The online dating profiles of senior men, like senior men themselves, will variously enchant or deter you. Sometimes the ugh! factor will hit you in a matter of seconds. Sometimes you’ll linger over a profile for hours, wanting to learn all you can about a man who sparks recognition — and a glimmer of hope.
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WHAT’S IN A NAME?
On sites that encourage aliases, you’ll encounter senior men who identify themselves with tags like UGottaHaveMe, Hot4U, Passion Puppy, Dream Daddy, and Sexy Grampa. I feel uninspired, not to say repelled, by such self-conscious adorableness. More appealing are guys who call themselves things like JazzLover (identifying a pursuit) or Steve123045 (indicating a birthday). Straightforward names suggest men who are straightforward and secure. So do gently self-deprecating names. My favorite is an 83-year old who identified himself as WalksWithoutCane. I also like DrivesAtNight. At our age, whimsy goes a long way.
THE “ABOUT ME” PART
Sadly, you will come across senior man profiles that read like this: “I am warm, affectionate, and caring,” or “I am personable, outgoing, and have a great sense of humor.” If you manage to stay awake all the way to the end of sentences like these, you are a kinder, more patient person than I am. What can be learned from this pseudo-description? Nothing, that’s what.
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Take the naked assertion that a man is, let’s say, “generous.” Has he tutored a disadvantaged child, mentored a young entrepreneur, offered his medical expertise to help undernourished pregnant women in an Asian village, or established a foundation to help make the planet greener? Generosity is proved by generous behavior, as is a senior man’s claim that he is “kind.” Which means exactly — what?!? That he always says please and thank you? He phones his mother on weekends? He doesn’t abuse animals? Look for profiles that convey substantive information about what a man does or what he truly thinks about issues you think about too.
GOODBY AUTHENTICITY, HELLO “BOUGHT PROSE”
Senior men who don’t trust themselves to come across as thrilling can BUY a profile. Here’s the offer at one internet dating site: “If you get stuck, contact the profile professionals at (our site) who will help you channel your unique voice!” I feel sad for a man who feels so limited that he can’t write a single paragraph about his experience, his work, his dreams. Who cares if Old Mr. Right is grammar-challenged? You want to know who he is, not who some journalism major at NYU thinks he is.
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I think the ghost-written profile is a travesty, but I do acknowledge that some good could come of it if the dating site writer has a fresh outlook. Without editorial guidance, too many senior men will insert that tired cliché about moonlight walks hand in hand on a beach (they do this even if they live in Pittsburgh). A savvy professional writer will gently explain that a discerning senior woman may indeed enjoy this romantic interlude, but only if it is preceded by dinner at a cozy French bistro.
50 & Fabulous
You have to do what's right for you. We all do. I just think its sad that we've bought into a culture that says old and wrinkled is ugly. It's not. My favorite people in the world were old and wrinkled by the time I met t
Hi there,
Like JKL just noticed this post. Yes, I have a book on the subject. Sharing Housing, A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates Found 
Oh my goodness, what a wonderful writing voice you have. Me also thinks you are FAR too intelligent, insightful, and intimidating (not to me, to them) to be cruising Internet dating sites.
I find people who use them desperate. I’ve been desperate in my life too. It also bought me two very dysfunctional marriages.
NO THANK YOU!
Magnolia
Magnolia, your reference to desperation rings true. Been there. But online dating is such a mixed bag – I met some awfully nice men and chronicled my adventures with them in my blog. Some became good friends, and others — well, you have to have a spritely sense of humor and a load of self-confidence. I think online dating works better for the young because they don’t know a world without it. For them it’s THE way to find a date. Desperation visits them, too, of course. For the record, I’m no longer active on dating sites, but what a wild ride it was!
Sienna,
What a wonderful blog you have! I’m 55 and about to separate from my husband. Not a happy time.
I have no intentions of dating anytime soon. But, figure that one day i will want to. I will never marry again – that much I know. But, a date would be nice, I’m sure.
I will have to check out your site some more. If for nothing else, to enjoy your wonderful and intelligent writing style!
Magnolia
Oh my, this is one of my favorite subjects. I’ve been single (again) for 15 years and was an early adopter of online matchmaking. The stories I could tell include a man with a shifty hairpiece and a guy who neglected to mention he only has one leg. It’s a limited gene pool out there, ladies!
Brenda
ladybq, you are clearly equipped with a sense of humor, a trait without which no one can survive in the wide, wild world of online dating. I think you should write about your experiences – definitely share the hairpiece and the peg leg with the rest of us!
My own biggest debacle was spending time with a guy I dubbed Lust for Brains.
http://www.datingseniormen.com/2009/08/dating-over-fifty/
You gotta hand it to women. We’re resilient, aren’t we?
Thanks so much for your comment.
When it comes to profiles, there’s the guy who keeps your attention until you learn he likes to spend his free time, “On the computer, in bed, making love.” Makes you wonder if anyone is with him.
Unfortunately, I have too much experience using dating sites, which has developed into an intense allergic reaction.
I read the profiles trying to figure out if I want to meet someone. I took a class once that had us name the 5 things on our mind at that time. Then they told us that those were the top 5 things that were important to us. If some of the first five things that’s mentioned on a profile are skydiving, motorcycles, and how good looking they are, I move on. A few of the men who rate themselves as very good looking, I think someone should tell them that their mama lied.
