Age 5: I was Raggedy Ann to Neil Fishbein’s Raggedy Andy in the end-of-year school show. I loved Neil and he loved me. This would seem to set me up for a lifetime of bliss (talk about “getting old together”) but, the day ended tragically. My fake braids smeared my heavy white theatrical face paint into a pretty close approximation of the Dawn of the Dead. Neil’s family moved to another neighborhood. Tragically, because he was five years old, he was forced to go with them. It would be eight years before I would see him again. By then, we would have each gone our separate ways.
Age 15: This was a year of anguish, followed by terror. Anguish that no boy would ever ask me to go steady, terror that one actually did. I agitated all night, called him in the morning, told him I couldn’t go steady with him. He said “Oh, OK.” Like it didn’t matter anyway.
Age 25: Married, just out of grad school, one year into my first special ed teaching job. Life was great, if you consider having a classroom of potential Jeffrey Dahmers great. I spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom and reassessing my career choice.
Age 35: A two year old, a six year old, a seven year old, a job as a realtor. I spent a lot of time screaming at my kids, “Hey! If people had personal computers and someone invented blogs and then invented mommy blogs, I would have an outlet for all this! I could write about you kids all day long and people would laugh their guts out and subscribe and comment and I could watch my stats all day and dream about being Freshly Pressed! ” And the kids yelled back “If there were computers, you’d be running to us all day to answer your questions and fix your problems. And if you had a blog you wouldn’t know how to do anything but put a stupid old timey photo at the top.”
Age 45: Then Husband and I separated. I bought a house. The real estate market went into the crapper, and with it, my income. I used heat sparingly (the plants flourished), didn’t eat out, served the kids Hot Pockets for dinner, and never went on vacation. I spent some time crying in the bathroom, reassessing my life choices.
Age 55: I was selling a lot of real estate, running a speed dating company, and being too busy to notice that I was divorced and living alone with a cat. When Now Husband came along, he was attracted to my being far too busy to want a permanent relationship. In retaliation, I sold the speed dating company the following year.
Age 65: The kids are grown and have survived sibling mayhem, parental divorce, and too many dinners of Hot Pockets. They are, remarkably, pretty remarkable adults. They chose significant others who are also their best friends. They love their jobs, their friends, and the cities they live in. My daughter has two children and she emulates only the best of my parenting, while leaving out the stuff we won’t talk about.
Now Husband jokingly tells people that his main activity in life is to make me happy. Except he isn’t joking. And he assumes all men must be hot for me. I laugh when he says that, although the real truth is that I can still turn heads.
I hate that my body moves more slowly than it used to, that when I roll over in bed, my back hurts, that sex is accomplished in mostly one position, that photos of myself scare me, that I can no longer run up and down the stairs or sit in a pretzel position on the floor or reach way under the bed to grab something. I hate that reaching way down into the crib to pick up my grandson must be planned like a military operation . I hate that my memory fails at the oddest times, that I am beginning to lose a grip on pop culture, that I think a lot about being home in bed with a book when I am out in the evening. I hate that people in charge can look younger than my children.
I love that I own my age. I love that I embrace the years, each and every one. I love that two friends and I decided to write a book and we did. And then we wrote another. I love that we have been so fortunate to have spoken to countless people and that they have shared their dreams with us and inspired us and made us grateful every day for the community of women.
I love that I am funny and that I can see the absurdities of life. I love that I can laugh so hard in public that I pee in my pants, preparing me for the time when I will pee in my pants without the aid of humor. I love that I am silly and irreverent and can still embarrass the hell out of my children. I love that my kid’s friends seem to actually enjoy my company. I love that I am still fifteen inside, but without the fear of boys.
I love that life is finite but vision is infinite. I love that I have been thinking about making a 20 year plan and I have declared that the next twenty years will be the most powerful period of my life. I love that my plan scares me. In a good way.
Saturday, May 5, is the day. Happy 65th Birthday to me. Go celebrate amongst yourselves.
