I decided, a few months after I separated from my husband, that I would start saying “yes” to things instead of “no.” I decided the time was right to venture into the real world sans husband. Some of these may seem like very tiny steps to some of you…but each tiny step signifies my willingness to branch out.
1. Disneyland rides. While in Anaheim on a business trip, I conceded and went to Disneyland…and rode every ride. And laughed my fool head off.
2. Bought colorful…and beautiful pencil skirts from JCrew…Vibrant Flame is my favorite…and I have the sweater to match. No more black every, single day. Oh, I still wear black, but I love those pops of color in my closet.
3. Every time my sister calls and says, “Hey you wanna…fill in the blank…” I say, “Sure. When do we leave?” Shopping, movies, dinner, just hanging out with her and her grandkids.
4. Sushi. Never had tried it. I ate it, and I loved it.
5. Raw Oysters. Had tried them once, but tried them again in Seattle on a business trip…loved them.
6. Turbo Kick. Yes.
7. Plays with my coworkers…yep. Tomorrow night is Blues Brothers. We plan to have fun, and I know we will.
8. Line dancing lessons. This one will be interesting…and funny I’m sure. We start in April. I’m excited.
9. Sleeping late when I feel like it…yep.
10. Getting involved in an organization dedicated to helping people in poverty…yep. I’m now on the Board of Directors.
11. Waking up every day knowing there will be opportunities…yep, yep, yep!
12. Taking an online session with this wonderful woman to help me get “unstuck”…yep.
My social calendar was empty just a couple of months ago. Now, it’s just where I want it. I am actually in demand 
.
Oh…and I’ve learned to say “no” too. When I don’t feel like doing something, I just smile and say, “no, thank you.”
Life is good!
Thanks for sharing. I have had pets all my life and letting go never gets easy. I put down my last little sweety at age 8. It was so unexpected. She kept getting sick and the last time at the vet the visit ended in my leaving my little Chloe at the c
Sounds like the country song, “She Let Herself Go” – he left her because she let herself go (because he wouldn’t ever do anything with her) and when he left, she let herself go … shopping, to the salon & spa, dancing, to Hawaii, on cruises … lol!
Good for you, Vicki! Amazing how we can start living when we least expect it!
Its so good to read about you saying yes. I am separated and I only go to work. I am asked by friends but I always say no. I think I am stuck in a rut. I am separated and need to be saying yes also. I think I will try and change some things.
Stuck in a Rut
Just say YES!
….. you will find that you are NOT stuck.
You are on track ”thinking about it”.
You GO girl!!!!!!
Toni…please try it! I pretty much sat in my house alone for several months, but I felt like I needed that time to just think. Then I realized I was isolating myself. Actually my 80 year old father who is the best man in the world said, “Vicky, you need to get out. Do not isolate yourself. You deserve some fun.”
Well…I always mind my daddy
. And he is wise and good and loves me. So I started saying yes, and I found myself laughing like a kid again. Please give yourself the gift of joy amd fun! And let us know.
Vicky
Yay…a new country song for my life. I realize this post sounds completely opposite of the one I posted about being still. The difference is…I am learning how to set parameters around the different parts of my life. My career is work. My social time is fun, and my spiritual time is part of my rest, pray, and reflect. Balance is making me happy. That and a lot of freedom
.
That’s where I want to be. I have been separated only 2 1/2 mos. The wound is still fresh. He on other hand is moving rapidly. He never admitted it but I believe he met someone and it’s killing me. I keep myself busy going to zumba 3x a week, working daily and going out with friends every other week. I see a therapist every other week. I guess it’s part of the separation process. Need to move. In a lot of pain. Time will heal all wounds.
Evelyn…oh honey, yes it will get better. As a matter of fact, it will get good. I didn’t believe it. I initiated the divorce. I was angry, crying, frightened of my future DURING the marriage, but I didn’t want to be divorced at my age…55. After he left, I just sat…and was still angry, crying, frightened of my future. I read, prayed, and reached out to women here and around me. My doctor, who was stunned at how far I had sunk, prescribed a mild antidepressant and insisted she would not let me leave the office until I had an appointment with a counselor. I think they saved my life…
You are doing the right thing by exercising and getting help. It will get better…it will get good! Prayers up for you.
What is an “online session with this wonderful woman”?
I am separated, still cycling between feeling awful and feeling almost ok. I need a job! I haven’t worked since 1995 and nobody is breaking down the door to hire me, even though I know I will be awesome once given the chance.
I get so worried about not having a job that I keep hanging on to the anger that I am no longer in a secure, lifelong partnership.
