I knew he was terminally ill. My X husband and I had a few touching emails about his dads diagnosis. How was he? Was his dad in pain? How was his mom? We gently recalled some details of my dad’s death 19 years ago. This was pretty much the first time my X and I had referenced our past with tenderness. I felt hopeful that all would be well between us at our son’s wedding next July.
So three weeks later, I gasped when I saw, in my email inbox, a cryptic Facebook post from my daughter about life and relationships, ending with, “RIP grandpa.”
For some reason whenever my daughter does anything on her Facebook page I get an email about it. In some ways I like receiving these frequent slices into her life. I feel included. Sometimes, however, it is as they say, “TMI.” Now I am not a Facebook aficionado so I don’t know how this happens or how to stop it. I do plan to learn though-for two reasons. One, because I was told it is necessary to use Facebook to draw readers to my blog. Secondly because I was told if you keep learning new computer skills it helps prevent Alzheimer’s.
I clicked on the link on the email to get the whole story. I read the comments from her friends. I looked at the endearing picture of her and her grandfather, arms around each other, cheeks pressed together smiling for the camera. Lower on the page there was a
picture, that I remember taking, of Jena and her grandpa when she was young. They are facing each other, looking directly at one another, Ed’s hands on her sides stabilizing her. A bit of drool on Jena’s chin… It has always been one of my favorites.
I was in shock. Ed had died. I always liked Ed. Unfortunately, in laws are often a causality of divorce. Our divorce was no exception. Memories of Ed’s warm hugs and sage advise to me when my dad threatened not come to our wedding flooded my thoughts.
I didn’t know what to do. What is the protocol here? What is the social media etiquette in this case? Is there any? I read through the many comments of condolences and wondered, “Should I comment too?” Dear Jena, So sorry to hear about your grandfathers death. Love Mom. How weird would that be?
I felt like an eavesdropper.
I felt hurt.
I was really confused about what to do.
My rule is when in doubt…do nothing. I decided to follow my own advice until I could make some sense of this. I talked with my friends Debbie and Susan and they agreed. (They don’t even have Facebook pages.)
The next day my X husband emailed me telling me his dad had passed. His telling me directly seemed to grant me permission to know. I then knew what to do, I called my kids. Strange how that worked. Or at least used to work. Bad news was passed from the family to an inner circle of specific people which they then shared with the larger community. It seems social media is changing that. At least in this case.
This all makes me wonder about how we use Facebook. On one hand, this was Jena’s way to share her news. She was able to tell her 566 “friends,” in one easily typewritten sentence, the death of her grandfather. In return, probably instantaneously, she could receive heartfelt warmth and sympathy. Instant compassion.
On the other hand is Facebook the acceptable way to inform others the intimacies of one’s life? Does social media replace deliberate sharing to a chosen few? Does It afford, in some cases, a welcomed distance when sharing difficult news?
What are the social mores of social media? Are there any? Maybe we can come up with some. Any ideas?
I have one:
1. Call your mother concerning any death in your family before posting it on Facebook.
There was no feelings of attack or feelings of anger when I wrote my reply to you. Just stated how I feel about people I find toxic.
You can read into it whatever you like, but with the written word there is no body language, inflections, or an
yes, like my soon to be ex husband! He also fits #s1,3,4,5 above.
Couldn’t agree more. I know that the eventual death of my ex family is something I dread. After all, they were my family for 32 years and then suddenly they were not…and I had nothing to say about it. I’m thinking that my daughter knows about the soft spot I hold in my heart for all of those aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts and more and that she would CALL me with that sad information. (and I at least stayed close to one sister-in-law). But perhaps I better make my wishes known. My condolences.
Thanks for your understanding and condolences. There seems to be no easy way through this uncharted territory. I’ve decided since that is the case to be gentle with everyone, including myself…
Ladies, get a grip. Technology helps keep people informed.
I personally don’t have time to call each relative that I reach out too, no matter how much I have been taught to do so, or all my intentions in wanting to. So, I will post very short updates on my whereabouts, and a picture or two from time. To time.
Having 600 “friends, however, is a bit much! But that is what some people want. There is something about being heard that is often helpful, call it journaling, if you will, it’s just TMI & PUBLIC.
Now not calling our own mother, well, that’s just wrong! No matter what!
I would respond from my heart first; write a brief comment of compassion, for example, “your grandfather was such a sweet man. We will never forget him.”. It’s more for others than for yourself. Your daughter will catch up with you.