Please do not ignore your gut! It is telling you something and you don't want to listen. It's yelling loud and clear. There are red flags here. Please listen!
Greetings, Arden,
Thanks for the interesting questions. Wow--it WOULD take a book to answer them all! When I got to the last sentence, I laughed out loud, cause--guess what--there IS a book, and of course we'd be delighted for you to buy it. It is 
... Can I hear an AMEN in the VN house ? (:
DON'T give up...Never..and you'd be surprise how life works...a gift of love can come from just anywhere and when you least expect.in the meantime HONOR yourself because you are indeed the BEST friend and support to yourself.I worked very hard on rel
Hi Renee,
I love your post and found myself identifying with much of your “feeling world” at those ages. Those years weren’t always easy, for sure! However, the paragraph I LOVED was the one copied below…so funny!! Hey…you wrote this directly from my life at 65 plus! Too funny and true! Lol
“I hate that my body moves more slowly than it used to, that when I roll over in bed, my back hurts, that sex is accomplished in mostly one position, that photos of myself scare me, that I can no longer run up and down the stairs or sit in a pretzel position on the floor or reach way under the bed to grab something. I hate that reaching way down into the crib to pick up my grandson must be planned like a military operation . I hate that my memory fails at the oddest times(!)that I am beginning to lose a grip on pop culture, that I think a lot about being home in bed with a book when I am out in the evening. I hate that people in charge can look younger than my children’ (!).
I look for books on those of us 65 and older, but can’t seem to find many that I can identify with as much as what you have said in the above paragraph! So many authors tend to almost go into bragging mode about their past achievements and present day glory. I guess I do like to hear the “hard truths”, but, at the same time, how one copes and adjusts to these drastic changes! I want more intimate details of what is really going on in their lives…the “good, the bad, and the ugly!” Lol This is a rare book! I am a memoir lover and do look for how people have fared through their lives, especially into the ‘older ages’. so, write a book on this subject and I will buy it!
Happy birthday, Renee! I hope we are still on VN twenty years from now!
Thank you and amen to that! When my co-authors and I wrote our books, we wanted to show real life: the good, the bad, and the surreal. But rhough it all, we wouldn’t change a day of our lives for anything. And we wouldn’t turn the clock back, either.
Wow. You are the BOMB!!!!!! I laughed out loud, and felt better about life in general – you remind me that despite some things I’ve lost, there is so much more I’ve gained. The trade-off has been overwhelmingly positive. It reminded me the “Good Old Days” weren’t a big freakin’ bowl of cherries, and that there is so much to be grateful for today. So much to appreciate, so much o be proud of – and so much yet to look forward to. Thank you for your wit and wisdom!!!!
I need to find someone like you to write a book with…..
Thanks, Rose. While you are waiting to write your book, START WRITING your book! I can’t say enough about the power of writing your life. Take a topic, any topic, and write. Don’t try to edit yourself, just put words to paper. Your own experiences and wisdom will flow. It will be an amazing experience.
Loved your post Renee. And I love how you teach us all to take aging in stride. I’d never want to be 20 again or even 30 or 40 I think every year gets better!
Thanks for reminding us of how wonderful we are as we age. Hope you have a very Happy Birthday!
Lisa
Thanks, Lisa!
Happy Birthday. It sounds as if it will be for you. Ah, but I do love your attitude. What angst we all have about getting older. Our culture doesn’t honor age as other’s do. Youth is worshipped in the western world and BOY did we buy into it. I think it is wonderful that we have this forum to be honest with others. So often, as Evie says, what we read has the grit edited out……
Thanks. Yes, our culture raves about older celebs and the power of older women, but still expects them to look like they did 30 years ago. It’s very dysfunctional. I’m all for people looking as good as they want to, but let’s please respect the aging process. That, in itself, is a fascinating journey. Re grit: I love my life, grit and all.
