Have you noticed Christmas decorations in the store? Are you eyeing a pretty party dress and wondering if you’ll any place to where it? Has your party calendar been getting lighter every year? Are you wondering where you will spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s Eve?
Ask yourself honestly the following questions:
- When you visit, do you stay longer than 3 nights?
You know the saying;”Fish and house guests start to smell after 3 days”.
- Do you ever host a gathering, party, Thanksgiving or Christmas feast at your home?
You do know the excuses that your house is too small or that you don’t have the time, NO ONE Believes? You do realize you are only getting an invitation, if you do get one, is because you are a family member? Does that explain why everyone is aloof to you?
- Do you ask what you can bring to a potluck, dinner or party invitation and then don’t bring it?
How many Thanksgiving dinners have gone with-out rolls because you forgot? It’s rolls for Pete’s Sake!
- Have you ever brought something for a potluck and surveyed the table and put your contribution back into your car?
You know we saw you do it!
- Have you ever done any of the following:
Brought a dish that you needed to cut up, mix and assemble without a serving dish, knife, and peeler or baking tray?
Asked to bring an appetizer but arrive an hour late?
Brought your kids with their friends?
Drank too much and got too familiar, obnoxious or sick?
Brought your pets?
You know we notice all of this and you are still wondering why you aren’t invited more often?
Here are some suggestions to blaze the trail to become a good guest:
Get off your hiney, stop making excuses and learn to be gracious!
Start with family. Invite them for brunch, lunch or dinner and ask them to bring NOTHING.
Don’t want to clean your home? Take them out to dinner or brunch and pick up the tab. Tell them you are doing this to make up for all the times they hosted you.
Now repeat with friends.
Grow up and become a ‘Mench’ and maybe your calendar will fill up with invitations! There is still time.
Michele
To reply to your question - 3 years ago I left the States to live in England after my divorce. I have lived alone here since then, found a pretty good job and have managed to support myself all through that time without using up savings. 
Perfect!
No we don't live together for now.He adores me as did two other younger men I was involved with before him. They were both very affectionate with me in public.I was the shy and old fashioned one always concerned about PDA public display of 
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this! I couldn’t agree more! I love to host but am getting tired of guests that are part of the “group” and never reciprocate in any way. Or the ones who bring a bottle of cheap wine ( the big bottle) to my dinner party. I understand that not everyone is comfortable entertaining, but what about meeting for a drink or dinner at a resturant? You don’t have to pay – it’s just nice to be asked.
Part of friendship is Being the friend! Reach out in some way. Take me out to lunch on my birthday, stop my teenager on the street and engage her in some way. Build in to me as I have built in to you.
I would love to hear other views on this. The non-initiaters. Do you not want to have friends? Maybe you are content with a few close friends. Please realize that we invite you because we like you. We are reaching out and want to hear from you as well.
J Plum, thanks! Maybe you should forward this post to said people. I think many friends and family members are clueless. They have justified their non hosting actions so much: so busy, house not big enough, or can’t cook, they think they are justified. We all know they are not!!! Some one tell them please!
I would so love to post this on Facebook! I have 7 siblings,( we all range from age 61 to 50) and none of them has ever hosted a holiday dinner but me! Most don’t entertain at all, and the few that do it’s for a graduation, shower, etc. where the price of admission is a gift or a card and check! Our 82 year old mother is having Thanksgiving because I am hosting my husband’s family this year. Admittedly (most) everyone brings something so Mom or I don’t have to do absolutely everything, it’s still a heck of a lot of work, and it’s not cheap either. I guess I keep doing it so that my Mom doesn’t get stuck every year, and because I fear the family will drift apart if I don’t.
You are not alone with an elderly Mother still having to host Thanksgiving! 82!
I have a neighbor about your Mother’s age who just said no and you would have thought she shot her grown children. They went out to dinner because no one would step up and then complained all year about how it wasn’t the same! She held her guns and will not host again!
Just realized I was “anonymous” Good for your neighbor. 2 years ago my husband and I helped out at the Rescue Mission on Thanksgiving, and Mom didn’t want to cook, so yeah, some of them went out, and others had their own little family and that was it. No invite for at least Mom, she had to go out. She said she loved it though! Like JPlum, I also enjoy hosting, but once in a while would love to just sit down and eat, and then leave with my casserole dish when it’s over.
In defense of those who are perceived as bad guests… I don’t cook, but offer to bring, and usually am met with “no, don’t bother, just bring yourself” for a response. I have brought the cheap, big bottle of wine, because I don’t drink it and have no idea what else to bring for a hostess gift. (I am not a wine person.) I have taken my potluck donation home, but only because it was never opened or eaten.
Parties totally freak me out. They take a long time to plan, it’s a complicated process when you are not good at it, and not being a cook makes it all the harder. To plan a party for people who are better than you at party planning, hosting, and cooking is an extremely intimidating endeavor! Which is why I avoid it as much as possible.
You people might not realize how difficult you make it. As I am tending to my dinner, you are standing around criticizing every move I make. The way I hang the decorations, the tools I use to cut, mix and stir, and the food I chose to prepare. Many times I have been tempted to slam down the spatula and say, “just do it yourself, if you know so much!”
