I wake up more mornings than not wondering, it this all there is? I feel like I am living my husbands dream day in day out. We are both living his dream. I want and need to do something that is just for me. The problem with that is I am sure it will not mesh with his life. Why do I put his dreams before mine, although I do not even know what my dreams are. I am alone in this or might I be the majority. We need to make a change but how, help me.
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
Hi Dawna,
Is there something that he is keeping you from doing? I ask because my husband is the over-achiever in the family. Because of that, we have been involved in some great adventures. We flew our own planes, rode motorcycles, raced late models and sprint cars and many other interesting things in our 38 years. I never felt that I couldn’t do anything on my own, and did many of the things that interested me and he actually got involved with them as well. This may not be what you’re feeling right now. List some of the things you want to do and go for it. He can go or stay but life is too short to sit back and say, “Your journey was great, wish we could have done some of the things I wanted to do”. Good luck. No this isn’t all there is. It’s just the beginning for you.
I had the same feelings until about three years ago – every weekend my hubby was out with his pals flying remote control planes & helicopters whilst I did the chores and took the kids everywhere. I was working full time as well as doing everything required inside the home. My life was a constant regime of work day in day out. Then we emigrated to Canada, he was working, I was not – bliss, I could concentrate on looking after the children, organising the emigration paperwork and resting! Three years on I have learnt to enjoy time to myself – I have a wonderful writers circle which has given me new friends with a common passion, I see my best friend on a regular basis for sleepovers and I walk my dog on a wonderful off leash area. Just think what your ‘perfect’ life looks like and go toward it, its your life start living it.
Hi Dawna: What would your husband say if you told him that you wanted something in your life together just for you. That you feel like your life has been about helping him live his dream and you’re ready to find a dream of your own. I’d like to know what his responses would be. You are not alone by a long stretch.
Thank you everyone for your positive feedback. We are very tied down due to a large ranch with lots of animals that need daily care. He loves the farm day in day out. I like the farm. I assist him whenever he needs me. I am an adventuresome gal, fishing, hiking, etc. not much for knitting and that kind of activities. Every time I talk of going to do things on my own he encourages me and then makes comments that make me feel guilty for being away. I may be interpreting them the wrong way, it may not be him at all. Also meals are very important to him and eats on the clock. If I am away he calls just to check about supper. Once in awhile I wish I could just go and not have to worry about food. I feel selfish if I am away, I need to get over that but somehow I have been programmed (thanks Mom) to feel like I am not responsible if my duties are not done. Our children are grown and gone, I could have freedom but I just do not know how to take it. Also I have done many things and have yet to find my true passion. I wonder if most people know what their true passion is or are most people like me, searching for the one thing that they never tire of and fulfills them. Your feedback is so appreciated and I will take your ideas and hopefully run with them.
Time to read Elizabeth Berg’s book “Pull of the Moon” or watch an old film “Shirley Valentine!” It sounds like he can be a bit passive aggressive (encouraging you to take time for yourself, yet making comments that guilt you). It’s so important for you to have time just for you, because if you don’t, believe me…the resentment will grow. I felt that way when I was married and wish I had paid more attention to those longings…maybe I would still be married…maybe not. I felt, and still do, empowered when I do self-care…things or decisions that nurture my whole self. Getting past the guilt can be challenging but it’s so worth it!
You are right about the resentment. I stay home and work but I have alot of anger inside. I should love living here it is very peaceful and beautiful, I often feel like it is a prison. I am 52 I need to start doing for me pretty soon. I will keep you posted. Thanks for caring.
I have the same problem the guilt makes my stomach roll over and over – but I still go and share time with friends, my writing and long walks. It is hard to ‘leave’ but as time passes it will get easier. I am 52 as well and when I think of the amount of time I spent NOT doing what I loved I get angry. Tell yourself you deserve ‘me’ time – I do.
Good luck.
Hi Dawna,
You have described your situation very well and have gotten some great suggestions. I can ‘feel’ how locked in you are.
You and your husband have established a routine of habits over many years. He is a little ‘spoiled’…many men get spoiled by their mothers and wives.
It’s just the way things happened in our generation. Times are changing that. Meanwhile, you do have a problem.
It is not easy to extricate yourself from life -long habits. I think if you can incorporate your own activities into your present life, this may be a start. For example, you live in a beautiful location with lots of animals…perhaps you could invest and learn about photography. You could photograph so much on a ranch that we ‘city folks’ never get to see. Posting them on the Internet on places like http://www.artwanted.com would be fun! Framing photographs for your home and family members would be such great memories and gifts! Professionally framed photos are gorgeous! Learning and loving photography is a lifetime endeavor that many have fallen completely in love with! You say you are the outdoors active type. Marathon running is another, more active, hobby. There are many local week end runs, they lead to long distance runs…say in Boston.
Youtube offers a variety of crafts and hobby demonstrations in painting, pottery, candle/soap making…just tons of ideas. Do some research…be very brave!
If you start showing an interest in a ‘hobby’ you just never know where it will lead. The trick is to get started.
If the photography idea appeals to you, include photos of your hubby. He will like that and feel included…gotta be crafty. Lol
Good luck to you, Dawna. Let us know how you are doing.
