I was one of the many whose life was changed by Bernard Madoff. My situation was a little different than most people’s I know in that I didn’t have a lot of money. I’d sold a very small cottage in upstate New York and I had had that money in the stock market.
And when the stock market began to do its thing in the Fall of 2008, I took all my money out of the stock market. I had a friend who had her money in a fund that was basically showing moderate, steady returns. I felt the only responsible thing to do with my money was move it into a fund where it wouldn’t be quite so much in jeopardy.
So I took what was left of it and put it into a local fund and two months later – I had received a total of $1.41 in interest on this fund — I received a voicemail that said that Bernard Madoff had been arrested and that the fund had been totally invested with him. And I knew that all of my savings were gone. That was everything I had in the world.
So I stood there with the phone, and when the voicemail lady said, “To repeat this message, press one. To save it, press two,” I pressed the number one over and over because I wasn’t really getting the full impact of what was being said. I went into kind of a stunned, numb space.
And in that numb zone of paralysis, I started to hear the words of a poem. The poem was one that I hadn’t thought of in a really long time and it wasn’t even a poem I had ever really been drawn to. I knew it because some of my workshop students had worked with this poem about six months earlier, so I had heard it over and over. And the line that I heard was “Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things.”
So, I’m standing there with the phone in my hand still and the voicemail lady doing her thing and I’m hearing the first few lines of this poem. And I put down the phone and thought, “This is nuts. I need to do something. I don’t know what it is, but it’s probably not Google a poem.’”
And yet, I literally could hear nothing else. I remembered the first few lines of the poem which are:
“Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things. Feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go.”
So, I Googled the poem. I read it and it was as if it spoke directly to what I was experiencing. It was as if the poet Naomi Shihab Nye was in the room with her hand on my shoulder saying, “This is so much more important than losing money. What’s happening here is much more profound and can take you on a much deeper journey than bitterness and survival anxiety. Listen to this.” And the poem, called Kindness, really became my prayer.
I went over to the home of my friend who also had her money invested with Madoff so we could comfort each other. I arrived holding this poem, planning to read it to her, and she met me at the door holding the same poem.
I slept on her couch for a few days because her husband was away and we just wanted to kind of walk through the crisis together. Every morning and every evening we would read the poem together. And I would work on learning it by heart.
I feel that that poem certainly saved my sanity and, in a deep way, really saved my life at that period of time. It allowed that crisis to be a door that opened into a much more profound relationship with my own life and with people all over the world, and, ultimately, with true kindness. The Dalai Lama says, “Kindness is my religion.” And through that poem and the Madoff experience, I understand that.
Don’t get me wrong: I would be happy to get my money back. But I would certainly hold it with much more wisdom, not just about investments, but about life and about pain and about connection between human beings.
His sickness I am assuming is his health???? If it is, well it's his issue to deal with. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.
When are you going to take care of you emotionally???? This cheating on you is emotionally killing you. It
If my husband would talk and listen I wouldn't be chatting with another man.
I'm looking for a sports bra that doesn't flatten. Any suggestions?
I love the poem below. As I move through life, so much depends upon the choices I have made at each age. And always, I learn more from what I have done wrong that what I have done right. Here it is:
AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
by Portia Nelson
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place
but, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.
I love this one also.. In fact I first received it from another “vibrant woman” several years ago, I then forwarded it on to many others.
I think I will again
Thanks for posting it
i have shared this poem with many young women over the years as someone once shared it with me wheni was young and foolish..
but we are still getting older and still sometimes foolish.
this poem is the truth.
thanks for reminding me of a time when my life changed because of it.
sari
i have shared this poem with many young women over the years as someone once shared it with me wheni was young and foolish..
but we are still getting older and still sometimes foolish.
this poem is the truth.
thanks for reminding me of a time when my life changed because of it.
sari
i have shared this poem with many young women over the years as someone once shared it with me wheni was young and foolish..
but we are still getting older and still sometimes foolish.
this poem is the truth.
thanks for reminding me of a time when my life changed because of it.
sari
I first heard this poem when listening to tapes by Denis Whitely, Your Life By Design and have used it many times for self guidance to help break bad habits. I’m glad t have the author.
Hello… I would have picked another street after the second stanza!
One of my favorite poems is “A Psalm of Life” by Longellow:
A PSALM OF LIFE
WHAT THE HEART OF THE YOUNG MAN
SAID TO THE PSALMIST
TELL me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream ! —
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.
