WE hear about the male midlife crisis. The mistress, little red sports car, sail boat. The male ego pushing to keep the dude young at heart. But what about us girls? Many of us have endured the male indulgences and moved on. Whether we stayed in the relationship or sailed off for calm seas, we have moved forward. We are the caregivers and facilitators of life. How many of you have screamed “My turn” and acted? What did you do? How did you justify your actions? In retrospect was it wise or do you regret what you changed?
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thank you so much Lisa, that helps a lot. I know he tried to blame me for so much stuff, but like I told all of his family and mine none of that added up to a divorce. I do realize it's his needs, it just hurts so bad to think how many years he's
How funny....i only very recently (within last week) read the coconut oil articles on the web. (100 uses, 80 uses etc.) so i bouht some and ordered some from amazon. (Im a stockpiler.)
Have started trying some of the uses. I tried using it a
Wow! Did I! My husband left me when I was 55. After I laid in a fetal position on the bathroom floor for a week or so, I slowly uncurled, got to my knees, then I took a shower, ate something (speed up the passage of time:) started working out, got some cosmetic surgery, bought some pretty new clothes, started dating, a two years later I was remarried, sold a business, tried several things, decided to get my counseling license reinstated after a twenty year hiatus, started a private practice, got into mindfulness and considering life as a pilgrimage, created a circle of like minded women and now have a life I could not even have imaged back in the day. YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ‘IT’ (whatever ‘it is) TO GET TO IT.(true joie de vivre). There are no shortcuts. I’m now 62 and am happier, have more zest and passsion in my life than I ever have. You can too! Life is so, so good but for it to be this way, you have to ENGAGE in life. Discover your passion, what it is that excites you and then jump in with clear-sighted focus, attention and intention! Get a a good therapist or a good personal life coach if you need some help. Smart women find the resources they need to accomplish their goals. As Nike says, “Just Do It”! Be happy, claim a great life. The universe wants it for you!
I agree with pambarge. Her advice is excellent. My problem stemmed for severe lack of sleep in menopause over a 16 year period. But menopause does pass, the sleeping got better gradually and I learned to put up with less crap from everyone. The last of my wimpiness died in menopause. I’m 60 in two weeks – it’s a rite of passage. A good one. Sure, I still look in the mirror sometimes and think, oh good grief, look at that. But I let it go. I don’t plan to have cosmetic surgery. I’ve earned this face. Things are starting to open up for me. I’m a writer. My agent just asked to represent all 5 of my unpublished books. He loves everything I send him I learned to paint at age 52 by watching Jerry Yarnell’s painting lessons on tv. I getting better and better at it. My art in on my web site. I’ve just completed a novel about feisty old women. I want to teach others to be happily old. I’m no longer willing to put up with the dregs people gave me because I’m female. There’s all kinds of things that I’m doing now. I like me. I really like me, even when I fail. Failure is just another step toward success.
Find your bliss and follow it. It will work. You’ll see. If anyone tells you otherwise, don’t pay any attention to them. Smile, be happy and enjoy the crinkles.
Love your story…would like to see your novel about feisty old women…we’re really great creatures, aren’t we! God bless you and keep pluggin’!
Great inspiration. I am so tired of get it together articles. All this what did you lo;ve as a child stuff well as a child I was told to shut up it ain’t gonna happen. You loose what you love cause you never notice its gone if you don’t love it. Now of course that is the past and we all “must rise above our raisin” so be it. The sun is shining and the house is comfy.
Thanks. Here’s hoping my agent can find a good home for my old lady story soon, that and my other works as well. I write fiction because I’ve received more help with my personal problems from fiction than from nonfiction. Nonfictions says – this is the truth follow it. Fiction says – here’s something to think about, take from it what you will. In fictions one can tell more truth than in nonfiction. I learned that the hard way.
Well for the first time in years and years I’m in the fetal position. It sucks. I’m stuck, stuck, stuck. My significant other is thinking we might be over and his reasons aren’t bad and I’ve had those thoughts also. Just however, when I’m trying he’s fading away. This was like “shock and awe”. If we end I will pick up and start a new life in another city, which is exciting and terrifying. Any good city suggestions; will need a job as my business won’t transfer to another place fast enough to keep me on my financial feet. Ugh! I’ve become a cryer; unfamiliar territory as a middle aged woman. It’s this limbo spot that’s unsettling.
You will make it through this. You will. Believe it. Somehow you will become stronger. I know, it sounds like b.s. right now. But you can do this.
