Suzanne Braun Levine, author of Fifty Is the New Fifty: Ten Life Lessons for Women in Second Adulthood
Women in their early 50s often find themselves in a transition period I call “the fertile void.” It’s a very confusing time. You wonder what to do with the rest of your life. You get a pencil and paper and make a list of all the things I always wanted to do. You might take the list and try to prioritize it. But if your experience is anything like mine, your next thought is, “What’s wrong with me? I don’t want to do any of these things. I must be lazy or tired or fearful.”
That’s when I started to realize that I wasn’t the same person I was when I first came up with these goals, except older. I really was somebody who was in flux, whose characteristics were being reshuffled, whose relationships were readjusting, who was redefining every part of who she was.
For most of us, the hardest thing to do is to be patient and give ourselves the time we need to stay with this free fall, this time of confusion, where we’re behaving erratically. People will get impatient and say things that are meant to be helpful. “What’s the matter with you? Why don’t you figure out what you want to do? Why don’t you get on with it? Why don’t you retire? Why don’t you get a job?” Often we’re impatient with ourselves too.
The fertile void is like Alice in Wonderland’s rabbit hole–you don’t know which end is up. But within all the confusion is this awakening to caring about what you think, saying no to what you don’t want to do with the rest of your life, and beginning to say yes to wat you do want to do. The more we push against this irrational state of mind with rational solutions, the longer it takes. Realistically, it can be a year or two before you realize that you’ve got your feet on the ground.
When we’re in this state, it’s hard to tell one another just to go with the flow. But we can tell one another that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy. And that this is part of something very exciting, a big transition–because what lies ahead is big.
Read Suzanne’s Vibrant Nation interview, Learning to say “no” and how it changed my life
Have you experienced–and emerged from–”the fertile void”? Share your midlife crisis story below!
thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
I have some regrets, like I regret I never went back to school. I regret that I did not have another child while I could (I was a single mom for 21 years, until she was grown and married!). I am still depressed that I cannot have another baby with the man I married (I married for the first time at 48– I am now 50!). But I dont regret getting married. I just hate growning old, because I feel I did not DO enough while I was young. Is there anyone else who did not get their babymaking over with, before they were unable to? How do you deal with that sadness? The only thing I feel that is positive about the whole thing, is that I am going to be a grandmother the middle of May.
tygerswife Hey there. Just stumbled across this post and felt inclined to respond. As I began to read your post I immidiately wanted to tell you the virtues of grandmotherhood…and then you mentioned that you were going to be a grandma the middle of May. Yippee!! How’s it going? Boy or girl? Do you live near? Are you loving it? I’d love to hear more! Gwen
Gwen Orwiler Age 51 & Grandma of 7 — blended family –and lovin every minute!
Dear tygerswife – I too married later in life. My husband is 15 years older than me and had four children who were in their early 20s. I worked on creating a strong relationship with his young adult children but kept the envelope open on having my own child until I was in my late-forties a decade after we married. Now a decade later I have six grandchildren with whom I couldn’t have a stronger relationship if I had either a blood or legal adoptive relationship with their parents. And, while I still have moments in which I grieve not having had my own children, I have come to realize that every choice has its consequences and I’d be grieving something else if I’d taken a different path. So, rejoice in what you have! And, if you’re interested scroll down to what I just posted in response to Suzanne’s piece. – Nadine
Hi Suzanne, thanks to you and VN for your book. I’ve been reading it, and enjoying it. I’m finding myself at a point of realization in my life, and that is that my life will probably never be ‘normal’. Now that I am 49, I’m feeling more comfortable about how to handle this fact. Meanwhile, I’m doing more of what I want to do, now, and deciding to make better decisions that I feel comfortable with and knowing that I can still change my mind if I want
Now, here’s an honestly silly response … — I tend to hide the cover. I’m 49, and recent experience of living 11+ years in Ghana (as a US citizen), has made me avoid telling people my age. I’m small, active and in good health, and people insisted that I didn’t look 49, they’ve put me at 28 to mid 30′s, to early 40′s (after they hear I have a 22 yr old son), in Ghana. (On the other hand, I often feel that many of my friends my age look similarly age ambiguous).
When the men (especially) that I worked with, or associated with found that I was older, they often became nasty or more distant, and in some cases cruel. (I was not trying to date.) Women were more cool, though I had age issues with them, as well, since I was often their senior. In all, it was a sometimes tenable situation, because age is an important part of Ghanaian society. Since I was living for 2 1/2 of those 11+ years on my own, and working mostly in volunteer or barter situations, I learned that it was usually best to keep away from conversations dealing with age. (I used my engineering background to find consulting opportunities,… another long story, short)
Now that I am back in the states, I am still somewhat reluctant to ‘go there’ to the age question, though the cooler and drier weather has “aged” me closer to my real age, in my mind. I still find that one of the first questions tends to be how to figure out how old I am. I don’t even ask people their age. The other day, at the new job, where I work part time as a food server in a elder resident home, something happened. A woman that I was serving was letting me know that she couldn’t hear me, well, and asked could I speak up. She was smartly dressed, moved around with a roller, had a beautiful head full of white hair, and had finished her meal, when I noticed that she had spilled some food on her blouse. I told her, and she let me remove it.
