My oldest called yesterday. He is on a trek west. I have no idea what that means. Just going west to see things he’s never seen before. Of course, this is on the cusp of getting out of a 7 week residential treatment that was only supposed to last 4-6 weeks. But out he is one week later than he was supposed to be, and on his way with his new girlfriend to see the sights. His company continues to pay him disability which allows him the ability to travel while his ex works to support their son. Do I sound bitter?
He called me to check in. I haven’t asked him to check in. I am supposing he wants me to take the call so that I can reassure everyone else that he is fine and dandy. After I have spent many evenings discussing how to handle this situation, how to respond to him, and whether or not I should head 2 1/2 hours to his treatment center next week to participate in a family orientation. I guess I won’t have to worry about that decision any longer.
When the call first came in, I ignored it. I didn’t pick up the phone because I was actually amazed that he had called. I am looking forward to getting to the point where he can no longer stun me. Mostly I ignored the call because I had no idea what to say. I know I’m very angry about this whole turn of events. I know he is nowhere near the bottom of this spiral, and I don’t intend to spiral downward. But there’s the phone call.
I returned the call. No answer. Until I had walked into a shoe department, and then the return call came. This time I took it. Walked out of the shopping center to do so, and there was his voice. My lost 37 year old son who thinks what he is doing is of no real concern. He has an apartment from which he will be evicted, an unpaid power bill that has resulted in the power being turned off, and furniture, including a brand spanking new washer and dryer.
S: What’s going on?
M: For real? You are calling me to ask what’s going on?
S: Yep. Stayin’ in touch like I said I would.
M: I’m working to keep my life together. Whatsup with you (some sarcasm and mostly anger in this response)?
S: Just going west to see some cities.
M: J, Don’t call me anymore. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t understand what is going on with you. I think this is insanity to the 10th degree. I don’t know why you wasted 7 weeks in a treatment center, spent well over $3000 for your own room and board. I don’t know if you are supporting your son, or wishing he didn’t exist. I don’t know if you are sending money to your ex-wife, or expecting her to do all the work to keep a roof over your son’s head and food on the table. I don’t know anything about you. I’m tired of being hurt and angry because of your completely self-centered life. Don’t call me. Call your sponsor. I’m done. I will have a heart attack if this continues. Don’t call me anymore.
S: Oh, ok.
Bye.
That was it. Bye. Then I lost it. Sat in the shoe department of Dillard’s and cried my eyes out. One lady asked if it was allergies. I responded, no, children.
I came home and walked around my house, picking up things, folding clothes, getting my table organized. I talked a lot to me. I’m not thrilled with sharing my pain (except on anonymous blogs), never have been. Probably no one is, really. But there I go thinking everyone feels like I do. So that part likely isn’t true either.
I only called one person. My minister, who has an uncanny ability to make me feel better by focusing on things completely outside myself or my problems. I did some good with myself — the talking, I mean. I talked about how important many of the responses I’ve gotten here on VN are. How many others have walked in my shoes, and cried, and then stood up to walk again. I talked about how he is lost in his own sad world right now, and the choices he is making are those that are purely selfish because he can see no one else right now, and perhaps never has. I talked about the fact that I could make some selfish choices too, and an important one is the ability to keep myself healthy by refusing to participate in his rather sordid life.
I also thought about how I don’t want to talk about this anymore right now. I don’t want to open up to people to give this info to because I’m so tired of my life being centered around a son who is totally centered around himself. Tonight I will attend my first Al-Anon meeting. I simply couldn’t go last night. The pain was raw, the wound was gaping, and the energy level was below negative. Today I awake with the desire to get off this roller coaster for good. I know it will take work and awareness to do that. I am guessing it will have to come from support from others who have endured this type of burden. I am ready to go there.
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Hi Darcy
I always appreciate your comments. Emasculating a man means not letting him have his DNA role of being a man. It happens when we take control and literally want to wear the pants versus letting him.
It's very hard for Boomer women to
My heart goes out to you because I have been there. It is 4 years since I saw my son and he told us he is coming back next January. Life has been a lot less traumatic for awhile and we don’t know what to expect but through prayers and love I hope we get through it. I feel we will and I pray you do to.
Thank you. I truly don’t know what the emotions would be for me if he announced he was coming back. Back to what, I suppose I would ask. His home is gone, his wife has left, his son doesn’t even want to hear his name. What is there to return to? One must create one’s life and I do believe we reap what we sew. In my own case, I hope that those I love are compassionate and forgiving. I hope that if that time comes for me, I can be as well. I wonder.