I’m loving everyone’s posts. Some inspiring stuff! Looking at the “grit”, “owning our age”, not allowing our culture to dismiss us after a certain age…
I’m surprised though that I am STILL struggling to accept the loss of the sexual power that I had for so many years. It’s a tough one. That power was delicious. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel sexual, can still turn an older head or two, but it’s not like the old days! ( why did I add that last sentence?? See what I mean? Still trying to convince others I’m attractive! lol )
I think decreased sexual power is more pronounced for me now because I’m just 7 mos out of a marriage to man who was sexually attracted to me. Now single at 63, I’m home on Friday nights. Being married for me helped to blunt the reality of decreased sexual power.
Of course, I truly believe there are many forms of power, ways of being, and wonderful adventures to take in my next 20-30 years. I’m bracing for the challenges too
.
I love VN! So appreciate our collective wisdom.
The older I get, the more I realize that my sexuality comes from within. I might have had firmer breasts, fewer sags, and a tighter butt long ago, but I was less confident of myself as a sexual being. Now I see myself as sexual if I choose, but my sexuality doesn’t define me. I am more sexual and more than my sexuality.
“Sexuality may may come from within”, but it always helped me to know my special guy was sexually attracted to me!
I remember being in a situation, like Chris has described, newly divorced, a little frightened, and feeling a decrease in my sexual attractiveness/powers…a little like a castaway! One does have to wonder, at an older age, will that old spark return?!
Actually, it does return if one meets the right guy! The right guy being one who can be trusted, who totally appreciates a quality, vibrant woman and he still has a strong sex drive (!), also, he must adore you! They are out there, but it takes some serious shopping!
It takes two, to Tango!! :)
Yes, you are absolutely right. But don’t you think that part of why people are attracted to us sexually is because we see ourselves as sexual? I’m asking this an an open question. I’d love to hear feedback.
Yep Renee, I do think exuding sexuality is a turn on to men, and probably more necessary than ever when we are 50+. What kind of sexuality is it though? It can’t be forced or contrived, and it certainly can’t be a desperate attempt to look like a much younger hotie. What is it?? What does that sexuality look like, the qualities? Feel free to join in!
I’m thinking of confidence that’s reflected in open direct face, great posture, looking at a man as a sexual being, as somene fascinating and unique…..
Yes Renee, I agree. I think when we feel sexual we telegraph that in some way. Maybe we have a swagger!
Okay ladies, I have another “angle” and a bit of ‘my own personal input!
I met my second husband, who happened to be a very handsome guy (still is!) and even though I was so far from “sexual” back then, he pursued me like a heat seeking missile!
For many reasons, that I won’t go into at this time, I had been “flattened” sexually when I met my hubby. I had worked on my looks, (after a long term marriage) lost weight, had a partial face lift, new wardrobe, etc., but if sex was part of my agenda, it remained foggy to me. Admittedly, I thought some guys were “cute”, but I could never flirt or openly or flaunt my sexuality! Shyness kept me very inhibited in this area!
EVERYTHING changed when I started having friendly dates with my book club buddy! First of all, we talked non-stop about our favorite books (mostly psychology/philosophy) and THAT is why and how we fell in love! When we had our first “encounter”, I was very frightened and unsure of myself! My sex life, until that time, had been mostly the “missionary position” and that was very sporadic! Ugh I was like a 53 year old virgin! Really!
My hubby fell in love with my mind, first, and then led me into fantastic sexual experiences! He is nine years younger than me and our sex life is still pretty hot, but our ongoing conversations and interests are the fuel that keep the fire burning!
As of late, aging has been a struggle and I have expressed many of my concerns, here on VN. I’ve also been talking to my DH about my concerns. He shrugs it off and says, “Hey, I’m aging, too…we’ll mange!” This is a sixty year old, very fit, guy talking to a 70 year old (next month) not so fit, me! Sex is still part of my life, but boy (!) is my mind on this whole aging thing, a lot! Well, that’s another story!
