This struck me strongly this morning. I would write it in my own words, but this is so good, I’m simply excerpting a bit of it and giving credit to Paula Bloom Psy.D.
Anger is not really a primary emotion. It can be what is “easiest” to express. What is often under that anger is fear. By acknowledging your fear, you get to the root of your feelings… One of the key things to remember about anger is that many people see it as a great motivator. If you forgive for a transgression – such as the murder of a child or perhaps hurtful words – then does that mean you will forget what happened? Absolutely not.
At the same time, I think people often are reluctant to forgive because they somehow feel that if they forgive, then they are excusing the bad behavior. It’s as if we’re saying that by forgiving someone, it justifies what that person did. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Resentment is like drinking poison – and expecting the other person to die. The only one who is made sick is the one harboring the resentment.
… Resentment and anger are not only toxic, but often intoxicating. Anger can sometimes act as an antidote to feeling powerless: You can feel really powerful when you are indignant. But, like many drugs, the feeling is artificial and fleeting.
Forgiveness is really a choice we make. If we wait for the feeling to fill our hearts, inspiring us to forgive, we could spend our lives waiting. It is a decision – a conscious decision. While we don’t have control over events that occurred in the past, we have some say over what role those events play in our present.
From The toxic and intoxicating effects of resentment by Paula Bloom Psy.D.
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Well, it’s been 47 years and I am still unable to forgive and don’t think i ever will!
What prevents you? I ask this not to probe inappropriately, but perhaps to suggest gently that you look inside and see what keeps you from letting go of the poison that some other person gave you. I understand not wanting to – I have an ex that was completely useless as a father to my 2 sons. But forgiving him means I really move on, don’t nurse the anger when he forgets their birthdays (at the ages of 34 and 37). But I think it is more about forgiving me for having chosen such a lousy partner.
I have had situations in my life where I was so hurt and so angry that I didn’t want to forgive. Able or not, I didn’t *want* to forgive them b/c it felt as though I’d be letting them off the hook.
Over time, I began to understand what the lack of forgiveness was doing to me, but I can’t say I wanted to forgive the persons involved even though I understood the spiritual need to do so. I started, in prayer, by saying I was willing ‘to become willing to consider the possibility that at some point in the future I might be willing to forgive.’ *s* That was as far as I could comfortably go, at the beginning – ‘far’ being a very relative term!!
Even that mere beginning, that tiny sliver of light I was willing to let into my dark unforgiving hurt, brought increased peace. Observing that made it easier to leave off more and more of the conditional aspects of my initial prayer until finally I was willing to forgive.
Being willing to forgive doesn’t mean, though, that I invited the people back into my life or allowed them to repeat their offenses against me. It has allowed me to shrug off the anger, though. I just recognize that we can only be who we are at the moment, and at that moment long ago, they were people who hurt me, but at this moment, I am a person who won’t allow their actions to have power over my happiness and health.
I believe you hang on to anger and resentment because it gives you a sense of “power” that you bring forward when needed: a sense of power you never had before. Holding on to negative emotions “allows” you to be able to respond to others in an angry manner without feeling any responsibility. It gives you the ‘okay’ to feel bad about something. Problem is, it also holds you back from any growth or true happiness. It is dangerous and it costs you your health. Your biography becomes your biology. If you are angry or resentful, and unable to forgive, it’s time to let it go. You don’t need to go back to the past for everything that happened to you. You don’t need to dig it up for power. You are that powerful in the present. But humans hang on to the past, dredge it back up when the time is appropriate, and drag every little piece of the horror around with them. Learn to let go. Learn to forgive. There is a beautiful world out there waiting for you to enjoy. Let the ego go, move on and forgive. It’s good for YOU.
I agree with you aprilreev. What i observed Most of the people (adults) explode at wrong time to wrong person just out of stocked unhappiness not having “sense of power” that they wanted so much long time ago. The present situation what ever encountered triggered to evoke that past unhappiness. If the receiver of the explode behaviour can calm and able to analize and answer to “why? Did he/she does that than reacting back you see the truth of it. It is very true when they have those negative emotions they respond very irresponsible way not having any feelings regarding what they are doing or consequences. I noticed they are very sick out of that own stressful behaviour. They do not realise that each cell in our body reacts to those negative emotions ( negative energy)and damage your organs…systems.. initiating chronic diseases. So if we want to live longer happily we need to learn to forgive as well as human nature and not react to every second when you get different behaviour from some one. Once you understand very solid way human nature, the concept of each human being is unique, Then it is very easy to accept that they are entitled to different opinions, Most of the time people get angry when others show different opinion or when they did not buy their opinion. Once you develop that understanding you are so calm , even you can laugh loudly when the other person is up in the air out of anger. I want everybody to try this. It amaze you. you won’t believe how much your opponent shame on their own behaviour, some times later they come and ask your forgiveness.
