet the person who can sleep through the night with a snorer. My girlfriend told me she crams pillows over her husband's head to muffle the noise. I think a hammer is the better solution. It's clear I'm going to end up alone.
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Posted on Friday, August 07, 2009 by gail maria
I didn't get as far as a dressing room before I dragged my mother by the hand out the door. "MOM, let's go, I hate everything!" I'm not sure she was completely in the car before I pulled away from the curb.
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Posted on Tuesday, August 04, 2009 by gail maria
The table for two we're headed for is really a table for six because the couples on either side of us are six inches away. Why don't we just ask for a red checkered tablecloth and call it a friggin' picnic?
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Posted on Monday, August 03, 2009 by gail maria
I try as hard as I psychologically can to pick up the phone when my Mom calls. She calls a lot. She's 91, so there's always the guilty tug of war with myself when I see her on caller ID. Not again!? She just called 15 minutes ago about needing a manicure. So, it's nothing... But what if it's something? My head is spinning. I'm a Jew. I pick up.
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Posted on Wednesday, July 29, 2009 by gail maria
I have two white blouses that haven't been white since 1998 and whoops, my friend Ellen's University of Wisconsin sweatshirt that I forgot to return in 1973.
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Posted on Thursday, July 23, 2009 by gail maria
If I get another message from one of my "friends" on Facebook, I'm throwing my computer out the window. Sorry little buddies, but I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with you. To say nothing of the fact that I don't know who half of you are. And where were you when I really needed friends.....in high school!
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Posted on Friday, July 17, 2009 by gail maria
The articles are too long. And can anyone really see the print? A lethal combination for someone in a hurry with the attention span of a near sighted gnat.
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Posted on Thursday, July 02, 2009 by gail maria
One day out of the freaking clear blue I was "ma'am". Wham! Pow, right in the kisser, I'm dubbed "ma'am". "You talkin' to me"? I'm not a "ma'am", I' CAN'T BE "MA'AM"!
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