If you have experienced emotional abuse then undoubtedly you are familiar with the struggles associated with it: feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, anger and rage. These feelings are part of the cycle of emotional abuse.
Interestingly abusers often experience these emotions, generally dealing with a history of abuse. They learned from their own family of origin that abuse is an acceptable form of behavior. People who have experienced a history of abuse often seek out partners that they can dominate so they can continue to reenact this pattern of behavior.
That is, we tend to seek out people to treat us the way we feel we deserve to be treated. Sometimes we choose partners that reflect back to us the way we visualize ourselves. If we devalue ourselves then it makes sense, at least unconsciously, to choose a partner who echoes that sentiment.
So how do we break this cycle? How can we find the courage to build our sense of self-worth and recognize our personal gifts, strengths and inner beauty?
Here are some strategies to break the cycle of abuse. It takes time and practice to internalize these methods. You will feel a greater sense of personal empowerment when you stay focused on practicing the behaviors that authentically support you and your sense of well-being. You are worth it!!
Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Abuse
- Avoid contact with your abuser when possible. There might be an ongoing fantasy that the behavior of the abuser can and will change. This is rarely the case. Generally it is best to stay away from whoever it is that is trying to dominate you. If you must spend time together, imagine yourself in a protective cocoon or bubble to avoid listening to the negative messages.
- Take care of your physical and psychological needs. Make them high priority. Eating healthy food, exercising regularly, relaxing or meditating all help improve your feelings of self-worth. The mind-body connection, plays a powerful role in overcoming a difficult past.
- Surround yourself with friends and family that you trust and that support you. Pay attention to the people in your life that really care about your well-being and happiness. These are the people that will help you to retrain your brain to think more positively and lovingly towards yourself.
- Enlist the help of a psychologist, counselor or religious leader who understands the issues surrounding abuse. Getting the help of an unbiased professional lends insight and perspective into understanding the situation. They are also armed with additional resources that might be of value in your situation.
- Make a practice of doing something every day that supports you and your dreams. Create a list of activities that make you feel good. Choose something(s) each day that honors you and brings you feelings of fulfillment.
- Keep a journal. Write down all your thoughts and feelings. This journal can be your vehicle for expressing your pain, sadness, disappointment, anger, etc. It can also serve as a vehicle for channeling your creative energy as in writing poetry, songs, stories, dreams, doodles and reflections. It is also good to keep a separate journal that is devoted expressly for keeping a daily record of whatever you feel grateful for. Gratitude journals have been shown to change the brain in a such a way that we experience happiness and other positive emotions more regularly.
What do you recommend for overcoming the pain from emotional abuse?
Please share any thoughts you have regarding this compelling subject.
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p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
I consider myself an “expert” in the field of verbal (emotional) abuse. Except for 3 years in the army, I lived with that….First as a child and then in a 31-year “marriage.” It wasn’t until I found the book that saved my sanity and life, that I understood what was happening to me: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans…….I feel this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Until we are educated in this terrible “shredding of souls” the recursive cycle will continue.
I wrote a paper for my social work class (Freshman at age 63), entitled: Society’s Hidden “Pandemic”
Verbal Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault….I have submitted it to a journal and the American Counseling Association for their convention. I have been working like a “Trojan” for over 10 years to get the message out there. 1 in 3 women are abused (verbal abuse usually precedes all kinds of violence) and eveery 19 seconds a woman is assaulted. I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group. It is my passion to make a difference in the world.
I interviewed some amazing people for my paper; a doctor who has an NIH grant to get a computer program in every doctor’s ofice in the US to flag women who are being abused, and another doctor who sent me brain images of the brain physically changing after verbal abuse. The first doctor advises the CDC and White House and he said he would be “honored” to read my paper. I was amazed.
Verbal abuse is so insidious that is goes largely unrecognized in society…put-downs, sarcasm, etc…….without knowledge, we are helpless. Bullying at schools is verbal abuse; I think we need a program in all schools to teach respect; if we respect someone we will not abuse them.
After a total of 36 years of abuse, I got a divorce, then my church voted me out of membership. I won a scholarship, because of what I wrote about my life, and have been able to make something positive come from all of the “ashes.”
s offic
Congratulations on your scholarship and your decision to get OUT of an abusive marriage. Sounds like you’ve been channeling that suppressed energy in a magnificent way and making a vital difference in the lives of women. Wow!!
Excellent post, excellent information as always!!!!
Thanks Namaste. Very much appreciate your voice and feedback.
