Dear Dr. Dorree,
My partner has been trying for months to convince me to have anal sex with him, which he says I am going to love. I’ve never tried it before and I am afraid it might hurt. What should I do? —Maggie Rose, 59
If you don’t want to try something, you certainly don’t have to. On the other hand, it can be useful in life to have an open mind and at least consider something new. Some people like to be aroused or have orgasms from anal play, or from penile and vaginal play plus anal stimulation, with or without penetration. It’s all good as long as you like it, your partner likes it, and no one gets hurts.
If you want to give this a try, you can start with gentle touching of the anus, perhaps with a neutral lubricant designed for this purpose. If you enjoy this and want to experiment further, you can try slowly inserting a finger tip (yours or his, with the nail well-trimmed) into the anus. A relaxed anus is capable of expanding and accepting a finger, dildo, or penis. Most people who engage in anal sex thoroughly enjoy it. Anything that hurts or feels uncomfortable can and should be immediately curtailed.
If this is something you’d like to try, here are some tips for first-timers:
- Discuss it ahead of time and agree on what you will and won’t do. This is supposed to be pleasurable.
- Check your brain for any lingering myths that body parts are not supposed to be for fun. Your entire body belongs to you to enjoy as you please.
- Take a bath or shower first if you feel self-conscious about hygiene.
- Lubricate. Always err on the side of being extra wet. It feels good and prevents irritation or pain.
- Proceed gently. Anal tissues need time to expand to accommodate whatever enters. If it hurts or feels bad in any way, stop for a while and maybe try again with something smaller, like a finger.
- Give feedback about what you like and don’t like. -Remember to breathe and to bear down. People tend to hold their breath when anxious or in pain, constricting muscles that could otherwise easily relax and expand.
- Keep vibrators and sex toys clean and dry after each use. (Condoms make great sex toy covers). Consider putting a towel over your bed sheet as it is easier to wash (unless, of course, you are spontaneously bending over a chair, kitchen counter, or other creative place).
- Wash penis and sex toys before entering another orifice.
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The one thing you never want to do or let your partner do is use any kind of anal desensitizer. The anus is fine for sex play and has delicate membranes of its own. Anything shoved up the rectum too quickly or anything inserted that may be too large can tear these delicate tissues. There is no reason to ever numb the anus. The nerve endings there function on many levels and help you have pleasurable sensations and slowly feel your way toward pleasure, not pain.
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i use a combo of shea butter and aloe vera moisturizer. Works great. I use shea butter on my lips, around my eyes and nose (dry areas), My father swears by vasoline.
p.s. I dropped your name on Gina's post, Barb. ;)
Word of warning – spincter muscle can be damaged and give you problems.
Yes. Good point. That’s why I recommend slow, steady and no force and lots of lubrication
Tension of any kind works against having a positive experience.
To each his or her own….this to me is definitely an exit hole and there are too many complications to this dangerous activity…maybe the men involved have small members an would not cause no harm..but for me an many women I know this is taboo…and I do know of some who have had dam3age and cannot hold their bowels…more bacteria and issues come from this kind of sex as I say to each his or her own …but to me this can be to dangerous to be worth the temporary pleasure and the long term pain… I am especially uncomfortable with people teaching this method as” safe sex” for young people… and as Older women our bodies are more fragile and this is just to risky ladies be ware!
P.S. I have also heard men who do this , at some time get tired if they have caused the woman to lose her elasticity..and move on the next..or maybe they would per fer to be with men, putting yourself in a position to get venereal diseases and aids as thi are is sensitive and blood vessels are close to surface.
Yes. Read my comments. Of course, it’s not right or good for all.
Again. This is far from everyone’s thing. So never do what makes you uncomfortable. However, on the bacteria issue; cleanliness is a must. If something, any, object, fingers, penis, anything has wandered elsewhere in the sex process; its got to be cleaned before and after wandering. And, not just tissue wipe clean. Soap and water clean. It may sound too complicated for some to bother with. But for those who enjoy anal sex, either as an occasional exploration or as a regular part of their love life, it is worth it. As an added extra bit of info, many men enjoy a finger or object gently inserted in their anus as it touches deep internal responsive areas that often increase sensation. These guys are not perverts. The just like the increased intensity and are doing what comes naturally. Some women, even when masturbating, also enjoy the sensation of having both orifices filled at the same time. Really.
sometimes it’s difficult to stop and use soap and water … that’s when the urinary tract infections pop up. I keep extra antibiotics on hand. I didn’t try this until I was 53 (last year) with a new partner. & yes, he wanted (and didn’t know how to admit he did) the same with my finger. Once he realized I knew he wanted it too, he was able to freely add it to his spoken desires. There was nothing degrading about it … love is trust & respect in my book. he would have respected if I said no, but I decided to trust.
Of course using a condom for anal penetration alleviates the necessity of “in the moment” soap and water – as does keeping track of which fingers have been where and not using them elsewhere.
Uh, the responses here betray a lack of knowledge, as well as lack of ability to simply say, “No, I don’t want to try that.” Basically the writer of the article says this right at the beginning. If you don’t want to try this, then don’t. The thing is, the writer basically addresses every issue, including keeping clean, using protection, and GOING SLOW. Yes, it can be pleasurable if done right. Perhaps for some, if the penis is smaller, it helps. But the thing is, remember – safe, sane and CONSENSUAL. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. Sounds like some of you don’t want to have sex at all. All I have to say is, if you don’t want to, don’t. Problem solved.
Yes, Arlyss, you said it well. Dr. Dorree offers extremely helpful tips for exploring anal play IF both partners want to. We have some amazing nerve endings there, and many people enjoy anal stimuation with or without full penetration. Dr. Dorree is telling us how to experiment safely — she’s not pushing us into anything.
Thanks Joan. You put it precisely as I mean it. Though, I can empathize with people’s “turn off” when a different idea is presented. I know you can and do too.
Oh yes, Dorree, I get plenty of backlash for my ideas, too! But for every “ick” response I get to my blog posts or comments, I get plenty of (often quiet and private) thank you’s, and I’m sure you do, too.
I’ve got your book, though haven’t read it yet. Perhas one day we can do something together. Might be fun? Best with your healing—and life.
Dorree
Your comment made me laugh. I’m glad you have my book, and I hope you’ll feel like reading it soon! As for doing something together, I’d love to see a VN panel at one of the next retreats with you, me, and the other sexuality writers talking out loud about this important topic.
Great idea. I’ll respond more via email
ick
If it’s ick, don’t bother trying. What turns on one person, turns off another. Be yourself.