My oldest called yesterday. He is on a trek west. I have no idea what that means. Just going west to see things he’s never seen before. Of course, this is on the cusp of getting out of a 7 week residential treatment that was only supposed to last 4-6 weeks. But out he is one week later than he was supposed to be, and on his way with his new girlfriend to see the sights. His company continues to pay him disability which allows him the ability to travel while his ex works to support their son. Do I sound bitter?
He called me to check in. I haven’t asked him to check in. I am supposing he wants me to take the call so that I can reassure everyone else that he is fine and dandy. After I have spent many evenings discussing how to handle this situation, how to respond to him, and whether or not I should head 2 1/2 hours to his treatment center next week to participate in a family orientation. I guess I won’t have to worry about that decision any longer.
When the call first came in, I ignored it. I didn’t pick up the phone because I was actually amazed that he had called. I am looking forward to getting to the point where he can no longer stun me. Mostly I ignored the call because I had no idea what to say. I know I’m very angry about this whole turn of events. I know he is nowhere near the bottom of this spiral, and I don’t intend to spiral downward. But there’s the phone call.
I returned the call. No answer. Until I had walked into a shoe department, and then the return call came. This time I took it. Walked out of the shopping center to do so, and there was his voice. My lost 37 year old son who thinks what he is doing is of no real concern. He has an apartment from which he will be evicted, an unpaid power bill that has resulted in the power being turned off, and furniture, including a brand spanking new washer and dryer.
S: What’s going on?
M: For real? You are calling me to ask what’s going on?
S: Yep. Stayin’ in touch like I said I would.
M: I’m working to keep my life together. Whatsup with you (some sarcasm and mostly anger in this response)?
S: Just going west to see some cities.
M: J, Don’t call me anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t understand what is going on with you. I think this is insanity to the 10th degree. I don’t know why you wasted 7 weeks in a treatment center, spent well over $3000 for your own room and board. I don’t know if you are supporting your son, or wishing he didn’t exist. I don’t know if you are sending money to your ex-wife, or expecting her to do all the work to keep a roof over your son’s head and food on the table. I don’t know anything about you. I’m tired of being hurt and angry because of your completely self-centered life. Don’t call me. Call your sponsor. I’m done. I will have a heart attack if this continues. Don’t call me anymore.
S: Oh, ok.
Bye.
That was it. Bye. Then I lost it. Sat in the shoe department of Dillard’s and cried my eyes out. One lady asked if it was allergies. I responded, no, children.
I came home and walked around my house, picking up things, folding clothes, getting my table organized. I talked a lot to me. I’m not thrilled with sharing my pain (except on anonymous blogs), never have been. Probably no one is, really. But there I go thinking everyone feels like I do. So that part likely isn’t true either.
I only called one person. My minister, who has an uncanny ability to make me feel better by focusing on things completely outside myself or my problems. I did some good with myself — the talking, I mean. I talked about how important many of the responses I’ve gotten here on VN are. How many others have walked in my shoes, and cried, and then stood up to walk again. I talked about how he is lost in his own sad world right now, and the choices he is making are those that are purely selfish because he can see no one else right now, and perhaps never has. I talked about the fact that I could make some selfish choices too, and an important one is the ability to keep myself healthy by refusing to participate in his rather sordid life.
I also thought about how I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now. I don’t want to open up to people to give this info to because I’m so tired of my life being centered around a son who is totally centered around himself. Tonight I will attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I simply couldn’t go last night. The pain was raw, the wound was gaping, and the energy level was below negative. Today I awake with the desire to get off this roller coaster for good. I know it will take work and awareness to do that. I am guessing it will have to come from support from others who have endured this type of burden. I am ready to go there.
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p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
OMG! I have had these same conversations with myself so many times! My son to is 37 and a supposedly ex meth addict. he has made our family life h— since he was 15, he now has three daughters 15 – 19 yrs old who live with their Mom and one son 5yrs old who I have custody of and he doesn’t support any of them.
His younger brother is doing life in prison because of things regarding my sons doings. I can’t go on forgiving and trying to be a Christian with an open heart when there is never any healing.
