This weekend we turn back the clocks. That means it will be lighter and brighter when I get home at night. That means that springtime will be here soon and summer will follow, quickly, I hope, I hope. I’m so ready to pack up the winter weather and pack up my winter clothes too.
It felt like spring as I walked into my daughter’s newly painted room tonight. Her room is a warm, creamy buttercup yellow. It screams sunshine. Her room is void of furniture now that she is no longer a permanent resident. I donated her old baby furniture before I moved. It is time to get her a big girl bed. She is about to turn 25.
It felt like a beautiful blue sky day as I walked into my son’s newly painted room. His room is a bold wedgewood blue color. Since I count him as an occasional visitor as well, I am using his room as my temporary home office until I paint and decorate my new home office in my loft area.
“How are you doing?” I said to my son last week on the phone. He is studying in Rome for the semester — such a lucky guy D is.
“I’m doing okay,” said D, “However, I’m concerned about the summer.”
“What’s the problem,” I cautiously replied. “I thought you were going to be in NYC for the summer – taking classes and working part-time.”
“That was the plan,” said D, “but the classes are so expensive. I don’t think I can afford to take summer classes in NYC. I think I may have to come home.”
I love my son. I love my empty nest.
“Really, come home?” I said.
I love my son. I love my empty nest and the fridge that has a limited supply of food. And I love the fact that I don’t have to go food shopping every week if I don’t want to.
“Yeah,” said D, “I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
I love my son. I love my empty nest and my single (with a boyfriend) lifestyle.
“Really, come home?” I said again.
I love my son. I love my empty nest. I love that I no longer have to rush home to make dinner for my anyone.
“Really, come home?” I said one more time.
I love my son. I love my empty nest. I love having a clean bathroom where I can enjoy a leisurely bath whenever I desire and where I can use the toilet without having to worry about falling in because a certain someone forgot to put the seat back down.
“Really, come home?” I said one last time.
I love my son. I love my empty nest. I like having electric bills that don’t make me cringe before I open them each month due to the extra costs from an extra someone who always leaves the lights on in every room he enters and exits.
I love my son. He will turn 21 years old this May.
Will this empty nester and her 21 year old son be able to peacefully co-exist in the same household again? Will she be able to relinquish her empty nest and allow a little birdie to creep back in for a four month stay?
Oh, the good ol’ summertime.
Judi
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There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
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It’s 4 months.. Life is different with adult children as long as you both treat it like you are roommates instead of Mother and Son, ie ,you doing all the work and he letting you….=]…..enjoy it, love it, it will be over before you know it……unless he plans to stay once fall comes…;
As the mother of a high school senior who is already dreading this fall and my soon to be empty nest, I so cannot relate to this yet. Maybe one day, just not this day.
I think you both can handle it. Enjoy it! It may be the last chance you ever get to spend time with your boy!
We had an empty nest for aboout nine months, then my youngest son, 20 years, came back home. I told him is I wasn’t going to buy any different food for him. I had eliminated white flour, white sugar and all the other bad white foods from our diets. Well as soon as he moves in it is why don’t your buy this ? why don’t you buy that? so on and so on!! I have given into him a little bit, but tell him if he doesn’t like it, he can provide his own meals!! He does do his own laundry and the toilet seat is always kept down – must have taught him well when he was younger!! But his room is aonther storey – thank God for doors!!
What a challenge. You can’t say no, because he isn’t asking. What do you say? Its tough. I’ve told my husband (repeatedly) I want to move. I want to relinquish the house we have lived in for 26 years because I don’t want that key in the door, or walking in without knocking. I’m not the kind of mother/grandmother who wants to babysit constantly, cook Sunday dinners, and pay for summer vacations. Just ain’t me. The summer will pass quickly. Rules. Rent. Just some to help out. Stick to your life.
I think you need to have a conversation with your 21 year old son. He comes home as a the partial adult he is. He cooks dinner for you on occasion, shops for the house, participates in the upkeep. He’s no longer your high schooler. You both will need to make adjustments – including the fact that you have a boyfriend. You make a plan about when and how you have dinner together, etc. I wrote my book thinking of strangers sharing housing, but I can see that it could be useful to the adult children and their parents sharing housing as well. It comes out in June, called “Sharing Housing:A Guidebook for Finding and Keeping Good Housemates.” Lots of additional information about sharing housing on my site… http://www.sharinghousing.com
Good luck.
It’s four months. If you don’t want him there say no and then you won’t have to worry about your empty nest–ever. Or write a book about how hard this was. Seem much ado about nothing. Sorry, but some of us have far greater problems than four months.
