For the first time in weeks, I walked into Barnes & Noble, laptop case slung over my shoulder, and headed to the cafe. It’s the only place I feel comfortable going to write these days when claustrophobia overcomes me at home to the point of screaming.
You see, in April, I had a corneal transplant after being diagnosed with Fuchs’ Corneal Dystrophy. (Fuchs’ Corneal Dystrophy: My Story) A few weeks later, my immune system rejected the new cornea and now I’m blind in my right eye – for now.
I’m scheduled for another partial cornea transplant on October 25, and hopefully I will be on the road to recovery. But there’s more to the story.
When I was 15, I had surgery to correct ‘Strabismus’, which in non-medical terms means my right was not aligned properly or ‘in cruel kids terms’ means, “Clarence the Crossed-eye Lion.” Any of you of my age should remember this book and movie.
But, I digress, the Strabismus surgery was a success back 40 something years ago, and my right eye has remained perfectly aligned as long as I wear corrective eyeglasses. But since this other confounded condition I’ve contracted, my poor eye doesn’t know where to look, so it focuses on my nose.
This post really has nothing to do with my vision or lack of it. What I’m seriously grasping for is my self-esteem that’s been flushed down the toilet.
It’s hard to believe that as a woman, now in my 50’s, fairly self-confident most of the time, can still be bothered with the memory of the bully on the bus who picked on my crossed-eye when I was a kid. I guess it never goes away.
I usually post about women seeing the best in themselves at our age and I will again, I promise.
In the midst of my pity-party, I say to myself. Why should I care? I don’t have cancer. I have a loving, caring partner who says he loves me no matter what. I still have one good eye. At this age, I can definitely stand up to any bully who picks on me or anybody else. But, for now I can’t get my self-confidence out of the crapper.
In a few months, I should see clearly again and my poor dysfunctional right eye will gaze in a forward direction like it’s supposed to. And I’ll be writing positive, motivational posts like I used to. In the meantime, my life is in the hands of my ophthalmologist.
Thanks for letting me whine. I’ll be better soon. I’m positive of that.
In the meantime, boomer babes, if you’ve suffered an affliction that’s dumped your self-esteem in the crapper, please share – how do you get past this horrible self-conscious feeling? It will not only help me, but possibly others dealing with this.
Contrary to propaganda, some saturated fat is GOOD for us, especially the medium chain fat in coconut oil. Eating fat is healthier than eating sugar.
I don't know a lot about them either, but I'm always skeptical of mass marketed procedures like that. I went on the website and checked it out. I actually sent away for the info and I got it, but I couldn't seem to find any real info on the act
You were bullied as a child. That’s when our self esteem starts to develop, and when something shakes that development, it’s hard to regain it. The self doubt stays with you through life, and can rear it’s ugly head at any time.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse, molestation and gang rape. I do well for long periods of time and then something will happen that triggers me, and I spiral out of control.
The failed transplant, was the trigger for you. It caused your eye to become crossed and it evoked all of the memories of the school bus bully to come to the surface once again. There is a host of issues surrounding this, not just self esteem, or confidence, but vanity, ego, and other things as well.
You have the right to feel bad, but you don’t have the right to wallow in it, and to allow yourself to be a victim again. No matter the outcome, you are still the person that you have always been. Be that strong confident woman, and don’t let yourself fall victim to the school bus bully. Ban the bad self talk, and start embracing the good daily affirmations.
I hope and pray that your upcoming surgery goes well for you.
Thanks, She Cat. I found that just going out to B&N today helped me. Just have to push myself every day. And I appreciate how lucky I am that soon this eye business will be over and I can get back to normal. Some people don’t have that option.
I applaude your strength after everything you’ve been through, and admire your tenacity. You go, girl.
Vonnie, I am sorry to read about all that you are going through and have been going through. I don’t think that we can ever wave a magic wand that helps us build our self-esteem when it has been kicked around at times.
I don’t think that we reach this age without some issues along the way. I found a life coach a few years back who has made a world of difference to me. I use to talk to her quite frequently, but now only make appointments when I just need to touch base.
As my mother always tells me — and she is such a wise woman — life is just about getting out of bed and showing up. Simply that. My best to you.
Your mom was right, Marian. My mom was blind in one eye and now I think I know why. She used to say, “You only have one pair of eyes, take care of them.” Thanks for your kind words.
You are not whining, sweetie: If you go and read my post under “Recaculating…..As a child I grew up on severe poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, bathtub/shower, and snow came in thru a crack in the tenement house wall. I never knew my father and my mother was verbally ad physcially abusive. I was molested by a drunken neighbor and had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken neighbor (woman)….but worse than all of those things put together was the embararassment and shame of having a house with a nickname…that was the final stigma. I joined the army right out of high school and then “married” the original abuser (mother) and tried to fix the past…for 31 years, divorced and then my church voted me out of membership.
I was determined to make a difference in the world and not to let ANYone steal my joy….that is a choice…no matter how we are FEELING, we can do things.
In other words, I was skinny, had a bump on my nose, abused, poverty-stricken, molested, etc……and I used all of the ashes of my life and did something with it.
I wrote about my life and won a scholarship and am a Freshman at 66. I wrote my memoir and a poetry book. I am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group. I was selected as “Distingjished Undergraduate Student at my Univesity; not for academics but for what I have done in my life.
Recently my paper on verbal abuse was selected and I am invited to be a presenter at the Michigan Counseling Association.
I have spent 15 years contacting the media in order to be the voice for the 1 in 3 women on the planet living in silence, fear and shame behind closed doors because of verbal and physical abuse. I will never quit.
I say all of that to say…..we cannot change the past, but we CAN make choices NOW to do the things we want to. What are your dreams and goals?
There is a saying; “The past is always present.” THere are things we never get over OR forget. Use your traumatic expeienes to help others. I find that is so helpful. It takes you out of yourself and othes are grateful to know they are not alone.
I don’t know if any of this helps; all I can tell you is my experience and how I was able to take a lifetime of ugliness and turn it into something positive. There is nothing to stop you…..but…you!
P.S. How about going to schools and talk about your experiences…we are much more aware of bullying (verbal abuse) now……..
Hugs and Love, Alicia
Wow, what a story, Alicia!!! Congrats on your all your success!! What’s that saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? That’s you all right.
Today I’m kind of embarrassed that I published my post because it’s so minor compared to all of your stories. But, I’m glad to hear them. It helps me realize that I can get past this latest catastrophe.
So lucky to have you strong women here although sorry for the way you had to get here. Thanks so much.
Vonnie,
Never ever be embarrassed or compare your trauma to someone else’s. Your trauma belongs to you. You went through it, you suffered it, and it traumatized you. It may seem that someone suffered more, but how are we to gauge what someone else suffered, felt, went through?
You were bullied, and you suffered too, and don’t ever be embarrassed about it.
Hi, Vonnie: Never feel sorry for your feelings; they aren’t right or wrong, they simply are and should be recognized and validated.
We cannot compare our pain to others….pain is pain.
I disagree with that statement: Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” That is why the therapists offices are full. There are myriad emotional and physical traumas from “whatever doesn’t kill you.”
Hugs and Love, Alicia
You’re right, Alicia. Thanks. xoxoxo
The main issue is getting over this one. At Boomer age traumas pop up almost weekly. Aging parents/ children s/their family issues/ another part stops working. It just goes on and on. The magic is in development of a strategy that you can readily access when it is needed again and again. These should be called heartbreak years, not Golden Years.