He just in last couple days has found a job after not being employed for two years. I can’t even be thankful for that as I’m afraid as soon as he has a regular income he will use it for drugs again.
It truly is a roller coaster and I so want to be done with the long ride.
He has burned all his bridges with other family and friends and has no one else in the world so he wants me to understand and care for him. I just can’t any more and it’s doubly hard with trying to raise his son and not have his Dad’s childish and selfish examples influence him too as my son most always acts like he is still 15 and has not had a decent upbringing.
Lord have mercy for all of us. My heart and prayers go out to all mothers who live with this situation.
You have some really good advice coming through on this thread. I am an Alanon member because of my parents’ drinking and abuse. When I found Alanon, my life opened up. My program gives me hope and serenity. I am able to make the choices that I need to make for me to be healthier. In Alanon, it’s all about me and not the alcoholic. I am healing and I am enjoying life like I never have before. I am grateful for the program. Recently, there have been men in our meetings and I learn alot from them. One of the best actions I took early on, was to attend an open AA meeting. Looking through their eyes helps me to understand my parents’ behaviors. Alanon helps me to live with the pain and fear that I face. My sponsor and friends from the program are the most steady people that I have ever had. Nothing I say or think has not been felt by someone else. What a relief! I could go on about what I get from Alanon, but I won’t. I will say that you are in the right place; a safe place to be. Keep coming back!
Lucy,
I have a 26 year old son currently living with my husband and I. He is our oldest son. He is addicted to the internet and tries to find relationships that way which I think is dangerous. He has a few times attempted this scenario of going to live for a while with these people and then expecting me to rescue him. I’m done. I know what you are going through. No matter what the addiction is, the mother especially needs a strong support group and structure. You can’t get through this alone. My advice go to the support group, turn to family and friends that are aware of the situation and take it one day at a time. Start doing things for yourself. I know from real life experience with 6 children and 12 grandchildren and one great grandchild that this is no easy journey for any of us. VN is one of the best places to be for support if you feel better writing about it. It is also sometimes easier if you get mostly positive feedback and people who really do understand what you are going through. Just so you all know, my 31 daughter was our addiction problem for a number of years. She is now married with 3 daughters of her own and starting to believe what Mama was talking about since one of her daughters is repeating that behavior. You will get through this believe me, I will pray for you and your son.
vinnigirl
My son is only 26 and has his issues too he has left the nest again and I worry constantly that he will go back to drugs again but I am learning that I cannot control his actions it is a daily struggle. My heart goes out to you Lucy and I wish you the best of luck. :0)
Dear dear Lucy
I do feel your pain and know somewhat that you are feeling, but with me, it is my sweet 30 yr old daughter. My Jackal and Hyde daughter. She is in so much pain and doesn’t know how or is strong enough to get out of the abusive, drug life, she and her @@@@@@boyfriend are living. She can be so incredibly sweet and so awful at other times. Growing up, you couldn’t have asked for any one sweeter, kinder or smart. The guy she met, started her on her journey to hell with pot and now stronger. After our roller coaster ride with them for the past 7-8 years ( with her leaving many times, and him promising the moon that he would change, and beating her down so she would go back, and did ), with all the leading money and vehicles, etc. we finally said enough. We will not lend her money, or buy groceries or other things, as that means there is more money for drugs that my husband and I started tough love. This has just been in the past year, so now that the gravy train has dried up, they moved to another province. She came home to get some of her things a few months ago and persuaded her Dad to move her things back up with the promise that the boyfriend would pay him, when they got there. We all know were that ended. But… that wasn’t the worse of it. The dump that they lived in, has no lock, no fridge, no stove, and no wash/dryer. She is in a large city with no lock on the doors. Her Dad was so upset and tried to get her to come back home with him. But of course he wouldn’t let her. Thought you would again here a month ago, but he told her ( after a year) that he would get her a fridge and stove and things would change. Instead he got her a washer dryer, that ” she” is now working to pay for it. When she gets that paid off, he will then get her the other things. His money goes to more important things like drugs…
It is hard to not be bitter, to see her this way, so very very different than the child she was. So different from the life she lived. She is using as well and has lost 2 beautiful little girls, probably mostly because of it. She went into early labour but he told her she was fine and she finally drove herself to the hospital and had the baby a few hours after that. She lived 5 days and the other she lost at 6.5 months pregnant. She is so depressed and has such low self esteem and self worth, that she stays with him. We have tried all we know of to get her to come home and leave him, but… all we can do now is pray, pray and pray some more. Then let her make her own choices. She needs to reach the bottom, but sometimes you think that she can’t go much further. Letting go, was so hard… Tough love indeed, but… it is tough. For both of us and for her sister. But then, how tough it must be for her too. We worry over her, but… we have to get on with our lives. It is her choices that she is making.