Making a simple meal is difficult enough for me, much less a grandiose meal for many. I would rather eat a bug, I really would. I have participated in potlucks, but because I don’t cook, I bring something extremely simple. I am usually very impressed, yet embarrassed to find the other things brought were made with great love, care and skill. And because I am a woman, I am expected to have this skill. It sucks.
When I was a child, my mother never showed me how to cook. Maybe she hated it too, or perhaps I just wasn’t interested. My dad ran a tavern and we didn’t have a lot of money, or impressive friends, so we didn’t entertain except for holidays and then only family. I had nothing in the way of example for this.
I am an awesome artist and live my life in a very creative way, but I don’t expect this of the people around me, and I accept them as they are. But when it comes to parties and cooking, I find that other woman are very mean and assuming. I actually overheard women at a party berating a dish I had brought, and making all kinds of horrible negative assumptions about me based on the simplicity of what I brought. Obviously they had no idea I had brought the dish they were referring to or would not have been so verbal about it.
My feelings were deeply hurt and I really didn’t want to stay at the party any longer. So for you people whom throwing parties is a breeze, please remember that for some of us, parties are very draining events and put the fact that we have no skills in the spotlight, which is very uncomfortable. We aren’t trying to be rude. We are just trying to fit in socially as expected, but due to the lack of knowledge or skills, it comes across as rudeness.
It sounds like your cooking skills are fine – but your friends need some adjustments.
Sharon is right! I have been to potlucks where food is criticized and scrutinized, a potato salad in a bowl but not over ice in doors! Oh horrors …please. Some people love to pick and pick behind your back or in front of your food! I have also been where the cook says she bought the chicken in the discount reduced bin in the market or tells you the ingredients of her dish and it can be just Too Much Info!
I used to throw family dinners, or cook and lug — not anymore. It was always migraine territory for me. There are two words that make my blood run cold — POT LUCK! Oh my couldn’t we just chip in for pizza, a tray of sandwiches, good beer/coffee and great conversation.
I never vote for a pot luck dinner, that is too much stress.
Darcy, Especially if you live in a big city, take out food is so easy, and good, it makes entertaining more about being with the people you invite.
If you are a foodie and invite other foodies it is all about in the kitchen and watching and helping and enjoying.
Paula, you fit the category of taking a friend or 2 out for a brunch or even a coffee if you are a frequent guest at their parties.
I really suggest a small gift at potlucks to the hostess. Dishtowels! A couple of pretty dish towels wrapped in a reusable grocery bag or in a bag with tissue and ribbon and a note from you expressing your appreciation is always nice. Cute Christmas hand towels for a Christmas party, you get the idea. Don’t put yourself in the position of ridicule.
But my house really is too small, Haralee! Love this. Will have to invite people out for dinner more often.
Lori, Even coffee or a drink for friends!
Wow, Paula, I’m sorry you have such mean people in your life. “You people might not realize how difficult you make it.” I’m not one of “you people.” But I agree with Haralee, there are other ways to give back to those who have treated you well. Share your art and creativity. And what is wrong with pizza and beer? It doesn’t always have to be a major undertaking.
Paula, I agree with Victoria and Haralee! The point is: do something! We get that everyone’s “gift” is not hostessing. I remember having some friends over once, burning the dinner and ordering pizza! We laughed and had a good time.
When you are in the position where you need to bring something there are lots of creative solutions. Go to a wine store and ask the manager to select a good $25. bottle of wine. Go to a cheese store and ask them to put a couple of cheese wedges, crackers and a fruit spread together for you. Then go home, and transfer it all to a pretty plate.put the fruit spread in a little bowl. It is elegant , delicious, much appreciated and you didn’t have to cook.
And, I agree, if you overheard your “friends” criticizing the dish that you brought it is time to cultivate new friends. The point of entertaining is to bring people together. We just want to realize that EVERYONE can do something, sometime. We all love to feel wanted and appreciated.
The best baby shower after the baby was born was beer and pizza and a bought cake and ice cream. It was 28 years ago and it still resonates as a really good time and stress free!
Here’s another alternative. Give them some Money! Even if they won’t take it, tell them that they can donate it to their favorite charity or church. Bring flowers. Stop and buy an awesome bakery cake. There is just NO excuse for being a bad guest. Everyone can do something.
Great ideas! A thoughtful something is really appreciated!
Thanks ladies, for all your support. Over the years I have found ways. I recently moved into a new home and googled ideas for throwing a great housewarming party. Got lots of good ideas. I also have been dating a lovely guy who doesn’t cook either, but knows how to throw a great party without losing his mind in the details like I would. So I am learning. And working on getting better friends, but you know what they say about choosing your relatives!
Good for you Paula! Relatives can really be the worst because they think they are a shoe in for an invite. Trust me an invitation does not have to be extended. “We are having a small get together”, “This isn’t a good year for me to host”, “My table is full” and of course “No I did not forget to call you” are all acceptable answers when the bad guest family member asks you what time is dinner!
I always had a sister who insisted on doing everything at family get-togethers and is actually offended if you bring something. Therefore, I might be one of those unskilled people that doesn’t know what to bring. I’d love an e-book on the 20 things every houseguest should do. Great piece, Haralee!!
My sister-in-law who passed away 2 years ago was the perfect house guest. Her daughter and grand kids follow in her path. My bathroom is actually cleaner than when they came!
I love your idea. Most guests don’t need to clean the bathroom!