Yesterday I did something I said I’d never do. I still can’t believe that I did it; but I did. I bought my first pair of Spanx. I railed against them last August. I did.
But now that I’m about to go on my first vacation in years, I thought I’d just “try on” a pair to see what all the hub-bub is about. After the salesgirl handed me a pair I looked at her like the RCA dog. Was she on crack? I wondered. This thing looked like it would fit a 10 yr.old, a skinny one that is. 
“Just go try them on”, she said casually.
“Trying on” is not actually an accurate description of actually what went on in my dressing room. A more accurate description would be to say there was a steel cage death match between Evelyn, myself and the Spanx. I kid you not, the match lasted at least a full five minutes.
I’d been instructed to gather up the material in the each leg, then pull them on, one leg at a time. Easier said then done, I can assure you. In the movie The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Burt Reynolds receives a thong as a gift. He goes to put it on and yells out “It’s like trying to put two bowling balls in a marble bag.” After my dressing room debacle yesterday, I can totally relate.
Back to the dressing room. I had one side of the Spanx, Evelyn the other. She yelled “PULL!” exasperatedly. “What do you think I’m doing?!” I fired back. And on it went. I’m telling you this thing had a life of it’s own. I felt like the priest at the end of the Exorcist wreslting with the Devil.
When we finally got it completely up, I looked at myself. I was dripping with sweat, but, amazingly, jiggle free. (Keep in mind, I haven’t been jiggle free since the Clinton administration.) With more than half the skin on my torso now compressed and smoothed by the insanely strong latex I now had an amazing resemblance to a giant peach colored bowling pin. Evelyn looked at me and said “Skin on the baloney”. I can always depend on her to make me feel better.
I forgot to mention, there is even a hole in the Spanx so you may pee while still still wearing it. I’m planning to dehydrate myself prior to ever wearing it, so that won’t be a problem. And as far as pooping goes–I can state without equivocation–that there will be no pooping while I am Spanxed. I realize that there is no way I could ever extricate myself from this thing without help. Also, I vowed that Doug would never see me go struggle with this. Childbirth, OK, putting on or getting off Spanx-no.
But as you have probably surmised, I bought the Spanx. However, it seems that the pair I tried on were industrial Spanx, not really meant for the public; having been developed for military use, they should have never been put in a store.) Instead I bought the Power Panties, which although also quite constrictive, are at least manageable by yourself if you have a lot of patience and a good sense of humor I was told.
So… I did get my Power Panties on last night all by myself last night–thank you very much, and immediately felt the need to find a cape and leap tall building with a single bound.
Didn’t you ever hear of Super Middle-aged Woman? Don’t you laugh at that. I’ll zap your ass with one of my super powers. I’ve got em. Do you?
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OMG, I love this post, unfortunately I think it would take a little more than spanx for me…if I get down to being spanx worthy, I will give them a shot…I have considered it, but you have to realize that I have been exposed to a compression sleeve,(worn when one has lymphadema in the arm) so I have some experience with what a super tight garment feels like and cannot imagine being clamped in one…I joked around that I needed one for my body and was told that my head would pop…
You know Miss Pinkim, if you ever tried to put one over your entire body it just might. That treatment should be set aside for pedophiles and other bottom dwellers.
OK, you have a point…
M, When it comes to you, what’s not to love..hehehehe…TRACK
If I don’t have on Spanx when we meet kiddo, they’ll be more of me to love. LOL
I just bought a pair of Spanx for a dress I am wearing for my nephew’s wedding because I want to dance And I want my butt to stop dancing when the rest of me does!
If I don’t jiggle in it, no one possibly could. You might want to spray yourself with some Pam first if you’re going to try to go it alone!
See – you said don’t laugh and I’m cracking up as I read this. I’ve always wondered how normal women got those things on and now reading this I see they don’t and these so-called celebrities do it with at least 5 people helping them. Now – thanks to you – I’m even more curious and just may break down and buy one of these things – just to find out.
Just remember there are the two different kinds. Regular Power Panties are pretty snug, but doable after considerable work, by yourself for everyday wear Spanx, then act of God, have at least two drinks first and bring at least one girlfriend to help you, military Spanx.
You’ve been warned.
people swear by Spanx, when i tried them on they rolled down, so i pulled them all the way to my bra and tucked them in under the bra wire. It worked for a while but it was not comfortable at all. The girls from Venezuela are on Miami TV all day advertising these compression gadgets. Well, i went and bought one, extra large since it looked so small. It cost $50 and to this day i have not been able to get in it. I cannot bring it back because it is unsanitary although i have not worn it. I told the salesgirl that it reminds me of being in a war tank, The one that resembles a hummer.
Evelyn called it the Iron Maiden.
good one! So you better do not go to Mama Leone’s if it still exists. I think they serve a 6 course meal. I can see you now, in pain. Be comfortable, eat whatever. It is your vacation! Enjoy it. How many years do we have left in this world? 20, 30? I believe in good nutrition to a degree, but during my vacation i do everything.
OMG!!! I laughed until I cried!! (with you not at you!) I too have the lightweight spanx for certain outfits, but for my son’s wedding and the gorgeous dress that was meant to hug a ‘beautiful’ body, I bought the heavy duty one with straps to smooth out that mid section! It was an endeavor to get on, but I thought I looked great! What I didn’t realize at the time of purchase was it was a %$#*&^ THONG! But I thought what the heck it’s just for this dress and just for a few hours. Picture an outdoor wedding in July and realize that the fabric in these things are rubbery and constricting – you get the hell I went thru! After chafing the nether regions for a couple of hours I finally had to give in for bathroom break – I wondered if I could get away with taking it off and going commando – who would notice??? Imagine my surprise to find the ‘easy access’ panel had 3 rows of fasteners and I had inadvertently left it on the tightest one! After refastening on the loosest one, I felt some relief, but decided it’s going to be awhile before I wear the ‘iron corset’ again and it will most definitely be in the winter! Rubber doesn’t slide so good from sweaty skin – I was looking for the scissors when I got home!!!
Spanx + summertime = the 3rd circle of Hell. A spanx thong? Not on this body while I’m still alive anyway.