How many people live inside of your brain? How many mini-personalities reside there with the ability to impact your behavior in differing situations?
In my first foray into therapy at the age of 21, I discovered during hypnosis that there were five inside of me. Four I recognized when they appeared and was able to identify them. There was one that was a hidden little girl, full of pain, and fearful to expose herself in my personality. No wonder I was not familiar with her. The five have since melded into three, and I usually recognize what parts they play in my rather unorthodox life.
This may sound odd to many of you. I’m not schizophrenic, and these are not individuals with differing names. I’ve seen “The Three Faces of Eve.” Many times. Fascinating story which I’m not sure I believe. However, in my situation, these women inside of me likely came about to save my life during bad times, but the downside is they may have caused me more than a few bad times themselves. This is simply my way of looking at the different aspects of me- the parts who deal with different problems, people, and situations.
I am creative, responsible, determined, risk-taking, maternal, loyal, active, intellectual, demanding, difficult, angry, enthusiastic, disorganized, forgetful, goal-oriented, playful, and so much more. Many of these characteristics are part of each of the three personalities that reside inside of my head. Some more than others.
The first one is the little girl. In the past couple of years, I have not allowed her much playful time. She likes to take hikes, invite people over and to heck with the house, learn new games, paint, play with clay, get dirty, and generally behave like a 6-12 year old who just wants to have fun. I have neglected her terribly, and I plan to let her out more in 2010 – in fact, a lot. I think she is a very important component to my life and makeup and I believe I will be a lot happier with her release. I think she balances the responsible side greatly and helps me to feel that I am important.
The most out-there person is my responsible side. She is the one who says I’m sorry a lot, makes sure that everyone is well taken care of, extends compassion to others, spends too much time working in the house, and likely causes the little girl to hide. I think this person receives lots of feedback from others about how “good” she is, and that makes her want to dominate my world. She cooks (quite well actually) and loves to make others feel at home. What she also does is over-commit, and then resentment builds inside of her. She is often the angry person who feels taken advantage of – two sides of the same coin. Then again, maybe it is the little girl who gets angry because she too has to spend the time cleaning the kitchen, folding clothes, making beds, making plans, etc., etc., etc. Something to think about.
Finally, there is the professional woman. This is the one I wear easily. She can advise others, teach, write, and carry herself quite well. When she walks into a room, she can take charge fairly quickly (sometimes too much so), and make others feel important and interesting. She can be a lot of fun as well, but the downside of her is the alcohol. She likes to drink and release her feelings (are there any?) of inhibition. She doesn’t like for the maternal side to be in charge, because then she gets little attention. And she likes attention. What she doesn’t enjoy is being maternal.
I know may seem like an odd blog entry but I think it is mostly about my 2010 resolutions. Perhaps it will help you to think about the different people inside of you. Which ones are helpful, which ones cause pain, which ones need more outlets to make you feel whole. Maybe your little girl needs to come out and play more, too.
For that little girl, I’m going to concentrate on allowing her to come out and play more. With regard to the maternal side, I will make myself think twice – 24 hours? – before I allow her to over commit. She makes me nuts during Christmas. I will seek more opportunities for the professional woman to excel. I think that balances me much better, and perhaps will control the need for alcohol to calm me. Here’s to a more rounded 2010.
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p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
I love you Lucy. My little girl took over and learned how to inline skate at age 54-55. Opened up a whole new world for her to play in.
And during the last 5 years which I would call difficult years, I knew when I wasn’t having any fun, alll things got out of balance. Way too far out of balance.
Your post is so poignant.
I don’t think of my inner selves as different people but I sure as hell know I have a committee in my head that I have to occassionally call to order.
Catharine, you made me laugh out loud. That committee thingy makes me nuts. Thank you.
Lucy, thank you so much for sharing this! It’s nice to know that what I am experiencing and feeling is not out of the ordinary, especially at this point in my life (I’m 54). I was beginning to think of these aspects of myself as masks, but your blog post helps me to see that we all simply have various facets…just like a gem stone.
Lucy
I really identified with the themes in your post. Thank you. There is a book called Multiplicity about the many people inside of us that I found helpful and you and others here in our community might as well.
I wrote about it here
http://www.movingfrommetowe.com/2008/08/05/how-many-personalities-are-inside-you/
This is sooo true!! I have always thought that I have at least two different me’s inside of me…Now at the after 55 age I know there are even more….=] It is an exciting time in my life…as those other “girls” appear…Sure I miss my younger self, a little, because I looked so much better then I thought I did at the time and with my “today” added wisdom, that me could have really rocked!! But, the blossoming of my other personas make me a much more fun person to be around, not so uptight, square, and judgemental…though these sides do come around now and then, they are not the dominates….Good blog!
Hi Lucy,
I like your coming out and to realize that you have different personalities that appear on different occasions. But, my dear, that is not uncommon. I think that everyone must adjust their attitudes when a certain situation is required. Alcohol eases some stress sometimes, but it’s never recommended. At dinner one glas of wine is fine, but otherwise, just try to stay away from it. Eat some candy or chocolates instead to overcome the craving and drink a lot of water and juices. That will help. In other words, go on a healthy diet and you will be happy. Good luck and a Happy 2010! Helga
how courageous of you to put this right out there; I so appreciate your sharing the contrasting aspects of the commanding “in control” professional woman who goes home to drink more than is good for her to balance that audacious confidence while the playful child side must wait on the sidelines and sulk. this is a real description of many women’s lives and I thank you for broaching it; I see colleagues that I’m pretty sure are bouncing back and forth from these positions but no one is talking about it yet. thanks for broaching the topic which has great relevance
Thank you kindly, Honoria. I seek to share who I really am. I think it is my best chance of living authentically.
I’ve been a therapist for twenty five years. I never intended to become a specialist working with MPD (DID). I was taught in grad school that most therapists will never encounter a single MPD client in their entire careers. Imagine, then, my surprise when I began getting letters– different handwriting, different names, different view points–all about my sessions with one women. She’d been in therapy for l0 years with various therapists, different modalities…and not one had been patient enough to get to the core
of the situation.
I’ve since worked with many courageous people who have endured experiences which have created this unique coping mechanism. I am horrified by many of my colleagues who refuse to believe in or treat this dissociative reaction.I’ve been told by insurance companies that I’m “making it up,” or “the client is making it up and I’m being naive.” It takes unimaginable strength and courage to begin the journey to healing! Nay sayers just make it harder, and make me sooo mad!
I think it is a subset of Post-traumatic stress disorder…
I admire you, the work you’ve done, your growth. I am very sorry for the things that created your selves, but I am proud that you were intelligent, resilient, and creative enough to allow the others help you survive.
And oh, the little girl! Or little boy, sometimes. What wonder and joy they have taught me, those little ones. Bless them, one and all.