“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.” Victor Hugo
How many of us spend our lives being who we are not? Being who others think we should be? Living up to other people’s expectations of who we should be? It took me a long time to realize that is who I was – that person everyone else in my life expected me to be. The good daughter …the good wife…the perfect mother…the exemplary employee…the nurturer, the fixer, the one always there to take care of whatever crisis was at hand… and Itty Bitty was, to put it mildly… exhausted and confused and sad. I was adored by everyone who’s expectations I so willingly met and at the same time feeling victimized ~ feeling that everyone took advantage of me. I had no time for me, for what I wanted to do or be.
And then one night, somewhere around 1990, caught in a vortex of demands, I found myself sitting in the corner of our home entry hall, sobbing … A 40-ish year old woman crumpled in the corner feeling sorry for herself. And that’s when the epiphany finally hit me …
NO ONE WAS DOING IT TO ME, I WAS DOING IT TO MYSELF …
In my quest to be perfect – the ultimate multitasker – I had completely forgotten, or pushed aside, the most important component of all .. ME! And I had forgotten that it was okay to say one very important huge word … NO! … I started immediately … not to everything, of course, but to things I knew in my heart I really did not have to do – that others were capable of doing or calling on others to do for them.
I stopped letting my parents put me in the middle of their marriage and relationship issues. They were both equally surprised … but understood eventually.
I stopped trying to do everything for my family and stopped feeling guilty if everything didn’t get done immediately. If they needed something done that quickly and could do it themselves, they did … the kids whined … the husband grumped … but eventually the realized I was more relaxed and had more time to spend with them.
I started leaving work after 9 hours (who needs to work 10-12 hour days?) – actually delegating tasks to my staff – and stopped feeling that the place would fall apart if I wasn’t there … or that I was in jeopardy of losing my job (farthest thing from the truth) if I wasn’t always there.
Of course, I didn’t shirk away from my true responsibilities – I just stopped thinking I had to do it all. And as the years went by, my husband passed away (and the grief subsided), and the kids moved on from home … and I was alone for, literally the first time in my life, I let me come fully out.
The happy, little bit hippy, music loving, nature celebrating, playful, silly, sensuous, professional, smart, authoritative, like it or not, me. And I found that all those people who I was afraid of not meeting their expectations still loved me! In fact …. they loved me more for who I really was …. and it amazed me.
Sometimes it’s just hard to let go of the fear of failure, the fear of disappointing others, the fear of not achieving what we think we should. And the reality is … sometimes we will fail … we will disappoint others … we will not achieve all we think we should … and it’s okay …
And to love ourselves in spite of ourselves …
Namaste … I honor you … for who you really are!
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Shirley -Unfortunately we don't have control over others decisions. From what I have read, you are in the beginning of your relationship with this man. Although 8 months is time enough to sort through feelings, I'm not sure you should take him exactl
Hello old lady2,and JKL..... my location is 1/4 mile out of Sun River Oregon, Bend is the town. It is a ski, area in the winter, which may or may not be a down side. There are many older people that cross country, ski, and snowmobile. In the win
Love this. Being who people want you to be is a difficult cycle to break. I have been so convinced that I have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, work harder and longer (a myth), keep my house perfect (an impossible and ridiculous assumption), and behave a certain way…that I have exhausted myself. For the past year I have just focused on not focusing so much on those things…lol…I have to focus on something; it’s in my basic nature. I have recently decided to stop worrying about being perfect and just be me. Warts and all.
I am so much happier when I’m living to please myself instead of living to please someone else. I like doing things for people but on my terms. I’ve stopped caring if everyone likes me and have realized that the ones who don’t aren’t people I would have wanted to truely be friends with anyway. I wish I could feel like the man who once said “I haven’t met a man that I didn’t like.” But alias I don’t feel that way and it is okay. I am truely the happiest in my own company or maybe the company of my children and grandchildren.
Great epiphany! I have had it myself, too. You have said it so well, though! I appreciate it. I am saving this text and may share it with others from time to time because it is so well said. Too bad we often don’t see it until we are older and have wasted all those years. And some, sadly, never do see it. I love your chosen pictures, too! Keep on being your wonderful real self!
I joined the army right out of high school, and have been going….ever since. I never cared what anyone thought about what I should do; I do care what my friends think…..but…..they know me and like who I am……I overcame a lifetime of abuse and trauma and always liked the statement: “If it is to be, it is up to ME……..and that is why I am a freshman at age 65!
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Born a passionate, stubborn, opinionated, standin’ up and talkin’ back, U.S. army veteran, dancer, singer, author, poetess woman…..looking for a guy who will love me as much as I love me!