Kids are grown, married 36 years, 57 years old, financially comfortable, have volunteered for many organizations…bored and burned out with it. Best friend getting divorced and out dating….have elderly parents nearby and two grandchildren an hour and a half away….the question is ….NOW WHAT? I wish I could say I am talented in some kind of art…painting, knitting, crafts…I’m not. I work out, am starting pilates, socialize with friends but many friends are also moving away or busy with their own families…I just feel…IS THIS IT? What is wrong with me? Why am I afraid to reach out and try something new? I hate to commit to a part time job or volunteer because I DO like the freedom to go visit my grandbabies and travel. I know I should count my blessings that I am healthy and financially secure…married to a workaholic so am alone alot. I guess one of the things that worries me is that I am not only a bit bored but afraid of becoming BORING! I am an upbeat person but feel I have nothing to share with others anymore. It is hard to meet new friends now that the kids are grown and I am not involved in any charitable orgnanizations anymore. Does anyone feel like this or am I just having a Pity Party?
| Now what? | Hot Conversation |
August 29, 2010
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I made the decision to go grey a few weeks ago. Actually, I had been wanting to do it for a long time but couldn't find a stylist who seemed keen on working with me. I am 53, a school teacher and look probably 10 years younger, and i was being told 
I wrote this in 2003 and recently discovered it in a desk drawer!
HI, Sylvestercat,
Do an online search of the topic "housing exchange," or "house- or home- exchange," and lots of things will pop up.
There is a busy hot-topic conversation thread going on under "Other Topics" and "Shared Housing Alternatives" on
Have you thought about going back to school? You might enjoy a few continued education classes.
It sounds like a case of maybe being too comfortable; there are many women who would love to have your situation at least for a little while. I would second trying something new via classes and really questioning what matters to you personally as far as volunteering. Is there a cause that is dear to your heart like abused children, the environment, etc?
do temp work, that way when you are ready to travel you just tell the agency that you will not be available and will get back to them when you are.
Hi girlygirl,
I have felt and said many of the thing in your post. Before ‘age’ set in, I was constantly involved in life with friends, children, husband (of course
, and a multitude of activities! Like you, I came to a point when I asked, “What now?”
Well, my answer to ‘what now’ came in looking into ‘what is beyond this ‘ordinary’ life cycle? Studying our world, our universe, the work of Eckhart Tolle http://www.eckharttolle.com/home/ (and many other wise men/women) has been life saving, for me. There is an inner/outer world of endless discovery!! You can be at the center of a ‘new way of being’!
I find this research, at this time in my life, a total gift ‘from the gods’…so to speak! I have listed just a couple of possibilities, but these sites may lead you to more, I hope so! Life is never over for those who have curiosity.
Since you have tried volunteering, and still feel unfulfilled, maybe you will find renewed interest…give your self time to investigate before saying, ‘not for me’.
http://www.amazon.com/Biocentrism-Consciousness-Understanding-Nature-Universe/dp/1935251740/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283112401&sr=1-1
http://www.google.com/images?q=our+earth+from+space&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=o7t6TJPfHILGlQej3vXrCw&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=4&ved=0CD4QsAQwAw&biw=1024&bih=647
Thanks Evie… I will check it out. I did a quick check on the website and it does look interesting. Was it written in terms that aren’t so scientific that it loses the attention of us who are not on that intellectual level? Not saying I am a dummy but you know what I mean. : )
I’m with Evie – check out your spiritual self, look inward and take up something that will help teach you how to fulfill yourself in simple ways. Meditation is great, both for the body and the spirit. Even more wonderful is getting some Reiki training. Please check out:
http://www.reiki.org/FAQ/WhatIsReiki.html
Have you ever had a Reiki session/treatment? If not, go try it. And then consider getting some training in it, because sitting down and combining meditation and Reiki is an amazing way to learn to love yourself, to heal your own spirit, and to learn to stay centered while living in the moment.
I personally think you ARE having a bit of a Pity Party – but if you’re bored, then you’re bored. There’s no way around that. You just need to get yourself out of the rut you’re in and find ways to not feel both so bored and boring. Granny in long johns is right – find something that makes you feel passionate. For me it was Reiki.
Good luck, girlygirl. Don’t wait until you’re shocked half to death by being told you have cancer like I was – and then you’re desperately wishing you could have your old life back, because you suddenly realize you’d appreciate it a whole lot more. Do something NOW. There’s nothing holding you back but you.
Hi Duffy,
I think reiki is a great suggestion for girlygirl and wanted to add another possibility, Feldenkrais!
Relaxation is so key to our spiritual growth, well, for everything we do!! And both of these methods are excellent!
Also, if you haven’t tried feldenkrais, I think it would be beneficial to you, as well. These movements seem to ‘clear out’ negativity and there is a ‘return’ to a more natural way of being.
I’m glad you are on this site, Duffy! You’re often a breath of fresh air!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_i5QuIqcQo&feature=related
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feldenkrais_Method
Have you heard of Rolfing? I just recently heard about that and am very interested in learning more. I also am going to check out the Feldonkrais method. I deal with a lot of neck and back pain…have tried EVERYTHING…I had to even stop all yoga practice. THANKYOU for sharing this information Evie.
I had one Reiki session when I went to see a psychic. I had never heard of it before. Now that you have reminded me of it, I will definitely check it out. Do I need to go to a psychic for this or are there other places I should look for info about this technique? Thank you Duffy for taking the time to share that information. I will let all of you VN friends know how things go.