Do something crazy like Las Vegas for a couple weeks….Its Disneyland for adults…My husband and I moved here 12 yrs ago but the job market is ??!…Its a struggle but worth it to us…
wow, las vegas, huh? I haven’t been there in 33 years. I’d probably be in shock. I’m not a gambler, so it’s never been a destination. I’m going to drive with my son to Seattle in June as his medical residency starts out there July 1. I’m going to check out Seattle, Portland, and maybe Denver for re-location options. I think it might be time to “get out of Dodge” as I’ve lived in Chicago for 34 years….new start is sounding good right about now. Thanks for your suggestion!!!
If you stop in LV you’ll need to reach me and we’ll get together. It’s changed alot here but there are some great places…our age…that we can check out and not stick out like sore thumbs.
Kentucky, especially Louisville is very friendly city for middle aged single women.
You might check that.
wow maybe its menopause. Mine was awful. I moved from Buffalo NY to Ocala FL. I hate FL but my very fave city on east coast down south was Charleston SC. I love it because it is very OLD SOUTH and parts of it looks like it did 200 yrs ago.
I was so scared when I divorced my first husband, who was a physical abuser, after 15 yrs. I made it just fine. I fell in love two years later with a man 14 yrs. younger. We married, 28 yrs. now, have two children and grandchildren. I was 34 when I divorced the abuser. I’m 63 now and wished I had divorced him sooner. Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Author Suzanne Braun Levine recently talked with VN about the female midlife crisis. She calls this phase “the fertile void”:
“The hardest thing for most of us women is to be patient and give ourselves the time we need to stay with this free fall, this time of confusion. But out of all the confusion will come an awakening to caring about what you think, saying no to what you don’t want to do with the rest of your life, and beginning to say yes to what you do want to do… When we’re in this state, it’s hard to tell one another just to go with the flow. But we can tell one another that we’re not alone, that we’re not crazy. And that this is part of something very exciting–because what lies ahead is big.”
Follow this link to read the rest of Suzanne’s comment about “the fertile void.”
You are absolutely right.
Thanks for the support and cheerleading! I know you’re both right and change is exhilirating right after it scares the crap out of you! gail maria
yes it is scary but so worth the internal growth! You learn to enjoy the freedon and the abi;ity to be you!
that free fall in a black void is pretty scary. Looking back on my time there, I think the period when I was really suffering from posst traumatic stress was really a time of healing. After the gut renching twist f the knife and excruciating pain came blissful numbness and then slowly, ever so slowly….creative thought and action. It really is a rebirth…pain and awakening. Practice your zen…..rest in it. Be loving and kind to yourself. Buy yourself a flower, take a warm bubble bath, write yourself a love note. Remember you are lovely, precious and awesomely unique.
Oh, it’s hard to remember my lovliness at the moment. I wish I could remember that I’m strong and resiliant also, although I’m getting back to those thoughts. “Free fall” is the right wording. I’m not in “blissful numbness” yet , still feel the knife.
Hang in. You’ll figure out a way. I’ve done that through numerous crises. You can too. I never had the blissful numbness either. I’ve had all kinds of deblihatating periods in my life. I’ve had most everyone I care about turn away when I needed them. It’s still happening. But…but, things are getting better in some of my compartments. Yesterday more negative things happened relative to my mom. So, today for therapy, before I write and paint, I will transplant a couple of little fir trees which are growing in places they can’t stay. I will put them in parts of the backyard, where they can grow up and kill off the invasive blackberry vines, naturally. It will make me feel better. And then tonight I will feel cleansed, of sorts, and will be better able to paint and write.
Zen is good – I agree with pam.
Namaste,
Vi
Life is an adventure and sometimes we have to take detours in order to get to where we think we want to be. After experiencing the worst possible emotional pain I could ever imagine (being reunited with and then rejected by the daughter I gave for adoption), I thanked God because I realized I COULD feel the pain. That means I still have and can experience emotions. I had thought I was becoming so jaded, cold, and downright indifferent. My motto was “2 tears in a bucket and F_ _ _ it”.
When we consciously search for the little things that make our hearts smile – like a flutter-by (butterfly), pictures in clouds, new blossoms on a tree, a toddler catching snowflakes on her tongue — we fill those empty voids and aching places with JOY! Each little spurt adds up to replacing depression, loss, disappointment, etc. It takes “practice”. I had to make seeking joy my new “religion”. When in my deepest doldrums I actually said a “thank you” prayer and named each and every item I could think of in my life (starting with each houseplant and pet). Unbelievably, within FIVE MINUTES I felt a physical weight being lifted, a feeling of exhileration in my center and a new sense of anticipation and wellbeing.
Consider moving the the S.F. Bay Area. The weather is perfect, the scenery is awesome. We are right at the ocean and yu can get to mountains or redwood forests or snow or deserts within 2-3 hours’ drive (day-trips). There is every conceivable activity or interest to be found here.
