How do you notice or define your own self-destructive behaviors? Do you suffer from those, or have you discovered a way to recognize the red flags, and grow past making such choices that bring you heartache and recriminations?
I find that I’m extremely intuitive at recognizing those behaviors of others that I think will land them in the gutter, emotionally, mentally, or financially. Its always easier to see the forest outside instead of the piles of poo inside. I am a complicated individual, raised in a complicated home. Sometimes I ponder on the nurture/nature thing, and other times I think, screw it, this is the way it is.
Because I am a person who seeks personal improvement, and truly despises backwards steps, I’m aghast at the times I self destruct. Sometimes these moments are related to family crises. Sometimes health crises. But I’ve come to believe that when I allow myself to get really really vulnerable in a relationship, that is my largest red flag. I don’t often see that flag until way past the time I should have seen its flaming red bouncing screaming self, but when I do I’m usually stunned that I just noticed. If I could truly internalize the need on occasion for me to take a break – emotionally and physically – from an extremely close relationship, I could perhaps save myself some heartache. Many years ago, as a member of a 12-step program, I learned the art of seeing the black hole as I jumped in. I gradually learned to hang onto the edges, and on a rare occasion, to sidestep. Sidestepping is my goal, if not my ability.
This is a growth of sorts. For many years, I didn’t notice nor care when I self-destructed. I think I’ve lived in such a way that at times, I just didn’t think the rules applied to me. Life rules. Relationship rules. If I pursued my path and didn’t hurt anyone (intuit – lied about what I was doing), then it was okay to me. Its not okay anymore. Perhaps I’m too old to take the hit when my blood pressure shoots out of the top of my head.
Recently I’ve hurt two people at the top of my priority list. Because I just didn’t think the rules should apply to me. I’m not sure what I will take from this. Someone will read it, and say just follow the rules. At 54, I do wonder if that is possible. The rules I break are not laws – I’m not in danger of going to jail. But the story of The Scarlet Letter comes to me in the night. I have the need to bake bread for my neighbors who I haven’t treated very well. As a kind of penance, I think. But it isn’t them who I’ve harmed. Somehow, if I can run around making everyone else love me, I can prove to those I’ve hurt that I’m lovable. Maybe that “A” can one day mean “ANGEL” and not A.S.O.E.
To one of these people, I have given heartfelt apologies. For the other, I may have lost a friend for life. There are important lessons here that hurt like hell. The lessons are that there are consequences to actions and decisions. And I too must experience those consequences. I am not, after all, above the rules.
I wonder just how long it takes to really grow up.
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p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
This really hit home with me. In order not to be thought of badly, I did something that virtually guaranteed it. In doing so, I showed disrespect for a friend I treasure. Looking back I see how ludicrous it was. Why didn’t I see that then? I hope to repair this friendship, but I’m not sure that will happen. If it doesn’t I will have allowed a life-long wrong-headed avoidance issue to place a permanent wall between me and this person.
I’m not immune to the rules either, and I don’t wish that I was. I’ll keep growing and hopefully get better at standing up for my own needs without hurting others.
Forgiveness of self is so difficult, and yet so vital to personal growth. This weekend I was at a Jewish Children Survivors conference, and the thing I noticed most was the surivors who could really let go and move on (of course, the pain and memories are always there) were the ones who could forgive someone in their lives – parents, siblings – usually in their family. The ones still in pain and terribly wounded had not forgiven family members. (I am NOT referring to the Nazis in the forgiveness realm). I was so impressed with those who could recognize that their lives had continued, and place their emphasis on their families. Forgiveness is truly an incredible gift to others and to yourself. I suppose I will continue to self-destruct in some ways. But I really think this time some of the lessons will stick. Perhaps I’m simply too old to hurt myself so badly anymore.
I was just told by an astrologer I need to focus on building my self respect. I too believed I could bend the rule if no one was hurt but someone is always hurt and it is usually me. Once when I wanted to call a man that had just hurt me deeply, my girlfriend said, “Don’t you have any self respect?’ I truly didn’t. I guess it’s not too late to work on that if for no other reason than to be a better example to my young daughter.
ha ha my favorite blogger. another interesting piece. I’ve found myself noticing other peoples flaws a lot these past two years, but unfortunately I’ve also learned “the rule” that if I’m pointing the finger at someone else, chances are really good that I also have those same mental blank spaces, or flaws, or character defects, or index of maladjustments, or sins or whatever you want to call them.
And the biggest thing I’ve discovered is in dawning of understanding of why someone else said or did what they did, I get relief from hurt feelings.
Usually people respond in a way historically accurate to their past behavior……….so why am I so surprised?
Mostly I’m delighted to see that I’m your favorite blogger.
“Usually people respond in a way historically accurate to their past behaviour…so whay am I so surprised?” This is a comment i have made to many friends. Why be surprised when that is the nature of the beast? You have seen this behavior over and over, and yet you are surprised? The response on my part is, “Are you stupid?” Not nice, but true. And in my own case, are those who are involved with me stupid? I hope not. I hope that they see the potential – what I can and strive to be. It is a forward and forever challenge.
