We dropped our daughter off at college for the first time yesterday. There have been surprisingly no tears yet from my husband & I. We both had a mix of feelings that were hard to place. After a good night sleep, the best way I can describe it is like child birth. I enjoyed the closeness of having my daughter in my womb - to me it felt like a person in there and I would talk to her and feel her kick and got to know her personality before she was born. But there came a time when I was ready to meet her on the outside – there was time that I wanted her out of my womb. Then she was born, and our relationship changed. It became much more real, more two-way. That’s how I see her transition to college. As a mom, I’ve been responsible for her for 19 years (including womb time). 19 years is a LONG time for me to be so focused on the care and responsibility of her mind, body, and soul. I feel like it is time for my daughter to be born into the next phase of her life.
I think, too, with face book and texts and email, it doesn’t really feel like she’s that far away. Maybe in 3 weeks or so it will hit me that she’s not here physically (that’s what the college said happens to the kids, at least. After 3 weeks they realize it’s not summer camp, but school away from home). My husband and I have talked about how I’m a youngest child, our son is a youngest child, my husband is a middle child, so our daughter was the only first born/oldest child in our home. I don’t like conflict, so I wasn’t comfortable going head-to-head with her like a mother who was a first born might feel comfortable doing. So my daughter pretty much had the run of the home. Especially this summer when we were letting her try out her adult-in-training wings, she reverted back to her 4 year old demanding self for the most part (although to the outside world she pretty much was still a hard working angel). So having her out of the house now is very much the breather for us.
She LOVES her college! My husband and I were very impressed with it, and feel that she is in safe guiding hands. She picked the right college for her next step. Even the little things she appreciates – she loves that there are 8 toilets and showers, and 6 sinks – she told me “This morning I didn’t have to wait to use the toilet or the shower!” Coming from a one bathroom home, she feels like she’s in the lap of luxury at college. She got up at 6:30am so she could take a shower and then go for a walk before breakfast. This is the girl that in our home slept until 2pm this summer. The professors/speakers told us that college is a time where kids try out their adult muscles, and that when they come home for Thanksgiving they may have changed quite a bit. I know that my daughter has the tools to really fly now – she just needs to use them around her family (us) as well as the rest of the world. It is a new place for us parents to be, to let our daughter pass to her next phase in life. To be born into adulthood, where parents are the supporters from the side, instead of the helicopter moms (that was brought up at one parent seminar, with quite a few nervous chuckles at the mention).
Now my husband and I can focus on our sons growth. We’ve told him about his sisters adventures so far and the fun she’s having, and now he is getting more excited for his own adventures at high school this year. His adventures include concentrating on his studies, being on the Cross Country team (his first sports team ever), and when he is 16 he wants to get a part time job. So he’ll be spending some of his free periods in the college and career center researching both colleges and careers, as well as internships and jobs.
I think having the weight of our daughters success OFF our shoulders and on her own has been a huge relief for my husband and I. I think sometimes when you’ve got a sensitive child, there’s extra stress on the parents because we don’t want our kids to be hurt. Our daughter is strong in many areas of her life, but she’s vulnerable and immature in other areas. She’s also expanding in so many areas we just don’t have the expertise to be all the things she needs anymore. So college has come at totally the right time.
I’m hoping that when she comes home for Thanksgiving, she will be a more contributing part of the family. I think having her stay in the newly created ‘guest room’ (her brothers old room) will help her understand that she’s no longer the princess in her attic castle. That she is now an equal and a participating adult in this family. Our son is excited about having the whole attic to himself. I’ve been putty-ing nail holes and painting. Before she left, my daughter and I went through all of her stuff and she took down each photograph, went through each article of clothing or memory, and either put it in a box to keep, recycled or threw it away. It was clearing the slate for her (and me). Her last night her walls were bare and her stuff for college was packed and waiting in the living room. Then when we took her up to her blank college room yesterday, we helped her make up the bed, get out her familiar clothes and things, and watched as she put up her decorations and posters. It was like a re-birth ritual, a welcoming to the new home ritual. It was something that she needed because she needs help to transition. This is the kind of mental gymnastics and behind the scenes planning I’ve had to do for her to keep her from throwing fits of fear her whole life. And to be quite honest, I’m glad I don’t have to do that anymore. I’m done with that phase of her life. I could have spent years arguing with her, fighting her – but I knew deep down it was fear of transition that was behind much of her outbreaks and tantrums, and how do you punish someone for being afraid? I just couldn’t do that. I ended up having to work twice as hard, using strategies, etc. to make her (and our family life) look effortless. I’m exhausted. I’m ready for a break. Of course in public and with friends she was fine, and in fact quite exceptional in her skills. But if she was stressed she’d come home and take it out on the family – mainly me (probably many of you can relate).
