Here’s a new one for me. Compassion fatigue. I didn’t think up the label, but when I read the blog entry, I immediately understood. How do we deal with compassion fatigue? For healthcare workers, it likely is an issue for their own health. For mothers and caregivers, same. For caring women who do too much for everyone else but themselves, absolutely.
My problem is that I tend to get angry when I’ve given and given, and little is given in return. I’m not talking about taking care of sick people who don’t jump up immediately and take care of you. I of course do not expect nor want that. However, if down the road, I need some help because someone at my house is ill, I do expect that. And if I reach out to you in depression, I do expect some modicum of response on your good days. I am not Mother Theresa. I don’t wish to be. I’m not that good of a person. But I am a mother and close friend of many, and will be the first to show up for my friends who need help.
I want to improve here. I want to give, and not expect anything back. I want to offer everything as a grant and not a loan. But neither do I want to be a rug. It is such a fine balance for me. I am attempting to begin a daily meditating exercise in support of my own center. I’ll be glad to report later on how that is working.
If any of you have suggestions for how you do it, I’d love to hear it.
other blog entries from »
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
My current job is in the geriatrics end of the newer Daycare/Healthcare field.
I work with primarily dementia, stroke, and special needs older adults in a congregate daycare setting. It is a real burnout to do my job. I am a Programmer, which means I either am constantly mentally or physically stimulating clients though activities (both in-house or outside visitors or day trips and exercise and therapies). My boss expects different activities daily.
It is difficult to be ‘on’ all the time and come home, do my schooling, and then give time to my partner. I cannot wait for my graduation in the spring.
Like you I want to improve and do not expect anything back but my partner says i have totally lost my sense of humor and have 24/7 PMS lol even though I have yet to go through the real thing.
I also sometimes feel like a doormat and am reaching my point of no-return job-wise. I went though this once before when my son’s father was living and I was so involved in church and the community I gave little to my family. I did not work then and needed a few hobbies. I should have been paid, lol. but I was tired all the time.
A friend told me to take ‘girl’ time, bubble baths, go window or real shopping, take myself out to eat now and again, and not to neglect myself first and foremost. She was a widow with two girls and worked full-time. My partner makes me put my schoolwork aside and game or watch movies or go running … anything to take my mind off stressful and tiring situations and go to sleep ON TIME nightly. I took their advice, for the most part, and it works.
I am not a know-it-all and what works for me does not work for others. And thank-you for allowing me to vent as well. I needed this, too. Sometimes I feel just like you.
You are not alone.
“Hug”
Well, to begin with, it would have helped if I had read the original blog, but here it is; if I’m not exactly a techno-virgin (picked that one up from “scream of consciousness”) then I’m kind of like an old-fashioned bride on the day after the wedding night. There’s lots to learn. And we can start with ‘how do I get to the original blog that set you off?’ Lacking that momentarily, I’ll try to tackle this.
When my son was a teenager, many moons ago, he complained that the friend he enjoyed the most wasn’t really there for him. And I replied “how much do you get out of this friendship? Is his presence in your life worthwhile, knowing that at times you will be shunted aside? And I advised him that whatever his decision was, he should work on broadening his social circle. I’ve also found myself asking the same question about my friendships. How much am I willing to put up with? And it goes further than compassion when things go wrong, or depression sets in. When friends are consistently late, when they say “lets get together tomorrow. I’ll call you in the morning” and then they forget to call, when you are trying to explain some difficulty you are having, and they break in with “oh, the same thing happened to me” and then they’re off and running without even remembering that they were supposed to be a sounding board.
I’m a people-pleaser. Some of this probably comes from feelings of insecurity, but I believe some of it arises from true empathy. I honestly try to listen carefully, to be punctual, to remember what I’ve promised. I know that I’ve fallen short at times, but generally have had good feedback from others letting me know I’m on the right track.
And now we come to the crux of the situation. “Why aren’t they trying, too?” I ask myself moodily.
