I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.
I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KCF because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up money dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
Oh, by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet when you flush.
HI, Annamarie,
Thanks for joining in. Whether co-renting or co-owning, getting a compatible mix of people, and ensuring financial and personal security, are certainly number one.
There are so many intentional community and shared housing models o
Thanks again, Janice. Really appreciate your thoughts. I am hoping that a non-invasive procedure like fillers will do the trick for my eye bags. I am not looking at facelifts or anything that requires surgery. Rest of me is beginning to show sig
These are funny. I didn’t know that KFC chickens are mutants!
Have a good weekend.
hahaha! Please! Do not forward these to me!! But thanks for sharing! =]
Love these. I think I’ve gotten every one of those emails. Keep em coming. you inspire me to write jokes. I love you for this!
I am glad I don’t get too many of these. They automatically go to spam.
anir
Gee, thanks. There were a couple of them that I missed and now I will no longer do those things as well! And, on top of all of that, I have insufficient brain activity. ♥
Hey-Zus!!
Yikes…..too true
We can make ourselves totally nuts!!!!
Your post is very funny. Do you ever wonder how all us VNers got to be senior citizens? We should all be demented or dead since we didn’t grow up following these missives!!!!!
What a laugh and how true it is! Paranoia reigns!
We’re flying to NYC in the a.m. and I have packed a can of bedbug spray…don’t forget that one! I plan to invest in a nylon sleeping bag to keep the creepy crawlies off! I’m just wandering how I can hop to the bathroom in it…I don’t even want to think about the bathroom. Groan!
Somebody please pick me up off the floor. I tell you what a talent you have with words. This is just down right truthful, and hilarious. This has made my week. Just think SheCat what the world would have missed if we had let our past determine our future. You rock and you have given me some things to think about ouch, watch out for the mosquitoes that could cause, or the vegetables that might!
Anybody got a bubble to sell?