We talked more, until somehow we came to the point where she asked me,
“How old do you think that I am?”
I said, “Can you give me a hint?” because I really had no idea, after years of not guessing about such things, maybe 88, since she asked, I pondered?
She asked, ” Are you any good at figures?”
I answered, “Well, … yeah, … I guess (smiling to myself).”
“I was born in 1905!” She spouted out. — “Ask me anything!”
When I heard ’05′, I put down my menu, and quickly took her soft, warm hand so that I could shake it.
I told her, as I fumbled in by brain with the math and the numbers, “Why you’re…” it actually took me a minute to check my figures because I already realized that she was saying that she was over 100 years old, (and I felt honored to be in her presence) but I still hadn’t done all the math…”…you’re 103?”
“Yes, she said, I was born in November.”
I was relieved, because, I hadn’t said 104 because I had used 2008, instead of 2009, to do the math.
We laughed with each other for a long time, and would have stayed even longer, until another table began to complain that they had not received their meal yet.
Before excusing myself, I told her that she had made my day!
She was more than twice my age. She said that she had to pretend to hear and see better than she actually does, because people don’t realize how old she really is. We shook hands on our both pretending, because, you see, she had thought that I was 17, from what she could see. I asked her if she could keep a secret, and I quietly told her that I was 49. She was as surprised about my age, as I was about hers, but you know what, we laughed at ourselves and both got over it, quickly.
I’m looking forward to visiting with her, again.
At this point in my life, it’s good to have people to listen to and talk with. I look forward to asking her anything! She must have some good stories to tell!
Kanmko – I’m a decade ahead of you and my advice, “say it loud, say it proud!” I had an experience much like your where I met a woman three decades older than me who was still exploring her live’s journey. I hugged her and told her how inspired I was by her example that you can keep learning and growing forever. I also find that people often tell me I don’t look mu age (i.e.: they think I’m younger) but I tell them I love being my age because of the wisdom I’ve gained. Those who are turned off, I probably people I really don’t want to work with or be friends with anyway. So, “own” the years you’ve clocked in and all that’s taught you. And, if you’re interested scroll down to what I just posted in response to Suzanne’s piece. – Nadine
Susan: Ahhh… the wonderful law of attraction drew me to you today! I love your article and can’t wait to read your book! Sounds wonderful! Since I’ve been experiencing my wonderful life purpose….dharma at age 51 as a Life Coach (after a rough 2 years of “void”) your words touched my heart! My dharma is helping other boomer women discover theirs! I look forward to our paths crossing again! Till then, take care and make it a great day!! Gwen
Gwen – definitely run to read Suzanne’s book and see what I wrote about it below. – Nadine
After reading Suzanne’s latest book, I loved that she brought so vividly to life Fritz Perls’ concept of the “fertile void” that so aptly describes the voyage many of us second-wavers are in the midst of right now. I went back to check how he’d initially described it in his 1969 “Doors of Perception” that I’d read back then. His more full statement of moving from the “sterile void to the fertile void” completely synched with what Suzanne writes and why it resonates so deeply with me. “Sterile” is a static, non-alive state where the void is simply terrifying: “fertile” is a richly fecund place where, while the terror still is present, infinite creative possibility thrives. Thank you Suzanne.
I have, indeed, experienced “the fertile void”, although I wasn’t experiencing it like that until I read William Bridges’ book, “Transitions”, and heard the term many years ago. I had been fired from a job I really didn’t like, but I had had my professional identity wrapped up in it. I was clueless as to what was next, and it’s more in hindsight that I see just how fertile that time of my life was. I reached out for different kinds of help, and received guidance , such as being asked “what part of your work did you really enjoy doing?” I thought that was a curious question, as what I actually liked had not been factored into my choices in a big way. Too many ‘shoulds” were in operation at the time. Well, that question and another one, “What do you have energy for right now?” have become two of my guiding lights as I make choices in my life today. As a result, I am on a professional track of my choosing, and it has continued to evolve as I’ve changed over the years. For 10 years, I have been working as a Life and Career Coach (www.trudymcknight.com), with a focus on women making mid-life transitions. There are stages in making transitions, and with knowledge of these stages, the transition can be done with perhaps a little less pain, perhaps a bit more grace, and hopefully, a lot more compassion for yourself. That’s what’s happened for me, and did I ever need to have more compassion for myself!
Trudycoaches – Bingo! Compassion – that we so readily show to others – for ourselve is definitely a key to unlocking our joy and releasing our fears during this fertile void stage. I also think your insight about the “I really love to…” rather than “I really should…” is another key componenent. – Nadine