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How Honest are You with Yourself? Hot Conversation

We all do a lot of complaining about what we don’t have, don’t like, haven’t achieved,wish were different, and believe someone or something has done to us. How often do you really get honest with yourselves and admit your part in actually creating these situations? How often do you take responsibility for your actions or inactions, attitudes, thoughts, abilities, etc., that contribute to the very things about which you complain?

If you are like most people–even like me, not often or not often enough.

This became clear to me recently. My husband and I decided to do some major work on our marriage. In the process, I had to get honest about my part in the problems we experience in our relationship. I had to take responsibility for how I contribute to creating the situations I dislike in our marriage–even his behaviors. Ouch.

On a conscious level, I’ve known some of this. I just wouldn’t fess up…even to myself.

I can also look at my work situation. I spend a good bit of my time inspiring other people to achieve results. Yet, I don’t always achieve results. I have a lot of excuses. I complain a lot about why I don’t get what I want in my career. If my clients or blog readers said the same things, I would say they were just offering up excuses and make them accountable for achieving results. If I’m honest with myself, I have to take responsibility and realize I have only myself to blame for not taking action and changing my work situation.

What about you? Are you honest with yourself. Do you want to be honest with yourself? Can you look at different areas of your life and take responsibility for the fact that you are at least in part creating the things you don’t have, don’t like, haven’t achieved, wish were different, or believe someone or something has done to you? Can you at least admit you could do something about changing these situations?

It’s time to stop complaining and take responsibility. Then take action and create change.

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Posted in As the Spirit Moves Me, family & relationships, spirituality, work & money.

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16 Responses

  1. lisa shore lisa shore says

    I have been wanting to publish my children’s books for so long, it’s bordering on scary. I have always believed they have potential and that they would appeal to the market. I just find it so hard to move forward. I finally looked hard in the mirror and told myself that NO ONE is going to do it for me so, if I want this to happen, I’d better start driving the bus! I am now working with an illustrator and, between the two of us, we are working on a submission package. My friend told me yesterday how proud she was of me for being so creative and always having something on the go. (translation… procrastinating) She applauded me for working on this book until I laughed at myself and told her I wrote it for my son when he was a baby. He’s 27 now!

    Just a thought on taking responsibility in our marriages. When I divorced many years ago, a friend gave me a book on how we must take 50% of the responsibility for things going wrong. I was incensed as he was the jerk and I was the one who tried so hard. Reality check! After a lot of honest thought and heartache, I realized that even though he WAS a jerk, it was me who allowed him to be one.

    So many of us women find it hard to stand up for ourselves. I still can’t. Maybe if I finally publish this darn book, I’ll feel better about myself. The more we procrastinate, the longer we keep ourselves from living our best lives.

    Thank you for my daily kick in the butt! :)

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    • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

      Go for it on those children’s books!  I’ve often wondered if J. K. Rowling got started when her children were young in the same way…

      I just looked it up; she didn’t – she apparently came up with Harry Potter while riding a train.  Oh, well.  I still think tales told and/or written for your own children will be a blockbuster one of these days! ♥

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    • NinaAmir NinaAmir says

      You are welcome! I started marriage counseling with my husband because of HIS issues–ones I had with him. Boy was I surprised to discover how much I’ve contributed to OUR problems. That doesn’t mean our marriage will be saved, but it does mean I can look honestly at my behavior. The same for my writing…or not writing…and blaming not having money for not following through to the end on my projects, etc. You go girl! I’m so glad I’ve inspired you.

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      • Alicia Alicia says

        The only time when a marriage is one-sided (only 1 person at fault), is when one is an abuser.  Imagine waiting 31 years for change!  I had to become educated, read and see a therapist, and figure it out by myself.  Sometimes being stubborn is a negative (speaking as a very stubborn person, LOL)

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      • ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

        I have found in being brutally honest with myself that it’s not one-sided even with an abuser.  I allowed him to abuse me; I remained depedent; I neglected to take care of myself; I refused to get help (after all, he was the abuser…).  If I’m honest, I can find my part in the “drama.” ♥

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      • Generic Image Rose2 says

        you are a very brave woman, TL

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      • Alicia Alicia says

        The point I make/mean is that unless we understand what is happening…..if one is abused as a child, we will accept abuse from someone else.  I had no name for what was happening to me, and it wasn’t until I found the book that saved my life, that I could begin to move forward to leaving……..there are SO many reasons why women stay, and they are mostly good ones…..if you are threatned with death (of yourself, family, tc))))…..you wll stay.  if you understand abuse as brainwashing, then you will understand why women stay…….I did get help, counseling, reading, talking, etc……until I could make the good decision; but it was excruciating.  If one understands the dynamics of abuse, then we cannot blame someone for staying….I wrote a 25-page paper on the subject….passionate about it, and will keep speaking up until more are educated. 