Hi again girlygirl – psychics have nothing to do with Reiki. (You should see the look on my face! I’d like to see it myself, LOL!) If Reiki helped you the first time, I’d google it and see who in your area has classes and TRAINS people.
It’s very healing, calming and centering for someone who’s feeling like something is missing in their life. I took a 2-day course over a weekend in order to be a Level II practitioner – not because I wanted to go into the business, just because I wanted to use it for myself and my immediate family. Having that ability has made a huge difference in my life.
It sounds like you’re going to be really busy if you check out everything all we VN women have suggested! But with the Reiki, I’d truly consider getting the 2-day training for yourself rather than just going to someone who has a Reiki, plus massage, plus (fill in the blank) practice. If you google it in your area, you should be able to find a Master/Teacher.
Hi girlygirl,
There have been times when my brain felt like it was literally stretching, on a real physical level when heading into these areas! Sometimes, I would only grasp bits of what I was reading and sometimes a ‘bit’ would lead me to something more profound. It’s the way of growth, no doubt about that!
Even though your reflection, in the mirror, shows age (ugh, haha), and life seems to be leaving you behind…you can have something growing, inside, a kind of insight into the ‘mysteries’ of life . Age can actually be a gift in disguise! It allows for reflection into a deeper, more meaningful, way of being.
P.S. In time, if you want to be with other folks, who have these interests, there are Eckhart Tolle groups, book clubs, and various other interesting groups through meet.up.com These conversations can be very stimulating…depending on the group.
How do we find these groups.
Hi Suzie,
http://www.meetup.com is the site. They offer every kind of group you can think of! I’ve met so many nice ladies for brunch/lunch…also, joined a book club. There are endless things to do and right in your home town!
it does take a little courage to step out, in the beginning, but you’ll find other people are “in the same boat”…wanting to meet new friends, etc.
I hope you’ll try it!!
In answer to your question: IS THIS IT? Yes–for now. Your IT sounds great. Sounds like you’re enjoying it. That’s the secret of contentment: live in the present; stop thinking so much. I’m a firm believer in the (I think) Budhist saying: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. When you need more, it’ll come your way. As they say, careful what you wish for. lol
Wow, sounds like a lot of us. Will be watching answers!
We should be neighbors. You sound so much like me. I have the cleanest house in town because I just like to keep moving in someway and my vacuum cleaner is my best friend. I also rearrange the furniture. My husband says he’s afraid to sit down because the chair might be missing. Guess I need to get out more.
I relate to alot of your feelings but for very different reasons and circumstances. I just got divorced and with friends moving, my girls sunday school dissolving, being left out of things because I dont fit in the married crowd, I am feeling lost and also need to find myself. It’s not from a lack of ambition to do it, just lack of resources, just me to drive my teens everywhere, so cant take the class I want to on Wednesday nights, cant go eat out with the singles group because financially it is either school supplies or doing that once a week. My kids really need me to be there and centered, but I really want to go find myself instead. Have done a huge amount of volunteer work but mostly with a church I am working my way out of because I dont like my ex and I going to the same church. Feel like the volunteering I am asked to do now is to line the privledges of our over indulged teens…(sorry). The Program I did alot of volunttering with was underprivledged unchurched teens, I loved it, felt a huge passion for it. I just dont fit in the PTA/Band Booster club. So, as you said “so what’s next?” Having trouble figuring that out
You sound like a person who’s got a lot to give. Just know that there are tons of opportunities beyond Church. Not that there’s anything wrong with Church per se, but just try other things as well. All libraries, schools, art associations, etc. need people. And don’t worry about the PTA folk. You’re getting a chance to crack yourself wide open and see where your wings will take you. Look up, take those first steps – yeah, you do need to see to the kids’ needs, but as they see you finding interests and being happy, it’ll be good for them, too. Good luck!
This is NOT it, girlygirl. I had the exact feeling and concerns a couple of years ago. Since then I have been absorbing as much information as possible, taking Humanities seminars at the local university that do not require homework- stuff like- ‘I’d Rather Be In Paris, a Study of Parisian Art during the …, another was on Dante’s Inferno, and last summer there was one on British Det. Series which involved consuming 500 pages a week. The whole idea was to do fun stuff. I wasn’t sure they were all going to be fun, but they did end up that way. And the people, though most of them were older than I , were interesting. Having fun and exploring its various aspects and meanings is a focus of my life these days. Heading out to lunch on my own, something I hadn’t done since high school, cultivating new friendships, starting a new project. I feel as though I am a more interesting person than I have been in years, having stepped out of the box a little. I am also spending a little time consulting with a life coach, having answered a questionnaire that took two weeks and 14 pages to complete, the personal insights pulled out by those questions have revealed new interests and directions for me to follow.
There’s no need to be afraid to do it all, anything, whatever, for however long. Have fun.
And then I hit the brick wall…… what’s left for me to do? I have examined the spirituality of the soul. I have done the inner work.
Oh, I am not perfect and it is certainly a life challenge to remain on the path of spirituality. But isn’t there more to life?
My best friend died and left me alone to face the fact that I am still alive. There was a time I would have gladly followed him. Recognizing I am still alive, what is next?
A healing process takes place and when you feel functional again, its time to make your own interests come alive. Age tells me I do not want to start at the beginning again. But time and space tell me I need to have interests and get myself moving again. Health imposes some limits.
God is preparing me for something. I just have to listen and know what that is – the waiting is long – I was never gifted with patience.
