If you’re post-menopausal and (one hopes) female, you’ve probably got at least as many years left as the number you spent raising your kids. Men, a little less but still plenty. What milestones might you be looking forward to in this, the second half of your one precious life?
Here’s what the culture tells you to expect:
- You’ll lose things: bone density, skin tone, hair (except where you don’t want hair. There, you’ll get lots of it, overnight and without warning), memory, energy, friends, loved ones.
- You’ll need lots of pills.
- You’ll decline further and die.
Society has no expectations of you in the second half of your life, in contrast to the first:
- You’ll get teeth! You’ll stand upright and walk! You’ll enter school!
- You’ll get your license! Prom! Graduation! First job!
- Marriage/kids/career/anniversaries/grandkids!
- Retirement!!
Then what? Uh oh. See above. So that sucks. What to do, what to do?
Here’s what I recommend. We’re an independent bunch, right?
Let’s establish our own awesome, middle-age-and-older milestones to which one can look forward with delight. If you lived in a different culture than one in which we do (the Hollywood-defined one in which, as Steve Almond says in his profoundly thoughtful introduction to Cheryl’s Strayed’s new book, explosions/shiny tits comprise our personhood), you might not have to do this, but since you do, you may as well revel in the freedom to make things up. So, what milestones might, in your ideal world, beckon to you in the second half of life?
Here are some ideas to get you started, and then I hope you’ll contribute.
IN THE SECOND HALF OF LIFE, ONE IS EXPECTED TO AT LEAST MAKE AN EFFORT TOWARD ACCOMPLISHING THE FOLLOWING:
Women will develop a new and highly personal sense of style, characterized by three essential elements: fashion, comfort, and making young women envious.- Pursuit of your grand objective is expected. Whatever dream you’ve blathered about for the past fifty years or so – travel, a sport, painting, starting a business, writing, reading, thinking, teaching, computer expertise, living fulltime in an RV, photography, dance, singing, escaping – you’ll be expected to make major moves in that direction.
- Your overriding political interest will change from your own good to the welfare of the country and planet. I.E., larger than yourself.
- Your kids will see you as an example of how to live powerfully in the second half. (They won’t pity you, as in this sad little article.)
Listen, people. We’re old; we’re awesome – those lines in your face speak of hard-won experience. How about we tap into our power instead of giving it away by worshipping at the altar of a culture that tells us that if we’re not fertile (women) or kickingass/takingnames (men), we’re pointless?
Please share your utopian dreams with us.
You need a plan. The book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Knowledge is power. You can call the domestic violence hotline; a woman's shelter; get into counseling. 1 i
You're welcome, Linda. I agree with you. I do read novels with younger characters, but I get a little tired of the immaturity sometimes, and the issues that don't need to be issues. A mature adult is so much more interesting. And, I enjoy Elizabeth B
To all those Vibrant Women who have, like me, left abusive relationships - whether verbal, emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, financial, social...or all of the above! - I say congratulations to us!
When I read this post, I think to mys
Those are great goals. My trainer at the gym is 24. She is struggling with what to do with her life. I teased her and said, “Every age has a big question. When you’re twenty it’s what will I do with my life. When you’re sixty it’s what will I do with my life.” I think that this generation of older men and women will redefine what it means to live fully in the later part of life. This is the time when we should be our best selves and be a model for what is to come. We do not have to let Hollywood or anyone else define us by their limits for us. The only person who gets a say in who I am is me and God. My goal is to be the best human being I can be, specifically to be the woman God would have me be. I can’t do that if I limit myself and hide in the shadows of life because I am afraid that’s what’s expected of me. Screw that. I’ve still got a lot of living to do and I’m going to do it.
WM, I LOVE your attitude. And I plan to quote you when I give a talk next week on following one’s dreams in the second half of life. What you said about “when you’re 20…when you’re 60…”
Just brilliant.
Awesome, I love it. As baby boomers we are still blazing the trail into our twilight years. Bring it on!
Amen, sistah!
I don’t mind the few wrinkles I have on my face, but what has gotten to me in the past 6-12 months is the sagging of my neck. What the heck happened there? I have applied creams, done exercises, and it just keeps on sagging.