Maybe your son needs to get in touch with Financial Aid to supplement his expenses, thereby saving you the aggravation of taking on a male personage in your newly settled lifestyle. He can apply at http://www.fafsa.org.
Or, perhaps he could work and go to school part-time. Millions of students have done that. No way should you take him back in, unless you like playing the martyr. You will do him a greater service by making him stand on his own two (educated) feet and learn to make decisions that will propel him forward in life. If he comes to live at home with Mom, he will be hard to get rid of when he starts to get on your nerves and he may never get back into the school/wprk routine (since all his needs will undoubtedly be taken care of by you). Tough love. Mom.
I am missing something?
He can afford a semester ‘studying’ in Rome…but now can’t afford school in NY and needs to move back home.
What ‘s going on??? “And now, the rest of the story,” please.
Hi there. I just want to say…welcome him home. It is just for the summer. I also want to express that I think our society hurts in a way, from trying to make our kids go too far away to get a life of their own. Family closenss takes years to develop, and once they have their own home and family, they will be flying off for months, even years. So my advice; cherish the time with him, draw some really clear boundaries, and continue to guide him, as you always have, to become independent, autonomous, but to stay close in heart. And maybe leaving little notes by the light switch helps a bit. I also wonder if there are things going on inside him that he might need to talk to you about, guidance he might need as he confronts a world that is no longer simple - my heart goes out to the youth of our nation, now pulled in so many difficult directions -the dangers of drugs, health issues, learning how to handle a checking ccount, getting comfortable with his sexuality, getting preapproved credit cards in the mail -he may be struggling with something he can’t even verbalize. There is no one like “Mom”, just be his best freind too, and ask what is going on for him that you can listen to. :)
I can relate, my 27 year old step son moved in with us almost 2 years ago. He took a job that the starting pay would not allow him to live on his own. This was to be temporary until he passed his physical and enter the academy to become a police officer. All of this was to happen with in 6 months. He went for his physical once and failed it. It seems now he has given up. He does his own laundry (kindda) that is it. He doesn’t pay rent or for food and doesn’t hesitate to ask us to pick up things he likes at the store when”I am going”. His stuff has been spread out all over my house and he is starting to store stuff in my garage. The icing on the cake was when he came in during a conversation his Dad and I are having about selling our house and buying a condo in 2 years when we retire. The look on his face was “What about me?” I love this boy like he is my own, but how do my husband and I gently kick him out of the nest? We were smart enough to set rules in the beginning about no friends hanging at our house and NO OVERNIGHT guest. And every time he tries to buck these rules my husband says ” When you get your own place you can” but he doesn’t get it. HELP Suggestions anyone? EVERYONE? hehe
I have had adult children come back and I decided ahead of time to think of them as someone that I am renting a room to rather than a child of mine returning to the nest. The *nest* days are over once they move out. I am not willing to nor do I think I am helping at all by getting into any level of MoM mode. My goal as I raised the children (there are 5) was to release responsible and independent humans into the world. Many times I had to fight with myself because of course I wanted to do for them and continue to take care of them and make their lives as easy as I could…but then reality would tell me that I would be crippling them if I acted emotionally and that was not in their best interest.
I think it’s important to know what your personal comfort/tolerance level is BEFORE they move in and to decide what period of time is realistic for them to be there BEFORE they move back in. That conversation ideally should take place up front with all concerned at the table…just like we used to do when they were younger. I think that when they come back home they have all those expectations (conscious or unconscious) that they will have things just like they did when they were a child and living at home full time…”of course MoM will love having me home,of course MoM will want to cook and clean for me…she always did…what would be different now” If we don’t speak up then all those expectations and misunderstandings are well in place.
They have to know how long they can stay with us and that life is all about moving forward and personal growth and that yes we are doing that too. So even if after 2 years of a step son living in the house it’s not too late to sit down and have a chat. In essence his lease is up,it’s time for him to move on,you want the very best life for him and with him continuing to live at home he is not growing,he is not taking care of himself,he is if anything becoming more dependent and expectant on you and your husband and this isn’t in his best interest. Decide with your husband (if you think he’ll commit to a plan) what length of time is realistic. If you don’t think he’ll lock in on a plan then come to him with your plan (preferably in writing) and be ready to discuss it. Tell him you don’t want your lives together to get off track anymore than they already have and that you can support your step son emotionally and always will but not under the same roof.
I am speaking to you from experience. I had the adult son and his wife move home when he was in the midst of a career change after 17 years of employment and ended up staying here for 3 years because they bought a house and gutted it and did the remodel themselves. They paid the house taxes and the electric bill and kept the lawn up (I have over an acre) and we all chipped in on groceries. Both he and his wife worked.