Life is short we need to enjoy the moment not let go with stocked negative emotions. Snake heart attitude does harm to yourself more than to others.
The bad part is you cannot see this damage instantly. Well some times you feel getting increased heart palpitation. That is a sign of the damage. but most of the time, this negative emotions (negative energy), or we called stress damage slowly and gradually inside your body shrinking, and dying each cell as such loosing its duty for the body.
I love that line…it’s not only toxic but intoxicating….so, so, true…
My daughter isn’t talking to me yet another time. Yes, I slipped. I said negative things about her dad. He left me and my 3 small kids 10+ years ago. Yep, I am still angry. His life has bettered. Mine has been a struggle. I appologize, email, call. But, keep getting shut out. She is my daughter, I can’t stop trying even though she is. I feel like I am begging her for a relationship. Doesn’t feel good. But, this not talking is eating me up. Can’t sleep etc. How do we move on? When do you let go and wait?
Timing is so individual, and uncontrollable. But based on your comment “yet another time” suggests that you and your daughter have navigated this difficult road before and eventually were talking again. You don’t mention her age. I wonder if she is old enough for you to sit down with her and discuss your own shortcomings in this regard. Not the shortcomings of being a mother, but perhaps your understanding that she doesn’t like for you to make negative comments about her dad. I have 2 older sons with the proverbial useless ex, and I have done it too many times to count. I tried very hard not to do say bad things about him when they were young because I too am the child of divorce, and I know I would have “hated” the parent who did the bad-mouthing. Yet, I know I did it. I have written the “forgiveness” letter to him – that I of course didn’t mail – and I’ve let the process begin. That happened over a year ago. I told both of my sons about it, and also that I wasn’t sure it was working, but it has begun to feel real on occasion – that I’m done hating him and poisoning myself in the process. Perhaps a dialogue with her in which she is allowed to say what she feels as well. You will probably hear, “But, mom, you do it all the time!” Respond to it honestly and only use I messages. ”I know I do, honey. I’m working on it. But it is a process for me.” Whatever words feel real to you – with I messages.
I too hate to be shut out. I think I’d rather be smacked than not spoken to. My heart hurts for you.
My daughter is 21. Yes, this has occured several times before. I am not perfect, I can, and do slip. I have tried to communicate with her, but she is totally shutting me out. My mom said leave her alone, she will come around. But, so very difficult to do. I guess as the saying goes, ” This too shall pass.” Thank you for your response, and kind words.
I have a close friend who uses the TTWP. It really does work.
Easier said than done. Not talking to your child for months on end is torture. Been there done that. Am there again, the pain is deep. Hard to find peace when you are shut down in communication by someone you love.
Hi, birdlover and LucyBHoffman,
I am in the same boat as birdlover. My son of 16 seems to WANT to hurt me – what amounts to verbal and emotional abuse over issues that happened 2-3 years ago. I have moved on, and I hate to see him stuck in such useless and harmful anger.
I tried to set him up with an extremely good psychologist; he went once and then canceled the rest of the appointments.
Should I just let him throw his nastiness at me? A social worker told me that I should – just keep on taking his crap.
Obviouisly, by the words I am using to describe this situation, I am getting really tired of the whole thing.
Why should I be his doormat? Why should I allow him to continue to treat me like dirt?
How long am I supposed to endure this?
Those are questions which the social worker did NOT address.
Any suggestions? When do you just walk away (from your own son!) from emotional and mental battery?
I am shut out of his life, and believe me, that hurts. A lot.
His father has pretty much erased me from his life; won’t even wave when I drive by. His father encourages my son’s behavior. Needless to say, his father and I are divorced now, and I am SOOOO relieved to (almost – gotta do this year’s taxes & still deal with the ex) have his father out of my life.
But I love my son, and I want him to be part of my life, and to be part of his life.
Time – I think that’s what this whole situation needs. And for my son to develop his abstract reasoning skills and be able to see what his father is like (actually, he already knows his father is useless as a parent, and hates his father for wanting to be my son’s buddy instead of being his father). At least I was always a mother/parent first. We didn’t get to the point where we could be friends. Yet.