Yesterday as I was driving to work, I finally said (out loud), “This is crazy. Instead of feeling upset or embarrassed about my neck, I should embrace it and be proud of it.” I have lived well into my 50′s and do hope to live longer. I refuse to be a negative statistic, ashamed or embarrassed of my neck, facial wrinkles, or for that matter, breasts that have become a little lower on my body. I am a woman and proud of it. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, applying lotion to my body, I looked in the mirror and said (again… out loud… it really helps) “I like my body.”
We must embrace our womanness, we must be proud of all the hard work that got us this far in this lifetime, and we must smile and laugh because we have a new and exciting future going forward. We can make it what we want because we now have experience and wisdom, which we did not have in our youth.
I love us.
Susy, I love us, too, and I love your way with words. Here’s how I see it: we can’t be immortal. Nothing changes the fact that we will age and die. The only thing we can do is figure out how to be happy! If I can’t fix my neck, I’m going to quit noticing it. My mom is 87 and still putting herself down due to her looks. I mean, at some point we have to accept it and move the hell on, right? Thanks for commenting.
I WILL be immoral! I have written two books!
Oh, woops, Freudian slip? I meant IMMORTAL!!!
Lynne, this is such a thought-provoking post. We do need to question our culture’s perception of aging, especially the marginalization of aging women.
It seems to me that family and friends make a great deal of difference in how a woman deals with her changing appearance. If she’s treated as a little old lady, and she lets that happen, her self-image is already eroding.
On your recommendation I read Scott Warren’s Huff Post article, “A Family’s Retirement”, and I smiled wryly in agreement with the comments you made to his post. One can only hope Scott’s parents will read it and remind him that they are in charge of their own future and can handle it without any hand-wringing from him.
We have a rough road fighting patronization. If younger people are dismissive of our achievements, that’s their loss. We can create joyfully and take pride in who we are without their permission.
Sienna, the kid (Scott) on HuffPo was cute, and I didn’t begrudge him his love or worry, but it was highly amusing to see him so worried about his weak little parents! Thanks for your thoughtful comments. It’s good to be this age, isn’t it?
I’m really happy with myself and who I am now. I accept myself. I stopped chasing my own tail. I wear what I like to wear. I do what I like to do. I spend time with people I like, and I like to spend time alone. My goal for the rest of my life is to have one best seller after another another, continue to write more books, continue to paint.
If someone treats me badly because I’m this age, I ignore it. It’s their loss. Old people know what it’s like to be young, middle aged and old. Young people only know what it’s like to be young. Young is not better. Young people are old people in training. Being myself under all circumstances and loving it is the goal, and it’s working.
Wow, Vi. Your last sentence is so powerful. I will never have that kind of guts.
But I’m proud of having developed, as an alternative skill, the ability to lie like a rug when needed to preserve my mental health. For example, when a crazy relative or neighbor creates drama, I might act like I never even noticed, because the effort to respond is a waste of my precious energy.
Or here’s another: a guy spoke at a conference today. Nice guy, sucky preso. He phoned it in. Afterwards, he hands me and my friend his card on his way out. Says he’d appreciate our feedback. We nod. Sure.
As if. I threw his card in the trash on my way to the car. No malice, just conservation. Life is short. Use your minutes wisely!
Thanks for commenting.
Hi every wonderful over 50 lady out there. I agree with everything you are saying but I did a little something different.I always said if at age 60 ( I just turned) if I had the wrinkles and jowls and turkey neck , I would do something about it.
Today now 4 months after my facelift, mid/lower and neck lift with upper/lower eyes done I feel and look like my inside does. Perhaps some are ok with the laugh lines and sagging skin but it really bothered me. I am so happy for me. My sweet hubby was all for it and actually we had a nice vacation in Cancun Mexico where I had it done. It is surgery but I dont smoke and a good weight and pretty healthy. Incredible cost for a retiree which I could never afford in Canada.
Lots are afraid to go to a foreign country but it was safe and I found a Patient Facilitator that took care of my every need and a fantastic surgeon. So here is to turning 60 with a refreshed face
Hi Retiree! I’m glad you feel better. Beyond that I can’t comment as I have learned there are few topics more freighted than “Plastic surgery – yes or no?” Hope to see you around AnyShinyThing in the future.
Lynne, actually it takes me less energy to be myself. Being artificial takes way too much energy, like Mary Shelley said. And a person does not have to be rude. It’s all about developing wisdom. One key here is learning when to speak and when to keep ones mouth shut. Just because I’m thinking something doesn’t mean I have to say it.
