Dear Dr. Dorree,
I don’t understand what happened to my marriage. I thought it would last forever and now we are miserable and haven’t had sex for months. How do I get my old wife back? -Jackson, 54
Jackson,
Like it or not, not one of us is getting our former wives or husbands back. Among the many things they don’t tell you when you’re young is the fact that, even if you stay with the
same woman or man for your entire life, there is really no such thing as a single long-term relationship. You are actually having a series of many sequential relationships with the same person. Just like our ever-changing bodies, you change, she changes, and your relationship changes. Even if you just became aware of it, your relationship has been changing all along and it will continue to change into the future.
The good news is that you can have a big impact on where your relationship will go next. The first step is facing facts. If you or your partner is dissatisfied, then that is probably a good place to start. Sometimes, the very thing you loved about a partner in the beginning becomes the thing you can’t stand about them now. (“He used to finish my sentences, now he doesn’t let me speak.”) Or the comfort of the relationship allows deeper issues to be exposed.
Here are some of the more common stressors that typically challenge relationships.Try choosing the ones that most impact yours.
* Damaged dreams
* Poor communication
* Emotional, physical, or sexual neglect or abuse
* Infidelity or broken trust that has not been addressed or worked through
* More anger, arguing, bickering, or resentment than fun and joy
* Financial or family worries or differences of opinions about these matters
* Prolonged stress or emotional distress such as depression or anxiety
* Addictions or prolonged use of sleep medication
* Illness
* Boredom
* Unsatisfying sexual connection
Given that none of us are perfect, that we all have our issues, and we each are constantly growing and changing at our own rates (making it hard to even live with ourselves sometimes), it is a wonder that long-term relationships survive and thrive at all!
It can be very helpful for each partner to do their personal psychological work, as well as work together as a couple. Some great resources are the books and workshops by Harvel Hendrix for healing childhood issues that may be impinging on your adult relationships, particularly first marriages.
Dr. Dorree
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
I agree, except for one point. Harville Hendrix…….that won’t work (the reflective therapy) if the partner is an abuser, which means he probably doesn’t have any empathy. That happened in my case, and my (our) therapist seemed clueless. I had to stop going, as it would take me days to get over “therapy.”
The Harville Hendrix method works great, if two people are committed to working and understanding and solving problems…….however, a narcissist (abuser)……that can never work. My experience on what happened.
I believe a great majority of problems stem from childhood trauma, and of course…..brought along into our adult relationships. I also believe that the book which saved my life after 36 years of abusive “marriage”: THe Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans should be required reading for everyone on the planet.
Verbal abuse is rampant on our planet (1 in 3 women abused) and rarely recognized, nor understood. Therapists do, and can…..miss those dynamics……that also happened to me.
Alicia
Actually Alicia, I mostly agree with you, though not completely. Hendrix’s method is good for some and his book is especially good at explaining much of what goes on between couples. But, unless both parties are willing–well his method usually doesn’t work. I also agree, and am not thrilled about saying this, that many members of my profession are clueless about relationships. But, that’s for another time. Glad you finally got help for yourself. Thanks for the introduction to a book I wasn’t familiar with.
Best,
Dr.Dorree
I am amazed at how many therapists have a sexual relationship with their clients…..I know 3 personally, and my research vallidates that.
Gee, how can therapists be clueless about relationships??!! I guess that goes along with…..having sex with clients.
You are welcome for the “introduction” to a book you weren’t familiar with. If it were in my power, I wuld make sure everytherapist read that. The statistics (global) are staggering: 1 in 3 women abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted.
It is shocking and amazing to me that a lot of therapists know nothing about verbal abuse, and miss the dynamics; that happened to me….so, I educated myself and have written a 25-page paper on the subject and am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group; been on 2 radio statins, and will be on NPR Radio shortly. Member of the ACA, and keep submitting my information.
You can be that if 1 in 3 MEN had a disease, etc….the CDC would be in a panic to “fix” it. I am working like a Trojan to make a difference.
Alicia (freshman at age 63)
P.S. I also conider myself a psychologist…while I don’t have a license my credentials are experiential in nature along with many years of research on the subject which I consider to be society’s hidden “pandemic”—verbal abuse. I am an undergraduate in social work and one day will have a Master’s and be able to help people in a professional setting.
Alicia, I like what you’ve said. Been there, done that. However, I don’t believe people realize that there are many men are in the same boat with abusive relationships. I have a male friend who is in one, who has been repeatedly verbally and physically abused, and is “addicted” to this relationship. Too many men don’t speak up and feel they can take it. Unfortunately, in our society, it’s the men that pay when the abusive woman decides to play “victim”.
I feel like I should be a psychologist. Can one do that with a HS diploma and loads of experience?
Bravo!!! Life experience is a degree in and of itself and just because one has a degree, it doesn’t mean one is wise. Keep on trucking’ gal!!!! I’m with you. Oh and yes, some therapists use their confused power in very inappropriate ways!!!