This morning, after I dropped off a package at the post office, I decided to take my walk around Central Park’s reservoir. It was a cool morning, the sun finally shining after several days of gray rain. The clouds have been so dense lately that we never got to see the Super Moon here in New York City. My walk was invigorating, and, as usual, inspired a thought that inspired this blog.
The Cooper Hewitt Museum, which is the former home of Andrew Carnegie, is across the street from the entrance to the park. The Museum is closed until 2013, undergoing repairs and alterations, and posted on its fence is a yellow and black sign that says: “Like many others on Fifth Avenue, I am having some work done.” It makes me laugh every time I see it, but today I saw something more in it than just humor.
Over the last several years, I realized that I have been undergoing repairs and alterations in my own life. And, further, that it is something perhaps all of us need to do every so often. Take stock of what isn’t working, fix it, if it can be fixed, or opt for something new. Sometimes it’s not things but people we need to shed. And that, for our own integrity and self-esteem.
Years ago I came to the awareness that I was attracted to angry women who were inevitably destructive to my sense of self. It was brought home one bright afternoon when two of them turned on me and were vicious in their criticism. It stunned and hurt me and after much soul searching I took full responsibility for having chosen them and shooed them out of my life. The pain lasted for a long time but as I realized how good I felt without them I was able to take further stock to find out why I had ever considered them friends.
Recently, I have had another epiphany: I am attracted to creative people. That, in itself is not problematic, but many of them are what I call: ‘crazy geniuses.’ The genius part is heady …being with wonderful artists, musicians,writers. It’s the ‘crazy’ part…the erratic and often nasty behavior, that has had terrible consequences. I am good-hearted and, I like to think, kind to one and all. But I am learning, in my old age, that my personal integrity has often been at stake, putting up with people who do not treat me as I treat them; calling them friends when they truly are not my definition of same. I have been going along, trying to get along when I should have left. For the few rewards those friendships gave me, the penalties for staying too long were severe. And I have found that the hardest to say goodbye to is the person I think has something I need, even though it has been proven over and over to me that they have nothing I cannot find in another…whether it’s a service or friendship. Lately I have broken with two crazy geniuses and am mourning the loss of what was good, and also celebrating myself for having had the integrity to leave something that was overwhelmingly destructive.
There is a beautiful and pithy poem by Jelaluddin Rumi:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all.
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thoughts, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
I am grateful for everything, and I am sweeping my house, repairing, altering, and getting ready for the next good thing or person to come through the door and into my heart.
Coming up on two weeks. 1st week and a half dragged on, because of several unexpected hurdles -- one messed up prescription and one major appliance breaking, which generated 5 extra car trips. Now the time is going faster. I have set limits, though t
I love the post and everything you say and the way you say it.
It rained hard yesterday and when I get home I’m headed out to clean up and cut back. If I don’t there will not be room for new growth and I will be left with a mess that I don’t want and need. I wish it were that easy with people.
I love the name…watermusic…love Handel’s composition of same. Thanks so much for your kind comments and, indeed, your cleanup and cut back will make room for more green in your life. We can find metaphors for what we need in the everyday things we do but don’t consider them to be much. In fact, they are.
Sheila
I think the universe is constantly giving us information and guidance that we miss. I have found that an urge to clean usually follows a proceeds a inner shift of some kind. I try and take advantage of whatever magic in around me but paying attention, not only to the signs but the rhythms of my life.
I too need to reflect and sweep away some cobwebs and dust that dulls my seeing clearly. My demons, my fears, my insecurity, makes paler the color that is my life…….. Thank you for your post.
Thank you for reading my post. Your picture is beautiful. You look happy. I know that doesn’t preclude the demons, fears and insecurities from getting you down. We are all one in that. I’m finding that if we are open to growing in no matter what stage of life we are, we become more of the women we were meant to be.
Warmest regards,
Sheila
Do Not cry for those who do not cry for you.
Well said. Thanks for your comment.
Sheila
I too look for a creative edge in my friends but not to the point where I would call them artists with a manic side. We all can be a bit wacky and my friends don’t mind showing it a bit more often than others. They’re fun and they make me laugh. I’ve separated myself from a few former friends also. I wouldn’t have called them creative. You don’t have to be creative to be mean. Thanks Sheila. I think your post makes us appreciate the good friends we have more.
