I lost my way this week. I mired down in negative thinking and worries. Suddenly, everything was about me. My son’s divorce and my grandson who is now living at a distance from me. My worries about the success — or lack of — with our business. My feelings of helplessness and concern. The world revolved around me and my problems.
This happens to me on occasion. The ability to transcend it, grow beyond it, wake up and smell the roses, depends on my own desire to focus on the positive. How much do I want to change my perspective?
I reached out to a few people. Shared my feelings of fear and worry. Thought and wrote of my feelings of over-achievement and the pressure I put on me to do that. I received some wonderful responses. And that makes me realize that I’ve developed some very strong relationships.
Going to the well to get emotional support means that you have established a well, dug it, maintained it. I have been digging this well consciously for a few years. I have worked to make others know how important they are to me, with written notes, emails, phone conversations, cards. I have tried with awareness to be there for the people I care about. It gave me back tons of support this week. I am so grateful for that and the willingness on my side to reach out for others.
I am not immune to depression. This week I felt smothered. But those who I’ve cared about let me know they also cared for me. That is a great gift, and I’m exceedingly thankful for the reciprocity that is involved in such relationships.
My oldest son suffers from borderline personality disorder. He isn’t the first, and will not be the last. I’ve done what I can to support him, but frankly, my efforts will now go toward my grandson, whom he appears to have abandoned. That is an early and scary analysis, and I so hope I’m wrong. Sometimes I do want so badly to be wrong. My grandson will not be the first to survive the divorce of his parents. I plan for him to do this knowing how much I love and support him. That will take energy.
I lost my confidence in my ability to teach. But I was reminded by a call from a guidance counselor of how much I care. I’m ready to get back in the saddle, and make some demands as well as encouraging responses. Confidence will return.
If you lose your way, it’s okay. Maybe it is a test. To see if you are paying attention to the path. Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention, and maybe I was paying too much. Look for that light at the end of the tunnel. It isn’t always an approaching train. I am paying better attention now. And it isn’t all about me.
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I am soo glad you had family or friends to stick by you in your time of need. Your example of keeping up with friends and showing concern though the years paid off, not knowing when you would need them by your side. Many of us come into this age without friends cause we didn’t give the time or concern and let them go, because of new relationships in our 20′s and 30′s. VN is here also, as you make more women friends. Now go get’um.
P.S. glad you’re back from the dumps.
Thank you. I do hate the dumps.
I find sometimes it is ok to jump off the path for a day or so, follow the course of feeling low, really allow myself that time….in the end I think it helps us sort things out even better…..I’ll have a day or so of that….when I feel it coming on, I fortify with bubble baths, solitary time to think (read that brood), kind of warn those around me I am in a crummy frame of mind (like they couldn’t alread tell!), get lots of sleep and usually wake up in a better mood in a day or so…..when I am down I can’t even pretend to be a little happy or perky…yup, we need those people to wrap around us once in a while too, just like a big warm quilt.
Good luck to you. I understand where you’re coming from and wish you the best in your return to the saddle and in doing what’s best for your grandson. Don’t forget to to do what’s best for YOU, too, as you can’t be of any help to anyone if you’re in a funky spot yourself.
I’m thinking about you! Take care!
You are very kind. Thank you.
You got back up, and in the saddle again. You are fortunate to have that well to go to, we all need it. You are in my prayers today.
I am indeed fortunate. Thank you for your kind response.
Your so wise Lucy. I always read your posts. (((((((((Lucy)))))))))
“This too shall pass” was a favorite adage of my mother’s. She had the most appropriate euthamisms when we were small. As an adult, keeping perspective is trying. Being a college student again after 20+ years if nerve wracking with many projects needing completion, on top of copious reading requirements. I use to love to read . Now, I’m feeling drained. Being a student now involves taking care of family and running too many chores, with no help. That’s when I get spiritual and philosophical, just to calm my inner child. Being grateful for the day and the lessons I may learn is how I approach every morning. It’s the best and cheapest way I find to keep sane.
You have my deep empathy. I also returned to college – at the age of 47. The love of reading will return eventually, but your choices may forever be changed. I love your attitude of gratitude for the day and the coming lessons. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.