Those are the perfect words. Thanks. I wish I had thought of that.
I would never use FB to post any personal details about my life, but to announce an impending marriage, for example, or to notify our “friends” that a family member has just passed, is acceptable. Social media is here to stay, and while it certainly has its pitfalls, it is the fastest way to get information out.
I find it odd when family members who are also FB-friends, post personal comments to each other online, when I happen to know they speak at least every day, or a few times a day. There’s a voyeuristic component to that, as if they WANT others to be privy to their inside conversation, regardless of how dull it is.
I think you handled this situation well, exactly as I would have done. My thought is that your daughter should have phoned you first, before posting on FB knowing you had access to her “newsfeed,” but such is life. My guess, as you said, is that she posted to inform her friends of the news and in return, received more immediate condolences. I don’t think it was an intentional oversight, for some, daily social media “blogging” is just a part of the day.
Thanks Karen for understanding and thinking I handled it well. These are new dilemmas with no clear path. I agree, I don’t think it was intentional, simply awkward for me. As they say, if I had a dollar for every time my kids put me in an awkward situation-their college would be paid for….
First I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have lost 3 people in the past few weeks and sometimes there are no “rights” and “wrongs” to certain situations…and this may be one of them.
This is the new social media. My personal opinion to be perfectly honest is you are over reacting…although I certainly don’t think it’s appropriate to make a public announcement before the immediately family and friends are notified..I can understand where a person, like your daughter, may not have thought of that. So, it’s a good Facebook Etiquette lesson…but otherwise I honestly believe delving into thinking this as disrespectful is over reaction….
But to be honest…this was HER information to share and she had a right to do that. Again, I’d talk to her and tell her that it was a little shocking and in the future you’d rather hear something like that from her directly…but I truly don’t think her intention was at all mean spirited.
She was informing HER friends …. I’m sure that’s how she looked at it. Unfortunately with Twitter and FB this generation is becoming very self involved (I have an 18 year old, 15, 37 and 33) so I get pieces of information all the time…. (who’s dating whom, etc.) from my kids FB sites… but let’s face it…Ed was an in law (I don’t know how long you’ve been divorced or if your ex has remarried, etc.) and when you divorce unfortunately you divorce the family too…Your daughter is still part of that family. You are not. That’s the bottom line and of course that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings of course…if you’ve been divorced a few years, 3 – 5 I can see where you feel part of this family still…but if you’ve been divorced 15-20 years or more…it’s time to move on…this was your DAUGHTERS information to share. Not yours. When was the last time you talked to your daughter about him? When did you last send him a birthday card? Maybe your she did not realize (and maybe for good reason) that you felt he was still so much a part of your life…I think you have a right to be saddened and upset over the death…but not the method of finding out about it.
thanks for you thoughts. I wasn’t feeling disrespected as much a awkward and uncertain as how to proceed. I wanted to respect my daughter’s choices and finding out that way was just plain weird.
In the end, she explained she really didn’t want to talk about it with anyone, so FB was the perfect solution.
As a therapist, I can’t help but disagree with her…my thing being talking is healing…but I am always reminding myself I am her mom not her shrink…
I too am a therapist but my 18 year old daughter is “showing me”….she in college set to follow in my footsteps…should be interesting holiday dinners in a few years! (Or when SHE has kids!! LOL)
So sorry you had to find out such news this way but you can correct what you get notice of from Facebook. Go to the little triangle at the top of your page(next to Home). Click on it and you will get a dropdown menu; choose Account Settings. Then choose Notifications from far left column. You will see a section titled All Notifications. Scroll down to “Other Updates from Facebook” and click on Edit to the right. Uncheck everything you do not want to get an e-mail for; in this case, it would be the first one: Updates about your friends since you logged in. You can go through all the sections shown and uncheck whatever you don’t want to be notified for by e-mail. Hope this helps!
Thanks so much Karen for the technical assistance. I REALLY appreciate it!!!
I too am very sorry for the loss of your ex-father in law. I do agree that it for have been nice if your daughter would have called you. But, I don’t see a problem with her post on Facebook. On Facebook you can also choose a group that you want to see the post. It may not have gone out to all the 500+ people but if it did it was her choice. I appreciate receiving news from those I don’t see on a regular basis. Then I have the option of a short note of I see fit.