Hi, Maryl,
Thanks for reading. Wacky is fun. Mean is not, We all say things we wish we hadn’t but I always think mean is intentional. So, as the ‘Sharks’ say…”I’m out!”
Sheila
Yes, let’s be selective. We can not choose our family – they are given to us by birth but we can choose our friends.
Wonderful commentary Sheila! A good reminder to all of us to recognize, understand, and determinedly turn away from mean. Thank-you!
Lilly
Thank you, Lilly and Maryl,
We need to respect ourselves more and stop staying too long when we know we’re in the wrong place.
Warmest regards to both of you.
Sheila
Could not agree more with you Sheila and Lilly, there should not be any room for such a behaviour in our lives. I am glad not to be the only one who thinks this way.
I learned a similar idea from a friend going thru cancer many years ago. She mentioned that sometimes we have to rid our lives of “toxic” friends. Same applies here, and I just love the above post: don’t cry for those that do not cry for you!! Thats a keeper!
Illness brings clarity. We need to learn these things before we get sick. I agree about the ‘keeper.’
Thanks for reading…and posting.
Sheila
Love the conversation. Mean people are just mean. Get and stay away from them. There are all kinds of toxic people that we think we have to tolerate because there is something in the relationship that we think we can not do without-WRONG. You have to love yourself first. I think we tolerate bad behavior due to insecurities. Once you realize this your life can become easier. Surround yourself with nice people.
Hi, Debbie,
I couldn’t agree with you more. But there’s another reason I believe we stay. Because of the yin and yang of any relationship. When you move away from the creative geniuses because of the down side…you also move away from what good there was in it. But, for me, at least, my self respect and integrity outweigh any ‘good’ that I might be missing.
Thank you so much for writing.
Warmest regards,
Sheila
Sheila: Love your insight and the poem you shared–I may be quoting that one. Someone said you can’t choose your family, which is true, but I have a couple of toxic relatives, to whom I am courteous and even warm, but avoid them whenever practical.
I once had to eliminate a very close friend from my circle after her criticisms became hurtful more than constructive. I still mourn the friendship, but I know life is better now.
Friendships need nurturing, and there’s just so much of you to go around, so choose carefully!
Wise words. I loved reading that you are ‘curteous’ and ‘warm’ to your toxic relatives but avoid when necessary. Wonderful that you can do that.
The Rumi poem is one of my very favorites. So glad you love it too.
Warmest regards,
Sheila
Life goes on, and people come and go in our lives. Sometimes we are prepared, and other times we sure aren’t.
A year ago, a close friend turned on me. She stated I wasn’t reliable and had low self-esteem. I admit, I was shocked. True, I’ve been late several times, and cancelled plans, but the same was true with her, and I spoke (over thirty years of friendship) with her about how wonderful the ‘flexibility’ in our friendship was and how it was a unique plus. To me that really was part of the magic of the bond…knowing we ‘understood’ one another and there was acceptance.
What I didn’t realize was that I was the one doing the talking and accepting. I never once heard her voice a complaint and nor did I feel our levels of self esteem were far off the mark from one another. As women and friends, we went through many ups and downs in our lives, and shared the burden of tears, and the great belly laughs accompanying same.
What I’m attempting to say is, I never for a minute saw this coming.
I called, and emailed, but she would not respond. I expressed concern, via email that this was strangely uncharacteristic of her. I seriously became worried about her behavior. Finally she wrote a brief email explaining that she’d asked me to respect the fact she wanted to end our friendship, and that most people when ignored..go away.
The hurt I have felt over this has been deep. In fact, I’ve never been treated this way by anyone before. I’ve written a few more times, and on her birthday took over a bouquet of her favorite flowers, leaving them on the doorstep as she refused to come to the door. All to no avail. I’m left with having to learn not to blame myself for something I don’t understand. Sadly I must move forward. I still miss my friend very much.
As I read Sheila’s post, I wondered again about friends leaving long-term friends. Yes, if self-destruction is involved, one must care for one’s self first. I just hope when we come to these cross-roads in our lives that we can truly assess the ‘meanness.’ I ended up truly not fathoming, through more discussion and communication, whether I was the mean one or my friend was. I also like the line, ‘cry for those who cry for you, not for those who don’t.’ Thank you for some very interesting comments, all of you. I suppose we aren’t meant to understand everything in life are we?