My son and I have talked about this, and he agrees. We love her and we’ve worked with her, but as my husband says upon reflection ”She’s high maintenance”. I think now that she’s on her own and surrounded by so many loving hands, she’ll be able to turn the corner and turn her fear and high sensitivity into energy for positive change. At least that’s what I’m hoping will happen. And I’m going to do my best to create our home so that she’ll need to fit in with us as a helpful adult, not us catering to her. At least that’s what I’m hoping will happen.
An addendum: I'm a little bit of a perfectionist and by little bit I mean a lot. I hate making mistakes, hate getting in trouble and am not a bit fan of being wrong. However, I learned that the most useful thing I could do for myself was to all
Watermusic,
That is exactly what to do to keep your spirit and energy in harmony. Thank you for sharing. Letting yourSelf off the hook is the hard part. Good for you.
I want to share your story with a client that is coming next week who can ne
I guess it is your son or M. Obviously your son is into protecting you from further engagement in a destructive relationship. Your son is right, you did deceive him. Again, obviously he holds you in higher esteem than you hold yourself.
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There is a lot in your post I can relate to only for me it’s a son. He is a big presence in our home physically and emotionally. Although he’s a happy guy for the most part he’s had his troubles with school, had to retake freshman year high school because of bullying and transition to a new school. Last year he was accepted at a military college on a practically free ride but ended up hating it the first week. He just didn’t know what he wanted to do except that he didn’t want to be there period.
After a year of working at Dunkin Donuts he’s back at another school and living in the dorm. He was given a picture of his future by a wise admissions lady at this college. She “read his mail” as we like to say around here. I hope he does well this year because to have him home again will be tough on me and his younger brother. Right now though, it’s pretty darn nice to have him away.
Placidplaid – good luck to your son. Hope his new college works out for him and is a better fit. Do you think the 1 year working at the donut shop helped him see that him taking initiative and going to college to get more skills was a good move?
You have lofty ideas and maybe a little too lofty…remember it’s HER life…and how she actually makes it happen may be a far cry from what you imagine. Her new surroundings, friends, profs, all the outside influences of a college campus/town can drastically alter the girl you raised! I know…it happened to my daughter and …well suffice it to say…it was not pretty! We gave her wings and she flew in a direction we never imagined possible! I hope yours flies better than ours!
cmill – so sorry to hear of what you’ve been through. I hope your daughter finds wings that are healthy and kind.
My husband and i have 4 children. In 1995, our second child ( a daughter) received an $80,000 scholarship to a college 3000 miles away. She had never been away from home and my husband was very hesitant to send her so far away. We had no money for college and I begged my husband to let our daughter go. I wanted to give her this wonderful opportunity to pursue her dreams. My husband finally said “yes”. The ending of this story is not a happy one. Like cmill (see comment above) our daughter changed drastically. She abandoned all her family and friends from her past. We haven’t heard from her in many years. She was a wonderful, loving daughter and I miss her very much.
As I read your story, all I could think was…Please count your blessings and always look for the good and positive in your daughter. Be happy that she is part of your life and love her unconditionally!
Debi Drecksler – it sounds like you and your husband made the best choice to help your daughter…and like you and the previous poster wrote, your daughter took a different road. At the college parent meeting, the president said that this may happen. That you’re kid might come home with a tattoo or a strange haircut or something. They said many times when the student comes home for Thanksgiving break, they have grown into a much different person. My daughter has been very cautious (like her father). She is also very logical (like her mother). If she came home with a tattoo or a different hair color, that would be ok (my husband and I are both on the edges of the entertainment industry). We’ve always had a mutual respect for the gifts and talents that each family member brings to the table (she’s an excellent photographer, writer, and film maker…she cares deeply about family and the environment and her school also carries that belief.) I’m just hoping that that respect and maturity goes the next level and bleeds over into putting her dishes away, and not leaving her stuff all over the living/dining room. I know it’s a little thing, but it shows outward respect. My husband, son, and I are finding that we all pretty much do this…so my daughter WAS the culprit:) So that little change would be positive. I do love and appreciate her. I guess I just needed a breather after this summer where she put on the brakes of growth out of fear of the future. Now the future is here, she has gone back into grow-mode (and probably kindness mode towards parents…she wasn’t always bratty only when she was 4…and the summer after her senior year). So far from looking at her facebook page, she is trying on a more outgoing personality, which would be more like her parents(!)