My heart was bleeding as I read your story. I can feel such pain in your words. Please know others care and my God bless you.
You have a wonderful way of sharing your experience. I thought of your first post last night, when my 42-year-old son called with his usual string of half-truths and outright lies about his drug use and other life matters. After five minutes, I simply told him I love him and hung up the phone. And now I see your new post. Yes, tough love and Al-anon are a winning combo. For me, it’s not about fixing him or even dealing with his addiction(s). It’s about learning to cope with my own feelings, actions and reactions. Hang in there. And please don’t stop sharing.
Lucy,
Please let us know how your Al-Anon meeting went. I have a 21 yr old daughter who is a mess – drugs, alcohol, and other risky behavior (including theft) and I worry so much about her. We never stop loving and holding out hope for our kids, not to mention that I wonder what I might have done or not done to cause this. She isn’t ready for help yet, but I really need someone to talk to who understands. Stay strong!
Sara
Al Anon is amazing. The group I am attending is all women (don’t think that is true everywhere) and so open. So real. And they all struggle.
“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it” – Proverbs 22:6
God is the ultimate expert on kids: big, little, and in-between. Give them to Him, He cares more for them than even we can!
Right beside you in the parenting wars – Beth
My Mom had to do something similar with a drug addicted sister years ago. When my sister called to ask, again, for Mom to come pick her up somewhere because her car was out of gas or some other thing, Mom finally said, ‘No…I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.” My sister said, “You won’t help me anymore?!” and Mom said no, she could not. She didn’t hear from my sister for a couple of weeks, I think, and then a somewhat weak sister showed up on her doorstep saying “Mom, I’m clean!” She had walked all the way to Mom’s house. Apparently my sister and her friend had locked themselves into the abandoned house they lived in for three days and went through withdrawal together. So, Mom got on the phone to her doctor and asked what she could do to help my sister. He recommended fruits, etc., to help her body recover from the withdrawal. At any rate, I wanted to share with you because what you are doing (in this case, not a thing) is probably exactly the right thing to do for your son. God can handle the rest…
Hi Lucy, You story sounds similiar to mine in many ways. I am like you I do not wish to discuss my situation with everyone and not may people want to hear or try and understand. I am so glad you are going to Al Anon you need to take care of your own mental health and enjoy life again. Good Luck
I have a 39 year old neice that I has been in my life since her birth. She was left by her birth mother, rejected by her step mother, overprotected by her grandmother, and is now married to a cruel and controlling man. She has three children and I have recently come to truly understand that she is has the emotional make up of a child, herself. Her kids have a strange type of maturity because there is no real grown up in the house. For the past ten years I have saved this family from one financial disaster after another and have spent literally thousands of dollars to keep a roof over the head of her and the children. She is 45 days away from eviction and I gave her the money to acquire a loan modification. She doesn’t return my calls because she doesn’t want a “long conversation” (lecture) and I think that, for atleast awhile, I won’t return hers either. I am with you, Lucy! I have had enough……
You have already gotten responses regarding Al-Anon but please try and find meetings in your area and it will change your life. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon and there is no better therapy for a parent or loved one of an alcoholic/addict. You have to learn to detach with love and to take care of yourself. I go to meetings every week and have a sponsor. When you sit in an Al Anon room and hear other people’s stories of what they went through and how they handle it, I guarantee you will be able to handle this. Just as it is important for them to go to AA you need to go to Al Anon. I have 2 qualifiers, 2 adult daughters, who now each have almost one year sobriety. They work their program and I work mine. You cannot and should not help them in anyway financially.