YOU SHOULD TELL HIM YOU PLAN ON VISITING SOMEONE.handel his reply as needed.
BUT,dont kill the idea !! SUGEST ANOTHER DAY& TIME!!A nd see do the2 of you need to talk of an outing for Y-O-U.
THEN,GO FROM THEIR.GOOD LUCK,PAT
You are sooo not alone!! I simmered, boiled and exploded my way through THREE marriages that way. Each time… getting out only to face new challenges (as in taking care of myself), but even though I did that successfully, I still had the same old “bottom line’ wanting “the” man.
By “nature”, religion, society, and tons of other stuff… women have been convinced marriage and “the little woman” role is normal. I’m here to say – it is not. It’s hard to break this mold… but it’s important for women to do so and fulfull their own lives. We are all here to fulfull a purpose… OUR OWN, not his!
I got “the men” and though I moved up each time in social and financial stature… I’m just now blasting through marriage no. three. Unknowingly (seems knowledge comes slowly) though he loved me a lot – I was merely his “paid escort” as we walked through his life. That old theme “they married and lived happily ever after” has not been my theme song.
I’m 72 and my thinking, right now, right here, is that I’d better stick to “gal pals” because becoming Mrs. Whoever just means that I become “Him” in one way or another.
At this point… I have to work on my passions – writing and painting. As I’m an only child… being alone has really never been a problem. I like my solitude. Alone and Lonely are not the same. Alone is a choice.
Fortunately I did have two children (who are now are preparing themselves for becoming my ‘parents). God Love Them. They are the best thing I got out of those marriages.
Jozella, are you a writer? If not you should be. I simmered, boiled and exploded my way through three marriages is a great line first line for a novel.
Change can come in small increments….I guess first I would perhaps tell him it is time to hire a handyman to help him, make some plans to try some new things yourself, make up some freezer dinners so that when he calls you about when dinner will be ready you can tell him as soon as he takes it out and heats it up for you….or tell him feel free to make a sandwich, you know two pieces of bread with something good in between…..if he can handle a ranch he can handle a sandwich and heat up a can of soup……that’s what I would do anyway….thank goodness I raised my sons to cook for themselves, nothing like a “helpless” guy in the kitchen….life is too short to not explore your own interests….even if you just want some you time right there at home reading a book or taking a bubble bath, you should not be a slave to his stomach clock….
Omigosh….you count! Your desires and hopes and dreams COUNT! They matter and they are IMPORTANT because they are important to YOU and YOU COUNT!
*taking deep breath*
And you count enough to take some action. Spend an afternoon at the library, a bookstore, the mall….just going where you want, looking at what catches your interest, pursuing whatever feels good. That’s one way to start the mental juices flowing so you *can* recognize your passion.
And as for that stomach clock of his, introduce him to the microwave and frozen dinners because now and then, he might have to fend for himself, and he’s more than capable of doing so.
Then – take some time for fun for YOU. You deserve it.
Most men our age know they are supposed to be supportive of your interests and goals (didn’t they try to be “the sensitive man” in the 70′s?) but in truth they want their partner to be a female double of themselves whose priorities, interests, hopes and even fears are exactly the same as theirs. I tried to do this, but found it to be an uncomfortable brand of lonely. You might take up the simple habit of keeping a journal and go from there. Writing poetry or writing items for your local newspaper, or the whole range of possibilities. (I say this not because I’m a writer, but because your posts show you have an effective writing voice.)
Thank you. Funny you mention the writing, I do write Cowboy Poetry, living on the ranch I have inspiration everywhere. I am avery outdoorsey gal. I make willow furniture, barnwood furniture, garden. The list of things I have taken courses on is long. The thing is, I always enjoy learning I just rarely love doing it after. I have been feeling pressure to challenge myself so much these days. Last summer I hiked 47 km. along the coast of Vancouver Island, although I thought I was going to die on the trail I completed it and, now I want another challenge, just to see if I can do it. I think I might be having a tough time with the fact that I am aging and there is not a darn ting I can do about it. Thank you and everyone for so much support, wish we could all get together and hang out and share experiences face to face. Strong women can be a force to be reckoned with when we join.
I can so relate to this discussion. I have always loved the outdoors; camping, hiking, biking but my husband didn’t and for years I resented him because he was standing in the way of me doing all these things. When I turned 60, I literally had an epiphany, and realized I can do these things on my own. I signed up for an REI wilderness adventure and when tI was done with that I found a local hiking group that goes hiking, camping, snowshoeing almost every weekend. I am now the Secretary of the board of directors for this group. My husband supports all my adventures and I think, on some level, he is relieved because I no longer bug him to do it with me.
I have also taken on a very big challenge, to run a marathon before my 62nd birthday, I turned 61 in December. This has been a huge challenge and a lot harder than I ever thought it would be but my husband is supporting every mile I run.
BTW I have a blog that journals all my trials and tribulations, of which there are many. http://www.61marthoner.blogspot.com
I assure you that you are not alone! Do you have children? you’ll have to elaborate about your dreams and I’m not sure what I would do if I had to change jobs? Yes I do as I let this husband talk me out of getting a job so that I could be a world diplomat. Having a job like Samantha Brown would be great!