My aunt Lottie, 45 years older than me, was a good example. She twinkled. When things were happening, instead of speaking out and causing a hassle, she’d learned to speak her mind only when it seemed prudent. So she grinned and twinkled. She died at 97. I miss her so. I hung out with her some when I was in my 30s. I’d take her places she needed to go sometimes, and I watched and learned. Einstein put it this way:
If A is success, then the formula is:
A = X + Y + Z
X = work
Y = play
Z = knowing when to keep your mouth shut
That one can be difficult to learn. But no one needs to know my opinion. I can be quietly myself if its best for me. Once in a while things do have to be said, or one is run over. Aunt Lottie had learned to do this…most of the time. She was a true success.
retiree58
Glad you like your new look. This is all about choice, and you decided this was what you wanted. Cool. I had my nose remodeled for the same reason. I figured when I was waiting in line, and God was handing out noses, he was really thinking about going fishing, and he gave me one and a half noses because he wasn’t paying attention. So I corrected his error. Grin. I’d always thought I’d have my first face lift by the time I was forty-five. At forty-five I didn’t want to bother. I’m sixty-three. Things sag here and there, and I see my aunt Lottie in my face. For me it’s about self-acceptance now. I accept the older look as part of who I am. It goes along with being myself under all circumstances. But my choices are not necessarily right for anyone but me.
This is such a cool place to be.
Vi, I can see your Aunt Lottie. I so clearly picture her smiling and “twinkling.” What a great role model. I can’t wait until the next time I get a chance to emulate her. Thanks for the vision.
I am using Z…… a lot today…OH MY
Mother in law is here and argues with everything I say. Plus she asked for sunny side up eggs and they didnt have enough yellow showing…ok Z..Z..Z
Thanks my new motto
The alternative answer for the eggs, is “oh really? well tomorrow I will use that information”. O/wise the bar keeps moving and you never get to win or be first. That is a crappy relationship, one that requires retreat to a hobby where the head can nod and the brain can explore.
My rites of passage were: at 49 (chem) no more panty hose, and therefore no more skirts; and no more high heels. Haven’t regetted my passage decicions at all.
This is for ThriceDivorced: I do not have not one skirt or dress in my closet. Even for my step-son’s wedding, I wore flowy black pants and a coppery top. I looked great. It’s great to be of an age where you can make your own decisions, isn’t it? No societal pressure, unless it’s self-imposed.
Being 50, I’ve been in a frenzy to purchase products for lines, wrinkles, dry skin, you know-the whole nine yards. The thing is, we can’t help when we were born. We are the age we are.
While younger workers may be willing to work for less money, we don’t call out because we’re too tired or hung over from partying the night before. For those of us who have children, they are grown, so the before/after/illness/school holidays are no longer issues. We know how to conduct ourselves and how to dress appropriately.
With age comes wisdom and we should embrace it!
Retiree58. Glad the Z is helpful. When I was a kid I was too shy to speak up. Then I learned and did too much of it – it caused me too much of a hassle. Now I’m learning balance. Life seems to be about balance. It takes a while to learn how.
Lynne, you’re welcome. I wish I’d been around Aunt Lottie when I was a kid. She was my maternal grand aunt and lived 150 miles away in the big city. I was a country girl. When I grew up I moved closer to that city and discovered that she was her own person. In a family of uptight people, she learned to be herself. Her life was not easy, and she was judged by the others for her common sense response to things. If you want to actually see her twinkle, you can go to the main page of my website, which is listed in my profile. Page down to the painting under Portraits, called Feisty Old Women. The one in the lower right is Aunt Lottie (born 1903). Above her is my dad’s sister, Ida (born 1896). To the left of Ida is my dad’s mother, Renie (born 1873). I wrote a work of fiction about them. It is with my agent. It’s the first in a series. It’s a fun book about being successfully old.
LindaS1961 Yes, being this age rocks. All the chaff is falling away, leaving only the pure grain. So cool.
I see her! She’s in the lower right of this http://www.whereartmeetstheheart.com/xfiles/xfeistyoldwomen.shtml for anyone who’d like to see Aunt Lottie. She does indeed twinkle, and she looks strong. Very nice portrait, BTW.
Lynne, Thank you so much. I’ve tried to put links in my responses before on threads, and they’ve been classified as spam, and the site wouldn’t let me post them. How did you manage that?
