I shared in a recent post on 482gr8 that my weight loss plateau has ended, for now. I discovered I wasn’t actually on a plateau, but I was eating healthy fats in too high of a quantity. I’ve made the necessary adjustments and now I’m back on track.
This week’s weigh in tells me I’m now benefiting from an 81 pound weight loss. While I still have quite a few pounds to lose, physically I feel great. I also feel weird.
I’m not sure I can explain this, but I’ll try. While my weight loss has been slow, I clearly remember how it felt to carry all that extra baggage. Simply walking from Point A to Point B left me panting. And my walk was more like a waddle from side to side. Getting out of a chair or off a couch was difficult. But over the years I got used to it. Carrying the weight didn’t feel good but it felt familiar.
Yesterday as I was walking around and going about my day, I felt physically strange. I felt lighter, which felt good, but I also felt like part of me was going away. I’ve experienced this throughout my weight loss journey as a new “set of pounds” went away.
As one who is recovering from various “isms” I have a history of using addictive substances, including certain foods to push down the feelings. Feelings I numbed included anger and sadness, but happiness as well. I would also attempt to numb fear, including a strange, hard to articulate fear that part of me was going away as the pounds came off. You guessed it, the pounds soon piled back on.
This time I think I am ahead of this emotional curve. I’m talking to trusted advisers and I’m writing about it and sharing it with anyone who reads this. I recognize I only have a daily reprieve from using behaviors and today I’m protecting that reprieve with all I’ve got.
I’m interested in your feedback. If you have lost a significant amount of weight (and by significant I mean an amount that is significant to you), did you ever feel like you were losing a part of yourself? Did that make you feel fearful? If so, how did you work through it?
I plan to work through this weird feeling…one day at a time.
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I’m worried about losing the extra pounds I’ve put on in the past year. From the fall of 2008 to now, I’ve been steadily eating my way for comfort and avoiding painful, scary emotions. I went through the divorce from hell in 2009. Sugar & salt were my allies. I’ve no friends (he has ran everyone away over the years) or family. I’ve stopped gaining, eating better, but still to big. I’ve gained 45lbs. I’m worried now about my skin. I’ve stretched it out, I’m 50 years old, how will I look after I loose this weight. I’m only worried about my face. I like my full cheeks. I’m pleased with my full figure(size14), but to much just sits on my belly, I don’t like that. I’m worried my face will sag & bag. It’s stupid I know, but it’s how I feel. My health is good all the numbers are in the normal range. My doctor said it’s up to me, I’m not in any danger. Just my own vanity. I’ve started walking daily, but I’m still worried about my chubby cheeks, I want to keep them. All my fine lines have been filled in. The dumb things we worry about when so many other things are more important.
Hi, WN. I’ve not yet experienced the sagging skin issue, so I don’t have anything to share about that. This could be due to the fact that the weight has come off so slowly. I can tell you that my face has a different shape and I have a hollow area below each cheekbone that didn’t exist 81 pounds ago. The hollows make my cheekbones appear more pronounced.
I have an idea what you mean. I have been yo-yoing for over 30 years. I would gain 50, lose 40, regain 60 etc. Whenever I would lose weight, it was not so much the fitting of the clothes but the living without extra pounds. After the weight loss I would get what I call Ah! Ah! moments. I would ‘feel’ lighter. My seat belt would be less snug, my feet hurt less, I was less oout of breath while walking. It was odd for a while before I could get used to it. I did get used to it and then regaining the weight, I would not get those Ah! Ah! moments. It seemed to be easier to adjust as I was gaining then the other way around. What’s up with that?
This time around, I am not sure if it is the attitude I have, the fact that my life is a lot easier since I left my ex, well, still a few glitches, but I am so much happier. Not sure what it is, but my body just feels so right with the shedding of the pounds. It’s as if having the pain, the confusion, being uncomfortable with my life etc. has made it not necessarily easy, but easier, this time around. I just go with the flow. Don’t kick myself if I did not do the exercise or gained instead of lost one week.
It is a combination of everything that has changed in my life that is now so positive that has me feeling as thought the changes in my diet and habits is just part of my life. To loose the weight is not the maine focus in my life. It is not holding me back and I don’t really need it to be happy. It is just part of me now. Eating well, exercise, shedding the pounds, slowly, but they are coming off.
the fear for me was not the fear of losing weight, and thus my body, my identity, not being the same. The fear might have come from the fact that even if I had lost the weight my life would not really be better being thiner. The problems that were there before I lost the weight were still there after I had lost. So I just regained after having worked really hard at losing. All that hard work and I looked great but still felt crappy. I think I equated being thiner with being happier, and it just was not the case at the time. Physically I felt better but I was still in a rut.
Fastforward to today. I am already happy and the getting thin part is a bonus and not the other way around.
anir
Interesting, Anir. I think via all of the emotional “stuff” I’ve worked on, I’ve let go of the notion that life will be perfect when I am at goal weight. For me, it’s about learning what my “new normal” feels like physically and getting used to that. Yet how I feel continues to change as I lose more weight. For example, I’ve gotten a lot stronger through weight lifting. Now I find myself slamming car doors and hubs thinks I’m angry when I do so. I’m not mad at all. I once got out of a chair using the same amount of force it used to require. I looked like I was trying to fly out of the room. I don’t know if all of this makes any sense, but I suppose I’m just readjusting to myself.
I think you make perfect sense. Food can work like any other addiction. Nicotine, alcohol, whatever — to push feelings down. I used whatever I could for so long that when I finally started to heal, a counselor pointed out that I couldn’t even actually identify an emotion. My labels were skewed. I thought hurt was anger, etc. And all those substances that keep feelings at bay protect us from realities that are just too difficult to manage sometimes. Just as denial is often a gift, being able to lose yourself in a substance of any kind can keep you sane right up until it becomes its own insanity.