A very deep and heart-felt thanks to all who have posted here. I am meditating and continuing with the Al-Anon program as much as possible. Things are happening to my son somewhere out there – I understand he has finally lost his job. So who knows what that will mean for him. Perhaps a tiny sounding of a wake-up call. But I’m focused on my life and the positives in it. As much as I can, I am keeping my eyes on the wonders around me – those things that make me want to wake up in the morning and embrace the incredible good that has come my way. That includes this wonderful blog and you who have reached out with love and understanding. I am keeping on – one day at a time, sometimes 1 hour at a time, sometimes 15 minutes. But I’ve had some great responses from students in my classes – people who want to be encouraged and need that positive word. That’s where I’m putting my attention for today. Love to you all, and thank you so much.
i have read most all of the comments. i am 52 and thankfully, my three grown children are doing well. i am the addict/alcoholic, “non practicing” at the moment (one day at a time) it took my parent’s a long time to quit giving me money,finally cut me off.it was hard for them and they worried about what i was going to do to support my habits. i stold, got prescriptions from doctors, returned things to stores for cash, and even forgery which landed me in jail. this was in the late 70′s, early 80′s and i was in my early 20′s, but still knew better. it’s just addiction IS a terrible disease that takes a hold of you and a person has to be SO strong to overcome it. the best way to do it is to ask for help. noone wants to admit they are powerless, but they just HAVE TO DO IT.
ANYWAY, i thank my parents for saying no and making addiction too hard to deal with. of course, the final reason i quit it all was because i became pregnant and giving a child a chance at a good life was enough for me to get help. our first daughter was born on mother’s day 1982. we shared with them the struggles we went through with addiction, and i feel that helped them to be the wonderful people they are today. of course, addiction DOES run in families, but we’re hoping it’ll never hit our lives again. our oldest just completed her CRNA program, our middle daughter has a master’s in education, and our baby boy receives his RN at the end of may.
SO, no matter what side of the fence you are on.. life is just hard at times. the decisions we make may always keep us wondering, but if the decision you make for yourself works out for you then all you can do is to continue living your life, “one day at a time.” our children will have to go through life learning along the way, just as we had to. everyone needs to grow up and actually, you have helped yourself to grow up as you show your son to do so also.
Thank you. Deeply. I need to know both sides of this struggle. I still refuse to be an enabler, I love deeply in my heart, it hurts badly to say “nothing” when asked what I know or have heard from my son. But I want nothing until he decides that he is bigger than the addictions and he will take parental responsibility for loving and providing for his son. When he stands up and says that he will not tolerate recreating his own father’s life. When he realizes that to be love you must give love. And it isn’t the words that count the most. It is the actions. I asked that he not call. He hasn’t for over a month. That is the way it is to be, and I must leave my pain inside because to continue to talk about it is to drive myself slowly but surely insane. We all have to make our own mistakes. It is reality – and yet so deeply painful when the mistakes and learning hurt so many around you. Yet how different is that from any mistake we make? If these could take place without dragging our family’s down… And if …. and if. As my advisor would say, that is “what if” history, which doesn’t exist. Much of it is about learning for me as well. Thank you again, for sharing.
I live on both sides of the addiction struggle. I have been in A.A. for 16 years( one day at a time, following the 12 STEPS and getting back to God). I drank over the line, alcoholically, after my 19 yr. old daughter died. Looking back, I see that was no excuse – I isolated from friends, tried to be strong on my own, which of course, didn’t work. My husband, I remarried, – has been in the prog. for 34 yrs. We now go because we love going, not because we have to. Also, only after going into A.A. was I able to understand that I hurt others, not just myself, due to my addiction(it is impt. to own it is my addiction, not anyone else’s) and I had become self-centred, not seeing my 16 yr. old daughter who also almost died was going through a very deep grief( they were in a car accident together, malfunction of the brakes). I had to get rid of the guilt from my selfishness, and was only able to through the grace of God and this prog. It was a relief to make amends to the ones I felt my drinking had hurt. I work with other women now, who are trying to live the right life, without alcohol, as their sponsor and my husb. works with men. The phrases to sum up the whole prog. are “Trust God, Clean House, Serve Others”.
