Recently in my travels to promote my book and to support my campaign for fearless and fabulous aging I have met a number of women who are worried about the affect of aging on their sex drive.
I understand this concern because I think our sex drive does change post our 50th birthday.
I think it has changed many times as we have aged but like all the other changes this one because it is associated with age is treated with much greater gravity and I must say a fair amount of pessimism.
I sent one woman who expressed such a concern the excerpt below which is from my book Fifty & Fabulous: The Best Years of a Woman’s Life. She wrote back and said, “ this is gorgeous…you must share it with more people.”
Well I thought I had shared it when I put this finding in my book…
So here it is in a bite sized format…enjoy ladies… this too can be your 50+ reality
More Than Skin Deep
I did not discuss sex with every woman I interviewed. I let the topic come up naturally rather than leading the women to it. (I thought that in itself could be interesting to observe.) But the Women of the Harvest, my mentors, answered all my questions—some in their words and some between the lines of their stories. They taught me that if you do not own your sexuality by the time its biological purpose is outlived, you will be left trying desperately to play in today’s game using yesterday’s equipment—which, by the way, seems to have changed only for you. Do you think you could score with a primitive club in a modern baseball game? You can swing that baby but you are not going to knock one out of the park.
We cannot help the fact that our sexuality, at some level, is part of every interaction we have. It is part of what we are. But when it becomes tied to our self-esteem it starts to show up in places that it really just should not be, and as we age things will get even more difficult.
Do not despair; remember the perfect design of aging? Like the light in a woman’s eyes, as you age, your sex drive also turns 180 degrees and begins to pull you inward to a place where you are able to receive in a way you never dreamed you could.
You become a taker, not a pseudo-giver, and in this honesty you find ecstasy again. What’s more, in this honest vulnerability you are quite likely more capable than you ever have been of giving pleasure to your partner and engaging deeply with others without the static interference of sexual energy.
Desire arises, but it does not go “out there” to seek its validation; instead, somewhere deep inside you it stokes its own flame. The questions that arose before as your sexuality began to change now turn to knowing. It may be an unconscious knowing at the start, but in retrospect you will realize that you have answers from somewhere. You know you didn’t ask anyone, not even yourself, “Am I sexy with this tummy, am I sexy with these thighs?” But your tummy, your thighs, and even your jiggly upper arms now scream out in joy, “Yes, I am sexy in this body”!
If it seems that the sparkle in a Women of the Harvest deepens with age, perhaps it’s because her fire is fed in part by the internalization of sexual energy. This beauty is truly no longer skin deep. Instead, it radiates from some knowing place inside a woman who has ceased to need the outer world to know herself.
Excerpt from Fifty & Fabulous: The Best Years of a Woman’s Life by Jaki Scarcello, Watkins 2010
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
I am not so sure about this
I hope to get to this point of joy with more tummy and jiggly arms – but would be nice to get the DRIVE back at least some….
…darleen
Thank you for your response. I have thought a long while about how to answer your response because I believe that it is important.
Over the past few years I have written and talked a lot about the stage of human development which occurs after 50 and which is characterized by a unique set of qualities that come only with age.
This development like all human development contains traits and attributes that we like and those we do not. I provide the positive side of this stage as an alternative viewpoint and to balance the negative side upon which our culture and particularly the media seem to focus.
However I do not want to be characterized as what I call a “Pollyanna “ messenger. That is someone who insists that all is good and only the good is true.
Life as we age has its difficulties and a diminishing sex drive is certainly one of those difficulties which can happen. Illness can also happen and the loss of loved ones and careers and financial security.
So when I offer a piece like the one above I do not deny that the other side, the difficult side is also a real possibility. It is in acknowledging the good and the bad that we continue to lead a quality of life which serves us well.
So that is a very long way of saying… I hear your very real concern about diminishing sex drive and I agree it is the pits!
I am not a medical practitioner so I do not give medical advice but as a fellow female I could suggest that there is medical advice available to assist women who find themselves with reduced sex drive post 50.
There is not however medical advice available to assist us with the inevitable decline of our bodies, plastic surgery and liposuction aside…we will eventually age and age will bring jiggly arms and rolling bellies eventually to the majority of women.
So what do we do then? Are we to believe we are no longer sexy because we are not smooth and firm? And if we start to believe that then what impact will that have on our sex drive? And if we are sexually active with a partner why should they find us sexy if we don’t believe ourselves to be? Could we really dislike our aging bodies so much that we feel we have no right to a full and rich sex life?
I hope not!
I know it is not easy to come to terms with the body changes but they are an inevitable part of the many changes which come with aging but only part and every coin has two sides.
So please don’t let underarm jiggle or jello thighs, as I affectionately call mine, destroy your sex life because the rich rewards of finally owning your own sexiness are a shame to miss.
Thanks for the encouragement, I look forward to changes, Thanks!
Sorry Jaki, you seem like a nice person, nothing personal intended …
BUT – I am so annoyed at this post. Every time I look at the “love and sex” category at this website there it is, in a special box at the top, little Pollyanna telling me my changing sex drive is GOOD news. No, it is NOT good news. This is not my frikkin’ reality ok? I just wish the headline would Go Away. You know, like my libido did a couple years ago. Sigh.
I hear you and for my part in what annoys you I do apologize. I am also grateful you have voiced your annoyance.
In the piece I have shared here I am not suggesting that the loss of sex drive is a good thing. I am suggesting the change can be a good thing.
If you have lost your libido then yes, that is sad but if you have discovered that sex is different in age then my expereince is that is a good thing. I hope you understand the difference.
I was just thinking this morning of writing a piece about loss in aging. We focus on the loss all the time but we have not done a good job of exploring for and advertsing what is found in aging…the unique characteristics that come only with age which fill the void that is created from our focus on the loss. I think the change in sex drive is one of those unique characteristics.
Sex can be alive and fun for years to come just as life can be but it is not going to be the same it was when you were 20
I hope that you can seek professional advice to find your sex drive again and then I hope you can find the way in which your sex life can evolve as you age.
I am 63 and my sex drive is still on “kill.” Unfortuately, I have been celibate since my divorce…..excruciating. I have always been my own woman and ignore women’s magazines….they all want to “fix” us and talk about things which I consider common sense! I mean how many diet tips can we read, how many hair-do’s, makeup, ad nauseum……….Yes…….sex will be (and has been) the same as when i was 20 and I suspect as long as I am alive, like myself…….full of energy, vibrant, sassy, exquisite. I am still performing (ballet) and am an undergraduate in social work, beause I won a scholarship…..because of what I wrote about my life…..I was 1 of 10 receipients out of 1,700 women in the U.S. and Canada. My amazing teacher, who I dedicated my book to died at 97, and she played piano for silent films, and was still in plays dressed up like Willie Nelson………I am going to be just like her……….Going full-tilt in my 90′s…….I don’t understand why people make statements “(sex)—is not gong to be the same it was when you were 20. It is for me. I have more energy than the Energizer bunny…..passion, and drive to make a difference in the world. i think it is all genetic. My ancestor Captain Sam Whittemore is my hero.
I never give up. I “stand at defiance.”