I hope that you find utter joy in your unfamiliar leaps off the couch — and I just know that missing the security blanket of the familiar won’t send you back.
It’s a trip, isn’t it? Thank you for the encouragment, KG. It means a lot.
Keep moving ahead. Change is hard, but as some doors close, others open up if you pay attention. Here is a great C&W song about one woman moving on. I love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClNLPMeIKQQ
Thanks for the link, perlesrose. What a nice song.
Yes, I’m moving ahead by staying on my food plan, exercising and working on the emotional “stuff” I used to use over. And I’m slowly adjusting to feeling good physically. I’m sure it sounds strange to read that it’s an adjustment, but I had gotten so used to feeling gross, I’m having to learn how to feel…Vibrant.
I hope I’m not too late to contribute here, I noticed this post last week but have been away.
I like to watch silly “reality” shows like Project Runway or Survivor. And, of course, Biggest Loser. And one thing I’ve noticed about Biggest Loser is just how much CRYING goes on, compared to ALL the other shows. It became clear to me, even taking editing into account, these people are losing more than fat. They are grieving for – I`m not sure – the food they used to eat, the big person they used to be? After reading this post I think I have a better idea why they cry. It is withdrawal, sure enough, and letting go of the comfort of food.
I have lost almost 30 lbs in the past 18 months and that is significant to me, but it is more of a rediscovery of the body I used to have than anything new. So I feel ten years younger even if the lines on my face are more etched then they were 25 lbs ago. I miss my chubby cheeks but NOT the triple chin. It`s a fair trade-off.
What is new is how my friends react. I guess it is easy to ignore your own middle-age-spead when everybody is getting bigger around you. But when one person starts shrinking, well … One friend, a lifelong skinny, who has recently put on weight while waiting for a hip replacement, feels ìnspired that`she can do it too. The other, a big boisterious lady who lost a bunch of weight in 2005 (the break-up diet) and has gained it back with interest, worries that I have `body-dysmorphic disorder`and was maybe getting anorexic (heehee, maybe because I told her my diet mantra was `Stop Eating, you fat pig`- hey, it works for me)
I just spent the past week with her. She moaned about her size constantly, so unlike her, she was always big and BOLD, you know, larger than life, a force of nature. You know this kind of woman, if you are lucky. But instead of her big bold beautiful self, she was fat and unhappy, and it was because of me. It was a completely unexpected and unintended consequence of my losing weight.
Has anybody else experienced that? Do your friends feel bad about themselves because you lost wieght?
Stellaaa, I’m glad you wrote. I have noticed the tears on Biggest Loser and agree with you that there is obviously more going on than just pounds lost. For those of us with large amounts of weight to lose it can be quite a head trip. For me, I’m losing a protective “shell” that in my past, twisted thinking, I used to keep others at bay. I’m now learning how to participate in life. Heck, I’m learning how to grab life by the tail and have a blast. But that can be scary as well. I can no longer blame my size for not being a participant in life. Does any of that make sense?
As for friends feeling bad about themselves because of my weight loss, I’m only aware of one person who feels that way. But she’s reached out to me for support and she knows I’ll help her any way I can.
You put your question out there for others to respond to. I’m looking forward to the feedback that comes our way. Thanks so much!
I had lap band surgery 1 1/2 years ago. I spent 2 1/2 years before that examining my eating habits and making small changes. Right after the surgery I lost my job so I have no insurance and could not keep up with fills to band. I have slowly lost 60lbs but I think it is great with almost nothing in band. It has been 1 1/2 years more of learning. May 31st this year I changed my eating habits and added exercise(something I thought I would never do) and lost 20lbs since then. I realized I needed to change more than my eating habits and exercise or this would not work. I am now getting counseling to help with emotional issues that contribute to the old eating patterns. I worry about how my body will look as I lose weight. I have been 250+ since 17. My skin is stretched out and no longer youthfully elastic. But as I lose the lbs I will deal with those issues and I do relate to the comfort of what you are used to. My health issues are getting better with weight loss but I now feel lost a bit about who I am the weight has been my comfortable companion for a long long time. Eating was my comfort and now it is no longer comforting and I am trying to learn new comforts. I am back in school full time to learn to be a nurse which is a life long dream and shortly I will be single. I am in process of leaving my husband of 10 years and so I have a lot on my plate. I don’t think I would be able to do it all if not for the help of friends and my counseling. I have a long way to go – my goal is still 75 lbs away and the doctors goal is further… ( I think it is a little unrealistic) but I am taking it little by little, a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. I am just trying to think that this is a discovery time… who I am and what do I want for my life… I think it is time.. I hope you will find a new way to enjoy who you are through each step… good luck!
I had lost 30lbs which is a lot for me but not nearly enough. This 2 weeek I hae gained 5lbs of it back I think because of stress. I was happy in the 30 lb loss and never felt I was loseing a part of myself. It has been really hard to lose because I dont eercise because of several healtrh reasons. However it does deprsess me for the 5 lb gain and It will be even harder to lose. I would like to lose about 15 more lbs. It still would not be a healthy weight but I don’t want a lot of flabby skin and more “turkey” neck and plastic surgery is out of the question.but good luck wiith your weight loss.
Thank you, bitboo3. Weightloss and fitness is quite a process, isn’t it. I know it’s frustrating, but gains seem to happen to the best of us. Thankfully, if we stay on our food plans those gains are often temporary set backs. Good luck to you!