I need to get unstuck!
Her name is Michele Martin and she has an amazing site called The Bamboo Project. Her focus is on Career Clarity…but what she does is basically help you move forward by guiding your through what’s keeping you stuck.
She is insightful, and even if you decide not to do the online thing, her blog and website are rich with resources!
But…the work on ourselves is still ours to do. People can guide us and help us, but the work…and the subsequent joy…are ours! You will get better.
That is great. Sometimes even if you are still married you can stay in a rut and need to get out there. I joined a meet up group to do things I enjoy like hiking, theater and other events instead of staying home and wishing I was doing something. I wish I had started years ago.
You’re lucky, I said no so much people stopped asking me. I have tried doing the asking, but people must think I’m anti-social now so they generally say no.
Find you some new people! I am now on the Board of Directors of a new non-profit an acquaintance turned friend was starting. Our goal is to link people in poverty to the resources they need to help them leave poverty behind. We’re involving the education community, churches, civic leaders…our state senator is onboard with us. Through that effort, I have met a lot of new people, and I am giving back to my community for something about which I am passionate.
Don’t give up!
Hi Vicky1956. Your post is so what I needed to hear today. Thanks for the “it will get good” phrase. I am 59 years old and am recently divorced as of Jan 6th after 39 years of marriage and I too still cycle between feeling awful and feeling OK. I call the feeling awful part “funk”. It has a life of it’s own and comes and goes at its own will. Sometimes absolutely debilitating. I initiated my divorce as my ex-husband was totally against it…but in my opinion he was in denial about the facts of our relationship. To exacerbate my situation we learned 13 days after I filed that his Lymphoma had relapsed and he went back into chemo. Talk about guilt! He’s cancer-free now but has started proceedings for a Stem Cell Transplant. The majority of the time I feel like a stranger in a strange land but I do fight the “hermit attitude” as I do want to live. i so much need all you girls and your input. I’m thankful I found this website. You all have a good day!!
Hi Peggy
Our situation is similar. I initiated divorce at age 55 and 24 years of marriage. My ex was, also, against the divorce although he was emotionally withdrawn, enjoyed his few friends and not his family, choose not to participate in family fun activities, intimacy was non existent, etc. I asked my ex “what he thought he would miss if we divorced”….he did not answer. We both worked and had good pension plans. I, too, was concerned about his health; what he would eat since he didn’t cook and needed to watch his diet, etc.
Twelve years have passed. He is in a long term relationship and, probably, functions the way he did with me. We have a decent relationship but I still see and feel the issues that caused me to divorce him. I’m not in a meaningful relationship but could be.
I have decided that I will live without a significant relationship rather than endure a relationship that is minus compatibility, compassion, shared and separate interests, etc. I have many positive interests and belong to several groups.
We all will do more than survive. We will thrive!
Hey DJ, yes it sounds like we have some similarities. As far as “family fun activities” went it, was just him and me as our children are grown and have families of their own but I didn’t much want to do things with him as he pretty much took the “fun” out of things. We also lacked intimacy in more ways than one. Our relationship was very superficial and after we talked about the weather, what we had for lunch and what we were gonna have for dinner and any current kid info there was nothing left to talk about. Plus he’s always had anger issues…quick to get aggravated and hard to have a different opinion with. You’ve been divorced for 12 years?? Wow! I’m with you though…I’d rather not be in a relationship at all unless it included compability and compassion and my list grows every day. Ha. I agree that your ex probably functions in his new relationship the same way he functioned with you. Personally I think people can change their behavior if they truly desire to but that they can’t change you they are deep down inside.
Go Girl ! Life is to be lived.
Hello again girls. I need to update my last post and get some much needed “hang in there” advice. My last post said that my ex was in Stem Cell transplant proceedings and actually had his transplant March 22nd. He was in the hospital for 3 weeks. I was there for him…going to the hospital and actually spending 3 nights (on my weekends). He was totally unable to take care of himself when he came home and I temporarily moved back into our house to do that on April 3rd and am still there. He is much better and will soon be able to handle his care again. Our kids live too far away to help and he has no siblings or family in our state. I truly wanted to help him but it has been so difficult and as the time nears that I leave again I fear it will be as horrible as it was when I left back in August and filed for divorce. My biggest emotion is pity and sorrow for him and I am continually “renewing” and re-focusing on the facts of our relationship and examing my true feelings. I know I made the right decision initially but I haven’t been allowed to move forward as of yet and any progress I had made pre-transplant seems to have disappeared. Please tell me it’s gonna be OK for me girls!