God bless, J
been there, done that. I think almost all women have felt that way at one time or another. Yes, it is not easy making new friends, especially in my case. Moved away at the age of 63. Although I am rather outgoing, I have been unable to “click” with new gal pals. Perhaps it is partly my fault, because I find, that I have little in common with women my age. Soo - I started reading a lot, came on Vibrant Nation, watch movies with my companion, who is a nifty old dude my age and found that window shopping can be a lot of fun. We sometimes go to Festivals or to the odd Comedy Club. His family has a lot of get-togethers. We took a sewing class together, which was a total hoot. [We're both retired] And we signed up again for the Warm Water Pool for Arthritis sufferers, twice a week for 2 mos. Find something you enjoy doing. I love spending time just browsing around in Second Hand stores, and their books are cheaper, too. I try not to let anything get me down, so I don’t feel I am having a so called Pity Party. Life is too short for that.
My hubby was my best friend and companion for all things as well. When he died I was so lost (and still am) that it has been quite a struggle to find someone to just go out to a movie with – as a friend.
I have not dated since I was 19 and obviously that was a long time ago. So this new internet style is so different it does not help find companions to just enjoy what is left of my life. Yes, it is not easy making new friends. But I have joined a choir and reached out and hopefully will land a companion.
God bless, J
My hubby was my best friend and companion for all things as well. When he died I was so lost (and still am) that it has been quite a struggle to find someone to just go out to a movie with – as a friend.
I have not dated since I was 19 and obviously that was a long time ago. So this new internet style is so different it does not help find companions to just enjoy what is left of my life. Yes, it is not easy making new friends. But I have joined a choir and reached out and hopefully will land a companion.
God bless, J
My hubby was my best friend and companion for all things as well. When he died I was so lost (and still am) that it has been quite a struggle to find someone to just go out to a movie with – as a friend.
I have not dated since I was 19 and obviously that was a long time ago. So this new internet style is so different it does not help find companions to just enjoy what is left of my life. Yes, it is not easy making new friends. But I have joined a choir and reached out and hopefully will land a companion.
God bless, J
My hubby was my best friend and companion for all things as well. When he died I was so lost (and still am) that it has been quite a struggle to find someone to just go out to a movie with – as a friend.
I have not dated since I was 19 and obviously that was a long time ago. So this new internet style is so different it does not help find companions to just enjoy what is left of my life. Yes, it is not easy making new friends. But I have joined a choir and reached out and hopefully will land a companion.
God bless, J
i hear you sistah! i’ve been married for 37 years to my best friend since i was 20. i go into an anxiety attack whenever i inadvertenly go to the “what if he dies before i do” thoughts. omg – i can’t stand the thought of it! he will be fine without me but he’s been my rock for a hundred years. i have faith in God, Jesus and the angels – but i need somebody with skin! lol…..
i rarely post but am a daily reader and i wanted to let you know your post here touched my heart as all your posts do. you have such a great strength and positive spirit that i wanted to let you know how much i enjoy your contributions here. i thank you for them all.
i’m so sorry for your loss of your beloved best friend husband and i know that you cherish your great memories of your long life together. i think that’s as good as it gets for anyone marriage-wise. i have so many friends who are envious of my long marriage and relationship with my husband and that reminds me to be forever grateful for it.
Bless you with peace and contentment and another great relationship to enjoy the rest of your life’s journey with. XXOO
The computer found a companion for me. It is a long distance computer relationship to be sure – he is in the US I am in Canada. But he is willing to relocate when he retires in a few months time.
Having had 2 marriages in my life I realize how different each situation is and not to take one situation into the next. There are trigger words in everyone’s life. And sometimes a new person can say something just the way that it reminds you of old reactions. So each relationship must be entered into with new and clean slates to fill.
A new adventure has begun. I am ready to move into it in all with clear path and sight. Hopefully love will come into my life again.
God bless, J
oh wow,spiritalk. good for you! please keep us posted and it sounds like you’re getting a new adventure cause you’re open for receiving such.. you teach us great lessons. thanks!
I have felt the same way. I went into real estate, thinking I’d have flexibility but it has been very stressful and I most likely will leave the field in a few months. I wonder what I will do? We are a similiar age.
Awwww…. honey, you go right ahead and have a great big pity party! I’ll come, and bring some fun cocktails and good nibbles and we’ll laugh until we cry then cry until we laugh…. and count blessings – what a WONDERFUL problem to have! Complete freedom! Well, here’s the question…. what do you LIKE? Do you LIKE art… sculpture, prints, photography, paints – DON’T give me the “I have no talent…” line… heard it and blown through it all you need is a good teacher and grit… there are so many ways to express your creativity. Weaving, basketmaking, writing, singing, learning an instrument… What do you care about? Can’t even say? Take a class at a local college – it will at least get you to thinking! You’re just at loose ends, you’ll be great, but you DO need to find things you care about. For a long time you probably have been concentrating on what everyone else cares about. Be still, and open, you are going to be just GREAT and truly enjoy this next chapter in your life!
