I asked my friend Nanci, at long last retired from her career in K-12 education (as a teacher and principal) how she is adjusting to all her free time. Nanci, in her early sixties, has a brilliant, introspective, ethical and spiritual mind. You might remember her from these skydiving pictures. She’s no wuss. Here’s what she wrote recently, and I think it exemplifies transitioning with grace as we age:a
Last week I went to a kayak class in our local Ocean Kayak Clinic. It offers lots of classes from kayak surfing, rolling, expeditions, crabbing and rescues. My neighbor, Roy, and I thought that we might take rescue together, since we often kayak and it would be good to be able to help each other and ourselves should we capsize. I had taken the same class 8 years ago and felt that it was a good class to have and to repeat.aIt was a cold, rainy day… there were eight of us in the class. I was one of two women and the oldest in the class. I feel that I am a pretty accomplished kayaker, but in this class I was terrible. I was able to help others, but every time it was my turn in the water I could not get back into my boat, except with a ton of help. I remember being in classes with other “lame” (IMO) people and was embarrassed for them and wondered why they were even in the classes.aEventually the class ended and I took my very chilled and soggy body home. I then ruminated on what exactly this means for me. Should I work to regain upper body strength (although I do yoga regularly and it’s not usually a problem for me) or should I just not do any hard kayaking where I might get in trouble or perhaps there may be some other ways to think about the experience.aI hosted a Tapas Party a few days later with a bunch of “foodie” friends, including my wonderful yoga teacher. During the conversation, someone asked me about my class…I laughed and said, “True confessions”, and told the group of my struggle.aLaura, my teacher, said, “Well, Nanci, what I hear is benevolence of spirit.”aAnd she was right…and this is my real learning from this experience. Because for most of my life I would have been totally humiliated and would have slithered home and berated myself for days. I would never have shared my experience for the sheer embarrassment of it. For once, I had accepted and loved myself enough to be able to just contemplate what this meant in the realm of my life, without severe judgement. And it felt good. I’m not sure if this is a gift of age, or if it is a late learning for me.aIt is something I wish I could pass on to young people who live in the shame and embarrassment that I have carried with me all these years. Imagine what we could accomplish as humans if we could be self loving. Benevolence of spirit, what a wonderful term and a life expanding concept!
Nanci, I’m inspired by your words, and happy you’ve found that sweet place of self-appreciation. Unfortunately, it probably is something the kids will have to wait and work for, because I think it mainly comes with age. Thanks for letting me share your story.
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The key here is to begin making some decisions on your own. What is it you want to do? Sounds like you have the insurance thing figured out, are you seeking agreement? concensus? There are no "shoulds" only decisions based on rational/critical 
Oh my gosh! I felt your inner pain ... and I apologize for the fact that when I got to the part about setting your hair on fire, I laughed. I'm so glad you weren't hurt, and hair grows back. Perhaps a new hair-do would not only rectify the situation 
There is no such thing as a legal separation in my state..The only way I can get husband out of the house is to force him out..He refuses to leave..I would have to file for divorce and get temporary orders including a restraining order..
I feel so
doggiediva - I live in Florida which is a no fault divorce state. Everything that was accumulated during a marriage has to be divvied up 50/50. Unfortunately, he has nothing but the house to offer you. Because of your health situation he may not be e
This is lovely. Thank your for sharing Nanci’s story.
What a wonderful story! And what a wonderful age we are at when we can experience and accept each moment for what it is and grow from it instead of having to analyze it to death. Thank you for sharing the story.
Marian and Flower, thanks for stopping by to comment. It’s a privilege to have known Nanci for thirty years now!
This is a fantastic post! I know it’s cliche but as I’ve aged, sometimes I read self help books. I actually just finished reading a great one called “Borderless Broads, New Adventures for the Midlife Woman” by Morgana Morgaine. You can check her out and get the book right from her website, http://www.morganamorgaine.com/. It’s a great read for women, especially those like me who are middle aged. I thought it was a pretty interesting read and instead of telling me “it’s all going to be ok”, it gave me a sense of inner peace and confidence in myself. Thanks again for sharing this great story!
Amanda, that sounds like a good book. I’m going to check it out. I’ve been grateful for any info about midlife I can find, so this is right in my ballpark. Thanks and best wishes.
It seems to me at 66 and a few years earlier, I learned that “wherever I go there I am”. Problems begin and end with me. From time-to-time I have met/married people who are just irritating. The main trait is their NEED TO BE RIGHT, and that is because I am left wondering the best tactic to stay calm, ie no hitting, use your words — so in fact when I take a breath to figure it out I can manage. When someone is criticizing something, I now know that it is their issue recognized in me and REALLY their.
Oh yes, I learned that even cats talk back.
Darcy, there’s wisdom in what you’re saying. The author Anais Nin said, “We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.” In older age we realize this, if we’ve done the work. Good for you! (Can’t speak to the cat comment though!)
It is a beautiful story and an empowering realization that we don’t have to beat ourselves up because we feel we don’t measure up in some way. I believe and teach other women of all ages that forgiveness begins with ourselves. In fact there are no mistakes as such in life for every experience is an opportunity to learn something. If we could inform our children as they interpret the world that everything is about learning; beating ourselves up and feeling shame does nothing to bring what we want into form. The law of attraction says that what you focus your attention on is what expands in your life, so women of all ages indeed all people should choose their thoughts carefully and educate their children that shame is much like guilt…..it keeps you stuck and doesn’t get you where you want to go.
Everything you say is true, Empower. Culturally, we women are indoctrinated to see ourselves as lacking. One bit of evidence: women’s magazine covers. Almost all about self-improvement, suggesting we’re the big problem. Message: If we would only work more on our bodies, faces, attitudes, jobs, relationships….!!
When I went back to college to get my degree in my 30′s I took a multi-disciplineary course on women in the media. My professor held up the cover of a women’s magazine showing a stunning woman with perfect hair and make-up. The professor said that we are told that this is the standard of acceptability for women and it is impossible to look like that because even the model doesn’t really look like that … they had airbrushed out the pores in her skin! I love that I can choose how I look to suit myself and no one else. Freedom feels wonderful.