I went to Al-Anon for a time and heard two very succinct and helpful and forever usefual things. 1) Your children have a God — and it ain’t YOU. What a relief that was — my rescuing days were over. God took over. Hallelujah!!!
2) Every human being has value — every single one of us!! Some of us because of how we behave – do not have worth. There is a difference — Value we are born with — Worth is what we earn as we go along in life. Actually I believe Emanuel Kant the philosopher said that yonks ago.
Stay with the program!
I see more and more adult children abusing their parents. I don’t get it. I believe it’s about to get worse. Adult children seem to be more absorbed these days with their needs with parasitic behavior draining their parents dry. I raised three girls and told them when they were very young that I was not going to be responsible for their lives as adults once they reached that plateau. I always stressed the no return policy. I have been very strict about thisregardless of what their situation is, because I saw my own siblings who drained my mother dry and caused her grief and almost financial ruin. I decided from seeing this that this would NEVER happen when I had kids.
I believe that if adult children can go out make babies, see the world , do drugs or whatever else they choose to do, they can be responsible enough to pick up the pieces. That’s how we learn: by taking responsibility for our actions. Some of these “kids” must not have gotten that memo.
I have never raised boys, but I have seen many cases of women that I know who “baby” their boys to the point of being rotten without realizing what the end result will be. Boys needs men to teach them to be men. Women lack the understanding of knowing what it is that boys need and cater to them, not realizing this is the worst thing you could do. Men are harder on boys to most women, but believe me, boys understand the language.
From what I read, Lucy, your son seems to be flipping you off big time! I say that you owe it to yourself to get into your life and the things that you want to do. You raised him the best you could and he’s grown! 37 years old is almost 40 and he will get his own reality check when life smacks him in the face.
Enjoy your life and do the things that you want to do and no matter what, I wouldn’t pick up the pieces for him if he chooses to call with his “in your face” obnoxious behavior. He has no respect. You owe him nothing. You brought him into the world and gave him all you had. Praise yourself for that. The rest is up to him.
My girls know that I will not ever take them in, but I will give the advise on what choices they can make to figure out their own lives. They respect me for it. They appreciate that I am enjoying my life in my empty nest and celebrate all that I am doing in it. So, Lucy, brush yourself off, look in the mirror, smile and give your self a big hug and live….
Wouldn’t it be great if we all could be in one huge Al Anon meeting? Here is a phrase I have used on my children when they call and want something, ” I love you, I believe in you, and I know you will do the right thing for you.” End of story. Another one I have learned is – No is a complete sentence. Sometimes that is the only word you need to say.
God- I feel like I’ve finally found a home in this group. Like most of you my life has revolved around my son’s drug use (started at 14) and other anti-social behaviors, lawyers, counselors, rehab, juvinile detention, jail blah blah. He goes through long periods of “reform” and just when I think that maybe…maybe he has turned the corner, BAM he’s in trouble again. This time he got caught speeding and had weed and paraphernalia in the car. A felony this time.I feel as though I have given him the last eleven years of my life…I can’t get those years back. I have done the tough love stuff, tossed him out on his a–, everything…YOU KNOW THE DRILL…but he still has the ability to catch me off guard and break my heart again.The I get mad at myself for being stupid. I feel so alone because it seems like everyone else has a “normal” child. (Yes I am jealous). The irony of all this : I am a drug and alcohol counselor who had to stop counseling people because I would work with kids and adults in rehab all day and then come home to it at night. Too much. It’s so niice to have a place to let it all go…without having to listen to the “advice” of people who haven’t lived it. Detaching is THE hardest thing on earth to do…I work at it daily. It sucks. Thanks for being here ladies.