There’s another painting of her on the site. It’s called Aunt Lottie and Me. It’s also under Portraits. I took her to a place in a mall when I was 35 and she was 80. We dressed up as a hooker and a madame. The guy took a black and white of it. I was really unhappy in my life at the time. It shows. She was sparkly. Her sister, my grandmother, would never have dressed up as a madame. She would have gotten her bloomers in a bunch at the thought. But Lottie, she was special. When she died, she came to me in a vision, said she was off to a party they were having for her – those who she was rejoining in the afterlife. Was it my imagination? Could be, but I cherish it. And I believe it was real. She lives in my heart as a shining example, of wit, compassion and wisdom.
Gorgeous! http://www.whereartmeetstheheart.com/xfiles/xauntlottieandme.shtml
Maybe the reason I can post a link is because I’m a blogger for VN? And I’ve gone thru some preapproval process?
Lynne, Thanks so much. And thanks for putting in the links. I’d been painting three years at that point, and I can see all the flaws in that one. I could point them out, but I will refrain. By the time I painted the first one I sent you to, Feisty Old Women, I had three more years experience. I painted it at a time when I needed Aunt Lottie and the wisdom old women. My mom was dying in a nursing home, and the family was falling apart, all on my shoulders. I was painting from old tiny black and white photos. As I started painting the old women, in my head I heard, “Come to us in the days ahead and we will see you through.” It was of great comfort. It was like my grandmother Renie was behind me, looking over my shoulder as I painted, when she said this. Again, I was either imagining it, or it was real, but it comforted me.
Maybe your affiliation is the reason. I will try again sometime and see if I get the same results. At the time I was really annoyed because I lost some narrative that I could not get back. I tried again. Again the same result. I realized that maybe it stated such things in the user agreement, but I didn’t read the user agreement, because if one wants to use a site, one has to agree to whatever they say, even if it means one sells one soul, and of course, they say they can change the rules at anytime, so what’s the point of reading them in the first place?
I have the one of the four old women right beside my computer station so I can garner strength from their eyes. My grandmother died when I was seven, so I didn’t get the chance to know her. But Aunt Lottie was a gem, the real thing.
A beautiful comment, Vi. I’ve enjoyed our conversation. Best wishes.
Thanks. Me too. I love conversing with women with fine minds, like your own.
I love being 50, and look forward to what comes next. In the past year I have:
1. Started a blog, Empty House, Full Mind, that now attracts thousands of readers each month
2. Connected with hundreds of new people via social media who I would never have met otherwise (like on Vibrant Nation!)
3. Become a Huffington Post blogger
4. Stopped wondering “what’s next?” because I’m doing it!
I am excited for this phase of my life, and I have accepted what I look like, who I am, and what my life is about. After 20 years as a stay-at-home mom, it is my turn.
Sharon, it’s THRILLING to be this age!! I’m 58 and I’ve NEVER been happier. Best wishes in your exciting future.
Sharon, I’d LOVE to blog for HuffPo. As it is I’m a Networker and SuperUser – can you tell me how to get started? I’m here:
Lmspreen@gmail.com. Thanks so much!
I pouted about being 50 from 50 – 54. Then I decided, well, a lot of good pouting did. I was fine with 60. It felt different because the body started rearranging itself and developing old age issues. Such is the way of things.
I will, I will, I WILL ride the rails all over Europe and beyond, writing about my travels and exploring beyond my backyard!
And, I may just go after that PhD after all!
Hey, Lisa! GO for it (Ph.D); I am a 66 year old freshman!
I have been a member of Vibrant for years now and hardly post but this one is for me! Actually, it is screaming for me to post! I am in my 60′s and feel like I have awaken from a nap with a new outlook on life gradually budding since about my middle 50′s. I love being able to express myself in positive ways and not worry about the outcome or what people think of me. My loved ones know me well and that is what matters.
I hear the compliments from my dear husband, family, and friends and take note more often and realize how precious they are. Leave the youth to my children and 6 grandchildren and marvel at their looks instead of my own…for it is their time. This body is changing and I am groovin’ (for lack of a better word) on being the older and wiser now. I am finally here. Does this mean I have finally found myself? HA!
I still love to hike mountains, dance in my living room, and garden! I just do it a little slower. I have learned that racing up the hill makes you exhausted and you can endure the climb and sweat less by being slower. Maybe you may look more beautiful then but who the heck cares! The tortoise and the hare theory is the best still and should be applied or you may end up with injuries.