Oh boy, I’d love to feel that way! My 5 children, all girls, range in ages 22 to 45. My last one just went to USC. I’m so happy for her, and she is only 45 minutes away, but I miss her so much. I’m keeping busy, but I was one of those mothers who hated to see summer end because we had so much fun and then I had to give them back to the schools. It could be because I was a single mother also, and now I have to really get on with my life. I’m going to a senior exercise class this am which is really quite rough. It took me forever to walk into that class! I want them back when they were babies….crazy I know!
DianneSue – do you think part of your sadness is because your last one just left? I’m wondering if I’ll feel differently when the nest is actually empty?
Hhhhhmm. I took my one and only son to college 3 weeks ago yesterday. half way across the country (we lived in Texas, hes going to college in California.)
The longest hes ever been gone before is 3 weeks. So yes, yesterday, for a variety of reasons–it hit me in the gut I really felt it hard.
I miss him, make no mistake about it. I’m not going to parse words and over analyze this too much. Hes 18. Its time for college. We both knew it was coming. No surprises. We were physically prepared and organized and it is all what is supposed to happen when it is supposed to happen.
But I miss him. And of course I worry. And Im happy and excited for his new adventure all at the same time. Its time for him to go find his own tribe.
But my heart is walking around outside my body halfway across the country. I love him, I miss him, and I feel like part of me is missing.
And part of me is. Forever. Its cool and its said and its the way its supposed to be.
No I’m not glad hes gone. Selfishly, I could fall into the trap of wanting to keep him with me forever. But our children come through us, they arent of us. They are supposed to leave the nest. But I’m sorry I just cant relate to being happy hes gone. I’m happy for his ability to leave…..I’m happy for his future……I’m happy I raised such a wonderful human being……….I’m happy to provide the world a contribution of his caliber.
May he go with peace, dignity and the love of his mother who couldn’t be prouder of him.
Dallas Lady – beautiful words, well put.
“she’s no longer the princess in her attic castle.”
Hi Barb,
Those are striking words coming from an emotionally spent mother of a high maintenance daughter. My condolences! I say this because I was a high maintenance daughter too, the oldest of 5 girls. Not that my younger sisters were easy…no…in fact i may have been one of the easier girls my mom had to deal with. She had 7 boys too. Back to your issue; your daughter cleaned out her room in the attic and I could hear the relief in your words! I could sense you finding a special new space for you, and your son and husband . I can see she was emotionally needy. You have been a really good mother for this gal. You do need a vacation! I am validating your need for this open fresh space she has left open in your house. I do understand what you are saying . I have a son, 24, who has an amazing job, graduated from college last year, and pays next to nothing to live with his family. He does want to move out. I can’t wait! Why? Because he wants to go! He wants his own place, his own life ; and more, he feels he is living in our lives. I have 2 younger sons ages 12 and 13. They can’t wait because they will have Dan’s room , since they have both shared a room from babyhood, and Dan had his own room to himself. They want him to move out too! So i definitely can relate to your son’s happiness about inheriting the attic. But when you do make that guess room, please put a picture of your daughter , in a family setting of some point in time that was fun- on the bedside table . So she knows you think of her, and she is not just some ‘outsider’. She needs to know she still belongs. Take it from me, it would kill her inside. And a vase of fresh flowers would show her you love her too. My son wanted to take our futon with him, its an extra sofa/bed. I said no. He doesn’t see it, but one day, he may want to spend the night here. If he does, he would need the futon in his borrowed ‘man cave’ he has at the moment in our spare Florida room. He has a lot of privacy here, but he may move out and share a place with 3 other lads. There’s plenty of time for my oldest son to mentally move out. But there is still plenty of time for him to want to have “his man cave” back too. My husband and i have our home, and our own bedroom and living room, so we don’t mind at this point. But for you, and your daughter, i do understand your need for your own space back and that of sharing that space with your son. Just do not ‘leave her out’. She will feel it, and it is devastating. Your needy daughter will always need you! Im sorry to say, but getting married, having her own babies; late night calls when the baby has a fever; all are on the horizon. God bless you and ENJOY that new space!!! The one in your home and the one around YOU. And be well!
