“Recovering from divorce after a long marriage is a daunting assignment, to say the least,” says Judy Steinberg, Vibrant Nation member and author of Fabulous After Fifty: And Sexy at Sixty. “The loss of self esteem can be immobilizing as we try not to feel like an utter failure. All those years invested in the wrong man!”
There is a way back to the real you, but it’s not for the lazy or sad. “Starting out with the right attitude is imperative,” says Judy. “Take stock of what you have to feel good about. You have your health, your children, your teeth, his car… Be prepared to reach into your emotional mothballs and rediscover the happiest, smartest, cutest, funniest and most alluring version of yourself.”
If you’ve read the previous post in this series, Divorce After 50: 4 ways to reconnect with your best self, read on for more advice from the members of Vibrant Nation on how to discover the very best version of you.
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Judy Steinberg
1. Learn something new. “At first glance, this might seem like an insignificant effort. It is not,” says Judy Steinberg. “Challenging yourself physically and mentally is crucial to feeling alive and in the flow of life.” Getting into the habit of learning new things is the best antidote to the false but damaging notion that your best years are behind you.
Where do you start? Just follow your passions. “Learn a new language, a sport, a cooking class at your local high school, college or community center,” suggests Vibrant Nation member and author Lois Joy Johnson. “You’ll meet new people and get out of the cycle of same old.”
Lois Joy Johnson
“I learned how to dance the West Coast Swing,” says Judy Steinberg. “Not only did it give me something to do at night as an alternative to Internet dating and the bar scene, but it took two inches off my waist. If dancing isn’t your cup of tea, why not take an art class, or learn how to cook Thai food? We’ve all had the experience of thinking that someday, when we finally have the opportunity, we’re going to do that one thing we always wished for but never had the time to pursue. Now is the time. Now is your time!”
2. Reclaim your identity. Now that you’ve put the title of wife/partner/spouse to rest, it’s time to aim the spotlight squarely on your identity as a powerful woman. “You’ll be developing courage you never knew possible,” says Jackie Haughn. “Your rediscovered power will come pulsing to the surface as you experience your true identity that’s been hidden under your label as wife.” Pay attention. Honor and acknowledge your true identity as it surfaces.
3. Give back. There are local women’s support groups for every issue a divorced woman may encounter—from legal matters to coping with disease, loss and depression. By all means, draw on support from others when you need it—but if you want to rediscover your best and strongest self, consider being there for others as well. “Join groups of women that do volunteer work,” says Lois Joy Johnson. “Children’s hospitals and shelters always need caring, sensitive staffers and you will get so much more back than you give.”
“I started an online meet-up group for divorced women and made some friends,” says another Vibrant Nation member. “Now I’m starting a new venture to help other women by creating a nonprofit woman’s business center. I am happier, healthier, and more at peace than I was for many of my married years. People who have known me a long time tell me that I look happier and younger!”
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Jackie Haughn
4. Put yourself first. When all is said and done, this is the time to put yourself first. “There is nothing selfish about putting your needs and wants ahead of others,” says Jackie Haughn. “While traveling in an airplane, we’re advised to receive oxygen first before we can help others during an emergency. There is great truth to that. How can we help others if we cannot help ourselves?”
5. Reinvent your life. With divorce comes awareness of unfinished personal business. What did you put on hold during your marriage? Instead of wasting time looking back with regret, pursue your passion and dreams. “Most of the women I know in their fifties and sixties raised husbands and children, devoting their own lives to the well-being of their families,” says Judy Steinberg. “Careers were put aside, priorities shifted. Well, now it’s time to make your life about you. Try a new hair color and update your wardrobe. Did you have a husband whose idea of travel was the distance between the sofa and the refrigerator? It has become so easy for women to travel alone or in groups. Go to Italy! Do you still want that degree you never got? Matriculate!”
“Don’t forget for one moment that you are smarter than you ever have been,” says Judy. “Yes, we’ve had to surrender some badges of our youth for this moment, but then again, who in their right mind wouldn’t trade perky breasts for wisdom and confidence? Therein lies your allure. What is sexier than a smart, confident woman who has not retired from life? You are free, and it’s not too late to become the person you always wanted to be. Now get out there and GO GIRL!”
6. Practice gratitude. “Getting divorced after 37 years of marriage was the best thing I ever did for myself,” says one Vibrant Nation member. “I am not going to put down my ex and blame him for everything because I am just so grateful to be free. I’m grateful to have a career and financial security, which made it so much easier to move out and on. I was able to buy a new home, which I love, and am learning to take one step at a time in this new adventure. Yes, there have been some very difficult moments over the past eight months, but that is all part of the recovery process and the journey of self-discovery. I am learning to like who I am again.”“When you embrace your freedom to live exactly the life you want, that you designed for you, you can surprise yourself sometimes,” says Judy Steinberg. “We emerge from the grief of a lost dream and put ourselves together—wiser, but optimistic.”
What advice do you have about finding yourself after a late-in-life divorce?
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Anonymous, thanks for your insight. Whether or not he knows what shows, the fact is, he still has an active profile, and he signed into it last week for the first time in several months. If it was as a result of an errant email...you know, those 
You are only a victim, if you want to be, or if you think like a victim. Take charge of your life, get a really good divorce lawyer, and take your ex to the cleaners.
First and foremost is making sure that you and your son will be taken care of
Bravo to you! This is good advice divorced or not. I’m in a stagnant marriage but I feel single pretty much. I’ve been trying to do just this. After both kids left last year I’ve been on a quest to discover who I am. My daughter came back after the police and fire academies. She’s looking for full time police work. Until then, she’ll be home. I hardly know she’s around though. I’ve been on a spiritual quest also. That’s a whole other thread.
Linda – I too am in a stagnant marriage. My son has left home and my husband has a bi-polar sister who at present is in a depressive state. I want to “do” things on my own and in fact, try and get away whenever possible. However, I still feel “responsible” to my husband who is also very low at the moment because of our marriage and his sister’s illness. How, when you’re still living together, albeit in separate bedrooms, do you let go? Not an easy thing to do or an easy question to answer! Good luck to you.
I think it’s a process. I’ve been In the process for many years. We haven’t had any intimate contact for a dozen years. I care about him as the father of my children. But it stops there. There is so much bad karma around this house. I have a totally separate life. It has to be this way to keep my sanity. Every once in awhile I throw myself at him only to have him reject me once again. It validates my stance though. If I had the funds I would have been gone years ago. I started from scratch twice in my life and am too old to do it again.