I’m thinking that this must be mainly due to the technological age we are living in but I am more keenly aware of noisy places, for example, restaurants, where people talk so loud that you can hear everyone’s conversations across the room. I do not like being there unless it is a rock and roll concert. Then just bring it on because that is my generation’s music and I love it. I also feel there is time for Motown, Soul, jazz, classical and country and western with a little salsa thrown in the middle. I grew up listening to everything on one radio station and I now know why I can enjoy all of it. There is a time for every purpose under heaven I love my peace and cherish my time now! PEACE to all of you!
SHIMMY! You have said everything I am feeling. I could write for hours, expanding on the profound points you made. But I would bore everybody, so I will pick one that I haven’t seen written anywhere else. You said, “Leave the youth to my children and 6 grandchildren and marvel at their looks instead of my own…for it is their time.” This is a great way to deal with the pain of losing our skin tone, etc. Admire the kids! Admire what perfection is Nature, and how beautiful our offspring are. Back when we looked like that, we didn’t probably realize it. I didn’t. I see how my 32-year-old DIL pretzels herself down on the floor to play with the amazing grandchildren she’s given us, and I see that there isn’t much difference between them and her. Youth lasts a long time. We are never prepared for the change, and then it happens to us and we have to adjust. You exemplify the adjustment, so healthy and strong-minded. Thanks for sharing this space.
At 60 I won a scholarship because of what I wrote about my life of ovecoming and am a Freshman in college (now 66). I was chosen as the “Distinguished Undergraduate Student” and most recently, my paper/work was chosen to present at the Michigan Counseling Association Convention in November. Milestones? Ha! They just (and WILL) keep coming. Oprah is my next milestone….been working on it for 15 years and will never stop speaking up about my passion; that of verbal abuse and how it affects all of society.
P.S. and due to great genes (mom is 90), I have flawless skin, (still) thick, curly hair and legs to die for!!
My attitude is Just watch me!! Get out of my way, cause I have major things to accomplish!
My hubby and I were having our flue shot a few days ago and a young 28year old nurse was doing it. She was so sweet and wanted to ask all kinds of questions. I asked her if she liked her job , which I thought she was amazing. She said most of the time with people and winked. Then I bbbegan to tell her of my life as a flight attendant travelling the world and now I am retired. Her eyes lit up and she said ohhhh I want to see the world you were so luccky. Then we told her we are retiring in mexico for 6 months as I need to be outside all year and winter is so cold. Her eyes lit up and she said..oh you are so lucky. I admire you so much. Then I thought of my life.
If I died tomorrow I have had an amazing life. Healthy, so many friends (over 40 year friendships) a wonderful man, experiences . Riding dirt bikes over moutain passes, snowmobiling where peeople dont go, fishing all summer, travelling the world, living in the country with wildlife and birds, having wonderful pets and a stepsone that we finally have a relationship. I have done it all. I could rest in peace with a smile on my face.
That is what my 60 years are, living life and now a new direction of the Yucatan, already so many new firends , living in the jungle on 5 acres with new animals and birds and feeling the warmth of the sun on my beautiful body. I am so blessed.
at 66, I am still hoping to be loved and celebrated by a partner/man. That has never happened. I HATE being alone.
Alicia
I have a funny story. I am not one to sit around and wait. At age 47 I was tired of being alone. I was divorced and alone for 7 years. I needed a date for a wedding. So I went to a video dating service. I went through about 10men and very disappointed. But determined I went back. Then I met 3 men one of whom was my partner now. We have been together now 24 years.
My partner’s mother did the same thing a long time ago and she is still with her husband.
It is work and there are for sure a lot of weirdos out there. Do it safely and the best thing about the whole process is you meet someone with common interests. We do everything together. Some I was very fearful about. Like dirt biking and snowmobiling and I cried a lot in fear but did it. It made me feel so good.
Now we are onto another adventure. I pushed a little more then my partner embraced the Mexico experience.
Good luck and know there is a special someone out there for you. If something happened now I would do it again in a flash and my partner knows that…LOL
P.S. We used to be able to private message one another….do we still have that option?
Signed…NON-techie, LOL
Thank you! Have been on the dating sites for 8 years; absolutely abysmal!!
I am going to look into that….along with my full-time job, school, AND preparing for my (a first) presentation at the Michigan Counseling Association Convention in November.
Thank you, thank you, retiree58, Hugs!
Excited for you and so welcome. Good luck.!!!