Severes Blue,
I love your upbeat personality! I would LOVE to join you for drinkies and nibbles!!! Sounds like we would be belly laughing all night long! God…aren’t belly laughs the best? The kind that take your breath away and make you pee your pants?? : ) I have to tell you I am SO proud of myself! Today a little table arrived that I ordered online. It is to put in my living room next to a chair. Well…the damn thing had to be put together!!!! Another talent I seem to lack but I was DETERMINED to do it without asking my husband for help. Damn if one of the holes for the screws was a little off….I spent two hours trying to shave it down…I was sweating and my hands hurt from trying to screw and unscrew the darn thing. I was NOT going to stop til I had that table sitting in the living room! AND..WOO HOO..I DID IT!!! It felt SO GOOD! I know..I am sure some of the gals are rolling their eyes but little accomplishments like that are so satisfying don’tcha think?
Sounds like a pity party to me. You talk about all the people in your life but your husband. Did you ever think to focus more on your marriage? If he’s a workaholic, then why? Could you give up a little comfort in your life to help him with his? I lost my husband and would give anything to have him for one more day. You are flittering away the time you have with him – it is not an endless supply of tomorrows.
My husband is a great guy but is very committed to his clients. He has a very strong work ethic and because of that, spends a lot of time doing what is right for each and every client. His stress load is high but he refuses to slow down. You have no idea how many weekends I have spent alone while he is working. I understand that I could blink and he could be gone and that is a huge fear for me and every other woman on this site. However, your message came across as almost blaming me for him not being available. You have no idea what the reasons are from what little information I have shared. I’m sorry for your loss but the reality is …no one totally appreciates all they have until it is gone. I try everyday to look around me and count my blessings. None of that has anything to do with admitting that I am a little lost right now.
I too am married to a workaholic. I have spent a lot of our married life worrying and wondering what I was doing wrong. Why would he choose to work so many hours? But after 36 years I have had to accept that that is just his nature. We have a wonderful marriage. I have tried to make myself available totally when he is home. Dinners, talking, etc. But, man, its those hours in-between that get long.
I am feeling much the same clibey. But I am NOT married to a workaholic and we do try to spend some quality time together….the hours in-between are getting me down. Last week I felt like suicide mainly because we are: broke, I’m disabled, and there is no way out.
I cannot receive disability because I am now 66. Did you all know that at 66 years old one cannot get disability.
I have worked for 50 years and paid in my share to social security. ]
clibey, it sounds like you both are in a rut. I read that for an hour a day so something fun
for yourself. I try but I don’t have the money to drive around the corner.
Hope this doesn’t sound like a pity party…just venting.
Thank You all for your help.
Girlygirl,
You should not have to defend yourself (2begin…)it takes all kinds!! It’s rare to have this type of response on VN…thank goodness!
My hubby is a workaholic and I love him to death, but he won’t slow down…so, what can a person do?
I do all I can to help him, which is not too much and I preach, some, but he just keeps going! The original “Energizer bunny”!
I’m glad you posted your feelings of being “lost” it has made many of us think. You have had some great responses!
As long as it is just work, for him, then you have to accept it and GO with it! You are a wonderful creative person – look at the life you’ve created for the two of you! Spend quiet time imagining what a perfect day would be like – for you. Would you wake up, do yoga, take a long walk with a friend? Then what? Would you learn something new? Head up a committee to improve something in your area? Garden? Join a club? Your options are endless but your time is not. You have, actually, a gift from your husband – time. Time to develop and grow. Don’t know your religious/spiritual situation, but pray on it, meditate on it, then listen for the signs…
My youngest went off to college last year so I am now an “empty nester”. My two older kids live in the northeast and I live in FL. I work full-time so don’t get to see them that often. I can keep busy. That’s not a problem. But no matter what extra-cirriculum activities I fill my life with it will never replace spending time with my kids. It’s not that I want them to live at home but I wish they were close enough for Sunday dinners, shopping with my daughter, etc. I am soooo tired of people telling me that this should be the best time of my life. Well, it’s not. I’m glad my kids are doing well. They are happy and that’s the important thing for them. But to me life is all about spending time together. And I don’t mean twice a year for a few days. I don’t think I will ever get used to this.
i hear what you’re saying. i, too, miss my motherhood days of raising our 4 children. and none of them live close by. i hate that and i don’t think i’ll ever get used to it either.
i’m definitely not one to be all about my adult children’s lives, but yeah…..i’d like more than a few days a couple of times a year. absence does make the heart grow fonder.
the upside is apparently we both have great adult kids and grandkids that we actually want to be around more!
Gosh, I agree with you so much, Jan1010!
hey girlygirl – love your name and it resonates with me cause i’ve always been a girly girl! thanks for writing this post. i’ve often wanted to write the same one but didn’t dare in fear of judgmental posts that would make me feel worse than i already do! lol…
our feelings are what they are and it’s so hard to voice them sometimes cause language really can be so limiting sometimes. anyway, your heart and soul resonated with me and i’m so appreciative of the great help and directions some of these wonderful women here gave. they were very helpful to me as well.
wish i lived near you in California and i would be your new best friend and we’d defeat and overcome this “lost feeling” together!
thanks again everyone for your great posts! you are a great group of women!
Dragonfly, you have always had such positive comments on the posts you and I have been on together. Thanks for being so supportive…I think there are a lot of gals on VN that would be so fun to hang out with! Too bad we are all spread out around the world!!!! Keep in touch! Girlygirl
yes, it would be fun to have a regular get-together wouldn’t it? i think there’s so many smart and compassionate women here. i don’t post a lot but i read a lot and always come away from here for the better.
thanks again for your post. it made me realize i’m not alone in my void right now. XXOO
This sounds familiar to me. The more I pondered it the less I did. Then I joined a senior’s group. I could not believe I would do this. But senior today means fifty and over. I met a lot of lovely ladies there to chat with. That led to bridge lessons, which I did not take too serious, aerobics, strength classes and yoga. Yoga is hailed as the best thing in the world and it is. It takes you away. It clears your mind. Between your mental and physical this is the best thing I ever did. Some ladies are there to drink coffee but I take my classes seriously and as a result I look and feel better. Boredome is a terrible thing. Maybe the first thing you try will not seem like the best fit but give it time.