I guess, bottom line, exuding sexuality is pretty cool, but attracting a deep, meaningful, relationship is so much more about CONNECTING on a deeper level. That’s when sex takes one to another dimension altogether!
Hawk Lady, I need to work on my “swagger”. Lol
Your husband-to-be was a “heat seeking missile”, huh Evie? ha, ha How nice
and without you exuding your sexuality. I totally agree that connecting on a deeper level matters alot and leads to the best sex and relationships. Sounds like the book club meetings were a perfect way for the two of you to discover each other and connect initially. Then the series of “friendly dates” sealed the deal.
The challenge though I think for women 50+ is to interest a man enough initially to want to start those friendly dates. That’s where the sexual “swagger” comes in.
Sounds like your husband has truly enriched your life, although putting myself in your shoes with the 9 year age difference, I can appreciate why you may feel vulnerable about that. I think it’s gutsy for women to marry a man more that a few years younger. If your man still doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem, can you let go of your fears? As we all know, absolutely nothing is certain in life, we have no control over others. Wish it were easier to live one day at a time, appreciate what we have for as long as we have it…
Sex is physical Sexuality is 100% mental and emotional. I think what some older women deal with are issues like: If I’m not having sex, am I still sexual? If I don’t want to have sex am I still sexual? And a lot of women never experienced good sex in their marriages and don’t know what it feels like to be sexual. I’m guessing, Evie, that your sexuality was intact, even though you hadn’t had sex in awhile and even though you might not have been aware of it. That is what your husband responded to, in addition to the itellectual connections. As for the age difference, I’d say that if you have trusted him up until now, keep doing so. It would damage the relationship to start doubting him now. Believe you are the woman he fell in love with, and continue to be that woman.
Renee,
You’re right, I probably did have dormant, “”in tact” sexuality, but never had learned to use it. I have always been rather naive about the power of sex in relationships. My whole approach was to get a guy to like me, be friends, build trust. etc., and hold off on jumping into bed! As a result, my first marriage was a lot like being married to my “brother”. There wasn’t much “exuding sex” in our house! We had a “beaver Cleaver” household to a “T”. I was June Cleaver…even wore an apron and high heels! Lol
I guess I was ready for a change!
Chris,
You’re response gave me a laugh…I guess I was pretty explicit! I can get carried away when I want to make my point!
You asked if I can let go of my fears, being so much older than my hubby. In the earlier years, I think I was more concerned than I am now. He has a rather public job and worked (still works) with a lot of younger, and often attractive, women. I used to fret a bit and would look for confirmation, in his behavior…is all okay with us? He was (and still is) really great about reassuring me and including me in some of his work activities. In time, my confidence in our relationship grew stronger and I relaxed around all of my fears.
These days, even though my increasing age is a total pain (often literally!) I feel comfortable in our relationship and have only little twinges of “what if”. You know, you reach a certain age when “Letting go” makes a lot of sense! One of the old sages used to say, “Don’t worry, be happy” and I am most of the time!
It helps to have have VN when we go a little insane, doesn’t it? Lol
Thanks to all of you for your wonderful posts and responses!
I am a 65-year old Freshman in college. I wrote about my life of overcoming (and thriving and won a scholarship).
Divorced after 36 years of abuse, and been on the dating scene (ugly, ugly) for 7 years ; I despair of ever finding anyone I want or love, but will never give up.
It is EXcruciating to not be held or have sex..llI still feel 18 and don’t have any complaints that I hear people (here) talk about; my mother was in her lat 70′s before she felt an different , so I guess it is genetic.
Most of the above posts are by women, and many of you seem insecure about your sexuality at your age. Please don’t be! While it’s true that many of us guys prefer younger women, there are some (like me) that find women over 50 much sexier.
Excellent post, Renee, & great discussion of this post as well. I liked your frank telling of the good and the bad of aging so much that I just shared it on my “Savoring Your Sixties” page on Facebook. Thanks.