I’m new to this website so I’ll have to find out if it’s o.k. for me to put my email address in a posting. If it’s allowed, and if yu’re interested in more info about the Bay Area, yu can email me directly. I LUV doing what I call the Northern California Grand Tour for my friends and relatives: S.F. & Sausilito, Carmel/Monterey, Yosemite, Lake Tahoe, Wine Country and Mendocino Coast. Each is a day trip. And each location is an inspiration. It’s difficult to be in the dumps when surrounded by so much beauty and there’s so much to explore!!
It must have been very difficult being rejected by your daughter. The good thing is that you learned something positive about yourself. That’s what I do with my painful situations – I try to learn something from each one, so they won’t be for nothing.
Yes, living in an evironment that one loves can make a huge difference. I live in the Coast Range in Oregon, and I love it here.
Be careful of putting your email address on any site where the spam bots can pick it up. You will be deluged with spam. I don’t know what the rules are about that either, but if you do it be sure to put write in “at” for the @ sign and write out the word “perion” instead of using a “.” That way the bots won’t be as likely to find you and spam you. I learned this the hard way.
I’ve been to your neck of the woods…Loved Carmel and Saulsalita–SF…Tahoe as well. And dont forget the trip to ALCATRAZ–by ferry. We’re taking our son this summer at some point.
I began “my turn” quite unexpectedly, but it came about due to my realization that my marriage was only successful in my mind and that all the off-hand remarks my husband often made were not jokes, but actual truths. To be succinct, I fell in love with a married man. Oddly enough his main attraction was how well he treated his wife and family–they were number 1 in his life and everyone knew it. He became attracted to me for many of the same reasons he was attracted to his wife, who, by the way was a wonderful woman. One thing led to another and the relationship bloomed (no detail, but you know what I mean). I felt I needed to tell my husband and children before the whole county started talking and I did. My husband asked me to stay so I did and the other relationship is no more, no over, just no more. It’ll never be over and guilt overwhelms me sometimes. Enough on that, but if any of you ladies want to discuss similar situations and your feelings, I will be glad to do so. Oh, and just for the record, I know how wrong it was and no matter what happened at home, it did not give me an excuse to do wrong. All I can say is I am human and did not have the armor of God on to protect me from the temptation!
I’m not sure it was wrong – the affair. I think it could have been a cause and effect situation. If a husband repeatedly treats his wife badly, berating her, mistreating her, an affair is reasonable. Now, that’s not what religion says, that’s not what society says, but it’s true, nonetheless. I know that in our marriage vows it says, for better or for worse. That’s a bunch of s__t – if by for worse it means it’s okay for the guy to beat his wife physcially and mentally. A person should not have to put up with that. There are times in our lives when we don’t have the strength to make a move to get out. And we are broken and can hardly make it through the day, but we have responsibilities to tend to nonetheless. And if someone is there who provides a little comfort to help us through, then it’s reasonable to take it. Sure, it doesn’t solve the problem at home, but it is understandable. And sometimes the people who are first to judge us, are the last to offer help. I know. I’ve been there.
I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this subject. I’m never going to be able to forgive myself and let it go. I mean, it’s time to GET OVER IT and get on with the living. It isn’t alwasy that easy though. It seems that every time I really think I’m getting on with my life, Mr. “Please Stay” has some sarcastic, snide remark that he blurts out and thinks he’s so deserving to be able to say things like that. Well, he wanted me to stay, I did, so all I can say is treat me like you want me to stay and not like you are trying to run me off. Also, even though my children are grown, it devestates them to think of a split between me and their father. Truth, we will always be a team when it comes to our children and grandchildren, but our lives as happy husband and wife are over without a miracle cure. I’ve tried, God only knows how hard I’ve tried and I’m not perfect, but it takes two to tango and I’m runnning on solo even when he is here. He won’t talk unless it’s some kind of pity provoking remark and it makes me physcially sick. I try to stifle rude retorts, but sometimes I have to answer or choke. Believe me though, life isn’t all bad. I have my health, my home, my children, and my grandchildren who make my existence very pleasant. Now that even my youngest grandson is noticing the differences his grandfather and I have, I may be forced to make a move, but I will never leave them behind.
So even though he got better after you retired, he’s now back to the way he was before. I know it’s about control. He does just enough to keep you there, then reverts back to his @#$#@ self, once you are in line.
It’s your life. You need to do what’s right for you. Your children are old enough to adjust. Take everyone with you. You deserve a chance at true happiness. You are one of the most caring people I know. Now it’s time to care about yourself – first.
Vi