Dear Lucy,
I feel your pain. Few years ago a young man walked into our life. He was 26 at the time. He is now 29. Abondonned by his mother at age 2, raised by a doped up father, he had suffered abuse neglect, and of turned to alcohol, drugs and prostitution to sastify his needs. I could see the child in the lost man and with the support of our children we adopted him. He is a kind and loving child, but remains feral. He has now fathered a child with his addict and violent girl friend. A car destroyed, treatment and a stint in the work house after 2 DUIs, he is now working for a friend of mine. On the surface he seems to be doing OK. But I know that he is still on this crazy train and will not get off until he is ready. I am scared of where this will end. I have cried many tears, and when I think I have no more tears, I cry again.
We have to hold on to the fact that we are good parents, and that unless they decide to help themselves in their fight for survival and sobriety there is nothing that we can do, but be there and love unconditionnally. We cannot participate in the craziness. We need to remain strong and healthy. Other are counting on us, and we cannot let them down because of the addict’s lunacy.
May be one day both our children will come home. But again we have to accept that they may never come home, and that is the true reality.
I ony hope that the child to come will have a fighting chance. But again!!!!
I attended Al-Anon, it did help me accept the fact that no matter how hard I want him to be better so he can be part of life, I cannot do it for him. He and only he holds the key to a healthy life. But I also learned that you cannot give up, just wait, but continue on living for you and for the people who love you and that and you love.
Hang in there, I do you might as well.
Thank you soleil, your words are so wise and so comforting.
Lucy, you are a strong woman and you are definitely doing the right thing. Your son is in a horrible place but you cant save him and you DO NOT have to go on the journey with him any further than you absolutely have to, ie by doing the hardest part and letting him go. He is 37 and you really truly have done your mothering years. You are giving him the gift of his adulthood and taking the consequences of his actions. You have my heartfelt support and deep respect.
My brother was a golden boy, handsome, very talented, charismatic, he is now 49 and a derelict who still thinks the world has wronged him. My 73 year old mother has finally turned her back, and I know it pains her to her soul to do it. Now he has set his sights on me. Sharing your experience has helped me enormously, I am so grateful that you did share it. We all walk together.
Dear Lucy,
I read everything that all these lovely ladies have responded with to you…..I think the most important thing that one woman said was “you need to take care of yourself”. I am a personal certified Life Coach, I assist women in the process of seeing themselves and their situations in a different light, and help them to move past their stuck places. Please look at my website to see what you think. I am happy to provide you with a sample session so you can get a feel for coaching to see if you think it may help you through this most draining of life experiences. My heart is with you, and I wish you peace.
Aimee
http://www.yourpathlifecoaching.com
Wow.. I just got back in town and was checking emails and found your blog on VN… and started to read all the responses..WHAT a relief to hear so many similar stories.. My daughter is 26 and has been breaking my heart for 12 years. I remarried 4 years ago and my husband and I are raising my daughter’s 6 yr old daughter, who is precious. It is so hard to let go of my daughter… I am trying to learn how I can love her and not help her anymore.. Alanon has always been a lifesaver t me… but I do not go every week… it would be more beneficial if I did and had a sponsor.. I want to keep in touch with you and others experiencing this.. more later, but for now – thank you so much for posting and sharing and getting this all started.. bless you.. I think there is a sisterhood of us!!!!
Keep pushing yourself to go every week, and I will do so as well. I know that I need a weekly “fix” to listen and stay focused on me.
Lucy, My son went into rehab today. He was scheduled to go in on April 28th, but since he got fired from his job in mid-March he has been doing nothing but drugs. Getting them anyway he can. Anyway an amazing series of events took place this week to get him there early. On Tuesday morning his girlfriend called the police because he was violent with her. Seems that when he withdraws he gets angry and violent. As soon as I heard, I left work and went to fill out the paper work for his involuntary commitment. I asked that the hearing be the next day, was told it usually took several days. I went the the city attorney’s office and asked if they could do anything to speed it through. They gave me no guarentees but said they would try. Well they did come through and the hearing was yesterday. My son was committed and required to show up at the drug rehabilitation clinic by 5:00 PM today. His girlfriend and I took him there. It’s just a first step, but he’s in good hands and will have help detoxing and get counseling. He has to stay 21 days and has the option of continuing on for 14 more after that. He wants to quit and get better. I and many others are praying for him to be succesful.
