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Finding the Perfect Swimsuit Most Liked Hot Conversation

Let’s start off with the following disclaimer: The title of this post is about as likely to occur as being asked by George Clooney to an all-you-can eat chocolate festival.

Writing a piece about the horrors of swimsuit shopping is about as unique as writing about dieting. And, like dieting, it’s doomed to get really boring.  Dressing room with circus fun house mirror blah blah blah.  Young sales girl who weighs 80 lbs blah blah blah.  Spandex blah blah blah.  More Spandex blah blah blah. Emotional breakdown blah blah blah. Copious ice cream consumption blah blah blah.

Believe it or not, the swimsuit conundrum hasn’t been around since the dawn of time. In classical antiquity, swimming and bathing was done nude. There are Roman murals which show women playing sports and exercising, wearing two-piece suits covering the areas around their breasts and hips, but there is no evidence that they used any kind of clothing for swimming. All classical pictures of swimming show nude swimmers. Everyone cavorted happily.  No one cared what they looked like, since mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

At some point in time, the swimsuit industry was invented and all hell broke loose. This was soon followed by the invention of the mirror, the scale, the department store dressing room, and low carb muffins.   Women have been ashamed of their bodies ever since.  And the hunt has been on for the perfect swimsuit, or failing that, for a swimsuit that has the coverage of a ski suit.

This writer doesn’t understand what all the whining is about. She has absolutely no trouble finding a bathing suit that fits perfectly.  She chooses one specific body part (right breast, left breast, belly, midriff, butt, back), usually on an annually rotating basis, and finds the suit that perfectly accommodates that one body part.  The hell with the rest of the body parts.  They are on their own. They just have to wait until it’s their year.

But, if one is determined to find that perfect swimsuit and if one reads the women’s magazines, especially the ones geared to women who are old enough to remember “How to Stuff A Wild Bikini,” one will most likely describe how vertical stripes, ruffles, Spandex, and reflective metal panels can be strategically placed along a garment the size of a place mat, so as to delude anyone into thinking that one hasn’t spent the last 10 years celebrating the annual Halloween through Easter Gorgefest.

Unfortunately, about the only thing one ends up with by adding stripes, ruffles, Spandex, and strategically placed reflective metal panels on one’s body is turning oneself into a pretty good approximation of a clown car crammed with too many passengers.

So, what’s to be done? Some of you will avoid bathing suit shopping by wearing street clothes to the beach. This can be successful only if the clothing is white and you have an ice cream cart with you.

This writer has considered all options and believes that the best solution is to only frequent nude beaches. After all, the nude beach was invented by a woman who got sick and tired of trying on stupid bathing suits. So, hit the nude beach.  And don’t bring any mirrors along.

Posted in fashion & beauty, Life in the Boomer Lane, Our Blog Circle.

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add your responses

24 Responses

  1. joyful53 joyful53 says

    My plan is to wear three of those suits that promise to instantly make you look ten pounds thinner…all at the same time.

    4 like

  2. Renee Renee says

    This is actually an outstanding suggestion. I’ll take three as well.

    0 like

  3. joyful53 joyful53 says

    If this catches on we should buy stock in Miracle Suit.  Then not only would we look thinner but we’d be richer as their sales triple!

    2 like

  4. Generic Image anonymous says

    Renne, you are the best. Thanks for the tips and photos – scary almost Halloween like. I am looking for nude-beaches.Ha, ha ha… I decided not cover even my top and bottom. What’s the point of that? I thought. On my personal rating scale which is 10 of 10. I am giving you 11 of 10.

    0 like

    • Renee Renee says

      Wow, thanks Vera.  I’ve had a couple interesting adventures on nude beaches, but none of them are what you might think. But if all beaches were nude, we’d never have to worry about swimsuits.

      1 like

  5. Generic Image rosemee says

    Seriously, the best swimsuits I’ve found have 6-7″ legs, a modest cutout back and front, and one of them even has short sleeves. I wore them on a recent Holy Lands tour and had women of our age come up to me to beg me to share where I found them. They look a bit like swim/track suits but come in great patterns and styles. Coverage of our cellulite and dreaded-in-public areas.

    I look for them every time we are in SE Asia. Why doesn’t some clever opportunist bring them to the US and market them in More magazine? They’d sell like crazy.

    I get asked about them everywhere I swim -at home and abroad! Found some here http://www.padillasport.com/products/Jumpsuit/

    1 like

    • Generic Image Peacelilly says

      I truly appreciated your article about trying to find a bathing suit that fits and covers up a little more of what I now don’t want to show.

      I live near the beach and love it.  I’m not ready to give up wearing a swimsuit but you should see the combinations I have come up with this summer.