And I was told, by a man I lived with for a number of years, that if you expect people to always be sweet, tactful and caring, you won’t have many (or any) friends. So I let that marinate in my head for a few more years. Then I went back to the question I posed to my son, and added a bit more:
After deciding that I liked this person’s company, I asked myself how often this negative behavior was happening, how badly did I feel about it, was I somehow part of the equation, i.e., was I unclear in what I expected, did I forget to factor in what was happening in her life and, if she is oblivious to her behavior, does she extend kindness at other times, in other ways that are valid to me. These are the questions I weigh while at the same time trying to take my own advice and expand my social circle so that if one person isn’t there for me when I need her, another one will be. This is easier said than done when you are in the upper years, having friends who have moved away or died, but still worth doing. And looking back, I’m glad I didn’t dump friends from my life because at times I felt hurt or irritated. And, of course, there were those who deserved to be dumped because the “friendship” didn’t pass the test.
I hope this wasn’t too wordy, but this is how I deal with it all.
I am right with you. I feel like a walking hotline with all the people who want my help, but when I am down I almost pick up my phone to see if it is still working. The need I find myself having is just having friends and people to talk to and hang out with every once in a while. Then I’m usually told in a huffy attitude that they are ‘busy’ and I have to understand why they don’t give me the time of day unless they want something. And how can you go to a womans bible study for almost 2 years and not make one solid friendship? I call and invite until I’m embarassed, like I’m a bother. If you bring up the issue, boy be ready to duck! They get MAD! So I sit by myself, doing crafts or something and when I do see these people it is ‘WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I haven’t heard from you in weeks!” I check to see if maybe all their fingers are broke and that is why they haven’t called. It is so hurtful and they just don’t seem to care. Makes me sad.
And I am so with You on this subject of friendship. As I may have posted elsewhere, it really gets harder when you’re older. Friends move to be closer to their kids, or divorce and move, or pass on, etc. I’m an only “child,” live across the country from my cousins, am divorced with two grown kids. While the tide seems to be turning for me with regard to friends (at least I hope it is) what I haven’t had for most of my adult life is a really close relationship with a woman friend. You know, someone to have coffee with on the spur of a moment, to go shopping with, someone with whom you can be yourself. Earlier in life my then husband had to move a lot because of his job, but more recently I’ve been settled in the same area for three decades! I do have friends, but I don’t see them a whole lot. One is married and her husband is her priority, which I understand. Another is divorced but has many other friends besides me. Another, some years back, seemed glad to hear from me and visit if I suggested it, but somehow never took the iniative herself, and so we drifted apart. I get nice compliments from people I know. They tell me I’m fun, tactful, easygoing, good listener. Maybe they have all the friends they can keep up with. And so I joined an online group of women in their fifties and sixties who live in my area, and we do things together from time to time. While it helps, I’m not looking for 20 women to go to a movie and dinner with every 6 weeks. I’m looking for 2 or 3 women (or even 1) to talk with a couple of times a week, or even every day for a short time. I’ve done volunteering and I’ve belonged to a few special interest groups for the past few years, so I know a lot of people. I’m not shy about saying “lets get together for coffee” but if there’s no response, I’m not one to push it. I’m not averse to meeting people in online groups, but I won’t do it for individual relationships. I’d post this as a problem, but I don’t think think anyone is going to have an answer. So I try to be happy with the aquaintences that I have. At least I get to interact with people here and there.
Hi Lucy–
Enjoyed your post. As a lifelong professional caregiver (social worker, chaplain and non-profit administrator) working with this issue has been the razor’s edge for me.
What is helping me in mid-life is learning to listen to the anger that arises when there is not a fair exchange. I’m not talking apples for apples, but a balanced exchange in terms of energy. When I squelch the anger that is a natural instinct when we feel used, I’m setting myself up for victimization. Learning to listen, utilize and express that anger in helpful ways is a key for me in this issue.
Thanks again!
Beth, you are taking good care of yourself. I too had to learn to recognize and respond to the anger. I ended a longterm friendship because of the imbalance. It is coming back, but more on my terms now and with the recognition that this person cannot give what I give. In the interim, I developed other connections and re-established a friendship from long ago with a woman I grew up with. I have had to recognize that I am responsible for the relationships I encourage, and I need those boundaries when it doesn’t work. Thank you for sharing.
