“Breathe,” said N, my yoga teacher, as I sat cross-legged on my yoga mat tonight. Ah, it felt so good to sit still and breathe again.
I looked at my Zen card that I had randomly selected for my practice this evening. It said Humility – “have the ability to empty out and then bring back in.”
That was exactly what I so wanted to do. I wanted to empty out all the sadness, fears, frustrations, and angry feelings, that were stirring in my body since a week ago.
I twisted left and right as I stretched my arms and legs and tried to free myself of the whirling emotions that were roiling throughout my body.
It was Sunday a week ago that I had stood at my mother-in-law’s grave site. How could it be that 15 months had passed since her passing?
And then four days later…just four days later…I was standing at my husband’s grave site, unveiling his memorial stone on what would have been his 58th birthday.How could it be that 18 months had passed since he left our family? How could it be that two years had passed since that tragic day when the blood let loose in his leg and changed his life and mine forever?
I had tried so hard to keep my emotions at bay, but last week everything re-surfaced and it felt like the big waves in the ocean had returned. Yes, the big waves were engulfing me again and I started swimming faster again to stay afloat.
“You are not doing your shoulder stand correctly,” said N, as she straightened out my body for our final practice.
“It’s all about the core,” said N, “The inversion is all about the strength in your core, it holds you up, not your legs.”
“I’m afraid,” I said to N as she pulled my legs up further so that I was almost doing a head stand. “I’m afraid I’m going to fall.”
“Don’t worry,” said N, “I’ve got you, I won’t let go…I won’t let you fall.”
I lengthened my legs to the ceiling and let all the emotions from the past week empty out of my body.
Strengthening my core is going to take a lot more time and forgiveness and I guess sometimes I’m going to have to let myself fall backwards, to move ahead. I don’t foresee doing shoulder stands on my own any time soon. It’s a yoga practice I really have to practice. In fact, I better go buy some more of my favorite lavender epsom salts. Looks like I might be needing a lot more baths to sooth my aching bones in the months to come.
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Hello! Your blog caught my attention because of its title–I, too, am a yoga practitioner and I know how important it is to strengthen our core. I also see how you very eloquently tied strengthening your core with strengthening your life. My yoga instructor “M” always says, “Breeeeed” in her thick Italian accent. In the beginning I wanted to laugh like a school kid when she’d say it. ** I came across this short article today and thought you might like it. Blessed be to you!
Honoring Life Changes
The Wisdom of Fear
Anything worth doing will always have some fear attached to it. For example, having a baby, getting married, changing careers—all of these life changes can bring up deep fears. It helps to remember that this type of fear is good. It is your way of questioning whether you really want the new life these changes will bring. It is also a potent reminder that releasing and grieving the past is a necessary part of moving into the new.
Fear has a way of throwing us off balance, making us feel uncertain and insecure, but it is not meant to discourage us. Its purpose is to notify us that we are at the edge of our comfort zone, poised in between the old life and a new one. Whenever we face our fear, we overcome an inner obstacle and move into new and life-enhancing territory, both inside and out. The more we learn to respect and even welcome fear, the more we will be able to hear its wisdom, wisdom that will let us know that the time has come to move forward, or not. While comfort with fear is a contradiction in terms, we can learn to honor our fear, recognizing its arrival, listening to its intelligence, and respecting it as a harbinger of transformation. Indeed, it informs us that the change we are contemplating is significant, enabling us to approach it with the proper reverence.
You might wish to converse with your fear, plumbing its depths for a greater understanding of the change you are making. You could do this by sitting quietly in meditation and listening or by journaling. Writing down whatever comes up—your worries, your sadness, your excitement, your hopes—is a great way to learn about yourself through the vehicle of fear and to remember that fear almost always comes alongside anything worth doing in your life.
Blessedbee,
Thanks so much for your comment. I really like the article you posted. Keep doing your yoga and be sure to breath.
Judi