These past 10 months, I’ve tossed and turned, prayed the prayers, shed the tears and dreamed my desired end results.
In unexpected ways and places, the presence of angels, both seen and unseen have impacted my life. Be it a passing stranger who offers an unsolicited comment on life or an intuitive thought to contact someone from my past. Sometimes my enlightenment is in the words of a friend offering sound advice, encouragement and support. Still others have shown their concern with silent prayers on my behalf because I have felt their blessings. This is what moves me the most and I’m keenly aware not to take anyone or anything for granted. Perhaps now more than ever.
I’ve never felt a victim, instead choosing to stay grounded in truth and remain faithful in the midst of chaos despite obvious emotional obstacles. I kept saying,”I’ll figure it out” because I’m doing my best with what I have from where I am. So I choose to stay grounded in truth, take the higher road and with steadfast determination and emotional resolve, I’ve been able to handle his sucker punches. I cannot lie. His attempts to belittle, make untrue accusations, manipulate and make character assassinations have staggered me. I won’t deny that he’s been successful in knocking me down and I lay curled up in a fetal position sobbing. But it happened twice and it passes as I harness the strength to stand back up. Maybe it’s cause I’m Calabraise!!!! ; )
He has taken his best shots and regardless, I’ve taken one hour, one day at a time as I have for most of the marriage that had only me participating. I was on a team but the only player. My decision to say goodbye after 28 years came after I stepped outside myself creating distance. Then I worked like hell to figure out who we both were meant to be to each other. It became crystal clear that we may have been married but we were not a couple due to his selfishness and inconsideration for most of the marriage. A marriage in which I languished too long to maintain the “happy home” lifestyle, so three could be happy and one could not. Here is what was key: I vividly imagined him with another, kissing someone else and I didn’t care. I’ve come to learn that for me, there are three distinct reasons for attraction in any relationship. Not excluding the necessary continued learning and fun, they are: Sexual desire for only the partner, romantic love and deep feelings of attachment. I was at the point, and had been for years where all three were non existent. So, with my arms open wide, my heart ready to receive, I took the road less traveled and walked away.
In time, I’ve realigned my beliefs to expect the unexpected and this has made all the difference in connecting the dots of my life. The miracles taking place today are beyond my wildest dreams even though I don’t know where home “is” and despite where I really want it to be. As I begin my brand new life alone, I wasn’t expecting it to feel different but it does and I’m free falling! Yet all the while knowing I’m a better me for the experience and fortunate for the time to quietly challenge long held beliefs, realizing my mistakes and reflecting how they have had cause/effect in my life choices. With renewed faith, I remain optimistic and willing and able to love again. If not for the support of all my “angels” I could not have navigated this process. My heart overflows with gratitude to everyone who has carried me through 10 months. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Ut-oh..what’s this water on my face? I’m an ugly crier but here come happy tears!
Have you experienced divorce at midlife? How did it change you?
Rest assured, we don't send spam and your info is never shared with 3rd parties.