Life is real ! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal ;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.
Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way ;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.
Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.
In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle !
Be a hero in the strife !
Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant !
Let the dead Past bury its dead !
Act,— act in the living Present !
Heart within, and God o’erhead !
Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time ;
Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.
Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate ;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.
I love it because it puts it all in perspective. “…things are not what they seem” We have such a narrow view of life. So many times I let things bog me down and that dark cloud of worry and fear comes over me. I worry about my kids, my husband’s floundering career, my job… everything! It’s easy to want to lie down and give up. But this poem reminds me to keep going, keep doing! It’s not always what it seems… Work. Wait. Be an example of grace. Be there for others but don’t lose yourself in it. What am I waiting for? The grave? Pray not! I have NOW!!
It is indeed a Great Poem! I had not heard it beofre, but I am adding it to ones I value & KEEP! TY
My 19 and 16 year old daughters were in a car accident, not their fault – my 19 yr. old died instantly and my 16 yr. old was in intensive care for 5 days, survived but has had physical and emotional prob. 4 years after the accident, I wrote a poem that told how I was coping and helped me get my feeling out, which was published on a poetry website. The on echange is that with God’s help and counselling, I no longer live in the fear I wrote about. Here it is( actually more lines are separated, but didn’t want to take up more space):
An Unexpected Night
1992, I remember that year;for since that time, I’ve lived wth fear.
The telephone rang, and out of bed I sprang
Only too soon to find that I was about to lose my mind.
To the hospital I drove as fast as I could;knowing my girls were hurt(as only a mother would).
“We’re sorry, one’s dead, but one may survive”; I had to tell the news to Jodi, who was alive.
Her eyes told me she knew and the tears, they grew.
“God will help us,” I cried; and since then we have tried
To trust in His way and make the most of each day.
May God bless anyone who has had to go through or may go through this kind of pain.
I have always loved poetry, starting as a young child. I have written many at different stages of my life.
The poem that has MOST affected me is titled, “I’m Free…” I happened across at a time I desparately needed something positive to help me begin to live again after my youngest child & only girl died just after turning 19. She was my Best Friend too. Her death was not out of illness or suicide. She died of an overdose of heroin. One of her best friends was addicted & Karen got curious enough to just try it once… it was the worst mistake she ever made & it cost her .. her life.
I still keep in touch with her friend, who blamed herself for Karens death. I told her NO, Karen made the choice to try it & lost the gamble of it not doing harm. I told the friend, the only way it would be her fault is if she did not learn the lesson of how deadly drugs can be & STOP using them herself. She struggles with life now as we all do.
After you read this, I am sure you will understand the comfort it gave me & in it I found strength to start living & not just exist!
“I’m Free”
Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free.
I’m following the path God has laid you see.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day.
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that peace at the close of the day.
If my parting has left a void,
then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.
Oh yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life’s been full, I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee.
God wanted me now; He set me free!
(Author –unknown)
I am sure this poem has helped many like myself. If I knew who wrote it, I would do anything to thank them!
My sister lost her daughter 10 years ago and she still grieves terribly. She hit a train by bending down to retrieve cigarettes, not text messaging. I sent this poem to her thinking it may help her feelings, but to no avail. Sometimes there are those who don’t want to move on but want to think that the world is out to get them or they cannot wrap their brains around today nor tomorrow.
I too remember turning to the words in a poem I had read when I was in high school when late in life I had my heart broken by a very special person. The words went something like this…. Love is like a tiger in the night, one never knows when it will strike, but when it does my heart will feel the constants joys and fears for real….. This I would repeat to myself over and over agiain every time I sat and creid for this lost love.
-D
I have been learning to let go, and to let live, since I left a very restrictive 36 year relationship–over a dozen years ago–and I pray that my ex-husband has been doing the same. Like far too many couples, we made the mistake of expecting way too much of each other in terms of companionship and compromise. Each of us stood in the way of the other’s freedom, personal expansion and growth–all in the name of commitment and family obligation. But it wasn’t the end of my marriage that woke me to what we were both doing that was so terribly damaging. That awakening came several years later when I almost ruined another precious relationship because I was still holding on way too tightly. That is when I began to do a lot of reading, research, and soul-searching–and finally began to “get” it. Luckily, I came upon “The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran. That poem offered me a whole new perspective on marriage, and in fact, on all my relationships. Would that I had found it decades ago.