DITTO !!!!
One thing I would recommend for someone overcoming the pain of emotional abuse is to not jump directly into a relationship in the hope that it will some how “rescue” you from the pain or otherwise make it tolerable….take the time to personally heal before drawing another person into your life…..it takes a long time to learn to trust again….and taking that time is a gift to ourselves and everyone else in our life.
That’s so true Sunblossom. I agree that running into another relationship after being in an abusive one is usually not a good idea. Going very slowly is key. It takes time to get to know ourselves again and regain self-esteem. It also takes a long time to get to know another person and sometimes our fantasies run counter to the true experience. Slowing down the dance also allows the budding relationship to become more solid and grounded in reality.
Thank you for this post. It is vital that more people have access to this information because all too often we accept disrespectful behaviour which over time can become increasingly abusive. Unlike bruises which heal over time, emotional scars can effect a person years after the incident took place in all kinds of surprising ways.
It’s also important that people become more mindful of how they treat others. It’s all too easy to blame a difficult day, low blood sugar or PMS (yes, I’m still bleeding), but in the end we’re responsible for how we treat all beings.
Years ago I wrote an article about abuse and yet irony of ironies still ended up being in toxic situations — not just with the men in my life, but also at work and with someone I considered to be a friend who made her living as a counselor. The last few years I’ve been dealing with various health issues which forced me to leave my job; more and more I am convinced that my being ill is in large part due to the abusive relationships I’ve been in, as a child and later as an adult.
I’ve tried many things over the years, including EFT, meditation, prayer, counseling, yoga, Qi Gong and I am currently learning self-hypnosis. Something must be working because for the first time in a long time I am sleeping through the night. I don’t seem to be having the nightmares I used to have! I am also, finally, learning to listen to myself — my intuition, my head and my heart. If something doesn’t feel right, I pay attention and ask questions. For much of my life I was too good at discounting my needs and gave people second, third and more chances.
Another thing I’m learning is not to look for answers outside myself. No one else can truly know what’s best for me or what is really happening in my life. I am reading for pleasure instead of constantly immersing myself in the latest self-help book. I’m also watching more movies, making time to sit by the lake near my home and starting my own business.
From now on no one is allowed in my life unless they’re respectful. Slowly but surely I’m starting to heal and I am grateful.
Dear dancingthedance,
Sorry for not responding sooner. Three weeks ago I had a major surgery and am only now beginning to see the light of day. It sounds to me like you’ve learned some major life lessons. Listening to your inner voice is key to living a fulfilling and authentic life. Choosing to only allow respectful people into your world is critical to affirming your sense of self worth and personal empowerment. Bravo for the decisions you are now making. They will serve you well.
I’m sorry you had to have major surgery.
I’m still in learning mode, and one of these days I hope to graduate from kindergarten. It’s amazing how things can be so obvious (especially when it’s happening in some other person’s life), and yet we get caught up in needless negative nonsense. I remember someone writing that “It’s a sign of maturity when you begin to fall out of love with your own drama.” That’s the kind of person I would like to become.
Thank you for responding, especially with all you’ve got going on. I wish you a speedy recovery.
Thanks for your good wishes. Your working ‘the program’ and it’s a good idea to give yourself credit for that. Seems to me that you are raising your consciousness on a regular basis and becoming more aware of who you really and what you really need. The drama will quiet down when you feel more fulfilled in other ways. Keep listening to your inner voice about the ‘right’ choices and the best path for you – each step of the way. Every day is presenting you with new opportunities.
Thank you for all that you said. It’s very much what I needed to hear.
By the way, if you feel comfortable, I’d be happy to send some Reiki to help you with your recovery.
Take care!
Would love for you to send some Reiki to help with my recovery. Very much appreciated… Thanks for your good wishes.
Hi, I just read that you had a total left hip replacement. I can’t imagine what that must be like.
I’ll definitely send Reiki.
Take care!
I will definitely receive it with all my heart. Thank you…
You’re most welcome. I’ve been off the computer since my last post and just sent some more Reiki… for you, your medical team and everyone else involved.
Take care!
Thanks.. Everyday I am feeling a bit stronger and more steady walking..
You’re welcome. Glad to hear you are recovering. I’ll send more Reiki.
Take care.
No more walker! Walking with a single crutch now and ramping up the exercises in physical therapy. Feels so good to be working my body and feeling some real progress. Also, lots of visualization and affirmations. It’s beginning to come together one day at a time…
Good for you! I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well.