i am amazed at your wisdom, insight and strength. I am the ex-wife in your story. I watched my smart funny talented husband of 25 years destroy himself with alcohol to the point I could take it no longer. I am now the single mother of 3 teenagers… my inlaws cried for 6 months when I announced the divorce… I know how hard it is to watch this of a spouse, it must be really difficult when you have to watch your own child on his downward spiral. you are doing great.. these are tough times
I just went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight and all I can say is – why did I wait so long? My daughter who just recently relapsed had been asking me for six months to go to Al-Anon. I figured she was getting better so why did I need to go after all I am very busy doing other things for her and her family. If your child, grandchild, parent, friend or spouse mentions that you need to go – GO!! It won’t hurt actually it feels very good.
Just found this thread. Like so many others here I too have walked the line between giving in, giving up, or getting out. When I thought there was no salvation left for my daughter I had seriously considered suicide but then something miraculous happened. I met an angel.
He came at the exact time I thought I would get in my car and wrap it around a tree somewhere so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of it anymore. Yes this was a total stranger who walked up to me and said I know your pain, I can help you, if you can just hold on a little longer.
The world works in mysterious ways sometimes. I didn’t go to AlAnon because I was ashamed that I could have let this happen to my girl. Instead i started writing because I kept hearing my angels voice in odd ways, at times when I felt abandoned by the world. I started talking back and writing it down so that it would be real. This in no way stopped my daughters addiction but it helped me get through nearly a decade of self loathing and hatred of her addiction. It helped me get through my self-hatred because I was the mom, the glue factory, the one that could make everything better with a kiss and a hug.
I published my diary,”Dancing With The Devil”, because I wanted others to know that you have to hang on. That does not mean you should enable them, it means you have to hang on to the good things that get you, as a mother, a woman, through each day.
Each time I thought she’d hit her bottom (she used everything) I would take a deep breath and think it was over, but she was living in a ‘bottomless pit’ of bottoms. After her last rehab nearly two years ago we were excited, finally, because through several months or work on her part she had finally gotten sober. We waited anxiously for her plane to come (we had sent her out of state) and then we waited some more. The stewardess called me and asked that question you never want to hear…
“Are you the mother of…?……The paramedics are on the way………They’ll call you……”
Blah blah blah.
I had been turned to stone.
She, like many other addicts come out of rehab only to decide they want one last hurrah. She had overdosed on Heroin, her last drug of choice.
Well, I finished writing the book in that horrible little cubicle in the emergency room under those awful glaring lights because I knew that if I didn’t I would surely lose all of myself that night. As I watch the heart monitor race up and down , back and forth I realized that I never had the power to fix her. I knew then I had to let go and let the higher powers watch over her.
The good news is…..that WAS HER VERY BOTTOM!
She’s been sober 2 years coming up on May 21. She’s gone back to school to become an esthetician and is muddling her way through life now in a much better way.
She calls me her angel because I didn’t give up on her. I call her my angel because she taught me what I needed to know about myself. That I am stronger than I think, that I have the capacity to love no matter what, that I have stamina and tenacity.
Keep praying for peace for your son because that’s the right thing to do. Maybe the higher power will follow him on this journey and when it sees an opening will act to help him become the man he probably always dreamed he’d become.
Your response both staggered and frightened me. I thought the end was going to be vastly different. Thank god for angels. I know I have at least one with me. I will listen to what she says from now on.