And what of Marriage, master? And he answered saying: You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
‘I took the road less travelled and that has made all the difference’ I’m happy to say that I’ve tried to always follow the ‘road less travelled’ and not follow the crowd. It has made all the difference. Being different is good for the soul.
It always amazes me how the written word can have such a lasting impact on us. In my life time I have come across many such writings and poems. One I would like to share with you is a poem written by a women that had breast cancer, and was going through the treatments. I was given this poem, after I had lost my Sister in an Auto accident, she was more than my sister, she was my best friend. My life was tormented, I couldn’t sleep, function, I questioned my faith, Why would God take such a lovely good person. I am not sure why I found comfort and solace in this particular poem, but I did. Maybe because, I had lost my Mother to Breast Cancer just a few years prior. I framed this poem, and had it at my bedside, and it became my pray. It definitely helped me thru the grieving process.
Cradle me, Creator Dear:
Please don’t let me go.
I’m hurting and I’m overwhelmed.
I need your your presence so.
Cradle me through this long night
as silent tears I weep.
Hold me in your loving arms
And rock me back to sleep.
Cradle me so I may find
Some peace at your soft breast
I’m tired and I need release.
Creator, help me rest.
Author Karen Scott Bares
I am so glad you found poetic words to bring peace back to your life. I went through some of the same problems as you when my daughter died, but I never questioned my faith, instead I found myself THANKING God for the priveledge of knowing & raising my daughter until he called her back to him. When you think of it this way, it gives one a different perspective…
As the poem “I’m Free” states.. her work was done.. APPARENTLY… “I” still have work to do because I am still here!! I DID question why I HAD to stay alive at first!!
I am grateful to my sister who stood by my side the first week or two after Karen died, even though we were not very close before that event. We remain close today.
Thank you, Kim!
This is going to be a treat for me. I’ve always wanted a peek into poetry.
Regina
Thank you for your post, Kim. I love poetry, and used to compose when I was younger. You have reminded me that I need to not let life and lack of time separate me from the random thoughts that I love to form into prose. =]
Just received your book! Excited to start reading it!! Thanks ;)
I don’t know if my favorite is just a quote or if it comes from an actual poem. When things are really rough (regardless of why) I recite and/or read this over and over. It is by Albert Camus.
“In the depths of winter I found that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
I have a banner with that on it and my daughter bought me a magnet with it several years ago.
Now that packs a lot of punch within a handful of words. Renewal, time and again, renewal.
My first thought is that at any moment any woman our age has the potential to be in “an invincible summer.”
Beautiful…
“Phenomenal Woman” by Maya Angelou definitely helped me redefine and reclaim myself. Years later I heard a young acquaintance recite this poem and I felt inspired all over again!
As she has for many people, Mary Oliver gave me the gift of lines that asked important questions, phrases that were so right they took my breath away. In her “Summer Day” she ends with a line that gave me courage to carve out a new path: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Wild and precious life – I asked the question and acted.
Recently I have met a poet whose work touches me in the same way as Mary Oliver’s. I’m trying to persuade Marilyn to publish her considerable body of work, so far unsuccessfully. But I’ve been able to publish two of her poems on Catching Courage. Here’s a section from “That Apple” that gives me shivers:
We have two choices
to sink our teeth
into the flesh of this life
knowing, in every sweet,
sharp moment,
that we are naked
and dying
or to sleep – covered and hidden -
fading into death.
The second poem is “Sunflowers”, with lines as exquisite as those in the first poem.
Thank you for sharing Marilyn’s poems. She has a rare and stunning talent. To not share them with the world is to bereft it.
I’ll share your comment with Marilyn. She knows I am a fan, but hearing from others how good she is may encourage her to publish. The world needs her poems.
After my husband passed away last October I read this poem and it certainly touched my soul. The timing of his passing was not very good as we had fallen into a bad financial situation. I had had a heart attack myself the February before his passing due to stress but I am doing much better now. The love and kindness my family, and in particular, my sister, have shown me will never be forgottten.
The Final Lesson
I have sought beauty through the dust of strife
I have sought meaning for the ancient ache
and music in the grinding wheels of life
Long have I sought and little found as yet
Beyond this truth: that Love alone can make earth beautiful and life without regret!
I was given a copy of this poem by Rumi when I began a very long and drawn out divorce. It was exactly what I needed and have held it close ever since then. At that time, the repeated line “Don’t go back to sleep” kept me going. Now it is the line “you must ask for what your really want” that inspires me.