Go to the library. Wonderful place.
Hay Girlygirl: I am feeling alot like you are. I also have been married 27 years( but to a much younger man), and am feeling ‘what now’. But unlike you I am retired, disabled, and broke. So I cannot even volunteer because I cant afford gas for the car. My friends have either died or moved away. My only source is the computer and sites like this.
But Girlygirl, you write so elequently so why not try to write for others.
We all need insight and you can reach so many.
No you are NOT having a Pity Party but are just searching for answers.
Take care, We are in this together.
Suzie
It’s time to redefine yourself. For many years your idenity has been wife and mother. You are still young and healthy, so you can take advantage of it. What were your passions when you were younger? Or it could be something you have never thought of. I got a gym membership and began to go to classes. Sure, it was hard at first and most of the women were younger than me. I kept pushing and now am an instructor myself and a lot of my friends are the women I worked out with. Exercise is also a wonderful way to relieve stress and gain confidence which carries over into the rest of your life. I love, love, love my kids, but I am so grateful that my life belongs to me again!
Wow, I’ve really got a lot from your post and all the responses. It seems we can all relate. I’m now divorced and by this time next year, I will be an empty-nester> I do intend to work for another five years…BUT….I can see a huge change looming in my life and I’m a little afraid. I’m in my mid-50s, have no partner to share life with now and will have no kids to keep me ‘busy’….what next? This is not a Pity Party, but reality and needs to be looked at.
Well, I work at a university and there are lots of 50+ activities, trips, courses and more offered here; I volunteered for a week at a nearby historical village this summer (yup, got a chance to dress up!!) and got to talk to so many visitors from around the world – fascinating – and I’m going to do more! I’m going to look into a variety of other volunteering opportunities – adult literacy being one. You don’t have to give your life to volunteering – but even a few hours a week, when you can, is usually really appreciated! I intend to have dinner parties regularly and invite aquaintances, not just good friends. I took a course in rug hooking (creative monotony, I call it – and enjoy it immensely!) and plan to do more. I’m a little shy and it would be great to have a companion to share these things with – but I don’t – so that’s not going to stop me. There’s also nothing wrong with sitting, reading or relaxing from time to time – takes a while to feel no guilt though!
Another thing I have discovered is TME – trauma releasing exercises. Google David Berceli. Wow!!!!
Good luck! I’m going to keep checking in on these posts – there’s so many people in the same boat and such interesting advice and information. Thanks!
Just try to think of it a little differently. You could have no retirement, alone, and losing your home.
I would love to be in your shoes. Some of us are really struggling in these trying times…
Maybe you need to count your blessings.
I relate as do the thousands of parents I have spoken with across the country. The biggest fear in committing is WHAT IF I WANT TO CHANGE MY MIND? Adults get to change their mind. You stood tall for decades so it makes sense you want your freedom. Who wouldn’t? I always get the question , “HOW DO I MAKE NEW FRIENDS?” At this stage of your life, you are different and therefore your needs and wants change. You begin again after you refresh. Remember what you use to love when you came home after school in your early years …were you a day dreamer, leader, best friend , organizer, sports girl, reader? You get the idea…There may be some clues there for you. Finding meaning matters. Participating in a circle of like minded people, feeds your energy. Isolation is common when activities you use to enjoy no longer are available or spark you. You are on a journey of discovery. Let people help you and feed back to you who you are and who you aren’t and what you might need internally to step out…Take good care, Natalie
What is remarkable about this posting is the evidence of the Vibrant Nation community.
A, just as it is named, vibrant community of women who reach out with their own experience to offer advice/wisdom and encouragement to a community member who is brave enough to speak about what she is feeling.
For the past five years I have been focused on what makes some women so amazing as they age. I was driven for a number of reasons to answer the question “What is a woman’s role in society when the biological urge to reproduce is past” or after menopause. I have interviewed vibrant women between the age of 45-102 from 5 countries and read everything I could get my hands on to answer this question.
I wrote a book about what I found and while I do not want to use your situation as a promotional opportunity I really do believe that what is in my book could help you. Fifty & Fabulous! The Best Years of a Woman’s Life offers to re-educate you about the stage of human development which begins at 50 and about the unique attributes and energy this stage of life offers.
I am encouraged to say that by the comments you have already received here on VN,so many of these comments reflect the findings of my interviews with women 50+, the positive comment s and those which stress the issues of aging. I am not an aging “bliss bunny.” Life 50+ has unique challenges as does every stage of life but this one seems to be the only one to which we give up our hope. We focus on the negative and let our resilience ebb away.
This is a time of change beginning for you, for us all, and change begins with confusion and often a drop in energy because… what was working before no longer works. What you did before no longer satisfies, how you lived before no longer seems to fit. We tend to focus on the external changes and attribute all the pain and confusion to the changes in those external circumstances, “the kids don’t need me the same way, I lost my job, I am bored with volunteering , my husband still has his work but I don’t etc.” One possible solution we consider when this change process begins is: stop the change. ..fight to stay unchanged, in other words young. This explains why many women 50+believe that cosmetic surgery will fix their lives.