Lucy
You put words on paper that I really needed to hear today. I’ve have been in a self-destructive mode most of my life. Sometimes I think I understand why, and other times I feel lost about the whole ordeal. Too long to get into here and for the most part, this place seems uplifting and I don’t want to bring anyone down, including myself.
I read many things in your post that I related to. I too have been involved in a twelve step program. I understand what you say about running around making amends in order to feel lovable. Lovable to who? To others? Or to ourselves. That’s the question.
The statement that jumped out the most is that there are CONSEQUENCES for our actions and decisions. So simple, yet so complex.
You sound like an interesting person. A ‘real’ person who is willing to bare your soul a little. I think personally, that’s the only way to overcome self-destruction. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say in these forums.
Suzycaboo
My deep thanks. I want to be real in this blog. I don’t value nor care for those who admit to no issues in their lives. In a recent discussion with my husband, I talked about the fact that in my own nuclear family (with my siblings), there were five children. Those who lived with my mother the longest appear to have the most self-destructive habits. In this case, I think many were learned life-skills. Which weren’t so skillful. In my own family of sons, it appears that the oldest received the most lessons about self-destruction, while the younger two (who had more exposure to my husband – a person not trained in self-destruction) have done much better. I am not indicating I did nothing good for my children. I have reached the point that I have stopped apologizing for not being capable of what I was not taught. I do take responsibility for my youth and lack of skill, but in the end, we must all take responsibility for our own lives, or continue to play the victim.
Self-destruction can be overcome, I believe. It may take me my whole life, but if at the end, I can tell my grandchildren and great grandchildren how I worked on it constantly, daily, sometimes hourly, then I think it will be worth it.
Thank you for sharing.
good stuff. you know i’ve learned when i knew better i did better.
blame it on menopause. I have been in this stage for 10 years and although it came sloooooooooowly and i did not understand what was happening to me, one of the things that comes w/it is temper, bluntness, insensitivity. There are the 7 dwarfs of menopause and irritability named bitchy is on top of the list. Itchy, bitchy, sweaty, blowdy, sleepy forgetful, and dried all over and some people add psycho. I self destruct but i know it when i am doing it… a bell is ringing in my head saying STOP! Except that i do not. I do it mostly at my job. I confront my boss which can be lethal and in this economy one should not do that. My family’s livelihood depends on my job. I pray a lot that i take control over this self-destructiveness. So since I am Catholic and believe in a higher being, i brought a cross w/a magnet and placed it on top of the pencil sharpener and say a prayer before the start of my day. It has helped a lot! But that is my thing….. you have to find yours. Some of my friends notice when i am combative and just change the subject whatever that may be. But i have always been a bit confrontational, my friends are used to it. Although i am very compassionate also. So it is weird. I have a friend that has extremely curly/kinky hair, she does not admit it and since there is a great keratine treatment now in the market i mentioned it to her. She refuses to admit that she has this kind of hair and i corrected her since i have known her from childhood. It is her denial, i should of just let it go. She is 59, i am 58. I think the whole thing is foolish at this point of our lives and i told her so. So yesssssssssssss, i am self destructive but i know when i am at that stage. Now i just pray that i do not get lethal consequences. Send a note to your friend, if she is really a good friend, she will not forget, but she will come around, just give her time. It may not be the same as before, but hey, nobody is perfect.
Hi LucyBHoffman: I’m 66 years old and one day I said to my mother, “Isn’t it nice to have all your children grown, on their own and taking responsibility for their lives?” I said this all proud that I could fit into that category. My mother lovingly said to me, “I’ll tell you when you are grown up!” Just about the time we think we have learned how to step around the big holes, the holes disguise themselves and “whump” there you are again trying to climb out. So climb out you will, a little wiser because you experienced the consequences. You know what I have started doing? Loving and embracing the consequences . . . loving the person I hurt more, loving myself more than that.
I do like this!
Hi Lucy,
I just discovered your blog and was touched by the entry on Compassion Fatigue. I find that I can have so little compassion for myself when I am less than perfect and giving, and this self-judgment creates the path to self-destruct, limits my abllity to flow compassion to others which creates the very thing I am resisting! I’d love to offer a simple but powerful gift that works unfailingly in those moments when I am unable or unwilling to forgive myself or others. It is called The Compassion Exercise. It is magical and takes just a moment. It begins by selecting someone in your life that you would like to extend some compassion toward, then doing the following steps deliberately for that person, really experiencing the shift that occurs and the wonderful possibilities there are for creating more compassion in the world.
The Compassion Exercise
Honesty with one’s self leads to compassion for others.
Objective: To increase the amount of compassion in the world.
Expected Results: A personal sense of peace.
Instructions: This exercise can be done anywhere that people congregate (airports, malls, parks, beaches, etc.) It should be done on strangers unobtrusively, from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person.
Step 1 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.”
Step 2 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
Step 3 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
Step 4 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: ”Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.”
Step 5 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
”Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change.”
This is one of thirty exercises that can be found in Resurfacing: Techniques for Exploring Consciousness by Harry Palmer.
Sending love and appreciation for your willingness to reach out and connect with others,
Donna Hurley, MD
donnahurley@austin.rr.com