“The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the door-sill where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep”.
- Rumi.
This is a favorite of mine. Thanks for posting it.
When my mother was dying and my 38-yr marriage was imploding, I found myself reading and reciting the 23rd Psalm in those moments when I felt most lost and alone. This reassured me that I was not alone either on a spiritual plain or on this earth. My friends lifted me up with their many kindnesses and God lifted me into a place of grace unlike anything I’d ever felt before or since. Amazing that those thousands-of-years-old words could reach across the divide and make me feel loved and strong enough to get through what had to be gotten through to reach this peaceful place I am in today. Thank you for providing a link to this equally uplifting poem and putting it in place here for us to read in these challenging economic times.
i also loved this poem and also this happened to me as well.
The Journey by Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting their bad advice -
though the whole house began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with it’s stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough,
and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.
I read this one over and over during a particularly dark period of my life and keep it handy to share with friends walking through their own shadowy dales.
Well, the poem did not move me as much as it might others, but that is what poetry is about anyway -
expressing oneself and touching others as needed.
However, it has long been my own personal opinion that for the majority of people, there is no
true compassion until they have gone through something themselves.
As we’ve been in a cycle of loss ourselves, we found friends staying away (is loss contageous?),
our self esteem nose-diving, and our thoughts of what we knew of the world frittering away piece by tiny piece.
We saw family members ignore us in ways we didn’t know were possible, and to depths we didn’t know
was possible. We are still not sure why on that one… we’d never asked for any money, but we did ask for advice. Instead, we were ignored and shut out like we had leprosy. Perhaps we had financial leprosy – two job losses and the subsequent loss of our home might have made us seem like we had open boils of poverty on us!
But, ultimately, the hurt from the way people treated us was much worse than the loss of our financial security and our home. It was the undercurrent of how we were either a)fiscally irresponsible or b)completely stupid is what hurt the most. Neither was the case… we were simply on the leading edge of the post-9/11 panics and recessions.
However, we learned a lot from our line in the trenches as well. Now, my husband and I have always had more compassion than most, and served in lay ministry for over two decades, But even though we THOUGHT we knew what folks needed, we didn’t. For example, unless you are helping a family in China, stop giving those 20-lb bags of white rice to your food pantry! Try peanut butter instead. But most of all, if you know someone who is going through a job loss, a financial misfortune, know that everything has a season – it won’t last forever. Be their friend. Not too many people are expecting you to write a check to bail them out. (Now if Oprah is reading this and would LIKE to help us out, then let’s talk! LOL!) But, they could probably use your company and friendship now more than ever. Do they have kids? How about offering to keep their kids for an evening so they can have a cheap date night at home? Rent them a movie, buy a box of microwave popcorn and whisk the kids away….
Anyway, I’m rabbit-trailing.
I think so many of us tie our self-worth to our checkbook balance. When our financial security is gone, then who are we? What a good question, because in our society, you better either have money or youth. Heaven help those who have neither, because you will become invisible to most and your voice will echo into an abyss of of faces turned the other way.
”because you will become invisible to most and your voice will echo into an abyss of of faces turned the other way”
I like the way you expressed that sentiment.
I also agree with the body of your statement
In my own family the one member who was perennially down due to bad choices and alcoholism was pretty much ignored by her peers.
it’s not that this person acted out or that they were homeless, it’s just that they were amongst the working poor. as everyone else were living the American dream, one wanted to be in their midst of their poverty.
the matriarch has always bleated; “its not for others to judge me..if they are truly religious” I have finally countered with, but they do and do not wish to visityou because IMO believe they are uncomfortable with your poverty”. I think like you Musicalmom, they believe it to be contagious.
I further think it reminds them of their own vulnerability.
interesting
Hello,
I hope you get a chance to read the poem I wrote(An Unexpected Night) which I sent to kgritts above. Your topic brought back memories to me, and how we need to live each day the way God intends us to. I carry the poem I wrote in my purse as a reminder to try and do my best for others, myself and God – make mistakes, but it helps me get right back on track.
Hi Kim
I think I miss the first part of your article. Could you please post that poem again that saved your life? Thanks.
Hi danceme2endoflove -
The poem Kim refers to in her post, Kindness by Naomi Shihab Nye, is here: http://www.vibrantnation.com/?p=37334