Dear Suzy,
I have experienced exactly what you have described. The only thing to know is that if your former friend will not communicate with you as to why she has closed the door, figuratively and literally, there is nothing for you to do except to know that this is all about her and not you. Her behavior is cowardly. Not to have an honest discussion with you about her feelings, peeves, whatever, says everything about her character. I am so sorry you had to experience this but it does happen to a lot of us. Move on and find better, more honest friends who are willing to be open with you and who will allow you to be open with them.
Thank you for reading and for writing your comments.
Warmest regards,
Sheila
Suzy, I too have had a similar experience. And remember its not even about you. She was making it all about herself. You don’t need friends like that in your life. That’s not what friendship is all about. As a matter of fact, think of it as she did you a favor.
Sheila, thanks for the input and yes, Suzy’s post resonates with me.
Take care!
Sheila, I’d like to thank you. For a long time I’ve been feeling guilty for not being a reliable enough friend. Some days I feel more positive about it than others. It will take awhile to heal as we were friends for so very long but I can do it…I just must.
This sort of thing leaves its mark, for sure…but I very much appreciate hearing what you had to say. Moving on to find honest friends is important, and even though some say it’s hard to do for a woman in her late fifties, I think it’s entirely possible.
This is a great site and it’s wonderful to be able to hear other women express thoughts about life stages and events that occur in our lives.
I hope you are well on your way to finding friends in your life too who make you smile.
Best wishes,
Suzy
Hi again, Suzy,
What has helped me when I find it so difficult to let go, and believe me it’s not easy to do at first, but to understand that she has her own problems, demons, call them whatever you wish, and that she cannot do better than she’s doing at this moment in time. It’s not about you. It’s about how she sees the world. Wish her good health, happiness and move on. It’s a practice for sure. But it helps to let go of the anger and resentment every time you do it.
Warm regards,
Sheila
Sheila Weinstein I loved your post. Boy can I relate to what you wrote about. I started my ‘repairs and alterations’ years ago and I have not looked back and regretted not one single toxic thing/person/situation. I had to face the fact that there were some people in my life who were toxic which created a toxic friendship/relationship and one of the relationships I had to come to the realization was a blood relative. Just because I have a sister and we are blood related doesn’t mean I am going to be treated like a sister just because I treated her like one. I faced the fact my sister has always been jealous of me. That is the ugly truth. After all these years, all of her passive-aggressive behavior finally had its last time of showing me how she really feels about me. I said no more. No more. I get it! I get it! Yes, I owned up to the fact that I allowed these friendships & relationships to go on for years when I should have left but sometimes its hard to let go when you think you can’t live without that person or you will be missed. Yes, I said ‘you’ will be missed. LOL I get it! I get it! So every New Year’s Eve I do my cleansing. So far so good. Thank you for sharing.
Hi, Marsha,
Sounds like you have learned some difficult lessons and done the very best for yourself. See if my last response to Suzy resonates with you.
Thanks for writing,
Warm regards,
Sheila
I too managed to lose a friend of 55+ years two years ago. I too have called (left messages) and e-mailed her as I have no idea what the problem is-since she is the one who does not respond I will go with the conclusion that the problem is on her end. Our lives differ greatly (all the time) and we didn’t see each other frequently so to dissolve a friendship of that age doesn’t make a lot of sense but I have moved on. Like it says, people move in and out of your life. That’s LIFE.
Hi again, Debbie,
I’ve had a bad habit of jumping to conclusions about what is going on with the other person with whom I’m having difficulties. I am so often wrong.
I read this wonderful quote by Phillip Barry:
The time to make up your mind about people, is never
I continually try to make this my mantra. It’s not always easy. Relationships are difficult and need nurturing and sometimes no matter what, they don’t work and we have to walk away.
My very best to you.
Sheila
Debbie, I can relate to what you are saying. To everybody as a matter of fact. Sometimes the reasons why those who have chosen to ‘drop’ us out of their life comes to light. If you can pay close attention, it will unfold in front of your eyes. Let me explain.