Dear Lucy, I am sitting in my office crying. I’m crying because I feel your pain. I too, had a difficult time with my son who was days from death from alcohol and drug abuse. He was 32 at the time. His wife had divorced him. He was in and out of the hospital for pancreatitis. The doctors said he would die…for sure. I almost collapsed from pain during those days. My doctor put me on heavy meds to help me through each painful day. He was my baby, and I was watching him die. I reached out to my sister, and she helped me get him into a rehab center in Minnesota. He was there one month, then moved into housing for alcoholics. While in housing, one of his roomates regressed and died from an overdose. My son discovered him; he saw death first hand. But miracles do happen! My son continued to go to AA and four years after his last episode in the hospital he bought his first home. He has been sober now for 5 years, and I pray it continues. He continuously expresses his love and gratitude to me for helping him, even though when I was first trying to help him years ago he resisted with much anger. I am so grateful to my sister for helping me through the rough time, and I thank God he is alive today. We have had 5 wonderful years since he went into rehab, and I look forward to many more. Believe me, I know you are hurting…but keep loving him the best way you can, and believe in miracles. They do happen!
Lucy Girl, Do you feel the love from all your sisters??? You are certainly not alone…I believe there is comfort in that!! Stay with Alanon!
Lucy,
I lay in bed each morning feeling calm until I remember what I have going on in my life right now. My son who is 28 years old has been an unbelievable nightmare. It started at age 16 and escalated for a decade. I also feel like I am on a roller coaster of emotion. One minute I am hating him and what his life has done to mine and the next minute I am feeling so sorry for him that I want to do anything and everything I can to protect and help him. I have felt the guilt of how empty his life seems. I have blamed the disease and then feel sorry for him again. I have blamed him and the hate sets in.
He is facing court and jail. It is tearing me up inside because I take him to court and feel so weak in the knees and my heart feels like it is going to explode. He is 6’5 and very emotional. I fear for myself during these times because he has done things like tried to jump out of the car at the speed of 70mph. He actually has been sober since last April but to me he feels like a time bomb. He threatens S at every turn. He has even attempted it by drinking antifreeze a couple of years back.
I have been to al anon and I do not know why but it does not bring me peace. Maybe I am not far enough into this journey yet.
I have to say the pills were his worst addiction. They changed him and he became a monster. They will do anything to get money to support this habit. And the crazy thing is they really do not even feel high from it anymore just normal. They do not want to get sick. He actually wd from these under the worse of circumstances in a concrete cell. Under a suicide watch with only a hospital gown on that reached his waist. No pillow, blankets or any comforts besides water. This was the end of his prescription pill addiction.
I am a normal loving person, a special education teacher, have two lovely college age daughters, two cats an amazing English Lab dog. What happened to my beautiful blonde baby boy I cannot explain. There is no insurance and so the help he can obtain is limited at this point.
He knows I have a difficult time saying no to anything but it is getting easier. The other day he asked me what happened to my “charitable heart”? I laughed out loud on that one. My heart is full of charity but it is sick of being sick. And that is what happens to us. We become so emotionally tied to these young men that we become sick with them.
So Lucy as you can see by the level of responses here you are not alone. I hit upon this site by “accident” today but now I am sure my angel brought it to my attention. We are moms and we love our children. But love can take many forms and the strongest one will involved letting go. And letting go will look ugly on the outside but perhaps one day the true form of it will shine through to them.
I will think of all of you as I drive my son to court and then to jail. I will ask that you all hold a prayer in your hearts for us. For safety and for guidance.
Kay
Dear M, Hi, I read your story. Your Frustration must feel like your life is unbearable, LIke your the oly one who feels so bad. I will pray for you. I wish I could go to Al-Anon to maybe get some perspective or feel a little better. I am sitting here in my family room, wishing it was better. My life is over. My 21 yr old son was killed in an accident. His friend was driving and ran into a tree. He is fine, my son was killed. My son was a senior in college and I never had one day being upset with him. ..At least you can here your son’s voice. Just tell him you love him. I wish I had that chance Joyce
Dear Joyce, I am so sorry for your loss. There are grief support groups that may help. Please don’t say your life is over. There are others that still love and need you. Try to continue on for them and for yourself.
