Maria

Of Men we call Narcissists

There is a whole slew of documents written about the laments of women who claimed to have depressing experience in their relationship with men they call narcs or narcissist. i looked up the definition of a narcissist and i got this: Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism. I was amazed at the pernicious personality painted by the definition and realized the seriousness of the accusation. and so i ask: aren't we a little exaggerating when we call our significant other a narcissist?

When I was young and just started realizing that relationships mattered; i was one of the typical dreamy girl believing and wishing for my knight in shining armor. And so i got married; then came motherhood and the realization that the reality of relationships are really failed expectations. When my marriage broke; i was devastated. But after the storm called separation and when the dust settled i found myself wiser and stronger. Now going back to the concept of narcissism, it is my opinion that we are looking into the aspects of things that are more superficial and less important. the definition is describing a person who is really conflicted. and if we truly care about our significant other; we would focus on the part that says "fragile self-esteem". it is also my opinion that most men nowadays suffer from this state of mind. with the rising expectation of excellence in everything but eclipsed by the ever increasing tenacity of competition; the last thing a man would need is to feel and hear his failure from the woman he loves and vowed to please for the rest of his life. never mind hearing it from his boss everyday.

but it is very hard to cuddle an ego specially a male ego. it is a very hard balancing act of finding the middle line between supporting him to sustain his good sense of confidence and the other half of the fence where we accidentally over-inflate his ego to a point that he believes he is so superior that he starts to think everyone around him is an idiot including his wife. then proceeds to deny trust, confidence and appreciation to the woman who is trying to support him.

so many things comes into play. the maturity level of each partner, the quality of communication and the amount of quality time they share together; oh we've heard it all and read them all but it is easier said or read than done. but i still believe that given the right approach we can make this narc grow from a conflicted man to a strong, confident, rationale and understanding man. please take note i used the word "grow" because i do not beleive in wanting to dictate a change. so instead of using the word "change" i used the word "grow" because the later implies mutual aggreement and expectations to effect changes. hopefully if we get things right this narc will become the ultimate alpha-male that we want; the one with a balanced mind and heart.

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