Then I had the youngest son just NOT MOVE OUT and when he did it was with “friends” and that didn’t last and he was back and then he got in a near fatal car accident (multiple fractures of both femurs,all ribs,collarbone,both arms.wrist.hands were crushed and had to be rebuilt,spleen removed and cardiac effusion) After hospitalization and multiple surgeries and then off to a longterm care facility and then home with daily PT/OT visits and almost two years of getting his life back (or building a new one I should say),it was time for him to move out and live HIS life,sink or swim. I told him to make very sure that moving out WITH his girlfriend was indeed the right thing for him because there would be no revolving door here. I would welcome him back in this house for 3-4 days as a have to situation while moving or waiting for a place to open up but nothing more. He would from this point forward be a houseguest. He needed to make his own home. This seems to have worked.
I live in my home alone,I have been widowed for almost 12 years and I’ve heard the kids say from time to time that “MoM has room for us” and I tell them quickly that I love them dearly but MoM’s house is just that…they are so welcome to visit but they have to keep moving forward.
There’s more than the response you bargained for HAHA!
Jane
Judi, I went through that stage with my two sons – intermittent stays back home after going away. I missed them terribly when they first left, but they do change and they do return (often with inconsiderate friends and girlfriends in tow). You do have to set some ground rules and I think most reasonable young people will see that as your asking for a new, adult relationship. We all have different ‘settings’ as to how much we miss our kids when they leave home. I felt really lost for a while but then I got busy with work. It is a bummer to have to relinquish your freedom for a little while, but then, you will have the added reward of your son’s adult company. It is a chance to consolidate your relationship with him before you must permanently give him over to the next person {perhaps wife/partner} who will become the most important person for him. Don’t miss the chance – but do set a time limit so that he sees you are serious about your own freedom.
As someone whose 22 year old just finished college and moved home, I think with some creative thinking you can make this into a great opportunity. Why not start with assigning HIM the duty of making dinner for you once in a while? While he is at it, he could do the shopping, plan the meals and do some maintenance or repair work around the house for you.
While you are turning the tables on who serves whom, you could also use this opportunity to forge a real adult to adult relationship with your son – get to know him as a friend. This may be a once in a lifetime opportunity. Before long he may be super involved in a career and a family and may not have much time or energy for mom for many years to come.
I say set some guidelines about what you will and will not do for him at this stage, plan a few, but not too many, social interactions with him, such that they will not interfere with the life you want, and otherwise just enjoy this very fleeting moment that will pass before you know it.
This is great advice from a wise woman. Our son came back home after college to live temporarily with our blessing. Three months later we lost him in a tragic accident……….we are so happy he came back home and after his death we found an envelope marked “House Fund” with several hundred dollar bills in it that none of us knew about. He was a “smart cookie” who pulled his weight and had his fun. I pray no other mother would ever lose their son……. but welcome him back under your terms and enjoy him while you can. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and a few months …. for us it was April, May and June of 2007 were our last with our wonderful young man of a son. He was just shy of 19. So to all of you don’t second guess this one. Have him back and teach him a few things before gladly letting him go again.
Four months out of the rest of your life is nothing!! You have loved your son as a baby, a child and a teen – now you have a chance to spend a limited period together, getting to know and appreciate him as an adult. You even have his room available, so it’s not like he’d be sleeping on your lounge floor with his stuff littered everywhere… I’d say welcome him in, lay out the ground rules like any other house sharing arrangement and be grateful for this chance to further your relationship as adults. How many parents complain that once the kids are gone, they never see them? Also, it seems like you have a son who is committed to building a future for himself (all the studying) plus he’s being financially responsible and planning ahead to make that future happen. Your empty nest will still be there when he leaves and you’ll appreciate it all the more for having it back to yourself again!
So agree. We went through that with our three. We established rules right up the front: IF you are in school, there will be no rent charged, but if quite school, cash up front. Gave them chores and responsiblities. Did not do their laundry; expected to know when they would be home and no surpriser with guest; Would not dance around their dining routines. No way would I rush home to fix their dinner. He is a big boy, let him fix dinners for you. And lay down the law about the electric bill. And he buys his groceries or at least the special stuff he wants. And he is still getting it good. If he wants to be treated as an adult, he must accept the responsibility as an adult. Ours all turned out okay.
I like your post.
We have a FULL NEST meaning my mother-in-law lives with us. Not because she has any health stuff, but she’s a tremendous support for us.
I just interviewed an empty nester about the return of her kids and grandkids. Interesting.
http://www.itsafullnest.com/2011/04/04/reflections-moving-back-in-with-mom/
-Kanesha
Nice perspective.
I just wrote something with the same theme.
http://www.itsafullnest.com/2011/04/04/reflections-moving-back-in-with-mom/
-Kanesha