While we focus on those external changes we are often ignoring the fact that we too are changing. I suggest to you that investigating the changes within us, which will reap the greatest reward.
Here are my 5 Quick Tips to Fabulousness After 50
1. Ask yourself if your current perspective on aging is serving you and those around you? Maybe you need a new one.
2. Reflect on who you have become at this stage of your life and what you know, do, think and feel that you did not when you were younger. This is the process of getting to know yourself again.
3. Stop evaluating life 50+ with mid life criteria, life 50+ is much richer and deeper than that…you need new criteria for this stage of life.
4. Decide what you want your next contribution to life to be and be prepared this may keep changing, that is OK.
5. When you find a new outlook share it as others have done here with you…there are many women out there who need permission to acknowledge that life 50 + is a stage of human development.
I wish you well. With friends like you have here on VN …you are well on your way to a brighter tomorrow.
thank you! i will read your book.
I can see many of the posts, this is pretty common with the women of our age. I can relate to several things, being married 35 years, kids grown, grand-babies sometimes. It is like you need something to look forward to. I still work, but for a non profit, so it is like volunteering to some extent. I have horses and love to ride, but I havent for awhile. (too out of shape, but that is another issue) I got a a motorcycle about 6 years ago and enjoy riding with my husband. We go usually on Sundays, when it is less traffic. Meeting people who ride motorcycles opens up a whole new group.
I also agree with the going back to school. I got my Masters Degree at the age of 48. I love to learn new things and know how to do stuff myself.
Can I join your pity party?? Today was the worst!!!….
I want to kick myself …. my life…like yours is almost perfect…..I feel that I should have nothing to complain about and yet here I am feeling sorry for myself…..
There has to be more…..I travel and I take courses and I paint…I dont have grandkids yet so I dont even have that distraction…. I feel like there is something huge missing…..
HELP!!!!!
Thank you for understanding!!!
The being ‘afraid of becoming boring” is a BIG thing!
I, too, have done years of volunteer work – after years of kids and grandkids – marriage 33 years. I am not employed, I have disabilities. The library – the internet – taking classes – learning anything and exploring everything that even remotely interests me.
Meeting new people? It’s a challenge – but the biggest issue is feeling like you have nothing to share with anyone. All I can say at this point is that I hear you loud and clear – I get it – I feel your pain and I’ll pull up a chair for the pity party. On one condition – we laugh a lot and figure it out.
is there a chair for me, too? i’m ALWAYS up for the best medicine ever – LAUGHTER! and can i bring some chocolate and wine? (the second and third best medicines?)
okay..party time…wish we could find a way to do an online cocktail/chick party!!! : )
I have been rereading the posts here, this is a fascinating discussion. I think that in our efforts to assist girlygirl, we are revealing an issue that is fundamental to most women 50+
In the years leading up to our 50th birthday we willingly dedicate ourselves to the roles of life-spouse, mother, lover, career person, sister, daughter, community person, friend etc. Success and satisfaction in the earlier years demands a certain amount of selfless dedication to the development of those roles, that is how our lives work.
But what happens along the way is, to varying degrees, we can lose our sense of self. Not lose it like “poof its gone” but lose it like “darn where did I leave that thing” And so when we reach 50 and those roles begin, slowly for some, more drastically for others , to change we turn to find ourselves and…we find instead an unfilled space. We find ourselves uncomfortably spending time with someone we don’t know very well.
I say we need to take ourselves out to lunch and ask ourselves some “get to know you questions”. We need to probe and find out what our 50+ self has in common with our deeper sense of self.
I have observed that there are an unusually high number of female artists who live long and well. Women like Louise Bourgeois, sculptor and artist who died at 98 still working till the end and June Schwarz, potter, still firing at 91and Marte Cohen, writer promoting her book internationally at 90.
My theory is that the artist lives and dies by herself expression. If she loses herself she loses her art and so it makes sense that her art brings her the benefit of acute self knowledge and perhaps longevity and certainly quality of life. But art is just one path. Some women turn to spirituality at this age, they seek something abstract because they feel something missing and this is one route home, and so is philanthropy or a course of study. There are many paths to finding ourselves again. It is as if finding your way home begins with finally accepting first yourself and then the world around you.
I am feeling exactly the same way and similar in situation. My oldest son just got married but lives away. My youngest son is back home for a year or two to save money. I love my baby very much, but I did enjoy him when he lived on his own. Wonderful husband of 30 years who loves to travel. I am “learning” to love it. I do yoga but have gained weight in the last 2 years that seem to want to stick around. My husbands answer is just get a job. Easier said than done. I have been and apparantly still am an at home mom for all my adult life. Working outside the home scares me to death. I have migraines and when one decides to park in my head for a day or two. I thank God I have no commitments. I wouldn’t last very long at a job where I was on sick days 3or4 times a month.
I feel I have no motivation for anything. I do love my yoga but a passion for anything–I have no passion. There is nothing that intrests me. I loved being a mom and raising my boys but they are men now and no grandbabies yet.
I feel lost and bored so girlygirl, you are not alone in your feelings. I do thank God everyday for the blessings I have and I know my life could be so much worse, but this is my reality so don’t judge till you have walked a mile in my shoes. I understand. I wish this bubble would burst and I knew what to do.