      I bought one suit and love the bottom as it is like short shorts.  However, the top leaves my breasts exposed on the sides and tends not to be quite long enought to cover my belly wlhich I don’t want anyone to see.  I’ve looked for another top but can’t seem to find one that goes with the bottom in color or fits like I want it too.  I decided to solve this problem yesterday by purchasing a thin tank top which I will wear over the top LOL.

      I have two tank type suits that fit well except I think they are cut a little too high around the legs.  My solution to this is a matching pair of short shorts over the suits.

      I really would prefer one suit that solves all my problems but as you say, they seem impossible to come by.

      0 like

      • Renee Renee says

        Interesting idea, putting something over the swimsuit. Or maybe under. Someone really should start designing unswimsuit swimsuits.

        0 like

    • Generic Image Pat A. says

      I went to their website and looked at their size charts.  Size 14 for a xxxl?  Really?  I was 304 and now 180 not quite there and It doesn’t look like they have anything for those of us who are “almost there”.  Yes they will make it but most people looking for a suit want one now.  Can you give more information for others?

      0 like

    • Renee Renee says

      Interesting that you say that.  There was a company selling swimsuits on QVC the other day.  They looked like tennis dresses but in swimsuit fabric.  They were actually adorable.

      0 like

    • Generic Image Sunshine says

      Wow, thank you so much, Rosemee, for the link to the different sort of bathing suits.  I’ve bookmarked it.
      I do love this site for all the wonderful information that gets shared!

      0 like

  6. Generic Image Pat A. says

    coolibar has swimsuits that are spf safe and cover.  I wouldn’t wear anything else.  I mean who am I really wearing the suit for anyway?  ME  and I don’t need all the sun just to have fun with my kids at 53 years old at the beach.

    0 like

    • Renee Renee says

      The only swimsuits that fit me now are the tankinis in which I can get different sizes for top and bottom.  At this point, NO one piece even comes close to fitting me.

      0 like

      • Generic Image Pat A. says

        We don’t have TV.  And with massive weight loss I have a shed over my tools.  I don’t really care what others think because I am healthier but my thighs also have extra skin that needs covering so I am very limited.  Not to mention the wings underneath my arms.  Why do I feel like I just mentioned a song, laughing.  But , for me, I want these areas covered.

        0 like

      • Generic Image suzycaboo says

        Fair enough, but the darn tops always rise to the top of my crinkly cleavage!:)  Shows a lovely turkey belly in the process. :) Water…darn it would have to be transparent!  How to avoid this dilemma Renee? :)

        0 like

  7. Generic Image anonymous says

    Renee, I have just made a comment in respond to your reply. Also have received a conformation of posting. How ever I do not see it posted.

    0 like

    • Renee Renee says

      I’ve had issue like that as well.  And it’s interesting that I posted this swimsuit piece in mid-May and am only now just receiving comments!

      0 like

      • Generic Image Pat A. says

        Possibly because we have been to one store too many and are “packing”. laughing
        Also if you don’t like yourself in a bathing suit, a nude beach isn’t going to help.

        1 like

  8. Renee Renee says

    Suzy, go onto http://www.qvc.com and look at the Ocean Dream and Fit 4 You swimsuits.  Some do look old ladyish, but a couple are really cute.  Great coverage.  Re the tankini: You do have to make sure you get a large enough top.  Buy a brand that allows you to get different sizes for top and bottom.

    0 like

  9. Generic Image Willow says

    This is how I solved the problem.  I wear a bold tankini on the top with a little bikini bottom then I sewed a knit skirt that falls just above the knees.  So I have a designer bathing suit.LOL

    0 like

    • Renee Renee says

      I’m so cracking up.

      2 like

      • Generic Image Pat A. says

        Renee, we are born with a crack already!  Someone grabbed the surgerical glue!  At our age we can’t let cracks go!! lol

        0 like

  10. sylvestercat sylvestercat says

    I am a new widow, so all of a sudden I care allot more about how I look. I have lost 30 lbs. down to a size 12 and still shedding.  But the skin is still there. Can I exercise  that away at my age, or am I stuck with loose skin?  I am 66

    0 like

  11. Generic Image Kathyrne says

    I have, for years, worn swim shorts over my bathing suits. I got the idea from ……men!  They are available on Target’s website,  and I found a great pair of Liz Lange maternity swimshorts at the Goodwill.   I just cut out the panty underneath the shorts and they look great.  Danskin also makes them.  Track shorts also work but are usually too baggy and get waterlogged.  
    Anyway, I feel more comfortable and confident in my shorts and that makes me want to swim more!  Good luck fellow swimmers!!!   Kathleen

    0 like

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