I have used online sites over the years and with limited success. I stay away from profiles without photos, profiles of photos of men with baseball hats, t-shirts with some graphic or logo, shirtless, holding a fish, their arm around another woman, or in a group of men. Seriously, do they really think they can catch someone’s eye? We all know men are visual. I can’t tell you the number of times I received a “wink” or a message from someone I know didn’t read my entire profile as I say in my last line, no winks or profiles without photos need not respond. Many of them are not paying members so you can’t correspond. Hurray for the success stories, I’m just not one of them.
kash, I really had to LOL about your understandable aversion to a photo of a man and his not-well-crpped-out lady friend. Isn’t it amazing how many guys do this?
Women obsess about their photos – how their hair looks, what color should the lipstick be. Men put up any old thing. Poor babies. :O)
I live in Pittsburgh. There are SO many men on these sites who have the “walk on the beach” in their profiles. I always ask myself: ”WHAT beach? The dirty rivers beach?” (Pittsburgh has three rivers but is “land-locked” and is at least 7 hours from the Atlantic Ocean).
Let’s also not forget the pictures of MOTORCYCLES, their DOGS, the half of a former girlfriend that they didn’t’ fully crop out of the picture, the “cuddle by the fireplace with a glass of wine” comments and their (strong) desire to find their “soulmate”.
Okay…I sound jaded. I’m not really. It’s just that in our 50′s there are a LOT more “frogs” to pass by (and NOT KISS!) than when we were younger.
We all have the potential to still find love -on these sites or elsewhere. It just takes a LOT more patience and a terrific sense of humor.
Comments welcome!
You’re so right, Isadora — the Three Rivers city is not the place for the walk on the beach, but many a walk on the Allegheny sounds too drab….LOL
As you say, without humor, we could never, never do online dating sites.
Hello Ladies,
I found your comments about online dating very interesting, especially since I have discovered, quite by accident, that my husband has joined several of them posting himself as single, a bit younger than what he is (64) and telling all kinds of other lies. I have kept this info to myself, but have built a very good file on his activities should I decide at some point to end it all. I know there is no way I would ever join any of these sites if I was single. I think at our age we have accumulated so many amazing social skills we have a much better chance of meeting “real” men in the “real” world, if that is what we want in later life. I just get concerned for women who are feeling desperate and wonder how many others like this that they may be falling prey to. My husband had quite a few “hits” on his profile from what I saw…many ladies in their late 50s and early 60s.
Finding that your husband is doing this can only have been devastating. BUT – you seem to be carefully building an exit strategy, one that shows you to be resilient, bold, and smart.
My observation is that there are so many more senior women looking for a real relationship than men. The result is that men I might consider get dozens of hits to my one. This is not just an assumption on my part. I am friends with a gentleman who is 74, secure, and actually wants another wife. I’ve reviewed his mail (at his invitation) and he gets at 5-10 hits per day, where I got one a month – well not counting the 35-year old stevedores looking for sugar mom. It could be that Mr. Stumblebum who never could write or spell but who was a respected professional (good secretary) who had a good marriage.
The guy I mentioned above is a retired Doctor and has his secretary answer email – all in all, I think I’d rather try to decipher the musings of some old foggy who at least is trying.
Wow — I’m finding all these comments fascinating. Interesting how different things affect different people differently … like, if a man puts a photo of his dog on his profile, I find that endearing and a plus — not a negative — because a man who loves a dog at least has one good thing going for him.
In my experience (and that only consists of perusing these sites on behalf of my widowed sister), if you eliminated everyone with a photo of a motorcycle or a fish or wearing a ball cap from consideration, you’d be down to pretty much nobody. If that’s part of who they are, what’s wrong with showing it? At least you get an idea of their interests/hobbies.
I have to agree with the “walk on the beach” thing. Who even does that??
Also, I disagree that being on a dating website indicates desperation. Once a woman gets older and is no longer in school, and especially if she works full time and has other obligations, her opportunities to meet someone are limited. Why not up the odds with online dating? Agreed–you have to have your armor on and your guard up — but why not just approach it with a sense of humor and “you never know” attitude?
I am sad to see my sister spending time alone when she could be sharing her life with someone who loves her again. So I’m very glad that she’s decided to at least stick her toe in the dating water again, even online — and even if it’s filled with lots of sharks and bottom feeders. She could just get lucky and find that one pearl out there …
You’re right, LV1958, that there is much talk on Vibrant Nation about online dating “desperation.” There’s a big difference between signing on to an online dating site (not in itself a desperate act) and posting a profile that conveys a desperate state of mind. That’s why I counsel women (and men) to work long and hard on their profiles, I tell them to put themselves in the place of the reader. Gentle self-deprecating humor works. Confidence works. Empathy works. Desperation — even a tiny hint of it – fails utterly.
Online dating is common now, nothing desperate about it. I’m currently in a relationship that has lasted seven years and I met him online. He’s nice, treats me with respect and thus far has been faithful. We’ve had our ups and downs like any relationship can have, but it’s always been something we could work out. True there are some lost causes out there in cyber land, but no more than what you find at your local bar or club…places I was not going to hang out anyways.
I’ve posted on here as well because of my new initiation into online dating. Please don’t call me “desperate,” particularly since I’m looking at this as a way to reenter the dating world. I’m completely happy with the life I’ve built post divorce…I just look at this as another way to get my feet wet. I challenge a lot of the women here to actually admit you’ve never checked it out?
No way you’re desperate, ericab! More like brave, as in brave new world. You will succeed because, as your comment reveals, you are building on happiness. That’s the whole secret!!
Many thanks for your upbeat — and inspirational — comment.