WOW Ladies…..I can’t believe all the responses I have gotten with my post. It is so comforting to know I am not the only woman struggling with these issues. I’m sorry for those of you who are struggling with even bigger obstacles. I am sure in your eyes, I sound a bit whiney. But the truth is…even those of us who appear to “Have it all” struggle with life in our own ways that are just as important to us. I am so lucky that I haven’t had to deal with unemployment, losing my home, serious health issues or the death of a spouse. However, like every other woman out there, I have certainly had my challenges thru life …sadness, pain, illness and loss of loved ones. I hope that any of the issues on VN that I comment on will be given from a supportive view and not a bitter or unkind attitude. There is enough of that in our world…I think of VN and the dear friends I have made thru our posts as a safe haven to express my feelings. I also hope to open up a forum of “little slices of life” that we all can relate to and share our thoughts, support and wisdom. Thank you to all you ladies out there for your kind and thougthful words. I am trying to embrace each day that I wake up and find even the smallest of things to smile about. Life is GOOD in so many ways…just stumbling a bit right now but I will find my balance again.
I also went through this, and still miss my children so much but I have found a few things that are helpful:
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Deal-with-Empty-Nest-Depression
Who knew it would be so hard to adjust to the children leaving.
I think the marriage of my oldest son did it for me. I think I may have a bit of “wedding letdown”. Him getting married really made me feel old. I miss him so much and he does live quite far away. I’m afraid of depression. I was depressed back in 2000 after my beloved father died. I was on anti-depressants for 9 years before weaning myself off them and began to feel really good. Now I’m afraid of slipping back into it again.
This forum is my safe place. I haven’t told anyone how I feel. Just do this or that is the usual reply. My youngest son even asked “What do you do all day, sleep?” Not a lot of compassion from that side. They just don’t get it. It is so hard when the kids go. Even with my youngest son back, the dynamic is different. He has his own life. Just another adult in the house. I’ve got to snap out of this!
you are absolutely right, you need to snap out of it. I noticed things changing, when my son and daughter became teenagers. Suddenly, the family dinners almost disappeared completely, everybody on a different time-schedule and they became sooo independent. Daughter left home at 20 for college, 4 hrs away, son kept to himself a lot, I had a job, husband was miserable at work and brought anger home, until he no longer managed it and let it out on me. Then the divorce, and son went to college, living with his dad for a while. Now the son lives far away, too. I was able to let go, because, I, too, had left home at 21 to immigrate from Europe to Canada. It is important to have a life, without carrying on with the “empty nest” feeling. I do miss my kids often, but we visit once in a while, and we keep in touch, but other than that, they have their own lives. And I certainly have mine. Try to keep busy with things you enjoy doing.
When I feel low, I get out the door and go the gym. It never fails after a good work out and a few smiles, I feel better leaving. I think back in the 50′s they did not all the meds; EXERCISE was strongly promoted. Helps me a lot with anxiety, too. For me, it is key for balance in my life. Sometimes I just go to the park with pooch and walk,’ being outside helps X2.
Hi there—I’m not sure you do need to snap out of it. I think we can be awfully harsh with ourselves. Every feeling is a signpost giving us the opportunity to see something new, looking within to reveal some deeper message we may be missing. Writing down your feelings, as if you were talking to yourself may reveal what’s under the depression or fear. If you can gain clarity about what qualities you feel missing in your life. I learned this for myself and have found it to be almost miraculous—what can bubble up in ten minutes writing time. It might be re-created through other avenues. I think we can assume it is the people we miss—to a certain extent that’s true AND one of the reasons we miss them is that those people tapped something in us, some quality that made us laugh or made us feel creative or whatever. What were THOSE things? Those same qualities could be tapped and expressed through others or by pursuing other activities that may evoke the feelings we hold dear—-now that yur job of mothering has taken a different form. Just a thought. Big hug, by the way.
Hey! I feel that way also…with a slight difference I,ve been laid off for a year my husband is ill and getting worse, hes a truck driver and we cannot afford for him to quit so he’ll drive litterally till he,s dead . We have no health ins. so when that happens I will lose everything we ve worked our whole lives for. We are the same age as you. I have no hopes of ever “traveling” or even “shopping” for that matter.My only grandchild is now 15 and has his own life beyond grandma and grandpa he was the light of our life,my daughter and son in law have a very busy work life and social life and no longer have time for us like when they were younger and “needed” us as baby sitters. She gets her hysterechtomy next month so not the slightest hope of another grandchild and the joy they bring. I’ve volunteered but all I can think of is the gas I cannot afford to use to get there. So yeah I hear you girl …your life is sooo sad and without options “CRY ME A RIVER!” Then get off your sorry ass and find a life with all your options….
All I can say kro to your response is…WOW
kro – i wanna just give you a big, long hug! i’m so sorry that you can only see your world right now as hopeless. i’ve been there before and maybe girlygirl has also.
please don’t be jealous of someone else’s life. it’s always different on the outside looking in. and it’s so easy to be judgmental on such few facts that we’re given here. and i think we’re all old enough here to know that everyone’s life has its ups and downs. life shows its unfair side to all of us at one time or another. and at other times, we’re blessed with something so amazingly good that we wonder how we even deserve to be that happy.
the loss of direction and joy and purpose is painful to girlygirl and she’s reaching out to her sisters here for some help to change that. everything’s relative and her problem pales in comparison to what you see your problems as being. but i doubt your post above really made you feel any better about your situation and i doubt it was helpful to girlygirl in seeking a solution for hers.