Joyce, My heart goes out to you – the tragedy of losing a child feels unbearable – I have witnessed it and I wish you all the support and comfort you can get. One specific resource is called Compassionate Friends – it is an organization that is made up entirely of parents who have lost children for any reason. I know about it because a very close friend (whom I met in Al-Anon, actually) had a similar experience to yours. Her son died when he fell asleep at the wheel (not drunk, just shouldn’t have been driving so late at night – he was 1/2 mile from home). I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting with her – and know that there is support there. You are not alone – many parents have lost children – Sadly, every day there are more. I hope you can find the strength and courage to take care of yourself - reach out for others - support is out there.
oh 2 other things: you CAN STILL go to Al-Anon if you want to- trust me on that one (I’ve been a member for over 20 years). Call your local office and ask for information. And 2: listen for your son’s voice and spirit – talk to him – no matter what your specific beliefs are, why not consider the possibility that although his body is not alive, his spirit may be. And if it is, he knows you love him and would be happy to hear you tell him again. And he doesn’t want you to suffer because of him – it is a tragedy and it was an accident. And you didn’t cause it. Best of ‘luck’ with everything now and be gentle with yourself if you can.
Thank you for being open. Our family just went through my 38 year old son leaving his 6 year old daughter and 2 year old daughter. He left the state. All the adults were in deep pain as parents and grandparents. The cutting pain subsides for us (at times) but the daughters remain in deep loss and we give the support to them as we can. But no one can replace daddy. I can be angry until I prick myself with the thought, “What if one of us, any of us, died today?” And then the only response is patience and love. Or I think of war zones and how do grandparents and parents survive the loss of their children to war and how do I learn forgiveness and true love. How do I manage myself and be loving. It aint’ easy.
Dear LucyB,
Several years ago, I would have read your note and responded with a personal story of my own frustration, anger at times and sense of powerlessness, with respect to my own son. I cannot comment on Al Anon, for I have no experience with them, although I celebrate the relief and renewal it has brought others who have responded.
For myself, I have come to realize, during my journey of the past few years, that I alone can be responsible for my happiness or unhappiness. When I expect someone else, such as a child, or something else, such as a job, to make me happy, I set myself up for disappointment. It takes work and it isn’t always easy reminding myself.
I work hard at finding things that make me feel good or make me happy. That might be listening to the birds celebrating spring, smelling the holly blossoms, feeling the sun on my face, or watching clouds in a rich blue sky. When I am in that place, I can think about what I want, my own dreams, rather than what I don’t want – like kids craziness. Those simple things, or whatever it is for you, can put you in a place, if only briefly, where you can dream about the life of your design.
A wise man taught me that in all painful and sometimes seemingly disastrous situations, we are given a gift. Sometimes we need to look further than in others, and yet I am certain that in the pain you have been feeling, a gift is there waiting for you. I look at your picture, and see great beauty and hope that you can also look inside and see the warmth and wonder that is yours to explore and celebrate. I hope you will find that place in your heart and in your thoughts that feels good.
Lucy, I too have cried oceans of tears. I use to keep thinking that he’s going to get the right ideas someday. All’s I can say is don’t stop loving him in your heart and do the right things by yourself first. Adult children just like the other children in the family need to learn to be helpful. And when they are not helpful there are consequences. He has made his own choices. They aren’t the right ones and he will suffer at some point. Substance abusers have what I call trick bags. They can’t stop lieing or keeping secrets. Keep that it mind when he contacts you again. It’s the head game of it all that turns them on and wrong. Celebrate your own sobriety and don’t let him push you into what he’s got going. That’s what they do. Save yourself and don’t worry about anything else. If I were you I’d scoop up that grandbaby and hug and kiss them. Your son is missing that everyday. It’s simply his loss not yours.
Al-anon maybe helpful for you now and for years to come. I also found good friends and support there. But what was better for me was getting involved with the parent group associated with his treatment program. That was the winner for me. I’ll never forget all of the tears nor will I forget all of the pain.
I am working hard to be focused on my own life. I will get back to Al Anon this week. I need to listen and to heed. I don’t know if its for me longterm, but the value and the ideas are there. I need to use them.