I took a diversion from corporate jobs in 2001 following a brutal layoff, a divorce, and some other disillusioning things. My response was to study massage for 9 months and start a private practice. I did a lot of volunteering for some very sick people (some terminally ill), some hospice work helping people die… I gave a lot. It was my life. Because I loved what I did, I learned quickly, out of self preservation and so I could continue on the journey, to do things to care for myself. For me, that meant taking off for a day a couple of times a week and losing myself on long hikes in the wooded mountains. That fed me and kept me in shape to care for others. Anyone who cares for others needs to find ways to feed herself, just as she needs to sleep, eat properly. It’s a form of spiritual hygiene.
I’ve since gone back to corporate (after 7 years) but I know I’ll return to the caregiving way of life someday.
I too have been given the gift of empathy and compassion. Add that to helps and I really take care of people. Sometimes people I don’t even know. But when I need someone and reach out I get “I’ll pray for you”. Praying is fine but you can do that driving to the grocery store. I need YOU. I need a human body friend to come over and hang out with me awhile. And we don’t have to be all heavy and such, just having a live body that I know loves me enough to make time for me is so uplifting. I had major surgery in October and didn’t feel like a human until March. I would call my “friends” and ask them to come over and spend some time with me as I couldn’t leave the house and not one person showed up in all those months – and these were Christian women, my best friends. In 5 months NOT ONE of them could have picked up lunch and came over to talk and laugh. But I got a lot of “I’ll pray for you”. I almost wanted to say “don’t bother”. Maybe its a California thing, everyones for themselves. If I did complain they got mad at ME! Friends – they are not all they are cut out to be. I’d rather be alone now and talk to strangers in the stores.
Been there, done that and have come to understand a few things in the process. In the great scheme of things, there is balance. Nothing exists without a counterpart. For there to be good, there must be evil; for sweet there is sour; for white, there is black. So for starters, it helps to accept that misery and compassion have been with us always and we can find ourselves on either side. The good news is that if you are in a position to be compassionate, you are not the one in misery. I know it’s a give and take and not that simple, but you get the idea. The thing is that when you are the healthy part of this scale, you also incur the responsibility of accepting that you are the one with choices. This is true whether you work in health care, take on causes, or find that you are just a magnet for needy friends. Some enjoy perpetual need (or want) and will take everything you have to give and when they wear out one resource, they will find another. If you’ve gotten to a stage where you are angry or think the needy “owe” you in return for your compassion, it is time to rethink your priorities. You are not the first to experience compassion burnout and come to terms with healthier choices. Here are some ideas that others shared with me – I hope they will help you.
First, thank God that you have more compassion than you have need. Second, politely reject any plea or request that you cannot give fully without expecting ANYTHING in return. Expect nothing from the recipient – no appreciation, no recognition, no nothing except the good feeling that it gave you. Third: remember that a favor is like a loan. Although not your intention, it puts the recipient in your debt and that can be such a burden that they want to avoid being in your company. Lastly, take stock of your friends. Real friends share life.
You laugh and cry together. You spend precious time together – maybe not as often as you’d both like, but quality time. Food seems to play a role. You feel welcome in each others homes whether its tidy or not. The need arising, you CAN call them in the middle of the night and you are there for them if you receive such a call. And simple as it may sound, seek the company of happy people. Take good care of yourself, and then help others.
Hi Lucy,
Here’s what I do. It’s simple yet powerful and magical, and offers a glimpse of the possibilities for creating more compassion in the world:
The Compassion Exercise
Honesty with one’s self leads to compassion for others.
Objective: To increase the amount of compassion in the world.
Expected Results: A personal sense of peace.
Instructions: This exercise can be done anywhere that people congregate (airports, malls, parks, beaches, etc.) It should be done on strangers unobtrusively, from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person.
Step 1 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.”
Step 2 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
Step 3 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.”
Step 4 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: ”Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfill his/her needs.”
Step 5 With attention on the person, repeat to yourself: “Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
”Love is an expression of the willingness to create space in which something is allowed to change.”
This is one of thirty exercises that can be found in Resurfacing: Techniques for Exploring Consciousness by Harry Palmer.
With appreciation for the compassion and care you extend to others,
Donna Hurley MD
donnahurley@austin.rr.com
Very well put. Thank you. Reminded me of a mantra I used to think about, “Everyone you meet today is suffering in some way. Be patient and loving.” I needed the reminder.