i hear pain and frustration behind the anger in your post and that’s how we feel when we don’t see any hope for ourselves. i’m sorry for what you and your husband are going through right now and i hope you can seek and find some peace and contentment in your life right now as it is. i’ve had to force myself to look at a bad situation at times and see what i still had that was good in my life and not focus on what was wrong or fears of what the future may or may not hold.
just as you thing you would gladly trade your problems for girlygirl’s, there are millions out there that would gladly trade theirs for yours! it’s all relative for sure. but please know that you are loved and you’re not alone and everything will work out just fine.
again, i just want to give you a big hug and tell you to breathe and it’s going to be ok. seriously. and then i want to find something humorous to do or talk about with you while we eat chocolate. laughter and chocolate are excellent soothing healers. XXOO
oops! missed a boo-boo and i can’t edit it now. ”just as you think” not “just as you thing.” yeah, i give everyone else a break on typo’s, spelling and grammar but i’m anal when it comes to myself!
With all due respect… read FRO’s note again – there’s not much she can find in terms of “peace and contentment” when her husband had to work till he dies on the job, and she’s got nothing, nothing in terms of financial security. I think although you meant well, she needs more than a good laugh and chocolate…
well, with all due respect back, i don’t think i need to read KRO”S (it’s not FRO as you call her) post again since i said i was sorry for what her and her husband are going through right now – so obviously i GOT IT!! lol… i still stand by my words and if you’ll go back and read my post again, i gave her the same words of encouragement you gave her as well as some sound life advice. a good laugh and chocolate were the last things i offered and not the only things! geesh!!
i wish i had a magic wand and could make all KRO’s financial troubles disappear and her husband’s health restored, but i’m only human and only online so, i did my best to reach out to her in her pain of feeling hopeless.
and since you don’t know me, i’ll tell you I CAN VERY MUCH RELATE to her situation and i know for a fact a hopeful attitude can spark actions that can turn things around.
BLESSINGS AND HUGS TO YOU AGAIN KRO! Today’s a NEW DAY AND YES, YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN FIND SOMETHING TODAY THAT WILL BRING YOU SOME PEACE AND CONTENTMENT and that can inspire you to have a great positive attitude to get a job or create one for yourself for some needed income. Positive people attract other positive people who can help each other. XXOO
and THANKS SO MUCH AGAIN to the kind-souled woman who sent me the most wonderful note yesterday regarding my post to KRO. YOU MADE MY DAY LADY!! XXOO
Can you say ‘typo’?
And having been in a similar situation, until you’re ready.. hearing things like your response were upsetting because if you CAN see the positive, you will. But sometimes all you can feel is the stress …. and that’s all I meant. In less dire situations, I’m right with you, and girlfriends, even online girlfriends, offering hugs and solace are all you need. This girl’s in trouble, big time, and yes, she’ll find peace -hopefully soon! – but she’s got some stuff to get through first…
A lot of the people on this forum could never relate to what you’re going through. I’m so sorry about your husband, and about your finances. But you will persevere, and you will have more blessings in your life, I pray they come sooner rather than later. What a scary place to be. And I can imagine how you felt reading about this woman’s issues. What you wouldn’t give for THOSE problems, eh? Sending you love, girl. xoxo
How sad, KRO, that you feel a need to take your bitterness out on someone else.
Wow Kro..sounds like you have a lot on your plate. We just never know what life is going to throw at us. I am very sorry for all you are going through. However, I honestly don’t think it is necessary to be so sarcastic regarding my situation. Even people who seem to have it so easy certainly have their own problems. I hope things get easier for you and your family. In the meantime, I don’t think it is inappropriate to expect all of the sisters on VB to respect that each and everyone of us has unique situations and this is supposed to be a safe place to share our worries without being made to feel insignificant.
Yikes! Bitterness spreads such pain!
I read your post and had to look at the name as I could have sworn that was me. I too have been married 36 years, kids grown, married to a workaholic, and have retired from teaching. I too am not very talented in any of the common hobbies. I have been volunteering in 3 service organizations almost all of my married life. I see them as an integral part of my life, but I’m kind of getting burned out. I don’t see your post so much whining as concern that you utilize your life the best that you can. What are we supposed to be doing with this half of our lives? Each person has to figure that out for themselves. Not everyone has the opportunity to do that. Some will have to work and struggle all their lives. So this time is a gift and we want to make sure we use it for what suits us best. I also feel, sometimes, that I don’t want to get too involved in something as I feel guilty because my husband is still working. But life is short….try sampling all sorts of different things. I found that I really enjoy reading about historical events. I look at current events and then explore the history behind them. I enjoy having the opportunity to see nature. You don’t get to do that when you are rushing to work every day. You just have to take the first step at looking at new things that you didn’t have the chance to do earlier. Go for it!
Clibey…I am glad to know that many of the women “get” what I was trying to say. You expressed the feelings that I have perfectly. I am constantly looking around me, trying to see what grabs my interest. I like your idea of researching the history behind certain events. My parents are huge history buffs and are still educating themselves thru books and dvds. One thing they did teach me was to appreciate the little things in our daily lives. For example, I love it when I notice for the first time every fall, when the liquid ambers start to change color. It is a symbol to me that fall is here. I have little finch’s that come every day to nibble on the bird feeder right outside the family room window. They are so cute to watch. I know…little things to notice but I guess the philosophy really is ”stop and smell the roses”. You are right…we are lucky enough to have the gift of time to enjoy life and that is what I am trying to do.