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  2. ThurmanLady ThurmanLady says

    I learned through some time of counseling to get honest with myself – if I run from something, I can’t change it!  The best way I have of dealing with something I don’t want to admit is to look in a mirror, straight into my eyes, and get honest.  It’s awfully hard to lie to myself like that. ♥

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    • NinaAmir NinaAmir says

      Yep, I agree. The only way to create change is to get honest and then do the hard work of  changing our behavior.

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    • lisa shore lisa shore says

      So true! We “nice” women are enablers to people who know they can get their way at our expense. It doesn’t matter what kind of abuse we are talking about. We have to take responsibility for allowing it to happen. The hard part is being lead to believe that we are the ones responsible for “messing everything up” and either ending the marriage/relationship or what ever the status quo is. If we can break the abuse cycle and move on in our own lives, it’s a pretty wonderful feeling. It sure takes a strong person to initiate the events, though. When I did, he forced me into bankruptcy and I lost everything except I found my self respect, regained the respect of my children and I found out who my real friends are. Painful lessons, all, but worth it.

      So, how about when we look in the mirror and tell ourselves “I can do it”. What holds us back? Fear of failure or of success?

      Thank you for your cheer leading on the children’s book. I really need all of that I can get. 

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      • NinaAmir NinaAmir says

        I think we have both fear of failure and fear of success. And sometimes we fear failure in our marriage…we don’t want to give up. We have to admit it’s time.

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      • lisa shore lisa shore says

        Failure of a marriage doesn’t fall on one set of shoulders. It takes two to give up. If your gut is telling you to admit it’s time to get on with your best life, then listen to it. Success will come when you are in control of your life again. Getting there is very scary and exhausting, but well worth it when you look back. If you could be anywhere 5 years from now, what would your life look like?

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      • NinaAmir NinaAmir says

        That’s a great question for all women to ask themselve…marriage on the rocks or not. Thanks so much!

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      • Alicia Alicia says

        It falls on the set of one set of shoulders, when 1 is an abuser.  I stayed 36 years, thinking there was something I could do to make the abuser get it.  I finally figured it out…it wasn’t until I educated myself as to the dynamics of an abuser, that I could begin to work my way out of it……it has been 6 years,  it is still painful, even tho I have returned to school, work full time, stay busy.

         

        When there is an abuser in a marriage there is an inequal balance of power…there are not 2 people trying to work on problems…with an equal voice….there is just 1 person harming another, with no thought or care how it affects that person.

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      • Alicia Alicia says

        I definitely do not fear success!  As for the “marriage” I didn’t want to give up because i thought he would eventually get a clue.  he never did, so I did!

         

        I wasn’t a failure, but the abuser…was.

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  3. Generic Image Rose2 says

    my worse fear was realized when my husband died and left me alone.   I had to admit that I was really holding him in this life, because I did not want to be alone. Nor without him.  I have overcome that fear of being alone, and now I am fearing moving on with my life.  Not liking where I am living, but in some ways it is comfortable just to stop and become a hermit.  And I could easily  become a hermit.  (can I be crazy cat lady with only one cat?)

    I can  and have traveled across the country and back by myself many times.  I am flying overseas for the first time, and have no fear about any of that.  I am looking forward to it. Planning a trip to Oregon in May/  But to move again from the mid west to the west coast stops me.  So is it fear of a new place again and a new beginning again?  A fear I won’t like it once I am settled?    Will be my fourth move  in three years, or maybe my fear is that I am really not ready or I just like to bitch about how I dislike this place or I am or just a wuss.  BTW, my only daughter and her family live here.  Love being close to them; don’t like the area.  Youngest son and his family will be where I want to move.  Also fear that might now work out.      Now, if I could get my daughter to move out there….

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