Fiftytwo – Your words have been like a soft nest for my soul. Thank you for your sensitivity and validation.
I’m almost finished with the guest room. Along with a very comfortable futon couch we’ve got 2 metal bookshelves, a dresser, and a bedside table/drawers. I also hope to get a small chair and table to double as a desk and sewing table. On the wall is a wonderful photo serious of 3 professional photos of my daughter and son enjoying each other by doing various silly and formal poses. We purchased one set for her and one for her brother. They both have this same photo series in their respective rooms (this was in her room before). Also, both metal bookshelves are now stocked with mostly photo albums including all the wonderful family trips we took, but more than trips they are full of photos from the little daily things we’d do together like splashing in puddles, cuddling with guinea pigs, holding signs for first day of school photos, Christmas morning, that kind of thing. In the bottom dresser drawers are some of the things she asked for me to keep available for her when she comes back for the holidays: her Toy Story Barbie and Ken and her superman doll, as well as extra PJs, socks, underwear, and snuggly clothes. I like your idea of fresh flowers (and possibly a small fresh fruit basket as well). So the room is already fresh and welcoming, and it will only get better. My husband and been gravitating to the room to read the past few nights. It really is a welcoming space:)
Thanks again for your kind words. Sounds like you also understand the need of the younger kids to stretch their wings as the older ones stretch theirs. I didn’t realize how much having my daughter go on this next adventure in her life would affect the three of us at home. We three are looking for new adventures and possibilities in our lives as well. It’s a fresh new start for all of us.
I am in the same situation and I couldn’t agree with you more!
Thank you for your candor and for taking the risk to say what you probably knew would be unpopular with some folk.
Ellen, After writing the blog I had my husband read it and asked him “is this too personal – and too honest? Do you think I should risk sending this in?” And he said “I think many women will appreciate your honesty, and more people feel this way than you might think.” Yes I love my daughter. But it’s been hard for parts of me. As I’ve watched other mom’s seemingly easily keeping their kids controlled, my kids were creative sorts with their own ideas and their own dreams. I tried to give them the wings they needed, and in the process many times felt that I had to cut back my own wishes and dreams. My kids need more structure than I do, so spontanious trips and big smiles bothered them (especially my daughter). Now that she is in college, it’s like that spock-like demeanor has fallen away and she is finally having outrageous (but not dangerous) fun. She told me on a recent phone call that she is eating well, getting plenty of sleep, and having a blast. She says about every 2 hours she’s got planned for study, or classes, or a club, or socialising. She has found a way to combine trying new thingss with her need for control. And it feels like a weight has fallen from my shoulders now that she is in control of this herself instead of me needing to hold it for her.
I surprised everyone, including my friends, family, daughter and myself when she left for college 2 years ago. We were very close and I had spent 18 years living my life for her. Spent my time and money on her. Neglected myself. But I loved it because I loved her so much and she was and still is a wonderful, loving, delightful daughter. I would rather spend time with her than anyone. So everyone was afraid that I was going to be lost without her. My family, including my daughter, were actually worried about how I was going to live without her and I was dreading her leaving. What I didn’t expect was that I would regain some of my old self back after she left. I lost 40 pounds in 5 months, took on 2 part-time jobs on top of my full time job, became the women’s social director at my church and rediscovered my relationship with my husband. I felt great! I felt younger, had more energy and found that I didn’t really miss her so much after all! It has helped tremendously that she is only 2 hours away and we text each other almost daily so I still feel very connected to her. I still love to spend time with her and enjoy visiting and staying in her apartment and hanging out with her and her friends. I feel a little blue when I come home after a visit, but I don’t pine away for her and enjoy my life as an independent adult! I enjoy having less responsibility and the ability to make last minute plans and go out whenever I want to. And I love my new relationship with my young adult daughter.
Melissa F. you are an inspiration! Thank you for your post. Sounds like you and your daughter have a very healthy relationship.