Sometimes the other person might be doing something they think you might not agree with or they might be living a certain lifestyle that is questionable. And if you are living a fairly normal life then they might be comparing their life with yours and that might be one of the reasons why they decide to cut you loose.
Have you ever noticed that you might overlook a post on here and then just when you really need it, you stumble across it?
A friend who I was with through a divorce, the death of her father, the death of her mother, and a career change (I pulled major strings to get her a job and I took on more responsibility to SAVE her job…long story) dumped me. We also lost a mutual dear friend from breast cancer, so we went through that together as well.
I moved to another department, but we’re still on the same floor. She barely speaks to me. She recently married the same man (for the third time) and I was the last to know.
I finally decided…oh well. My daughters pointed out that if she has married the same guy three times, quit good jobs at the drop of a hat, and is quite judgmental on top of that – maybe, just maybe…it isn’t something I did.
Hi, Vicky,
Your daughters are right. It’s not about you.
Thanks for posting.
Warmly,
Sheila
Great string of thoughts, ladies. About friends, losing some along the way, deciding to give others up …
For me lately, some difficulty in making new women friends. Newly divorced, I have made a few attempts recently to get together with single women and it hasn’t gone that well. I have approached a couple of women I have known for years but never tried to cultivate a relationship with besides chatting with them at social funtions. Now that I’m single too and ready, why aren’t they?! Both seemed pleased to hear from me. One I went out with and I thought we had a marvelous time, yet she hasn’t been able to make time for me since. The other sounds like she can’t wait to get together but just informed me that life is pretty busy right now and she will call me in month.
I know it is perhaps unrealistic to think women who have been single for years are dying to cultivate new friends. They have their lives, it’s just me that is needy right now. I feel like I’m in middle school again, and wanting to be more popular than I am ! ( ha, ha….)
Could it be that my female single friends might wonder where I was all those years when I was married and booked every weekend. Why didn’t I pursue a relationship then? As a married woman my husband I socialized with other marreid couples almost exclusively. I think that’s common. Now that I am single I’m beginning to realize the challenges that single women face socially if they are not mated up. Hmmm
You know the saying “Just because its important to you does not make it important to me”. You do realize that these women do have a life (without you) and fitting you in may take some time on their side and lots of work on yours. Try to find common ground (besides being single) and realize that you are competition too! It may take awhile but start by being a friend to yourself. If you are happy then other people will see that and want to be around you. Good luck.
Very good points, Debbie. I must admit I have laced my invitations for lunch/friendship to these single women with the “now that I am single too” stance. I can see now why that may be a problem. It may convey to them that I see them first and foremost as that “single older female” versus an interesting, multi dimensional person who I want to spend time with.
As for viewing me as “competition”, that hadn’t crossed my mind. Are the pickins so slim, that even older, wiser women feel competitive with one another. To be honest, that’s a depressing thought.
Hi, Chris,
I can speak to the idea of competition and the fear women seem to have at any age. I am 75, I still look good, I think, I’m healthy, I’m intelligent, interested and interesting. I have met some like women, some of whom are married for many years as I would have been. The women seem to truly enjoy my company and we have lovely times together, but I am never invited to their homes or to meet their husbands or to any parties as I have invited them to mine. It is so odd to me to think that such a woman would believe that she has to be afraid that I would be competition. But, that’s the conclusion I have come to. And I find that really sad.
Well said Sheila. This is what it is. I come to this conclusion as well. I am so very grateful to vibrant nation.com for helping us out to communicate with each other the way we do. Chris, you have already found your friends. Have a look how many of us log in. Keep up the good work.
You’re so right, Vera. Those of us who end up responding to the same blog become, in a really nice way, the friends we’re looking for.
Got to say, I lucked out finding vibrant nation! I treasure immensely
the insights, information, support, laughter and friendships I have found connecting with women, such as you Sheila and Vera.
Back to this issue of competition being all too common among women of all ages, why is that? Certainly doesn’t help that females, starting at a young age, are exposed to a cultural norm that continually reinforces the belief that a woman’s worth is largely connected to her looks, and the degree she is desired by men. That fuels competition among women. Hard to buck that conditioning! But we can, and we must. Otherwise it leads to a diminshed life, for us and the young women in our footsteps. We deserve better.
AMEN!
Love to all of you.
Sheila