So – any suggestions would be much welcomed.
Thanks for this thread, both of you: birdlover and LucyBHoffman.
Suz55
The sad fact is that your son must do his own “growing up” and seeing for himself. As best you can, you want to model the behavior that you want him to have. Which includes not being a rug. Teenagers are difficult at best but once you add a divorce into the mix, there simply is not anything fun about it. My oldest son – the most difficult – was able to repeat things I said years after the fact. you do get through on some level.
When he is rude and abusive, I would find my own words to say, “I don’t deserve this. When you are ready to be civil, you can talk to me.” Then shut the door, so to speak. Don’t stop being civil to him when the occasion arises. But don’t reward him with arguing when he is rude. Walk away but let him know you are done with this behavior.
Won’t work the first, 2nd, or 30th time. But eventually he’ll get it. I’m sure he is aware that you are there for him and that you love him, but sometimes it requires distant love. You are not a rug and allowing him to treat you like one teaches him nothing.
Also, avoid verbal insults about his father in your son’s presence. Doesn’t matter how great he thinks his dad is (and that hurts a lot) just don’t put him down in hi son’s presence. He will be angry with you for saying the truth, not the other way around.
If there is a man in his life (uncle, friend, teacher) who can model acceptable behavior toward his family and wife, that will help your son to learn other tactics.
My heart goes out to you.
Hi, LucyB,
Thank you so very much for your response!!
I have tried to take the “high road” regarding how I feel about his father. Only once did it slip out of my mouth (my son was talking about how broke his father was) that perhaps his father shouldn’t be spending $700.00 on a fish tank and another $330.00 on supplies for it. I couldn’t help it – I just blurted it out. (Yes, I am human!)
For the rest of our visits together, I have bitten my tongue. I have made it a point to NOT say anything negative about his father: my son is smart enough to fiigiure things out. During his one visit with the good psychologist, my son told the psychologist that he was angry with his father because he (the father) wanted to “be buddies” with him, and what he needed was a father. That’s pretty astute thinking for a 16-year old, I think! (Can you tell I’m proud of him?)
The last time I saw him, we got into a heated discussion, and he cussed me out twice. I told him to leave after the second round of him cussing me out – and he actually looked momentarily startled!
I will simply not allow my own son to cuss me out. He went over the line.
That was going on two weeks from now, and I have one more visit with him before I move out of state.
I would like so much for our last visit to go well.
Yet, I am certain that he is angry with me for leaving town (he’s living with his father), and I expect further nastiness.
Part of me really wants to see him before I leave town; part of me just wants to throw in the towel and cancel the last meeting, because of the nastiness.
My gut feeling is that I really need to be there for him before I leave town, so as to not add further resentments on his side of the equation. So I guess I’ll just suck it up and brace for another round of rudeness.
I think in the long run, this would be best – provided his behavior is within acceptable limits, which do NOT include cussing me out over a restaurant table.
I really appreciate your advice about not being his doormat or rug. He blames me for “destroying the family”.
Given that problems between us really started when I found him at age 14.5 getting naked in his bathroom with his 18-year oldgirlfriend, and I had the audacity to try to talk with her about contraception (she wasn’t using any!!!), he and his father got angry with me for sticking my nose in my son’s life where they didn’t think it belonged. My ex didn’t mind when I found used condoms in his waste-paper basket, either.
the JUDGE in the divorce felt very strongly that sexual relations between the two (it’s actually statutory rape/child sexual abuse) should not be allowed or condoned in the house. Plus, once I moved out, she moved in. The judge said she needed to be out of the house.
My ex did nothing.
What do you think? (besides the fact that I’m really, really lucky to almost be rid of my ex!!!)
Again, thanks so much for your reply.
It really helped/helps! SO – meet with him (my son) or not, regardless of the outcome? Suck up the nastiness/acting out?
Like I said – I’m kind of inclined toward the latter.
Suz55
PS: You were spot on when you said that “anger is intoxicating”. Both my son and my ex are really drunk on that emotionally - but I suspect that my ex is enjoying it more than my son is. My son, underneath all that anger, seems just so sad – it breaks my heart that my ex can’t see beyond his own needs and do something to help my son. But then again, that’s why he’s my ex. He and his needs have always, always come first. Yes, I hope that my son can find a good male role model. He plays music, and really likes his Band/Orchestra teacher. And his teacher seems like a very good man. So I’m hopeful there.
Because he’s NOT going to get a good male role model from his father.
Thanks again for your response, and for letting me vent.
Suz55