Now, however, I go to Alanon( my husb. used to as well), have gone through the 12 STEPS there as well – an alcoholic married into the family and I have now seen it from the other side. Alanon has saved my emotional life in the last few yrs., supportive people(men and women) with who I can share – it also helps each person look at how to make their own life better, get out of our own circumstances and help others. I’ve really lived on the slogans – Let Go and Let God, Live and Let Live, One Day At A Time, Keep It Simple, Listen and Learn, Easy Does It. The Serenity Prayer is impt. to me as well. It has been hard, as my daughter is not talking to me, we just started seeing our grandchildren after almost a yr., but God haS worked things out and still is in His time. Our faith means everything to us, we pray and ask His direction every day. I will always keep going to Alanon, as it helps me grow as a person, as well as deal with situations that come up in all relationships. Keep going back!
Dear Lucy, I think you are so heroic and strong for speaking up and sharing your pain, and I am gratified to read that you are receiving help from AlAnon and elsewhere. As you can see and feel from all of these posts, you are not alone and all of us applaud your courage and wish you continued strength. I just wanted to note that you mentioned somewhere that your troubled son is not your only child. I hope your other children are doing well and able to provide some addtl. support for you. As the functional sibling of a troubled brother and sister, it was extremely painful for me to watch my beloved Mom “rescue” both of them time and again from a myriad of crises, including many drug-related. All of us had a wonderful childhood, yet they somehow managed to successfully play the “victim” card (due to the untimely death of our Dad) in a way that guilt-tripped my poor Mom until her death. Don’t ever let your son do this to you and his siblings. Only he is the architect of his poor choices and future; you are NOT to blame for any of his problems. And you would certainly be doing no one any favors, least of all him, to come to his rescue in any way, shape or form. Our Moms don’t live forever, as my siblings eventually had to learn. From years of conditioning/enabling, they apparently believed I would become a Mommy substitute after Mom was gone. I have had to repeatedly let them know that no one ever has, or will again, love them as much as their Mom, and certainly not me. Lucy, you are doing exactly the right thing, for yourself, your son, and your other children. Congratulations, and keep up the good work. We are all cheering you on!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am new to addressing my problems with this epidemic called “co-dependency” so I will limit this response to offering my support. I could feel your “exhaustion” in expressing what you have been going through. I know many of us welcome being able to vent at times, then feel our energy draining by the focus we contribute to those person(s) in our lives. I continue to feel hopeful and positive that we can become more “educated” in putting our lives in perspective. I know that we can survive through all this, especially with the support from others … my thoughts are with you.
My family of nine siblings certainly all have their own issues and the children of some of them have been worse than others. My daughter is 14 and though I doubt she would just take off (where would the money to finance her escapades come from?) I must always be prepared that at a certain age they CAN just take off. My brother is bi-polar and for those of you who are not aware of the ramifications of this schizophrenic disease, it’s a disaster to one’s sanity. Manic episodes are followed by attempts at very odd behaviors, such as walking into the ocean while thinking you are God and can walk on water. Of course, it doesn’t help to drink and do drugs while on pyschotrophic drugs, either. My brother is in his late 50s, too, so age is not necessarily an indicator of anything. Your son has a child to take care of but isn’t it better that he is out of the picture rather than to be abusive to a child or the mother of the child who sees the importance of raising that child? Hopefully, you will stay in contact with your grandchild, no matter what shenanigans your son is up to. Hopefully he wouldn’t convinve the gf and baby to relocate to wherever he finally touches down.
I really feel what you are saying. I too have a co-dependent son – he has used and abused me all for money. And no matter how much I gave him – it was never enough. I finally got my own life together, found happiness (I was a widow) and remarried 2 weeks ago to a man who treats me wonderfully. My son threw the biggest fit in the world, he even trashed both of us on Facebook (in a public forum). I had to block him and his wife – how ridiculous. I am very conflicted – makes me feel like all those years of raising this child were a lie – he turned out so horribly vile and self-centered. And I think (and I know this is a bad thought to have) – if the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree – then it must be there is something terribly wrong with me. I wish you much luck and success in this journey, it is a road no one should ever have to face. Stay strong and get the support you need. I did not do that – as I am a lone wolf type personality and have a problem asking for help – maybe something else I need to change.
What I know is that good children come from horrid circumistances and visa versa. If you are living life the best you know how AND setting the example by taking healthy care of you, let go of the fears that the acorn doesn’t fall far. There are many oaks in his background.
Thank you Lucy – I have been repeating that to myself alot. It is very encouraging to remember this.
Lucy, My sister in-law sent this to us…and wow it is our son change a few words. He is 38 as of the end of May. He has a son because he and this young woman had grudge sex, unprotected. She thought it was her boyfriend’s baby, DNA says it is our son’s child. Confirmed when the child was 1+ year. She lives in another state and having sex with her was the last thing our son did before coming home the 1st time to “repair” his life. The child is now 3+ years old. We help her with his support, because my son doesn’t, can’t etc. (As a side line I was a single mom, never received support from my son’s father because I did not want him in his life. Because of the circumstances I have mixed feeling about my son’s financial responsibility to this child. She decided to have the baby thinking again it was her boyfriend’s child. I do not think I would allow my son contact with this precious little boy in his current state) W, our son is an alcoholic and completely financially irresponsibile!!! He has lost every thing, money, business, job, car and was on the street when I picked him up after a 4 day binge. He said he wanted to get sober. I dropped him aff at mental health and asked if he was serious because if not I was going to kiss him good-bye and tell him I loved him. He came to live with us to get sober. That was the beginning of December. Christmas was aweful. W. binged again. My husband was appalled. He had not seen what I had been dealing with before our son left to go meet his son and then returned after about a year of really BAD decisions in the other state. W had been back here for 10 months with things just getting worse. Last year he destroyed a car we had given him, (lack of maintanence), stole from us, couldn’t pay his rent, had no job etc…etc….. My husband wanted to give him another chance, OK we needed to be on the same page. W said he had been sober for about 3 months when his sister got married. True in fact BUT what we heard was mom, dad I am not drinking, truth was W had had shots when out at the bars. Sober yes, so a true lie. Easter was the absolute breaking point for me. W said he wanted to be able to drink. He knew the condition was no alcohol if he wanted to continue to live at our house. Husband needed to be able to say go. Well not quite yet. It finally happened for my husband. (I am leaving lots out because I would be writing for days)
I told W last night he has until July 1st. I cried later. I know this has to happen and W will live or die. I believe his bottom is death. I pray he will find himself.
Barb, My heart aches for you and your husband. I have 23 year old son, addicted to ocycontin. He is living out of his truck right now because he would not take a drug test to prove to me that he was clean. That was the condition for him to live at home after his brief 21 day stay at a treatment center. I petiotioned that courts for involuntary commitment for him, they would not require more time. He came home sober, but did not last very long. Before he went into treatment he stole some checks from our account and wrote them to himself, he stole my husband’s power tools and pawned them, he stole money from us where – actually my husband’s entire coin collection.
After he came out of treatment it appeared for a time he was going to be OK, but then no, he was back to his old tricks. Stealing, lying, more stealing. He has been out of our house for a month, he’s working, he’s going to school and he’s still taking drugs. It’s hard not to help him or try to fix his problems, I pray for strength everyday.
I pray for both of our sons.
i have gone through the pain of addiction with my son. You never think that that bright, beautiful boy will end up an addict on the street and subsequently in jail. Over the years he has been in and out of rehabs. He is now about 7 or 8 years clean and is married to a beautiful women who I thank God for everyday. My mistake was enabling my son although at the time I didn’t realize that I was. It took NARANON to help me understand. He stole everything he could from me. When he stole the last jewelry that I had, something clicked inside of me. I realized that his addiction was becoming my addiction and he was dragging me down with him. I knew he had no money, no friends left, and no where to go. But I couldn’t take it anymore mentally or physcially and I threw him out. He lived on the streets for a while, slept on the subways and shoplifted to buy drugs, cigarettes, whatever, until he finally got caught. He landed in jail and had 4 counts againt him with a 4k bail. He would call me every night asking me to bail him out but i stood my ground and wouldn’t do it. He was in jail for 4 months until all the counts, one by one were dropped. When he got out he went straight to a meeting, got himself into a rehab, and then got himself into a recovery house. As I previously said that was about 7 or 8 years ago, but an addict’s personality never changes even if they aren’t using. He frequently gets depressed, won’t talk to anyone about his problems, and is very secretative. I wish I could say that he will never use drugs again but I can’t. There is no recovery from this destructive disease. Anyway, I wish anyone going through this well. But please – you have to let go.
Here it is February of 2013. Many things have changed, including both me and my son. He has moved away and has relatively little to do with any of us. This continues to hurt my middle son, but I have accepted that he will live how he chooses. He is working and supporting financially my grandson. He even sees him now and again. I had dinner with my son this past Friday evening, the first time I had seen him in months. It was a very nice dinner. He accepts his mistakes, is going to AA, taking his medication, and working 45 hours a week. Things can change. I hope for a stronger relationship at some point, but I hope with the awareness that it must come from him first and I do it it cautiously. We are out of the eye of the storm, so I know now that you can get out of it. He knows I love him but will not save him. My best to each of you for living through this and keeping sane. You can do it.